The Squeegee Chronicles (Part 2)

NOTE:  This is the second half of The Squeegee Chronicles.  Please read the first half which I posted separately ("The Squegee Chronicles Part 1)



THE SQUEEGEE CHRONICLES (Part 2)



PART 15: TO SINK A PIRATE

The pirate kept floating away in his stovepipe. It took him about three and a half hours to realize that he should have tried to make it back to land, but by that time it was too late. “Arrrrrr! I have missed me window of opportunity! Avast, I am bobbin’ to me fate!”

The pirate kept floating for 6 weeks and 7 days. To survive, he had to eat his eye patch, which was luckily very nourishing, as it was his “Survival Patch.” It was on this 7th day of the 6th week that the pirate saw something. As he floated closer, he realized it was the pirate fleet, still waiting for him.

“Arrrrrrr! Land ho! Arrrrrr, maybe it’s not applicable ta’ this here situation, but I’ve always wanted ter say that!”

The pirate got picked up by the pirate fleet and was greeted by the Admiral. “Arrrrrr, brother pirate. Ye have returned, and very creatively too! Arrrrrrr. What happened to ye patch?” asked the admiral.

“I ate it to make me carcass survive,” replied the pirate.

The admiral was amazed. “Arrrrrrrrr. Keen thinking lad. I now promote thee to the rank of Grand Admiral. Congratulations!” The Admiral stared blankly for a few seconds. “Arrrrrrrr. That means I’m relieved of me duty. Off I go!” The admiral jumped off the side of the ship, never to be heard from again.

The pirate, now an Admiral, went to go assume his duties... and to get a new eye patch.


CONTINUATION OF THE ORIGINAL INTERLUDE
THAT’S NOT SO ORIGINAL ANYMORE:
THE PIRATE WARS
EPISODE 3: RETURN OF THE PIRATE

Chapter 1

The pirate, now admiral of the pirate fleet, took command on the Mighty Might of Mightiness. He got reports that the wombat fleet was north of their position.

“Arrrrrrrrr. Charge!” All of the pirates stared at the new admiral blankly. “Arrrrrrrr. Sorry. I’m new at this here commanding jig, ya see? Arrrrrrrrr. What’ll it be? Ah, yes. Set sail!”

The pirate fleet set sail to intercept the wombat fleet. All of the soldiers were preparing for battle, when the admiral’s narcotics that had been slipped into his drink a month prior wore off.

The pirate was startled, as he saw the fine lads around him transform into army men. The boat he was standing on was revealed as a crushed miniature, and the ocean surrounding him became the bright orange carpet of his cave.

“Arrrrrrrrr. ‘Twas all a funky dream? Yay!” The pirate was so confused and happy that he did a little jig. Unfortunately, he tripped on one of the toy boats and fell out of his cave. “Arrrrrr. I am squished.”


CHAPTER 2

The pirate climbed back into his cave. He was now utterly dismayed, because he’d grown quite used to being a grand admiral. “Arrrrrrrrr. I’d give anything to go back,” moaned the pirate. Suddenly, an idea came to him. “Arrrrrrrr. I wish... I wish I was a fish.”

The world around him started swirling and suddenly he was standing on the deck of the “Mighty Might of Mightiness” again. All of the other pirates were staring at him. One informed him.

“Arrrrrrrr. A mighty drug fish smited ye, and ye went into what we call ‘happy land’. We thought ye ta be a gonner for sure!”

“Arrrrrrr. Well, I’m back,” said the pirate who was admiral once again. “Set sail.”


CHAPTER 3

The pirate fleet approached Wombatia, ever so quietly. Well, not really. The pirates were getting a little too giddy for their own good.

“Arrrrrrrrrr. I can fly!” a pirate screamed as he jumped off the crow’s nest and landed with a thud!

“Arrrrrrrr! I made up me own jig!” said a pirate, as he started hopping from one foot to the other.

It seemed as though every pirate was being as noisy as possible.

PING! The sound echoed throughout the pirate fleet. Everyone froze, except for those who were airborne.

“Arrrrrrrr! What was that?!” was the general question being asked.

