The Awkward Age

The Awkward Age


“Revised Pilot: House Hunting”


Written by

Thomas Cox and Keiran Harris




















Created by

Thomas Cox and Keiran Harris




First Revised Draft
2nd Draft Revisions
3rd Draft Revisions
4th Draft Revisions
5th Draft Revisions





ACT ONE

SCENE 1


FADE IN:

INT: HOUSE – DAY

ZACH MORROW is sitting on a couch, leaning forward, play station controller in hand, staring at the television. He is deeply involved in the game before he throws the controller down in exasperation. He is dressed as if ready for exercise.

ZACH
Oh for fff… (catching himself). God damn it. (to camera) Hi there, I’m Zach Morrow, but my peeps call me the Z man or Zed dog. I’ve had my fair share of uncomfortable moments in my life; years that passed while I was in something I like to call, “the awkward ages”. When I was 12, we lived for a whole year in a house without locks…

CUT TO

FLASHBACK

INT. BEDROOM – Focus on door.

It opens and Zach’s mum is coming in with a pile of washing to put away. She looks up, drops the washing and screams in horror.

CUT TO – Back to Zach on the couch.

ZACH
There was my uncle’s wedding when I was 13 and mum said there was no point in buying a suit because I’d grow out of it too fast.

CUT TO

FLASHBACK

EXT. WEDDING RECPETION – DAY

Standing by himself, in cream pants and a blue Hawaiian shirt is Zach. All the other guests, including his mum, dad and brother are in suits and formal dresses [CONT] [CONT] making a semi-circle around him, at least 5 meters away.

CUT TO

Back to Zach.

ZACH
(shuddering) Any time in high school really. The year 10 formal.

CUT TO

FLASHBACK

INT. FORMAL – NIGHT

Tables and chairs are set up near a dance floor. A band is playing in the background. Zach, in a black suit, is sitting at the singles table. He looks forlorn; the others at the table are stereotypically nerdy or overweight.

Zach sees a nearby table of his friends with girls next to them, having a great time.

The table – Into frame from the side enters Zach, dragging his chair as he tries to join their table. A security guard grabs his arm as he tries to pull his chair under.

CUT TO

Zach.

ZACH
The year 12 formal…

CUT TO

FLASHBACK

INT. FORMAL – NIGHT

Zach, now wearing a white suit, is slow dancing with a girl on the dance floor. There are other couples also dancing. Another young man, Cameron, comes up near them, a glass of champagne in his hand. Zach breaks away from his partner to talk to Cameron. A band is playing music.


ZACH
Hey man. No drinks on the dance floor.

CAMERON
As if.

ZACH
I’m serious.

At this moment a dancing couple bumps into the back of Cameron causing him to lurch forward, spilling his champagne on the crotch area of Zach’s white pants. The stain is very incriminating.

Oh man. Bloody hell.

CAMERON
Well it’s your fault for wearing white pants.

ZACH
(loudly, over music) Oh of course. This one’s my fault, don’t worry about it then. Only looks like (music suddenly stops) I pissed myself in front of everyone I know.

The crowd looks at him. He is extremely embarrassed and heads for the toilet.

CUT TO

INT. TOILET – FORMAL – NIGHT

Zach stands at the sinks facing the mirrors with paper towel in hand scrubbing violently at his crotch. In the mirror Zach’s mum opens the door, again holding the same towels and drops them; screaming in horror.

DISSOLVE TO

Back to Zach. He looks into the distance, shaking his head in despair.

ZACH
Yes, in many ways it’s been a bad time for me. I know what your thinking, spoilt little white middle class brat, doesn’t know what suffering is, but I think I’ve just shown you some persuasive evidence. You might not think it’s too bad here, and from a material perspective, maybe it’s not. But I can’t take it, I gotta get out. I’m suffocating here. You’re meeting me at the threshold, it’s time to put these adolescent troubles behind me and move on with my life. I’ve done the hard part and got the girl, now I’ve just gotta find somewhere to live.

