Monsters

I went just one line
Over the line.
I hopped over the barrier
And hand in hand with The Monster
We rampaged through my life,
Killed my friends,
Burned my family
To the ground,
Left unprotected my would-be wife
And now I’m
Lost.
I’m so lost I can’t find my way back.
The Monster led me through
The urban woods where
I got so comfy with the
Street-wise beasts
I borrowed a cup of sugar
And traded shit for just another
Line.
I needed just one more.
I always needed
Just
One
More.
A sixteen-year-old me
And my friend Timothy
Found The Monster under
My brother’s bed.
He offered to fix me up a line
And The Monster crawled from the
Dark and reared it’s
Ugly, white head.
One sharp intake of breath
Through the nose and a
Burning,
Stinging,
Head-reeling
Instant later
The Monster had crawled
Inside my mind and I was
Hooked.
I was gonna be a rock-star
Jamming’ like a guitar hero
Playin’ on Friday nights in
Low-key youth clubs and bars.
We had a good thing goin’
With girls and lights and smoke machines
Free drinks all around and
Oh, the
Autographs!
We were ready for the big-time
Groupies and amphitheatre fame
Until we found The Monster lurking,
Preying on our amped-up wishes,
Passion, love and soul until
The crash
That comes at the end when
He pushes you off the cliff
Your dreams built
And your life is
Shattered.
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He was a sweet thing
Caring as any girl could wish for
With roses for birthdays
Warm hugs, sweet kisses and a
Claddagh ring.
Two hands of friendship hold the heart of love
Topped with the graceful crown of
Loyalty
Bent into a never-ending circle
Around my left-hand finger
For just that sort of
Thing.
We had it made with promises for love without
hate.
No criticism only hard work
From both he and me
To make our true love last
Till he bent on one knee
And offered his life,
Asked for mine, and our dreams would come
True.
A guitar in his hand
And a tune in his head
He and his band were
Gonna make history.
They had talent for sure,
A bunch of smart guys
But barely out of the gate
They met
The Monster.
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Here we are on this
Big lit stage
With roaming lights
And a veiling smoke screen.
Here’s hope and dreams
And baby you’re
Everything to me.
It’s the early days when our faculties
Were ours and every
Last idea was ours:
One of a kind;
Original.
No influence
Just our lyrics
Our music not always
Makin’ sense
But always in our
Control.
Down low, standing
On this elevated stage
One with the thronging crowd
We play.
Beyond the dance floor
Stars in your eyes
Watching me and
Tapping to the beat you
Sit.
I play for you
Always for you
My fingers sliding across the strings
Following what Tim sings
Looking up to see
Your beautiful eyes
Staring back at me
Full of hope and love and
Dreams.
Our eyes connecting
Such passion there’s
A livewire between
And for one moment
The two of us being one
Can exist on a
Prayer, a
Wish, a
Dream.
-----------------------------------------------------
All brought down by
World-crashing
Earth-shattering
Mind-bending
Forever unfair
Death.
In one instant on
An inhale of life and
Hope and forever
Life exits on an
Exhale of the body,
Mind, and soul and
Ends.
Last relation
Favorite person
Next to me, his love,
Of course,
Just left the world;
Abandonment.
A thousand teardrops
Fall like icy snow
Cold, devoid of hope.
Nothing I can do but
Hold you tight, tell you
I love you and pray
That I’m enough
To help you
Cope.
I gently run my
Fingers through your
Hair and kiss your cheek
Sweet words of condolence
I breathe
Into your ear, kissing
Away your tears
As you weep
Away your faith.
Your dearest mother,
Giver of life and
Hugs, cruelly
Stolen.
I’m not enough
To keep you whole.
I can’t imagine
Your pain, your anger.
Parents, I have none,
No rock or help to me
Were they that gave me life.
But you and your motherly
Friend; one you love
Can’t be replaced.
Is there room for both?
Your mother’s heart
And mine amid
Your failing faith
And crushing dreams.
I try, I want to
But I can’t breath
For you, stand for you,
Only with you, us as
One.
It hurts to see you
Bleed crystalline tears
Endlessly streaming.
So much turmoil
Pain and passion
But no faith or hope
Left to guide and soften
The blows of the world.
Hate and anger plenty.
Curl up
Block out
Deny.
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Emotional locomotion
Only way to get by
Not good enough, doesn’t
Take away the pain.
Me, trying to hold on
Tight, clinging with
Every fiber of the human
Being, nails dug deep
Drawing crimson peals
From beneath my skin
Pale as parchment
Strings of pulsing blue
Showing through;
Lifeline.
Wrapped up in her safe
Cocoon of arms, held
Tight, together. Baby
Stay close, keep me
Safe and I won’t fall
Apart.
I’m on a downhill slide
Rocky path, flooded,
Broken with the roots
Of aged trees of death.
I wandered off the
Path. How do I get
Back to
Normal?