PING! There it was again. The new Admiral finally realized what was going on. “Arrrrrrrr! Avast, me mateys. We’re being ping’d!”

“Arrrrrrr. Pong?”

“Arrrrrr. No, fine lad. Ping. The wombats know we’re here. General quarters!”


CHAPTER 4

PING! The sound rippled through the air. “Arrrrrrrrr. To arms!”

“Arrrrrrr, I’ve only got one arm, sir,” said one disabled pirate.

“Arrrrrr. Well, one arm, then!” replied the admiral.

The pirate fleet got ready for the battle to come, all the wile hearing the loud and unnerving PING!

Suddenly, a wombat submersible rose out of the water. It was a large barrel with oars sticking out of the sides. All around it were empty milk jugs filled with air.

“Arrrrrrrr! Attack at thy will!”

The yam cannons tried to fire, but something made them all jam. “Arrrrrrr! ‘Tis the unearthly jamming of the apocalypse!” was the general cry.

The pirate gnawers had to think fast. They dove into the water after the wombat sub. When they finally reached it, they were at a loss of what to do. Some clung to the sides and started gnawing at the wood. Others swam as fast as they could and slammed head first into the barrel. Yet others climbed on top of it and started doing a little angry jig.

The admiral had an idea while watching all of this. “Arrrrrrr. Drink tea! Arrrrrrrrr. Sorry. I mean, ram that blasted old keg!” The Mighty Might of Mightiness sailed as fast as it could at the sub. All of the pirates around the barrel swam out of the way, and the mighty pirate ship smashed it to pieces.

“Arrrrrrrr. Their reconnaissance has been foiled. As quickly as ye can, lads, TO WOMBATIA!” exclaimed the Admiral.

“Arrrrrrrr. Yay!”

“Arrrrrrr. I’m sinking!”

“Arrrrrrrrrr. Me foot fell asleep!”


CHAPTER 5

The pirate fleet hadn’t yet sailed seven feet when the Mighty Might of Mightiness’s escort ships ran aground. The admiral was dumbfounded.

“Arrrrrrrrrrr. WHAT?! ‘Tis no land in sight!” exclaimed the admiral.

The pirate in the crow’s nest yelled down, “Arrrrrrr. No land ho!”

The admiral was exasperated. “Arrrrrr. Yes, I know, nitwitted lad.” The Admiral then commenced with his brainstorming jig. The thought finally came to him. “Arrrrrrr. ‘Tmust be some sort o’ Wombat hocus pokus! Battle stations, lads!”

Suddenly, 27 1/2 wombat subs surfaced all around the pirate fleet.


CHAPTER 6

“Arrrrrrrrr. Charge!” The cry rang amongst the fleet. All of the pirate ships sailed and rowed as fast as they could at the Wombat subs. When they made contact, each and every pirate ship crumbled and dumped their contents onto the beach.

When the admiral reached the sand, he noticed that there was no ocean in sight. All around him was sand, except for one edge which looked like the coastline of land. He gazed back in the direction they had come from, and saw huge grooves that had been left in the sand by the ships.

“Arrrrrrrrr. I am General now. Form into squads, man ye stovepipe APCs, and mobilize!”

The pirates and supplies who were dumped onto the beach gathered themselves up and headed for the forests of the “main land.”


CHAPTER 7

The forests of Wombatia were eerily quiet... That is, before the pirates arrived.

“Arrrrrrr. Watch thee flanks! Move out at a steady speed ya see...d?” commanded the general pirate.

“Arrrrrrr. I hear these here woods are haunted.”

“Arrrrrr. I... see... dead... FERNS!” This crazed pirate made a mad dash for the brown ferns he as looking at and disappeared.

Suddenly, an eerie high pitched squeak filled the forest.

“Arrrrrrrr. ‘Tis thee wombats o’ the dark tide. Man thee battle stations!”

As one force, the wombat shock troops poured in from all directions. The pirate gnawers took action, along with the supporting volleys of the yam cannons.

“Arrrrrrrr!” said the general pirate, commencing his brainstorming jig. “Arrrrrr. We have no air support! We’ve used up all o’ the bommer lads!”