CUT TO

CREDIT SEQUENCE

DISSOLVE TO

SCENE 2

EXT: SUPERMARKET - AFTERNOON - ESTABLISHING

INT: SUPERMARKET - QUEUE
(Cameron, Zach, Security guard, teller, Mr Phelps)

ZACH AND CAMERON, TWO TWENTY-SOMETHING GUYS are waiting in the express line each holding a bottle of GATORADE. The checkout next to them is closed. Cameron begins to open his drink and start drinking it. They have clearly been exercising - wearing SHORTS and T-SHIRTS and have been sweating.

ZACH
Who do you think you are?

CAMERON
What?

ZACH
Bit presumptuous. What if your card’s turned down?

CAMERON
That’s unlikely.

ZACH
Listen moneybags, it’s possible. You’re not above the rules.

CAMERON
Well that’s how they do it in restaurants. Anyway, I thought you were paying…

Cameron starts to take another swig.

Angle on: Security guard walking past.

Angle on: Cameron as he quickly pulls the drink down so as not be caught, spilling some on his shirt.

ZACH
They call that karma my friend.

As Cameron is trying to wipe the stain off his shirt he notices a bald patch on the man in front of them.

CAMERON (WHISPERING)
Hey check it out. Bald patch.

ZACH
Hey, hey, hey, we were on a subject…

CAMERON
No, but look, it’s the shiniest one I’ve ever seen. I can see us in there…

Cameron waves at the bald patch. The queue hasn’t moved.

ZACH (IMPRESSED)
That does have impressive lustre.

THE BALD MAN moves his head slightly around as if he has just overheard their conversation. We see his face. He is Mr. PHELPS. At the same moment a teller comes to open the adjacent register. She gestures to them to enter her aisle.

Angle on: The teller

TELLER
(calling out)
Excuse me. You can come down here.

She is talking to everybody in the queue but Zach and Cameron react first and immediately get up to the register --- in front of MR. PHELPS. He is not happy about this and huffs angrily but it is unnoticed by the boys.

CAMERON
Just the Gatorades thanks.

Zach looks disdainfully at Cameron.

ZACH
Oh wait, there’s one more thing.

Zach runs off to one of the aisles.

Hold on Cameron standing awkwardly by the teller. After a beat he checks his watch.

CAMERON (UNCOMFORTABLE)
He won’t be long.

MR PHELPS (BUTTING IN)
Excuse me. If you don’t mind I’ll put my groceries through.

CAMERON
Yeah sure.

As Mr. Phelps loads his groceries onto the conveyor belt Zach comes running back into frame and puts a small box down in front of Mr. Phelps’ shopping. Cameron inspects the box.

Johnnies?

ZACH
They’re called condoms. Sheaths if you want to get technical.

CAMERON
What do you need those for?

ZACH
You don’t know? I didn’t think I’d have to be the one to tell you…

CAMERON
No I mean, what do you need them for?

A beat.

You worried about getting crabs or something?

But Zach is distracted and is looking at their shopping wondering who is going to pay. He is apologizing to the teller and putting the divider on the conveyor belt, in the process giving MR PHELPS a withering look.

ZACH
I got ‘em. (indicating the Gatorades)

CAMERON
That’s unfortunate.

Zach is fumbling around in his back pocket for his wallet when he hears this. He gives Cameron a confused look before double taking and looking at him again. Then he looks at the TELLER who is similarly bemused.

TELLER
That’s ten eighty.

Zach struggles to get his wallet out of the back pocket of his tight jeans.

CAMERON
I don’t know how you wear those. They can‘t be good for you package.

When Zach finally emerges with his wallet, he clumsily drops it on the floor: In front of Mr. Phelps. Both Mr. Phelps and Zach bend over to pick it up, gently brushing heads. Phelps still looks irate.

ZACH
Thanks. (To Cameron) Can we stop talking about my package?

He pays the teller and walks off without waiting for the receipt.

TRACKING THEM as they walk off.

CUT TO

CAMERON (WHISPERING)
Oh man, you touched it. Smooth?

They both look back at Mr Phelps who is still staring after them angrily.

ZACH (WHISPERING)
Like a sweaty pre-teen ball bag.

On their infectious laughter we…

CUT TO

PULLING THEM - They head towards a sedan in the car park. It is their friend John’s car; he has let them borrow it.

CAMERON
I still can’t believe John lent you his car.

They have reached the car and Zach is letting them in.

ZACH
Well we needed a car, so I asked him for a favour.