Terrified cries at night
Horrifying dreams
Pleading, quaking, shaking.
Help.
------------------------------------------------------
Help.
I’ve got to help him.
Doing better, out of bed
In real clothes, showered,
Finally lacking tear-stained face.
Make him favorite foods,
Invite the band, pot-luck, games
Heading back to
Normalcy.
We’re headed up, making
It back to the main road
But there’s tension with a
Consistency of
Peanut-butter.
Doing better, playing music,
Making jokes, subtle laughter;
Is he faking it? Could be.
I just want him close and happy.
Begging, pleading with God
Wanting him back, needing
Him. Does he still need me?
Did you know I miss you?
I miss you.
------------------------------------------------------
I had to find a way to deal
Get better, let her know
She helped me heal
Tim said I’d feel great
Wanna get up, get dressed, most of all
Play.
The band took a dive
When my mother lost her life
And mine became obsolete.
But she wanted me well,
My love wanted me happy.
I can’t let her down
She doesn’t deserve to be
On this level so close to hell
I can’t let her fall,
Alone.
Just one line
Would bring me up he said. Then I could Make her happy
She’d no longer see my pain
And the band could start to play again
So with promises
Heavy on my head, I
Agreed.
The band had a gig that night
Playin’ sets under neon lights
A true rock-star moment,
High above the crowd, we could practically
See them waving lighters in the smoky
Air.
But we weren’t playing to their like.
They wanted old familiar words
Sung originally into the mic
With long remembered chords humming
From my guitar strings, beats from
The drum set ringing to their memory.
Our sets were new, styled
After people who had the greatest impact
On the musical world as we know it.
The Monster got into our heads
And separated us from them
Made us crazy, begging for fame
A never-ending undulating shouting
Of our name upon the lips of adoring
Fans.
A week went by
Then two, a month
And we were flyin’
High, all the time
Carried on The Monster’s back
We played every gig
With heads buzzing
Making the room spin
Hyped up and feelin’
Free.
Every day, one hit, another line
Tempting my infatuation with this
Scaly beast. I wanted it, needed it,
Tried every way imaginable to get it.
My life and my world used to consist of
My band and my girl but now,
I lived for The Monster.
And I thought I was still this side of
The line, but hand in white-clawed hand
Me and The Monster crept, crawled,
Slid over the boundary
Line.
I thought I was discrete, I thought she
Would never know, but all along, my love
Saw me sneaking around with Timothy,
The band, and that powdery, mind-numbing
Creep.
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I still remember that deep, dark, velvet Night, finding you tempting fate.
Asked you why; just to make me happy?
Begged you to stop; laughing, strung up High on the carpet, you reply with bubbling
Giggles, “I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
Aching heart, what has become of you
My love, do you really love me so?
Tears streaming, legs churning up the stairs,
Have to get away, I don’t know what to do
The Monster slips right between you and me
And tears us apart from our big dreams.
Sunrise dawns, dreary, damp.
You awake, head clear, find me on the bed
Alone, clinging to the pillow.
You apologize, I sympathize,
Yes I feel your pain but a
Courtship with The Monster? How?
Begging, pleading for you to stop.
This isn’t you, you know it.
Please come back to me.
Remember what we had,
Our plans,
Our hopes,
Our dreams.
Shattered.
-----------------------------------------------------
She knows. My baby, my life
My everything, found me out
And in my mind, her hurt bellows.
“This is to the girl, who got into my head with all the pretty things she did”
And I’ve murdered the relationship
With selfish whims, catering to selfish pain.
Willpower, determination; how much will it
Take to bring you back.
I’m compelled to try
Giving up that ever-calming line
But how now will I deal with the pain?
My mother’s voice and my love’s
Echoing in one ear and out the other
Believing in me, needing to help
But I’m to
Blame.
You’ve been gone three days
Not a word, no cell phone ring.
Five days, a week, I haven’t heard you speak
Did you know I miss you?
Nine days this side of the line
You come knocking at the door
A nervous glance around the room
You see me sitting on the floor
Alone.
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Open the door, peek around the corner
Of the frame, not a soul in sight.
Keys on the table, purse on the floor,
Walk into the living room
See you shaking on the floor,
Plastic pouch of unopened powder
Clutched in your sweaty palm.
I pry it from your quaking fingers,
Sit next to you, wrapped in a blanket
Hold you tight. Quietly inquire
What happened and you describe
What led to this downward spiral
Of will and faith ending in a
Love-hate relationship with the
Ever beckoning Monster.
And little by little
As I listen to your tale
And hold you closer
I detect some little shred of hope
Yet lingering in your
Soul.
-----------------------------------------------------
My love, my protector, slayer of
The Monster in me
We couldn’t do the same for Timothy.
One year later, he was lost
Fell off the cliff, he’ll never know
Just what it cost to take a walk
With The Monster and ride
It’s downward spiral of a slide.
End