As though they heard him say this, wombarrots filled the sky and started dropping starving crazed weasels onto he pirates. Things were not looking good.


CHAPTER 8

“Arrrrrrrrr. We must outflank them, ya see? Mobilize the outer detachments and sweep round the back.”

The pirate units did as they were told. The stovepipe tanks gave fire support, and the pirate gnawers held the front line. Despite the pirates’ efforts, the wombat hoard was gaining the upper hand.

Suddenly, a giant foot came out of the sky and landed upon the wombat ranks with a SQUISH! Then, just as fast as it appeared, the giant foot disappeared. The pirates were left with no foe.

“Arrrrrrr. They’ve gone... We’ve won-” the pirate general was interrupted by shouts from his troops.

“Arrrrrrr. ‘Tis the tootsies of the apocalypse!”

“Arrrrrrrrr. Run away!”

The pirate troops ran away to the shore of Wombatia, built new boats over the course of two weeks, and sailed over the sand all the way back to Camp Yam. The deserted General was left all alone on Wombatia.


CHAPTER 9

The pirate, realizing that he had been abandoned, decided to get into his stovepipe and roll away. As he was rolling, he pouted over his loss. He was just about to scream with agony, when he ran into a tree. His stovepipe cracked, and fell apart, leaving him vulnerable.

“Arrrrrrrrrr. Nooooo! Me pipe!” The pirate sat and moped for a while. He thought about his comrades who abandoned him, about his stovepipe, about the evil wombats, about his stovepipe, about the yams he was supposed to eat for dinner, about Piece Of Paper, about how he wished that he could squish him with his stovepipe.

Suddenly, the pirate had an idea. He realized that he didn’t need a stovepipe.

The pirate rolled away without a stovepipe, all by his lonesome.



(BACK TO THE SQUEEGEE CHRONICLES:)


PART 16: CULVERTS OF CONVERSION

7 months, 7 weeks, and 8 days later, the pirate finally arrived home. He walked into his cave and thanked the cardboard cutout that had been so thankfully guarding it. He was so tired from his trek that he collapsed on his bed and went to sleep.

Four hours later, he awoke with a start. “Arrrrrrr! I left no cardboard cutout before me trip!...Ok.” The pirate fell asleep again.

Two hours later, he woke again. “Arrrrrrr! That means some chap put him there!... Arrrrrrr!” He jumped out of bed and ran to the cardboard cutout.

In its speech balloon it said:

The Culverts Of Conversion are coming... Beware!

The pirate was so frightened that he did a little jig, ran back to his bedroom, and went to sleep in his walk in closet.


PART 17: THE BUTCHER’S BUCKET SEAT

When the pirate woke up, he forgot all about why he was in his closet, and got up to go terrorize little kids in the park. When he got to the park, a heavenly voice was heard saying, “Dear Pirate...” then in an evil voice saying, “The Culverts Of Conversion are coming!”

The pirate started doing his frightened jig and ran around in circles. While this was happening, he realized that everyone else hadn’t heard the voice, but it was too late.

Suddenly, a giant trout jumped out of a nearby stream and slapped right into the pirate’s face, knocking him out cold. The pirate spent the rest of the day in a crumpled heap.


PART 18: THE CRIMPETS OF THE APOCALYPSE

When the pirate awoke from his crumpled heap it was night time. He scrambled to his feet and looked around frantically.

“Arrrrrrr. I’m scared of the dark, ya see?” said the pirate in a wavering tone.

“Yes, we know,” said an ominous voice.

“Arrrrrrr! ‘Tis the evil crimpets of the apocalypse!” The pirate then screamed like a little girl and started frantically running around around in circles. He probably would have continued this all night, but he slammed into a garbage can and got knocked out.

“Such a stupid lad,” said the voice.


PART 19: THE TAPE DISPENSER’S LEFT HAND

When the pirate awoke again, things were a little different. Instead of laying in the park, he was trapped inside a giant jello mold. “Arrrrrr! ‘Tis the gelatin of the apocalypse!” He tried to do his petrified jig, but the jello was too viscous. He decided to eat his way out.