INT: CAR

CAMERON
Sweet. It must suck to be called John.

ZACH
Yeah I reckon.

CAMERON
I mean it’s so common for one thing.

ZACH
Yeah, and if you’re in the john, your on the toilet.

CAMERON
Exactly, and then there’s the Johnnies thing.

Zach looks dubiously at Cameron.

Look where I come from we call them Johnnies ok?

ZACH
We come from the same place! You live two streets away. Stop pretending to be British and call them condoms already.

CAMERON
You’ll come around, you’ll see.

ZACH
I might start calling John, Johnny. I’m surprised we haven’t before.

CAMERON
Ah you see, using it already.

ZACH
You’re a dick.

Later

INT: CAR – DAY
(Cameron, Zach)
Zach is driving throughout the scene. They are on their way to inspect some prospective rentals.

CAMERON
I gotta say, I thought you’d be more embarrassed about buying condoms. I’m impressed.

ZACH
It comes with experience my friend.

CAMERON
Somewhat ironically. Thought she would be on the pill by now. You must’ve been goin’ out a while.

ZACH
(checking his watch)
Nearly 19 months.

CAMERON
I’m not anal like you Zach, I would’ve been happy with “a year and a half”.

ZACH
I know what you would’ve been happy with.

CAMERON
And I know you don’t have a calendar on your watch, don’t think that’s getting by me. What I’m wondering is how come you don’t want to live with her? I thought that was the rule.

ZACH
Easy answer is that I couldn’t deal with the lack of sponge. I can’t understand why would anyone not have a sponge in their shower? It’s like being on school camp again. With those tiny bars of soap that are supposed to last all week? I can’t live like that.

CAMERON
Like a cheap motel room.

ZACH
My rule is at least a loofah.

CAMERON
What is a loofah anyway?

ZACH
How can you not know what a loofah is?

CAMERON
I guarantee you no guys our age know what a loofah is. Probably not high on the Wikipedia request list.

ZACH
That’s only because no-one knows how to spell it. How do you explain me knowing what it is?

CAMERON
I’m still not convinced you do. I think it’s more likely that you found a large rock in your bathroom one day, assumed it was that “loofah” thing you’d heard of during Starsky and Hutch re-runs and have been punishing yourself with it ever since.

ZACH
Look, there’s barely any chance of that being true.

Zach’s sleeves are rolled up as he is holding the wheel. Zach looks down with concern at a series of cuts on his arm. He quickly pulls his jumper down to cover them.

ZACH (CONT’D)
Anyway, when it comes down to it, I just don’t think an ordinary sponge cuts it anymore.

CAMERON
Why stand when you can sit?

ZACH
I’m not sure that applies here.

CAMERON
Well what do you expect? I’m clearly out of my depth. At least it seems like it could conceivably relate to shower-based situations.

ZACH
Sometimes I realise that you just have no idea what you’re talking about.

CAMERON
I have a theory on camp soap.

Zach, still shaking his head, looks at him as if prompting him to continue.

CAMERON
It must start out as a big bit of soap and they just never chuck it out. It must whittle down like an old man on a porch.

ZACH
That’s possibly the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. And wouldn’t that theory apply to all soap, not just camp soap.


CAMERON
Is it that impossible?

ZACH
Yes. Yes it is. Firstly, I’ve never seen a large bit of soap at a camp in my life and by your theory, once it runs out they would replace it with another large bit, am I right?

CAMERON
Oh you’ve never seen one. Frequent a lot of camps do you?

ZACH (CONTINUING)
How do you explain that it is always a perfect rectangle?

CAMERON (BEMUSED)
Well I hadn‘t really considered that…

ZACH
And that it always has perfectly legible writing on it.

CAMERON
Come on now, it only seems that way because of your freakishly good eyesight.

ZACH
My what?

CAMERON
Don’t be modest. Your eyes, they’re amazing. Everyone knows that. If anyone ever loses their contacts, you’re the first person they blurrily look to for assistance.

ZACH
I’ve never noticed it being anything special.

CAMERON
How would you know? You have no frame of reference. Come on, check this out. How many fingers am I holding up?

Angle on: Zach who flashes a condescending look at Cameron.

ZACH
Three.

Angle on: Cameron, holding up four fingers.