Three hours later, being almost too full to move, the pirate headed back home. He was about to get into his stovepipe and roll away, when a giant piece of macaroni fell out of the sky and crushed his stovepipe.

“Arrrrrrr! ‘Tis the crimpets of the-”

“Yes, yes, we know,” said the giant noodle. “I am a crimpet, and I come to save you from the culverts of conversion... but first, you must get me some hummus.”

“Arrrrrrr, matey-crimpet.” The pirate rolled away all by himself.


PART 20: CULVERTS OF CONVERSION OF THE APOCALYPSE

Crazy Squeaky Guy was walking down the street. He was in a good mood because it was his birthday. He was about to think about his cake, when a culvert ripped itself out of the street, sucked Crazy Squeaky Guy into it, and spat out a hairless cat. The culvert then buried itself in the street again.

The pirate saw all of this happen on his way to get humus. He was scared out of his eye patch. “Arrrrrrr... ‘Tis the Culverts of Conversion of the...... no...... that’s it.” He then stared blankly for a bit, but when the hairless cat coughed up a hair ball, the pirate screamed, got into his new stovepipe, and rolled away.


PART 21: THE MORBID MOOSE

So the newly transfigured Crazy Squeaky Cat was walking down the street. He was quite unaware that he was now a cat, as the meowing sounded an awful lot like his normal speaking. However, Crazy Squeaky Cat isn’t important anymore.

The pirate rolled back to the park in his stovepipe. When he got there, he saw, to his horror, that the crimpet was in the process of cooking himself. “Arrrrrrrrr. No... ye need be no fried yams of me insights!”

“You have failed me, pirate. You have uttered the one sound I cannot hear: The scream of a little girl. I must leave you now to fend for yourself against the culverts...”

“Arrrrrrrrrr! NO! I’s been doin' no chirpin’ like a wee lass! Don’t go!” The pirate was utterly dismayed.

“I’m sorry. I can’t hear you. I am burnt to a crisp.” And indeed the poor giant noodle was.


PART 22: ANOTHER ONE BITES THE RUST

The pirate was distraught. His only form of protection was gone. He wept as he stared at the charred remains of his brief ally.

“Arrrrrrrrrr. He was me best friend.”

“Arrrrrrrr, I thought I was ye best friend,” said a floating apparition that looked suspiciously like the cardboard cutout.

The pirate just waved away the comment. “Arrrrrrr, times change, lad.”

The pirate would have kept on bawling, but he felt the ground beneath him begin to shake. Suddenly, a giant culvert uprooted itself from the ground, and started sucking in air like a rabid vacuum.

“Arrrrrrrr! ‘Tis the sucky thing of the apocalypse. The pirate got into his stovepipe and rolled away, losing nothing to the crazy culvert but his eye patch.

“Arrrrrr! Me eye patch!”


PART 23: YO HO HO AND A BOTTLE OF SCUM

The pirate rolled back to his cave to get a new eye patch. However, he couldn’t find one. Since he was being attacked by strange rogue piping systems all over town, he decided not to buy a new one and just make one. He grabbed some string and tied it to a tea cup, which he then strung over his eye. “Arrrrrrrr. ‘Tis a lumpy patch.”

He then got his cardboard sword and headed out to reclaim his title as terrorizer of the land. He got into his stovepipe and rolled to the park to confront the evil culvert.

When he got there, however, things didn’t seem right. Wild moose were falling everywhere, knocking down lamp posts, benches, and old ladies everywhere. The pirate dug in and awaited the onslaught to come.


PART 24: MINK’S MEAT FOR MITCH

The wild shower of moose continued for several hours. The pirate remained dug in, cowering, with his tea cup on his head acting as a helmet.

“Arrrrrrr. ‘Tis the moose barrage of the apocalypse!”

Suddenly the shower stopped. The ground was covered with moose so thickly that the pirate couldn’t enter the park.

All of a sudden, hundreds of culverts ripped themselves out of the ground and sucked in all the moose. They spat out hairless moose, who were all zombified, ready to do the culverts’ bidding.

The pirate screamed. “Arrrrrrrrrr! Thee white flesh on thy moosical zombies frightens me soul!” The pirate got into his stovepipe and rolled away from the approaching moose horde as fast as he could.


PART 25: THE ALLIANCE OF MY GRANDMA’S KNEE

The pirate continued rolling away as fast as he could. He knew that there was only one hope left to save stovepipe land: he must bring together the dissident factions of Pirates. He headed to Camp Yam.

When he got there, it appeared to be totally deserted. However, he noticed several peg-legs sticking out of a bush. He walked up to one and poked it. It stirred, and the pirate jumped back. He approached once more and peered into the bush.

There, all huddled together, were the remnants of the pirate army, all 500 of them. They all looked up at the pirate and said “Arrrrrrrr, shush! We’re hiding from the tootsies of the apocalypse!”

The pirate groaned and told them of the culverts of conversion. Three hours later, the pirate army was mobilized and heading for town.


PART 26: THE LAST STAND TO COME ON A PEG-LEG

As the pirate army marched / rolled, the pirate briefed them all on the coming situation. He told them of the culverts, how the crimpet had “left” him, and of how he had lost his eye patch. The pirates were deeply moved by the pirate’s tale. “Arrrrrrrr, that was a fine beard rubbin’ if I do say so me self... which I do!” remarked one Lieutenant.

The pirate then told them of the battle plan. They were to stealthily approach the park and crush all opposition. “Arrrrrrr. Plus, I have me tea cup, ya see?”

Murmurs of approval rippled about the pirate ranks.

“Arrrrrrrrr. To thee park!”

The pirates of Camp Yam were to truly win the day, or lose their eye patches trying.


PART 27: OF SQUEEGEES AND STOVEPIPES

At precisely 1:27 pm the pirate army reached the park, which was utterly abandoned. After an eerie investigation of the holes that the culverts came out of, it was decided that the culverts were not in the park. The pirates dug in and waited.

They had not yet waited 7 minutes when, to their left, a giant bunch of culverts ripped out of the ground and began sucking wildly. The pirate ranks were about to face their foe when an eerie cry of “EEEEEEEE!” filled the air and the Wombats o’ the Dark Tide came running out of the woods to the pirates’ right. As if this weren’t enough, battle ready crimpets fell from the sky and landed directly behind the pirates. The four opposing forces stared at each other wildly.

“Arrrrrrrr! ‘Tis the climactic battle of the apocalypse!” screamed one pirate, who then tried to run away but got sucked up by a culvert, and spat out as a hairless gerbil.

“Arrrrrrrrr, but I’ve got me tea cup,” said the pirate, tapping his makeshift patch. “Arrrrrrr. Charge!”

The pirates charged at the culverts, just as the culverts charged at the wombats, just as both the crimpets and wombats charged at the pirates.

The pirates were now greatly outflanked, but the wombats became slightly preoccupied by the culverts, and vice versa. The crimpets, however, were uncontested. The pirate was shocked as the crimpets advanced on the pirates’ rear.

“Arrrrrrrr, I thought we was friends!” called the pirate to the approaching pasta.

“Times change, lad,” said the lead crimpet.

“Arrrrrrrrr. Nooooooo!” wailed the pirate. “Arrrrr, me laddies! Hold thy ground, don’t let thee treacherous noodles win!”

The pirate turned around and watched the other two forces. In amazement, he noticed that the wombats were being led by Piece Of Paper, and the culverts by Crazy Squeaky Guy. “Arrrrrrrr! I knew those lads were trouble!” said the pirate as he tapped his tea cup.

The battle was close. All forces were performing ingenious maneuvers. The pirate suddenly had a brilliant idea. “Arrrrr. Lads, ye must-”

However, the pirate was interrupted and never got to implement his new plan, for, suddenly, Petey Bob Joe appeared and with a giant squeegee wiped Stovepipe Land right off the face of the Earth. Satisfied, he got into his stovepipe and rolled away.






THE END


(Keep an eye out for The Squeegee Chronicles II, the long anticipated sequel!)