CAMERON
No, four. But you were very close.

ZACH
(dryly) Hmmm, maybe you’re right.

CAMERON
Of course I’m right. I tried to drug you once, and sell you as a freak show attraction. Problem was, I mixed up my roofies with M&M’s so you woke up almost instantly with nothing but a delicious aftertaste. You still owe me some candy…

ZACH
Then I apologise.

CAMERON
That’s ok, I found a replacement. (He turns to look out the window with a wistful look.) So much neck hair for such a small man.

Cameron leans forward in the passenger seat and then sits back up holding a bottle cap. He reads it out to Zach.

Here’s one. Strange question for a bottle cap. From what book of the bible is the quote: “How much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask Him”?

Cameron looks smug.

ZACH
(instantly)
Matthew, chapter seven.

Cameron is stunned, then composes himself.

CAMERON
I would’ve been impressed.

ZACH
What do you mean?

CAMERON
I mean, there’s no way you could’ve known that if you hadn’t already read it and tossed it aside. It is in your car after all.


ZACH
Oh ye of little faith.

They both laugh.

No really. I know everything there is to know about Christianity. It’s a divine gift.

Cameron looks dubious.

You still don’t believe me? I just don’t have the faith to make it useful.

Cameron is still dubious but says nothing.

You’ll see.

They pull up and park on the street. We see a FOR LEASE sign through the car window.

EXT: SUBURBAN HOUSE - DAY - CONTINUOUS

We see Cameron and Zach exit the car.

Angle on: Moderately run-down house.

ZACH
So what do you think Cam?

CAMERON
What do you mean, what do I think? I don’t care. It’s just like every other house we haven’t got yet.

ZACH
I don’t wanna hear that.

CAMERON
I’m just saying… based on previous experience I’m not deluding myself.

ZACH
You’re right, it’s getting a bit ridiculous.

They start to walk up the path and towards the house. They stop half-way and look around.

ZACH (CONT’D)
But it doesn’t look like anyone else is here. Can’t hurt our chances.


CAMERON
Where’s the agent?

On cue the real estate agent emerges from the door and approaches them. The agent looks them up and down.

ZACH
Good morning. I’m Zach.

GLEN
Glen.

CAMERON
Cameron. Nice to meet you. Place looks pretty good.

They shake hands after which Glen wipes his hand on his pants.

ZACH
We the only ones coming through today?

GLEN (IRRITABLY)
Yes. Just you. Shall we?

Glen walks off into the house. Cameron and Zach exchange confused looks.

CAMERON
Still feeling optimistic?

ZACH
Hey, if no-one else applies I don’t see how we couldn’t possibly get it.

CUT TO:


SCENE 3


INT: MORROW HOUSE - BEDROOM - DAY

We see Cameron and Zach lying dejectedly on the bed. Zach is combing through the newspaper looking for houses. Cameron is lying on his back tossing a ball up in the air and catching it.

CAMERON
You know, I don’t think Glen liked us…


ZACH
Here’s one. 2 bedder, garage, 220.

CAMERON
What’s the point?

ZACH
What’s a S. L. U. G.?

CAMERON
A single lock-up garage.

ZACH
How is it that you know that?

Over the following Cameron tosses the ball too far away from him and leans back to catch it causing him to fall off the bed.

CAMERON
I’m a lot smarter than I look.

ZACH
(dubiously)
Is that so?

Zach’s father, MICK, appears at the door.

MICK
What‘s the ruckus? I wanna get involved.

ZACH
Dad, that is just mind-blowingly inappropriate.

MICK
Don’t tell me guys you’re age don’t wrestle?

CAMERON
I hate to tell you Mick, but guys any age don’t wrestle.

MICK
Well if there is any change on that front, you let me know alright?

Mick scuttles off energetically.

ZACH
What are you calling him Mick for?


CAMERON
What? What’d I do?

ZACH
You can’t call my dad by his first name, it’s disrespectful.

CAMERON
But he told me to call him that. He obviously has no issue.

ZACH
It’s not disrespectful to him. It’s disrespectful to me. How do you think I feel? I mean every time we go to someone else’s house it’s “Good Morning Mrs. Jacobs” or “How are you Mr. Davidson?” It’s embarrassing to be singled out. Don’t think I don’t notice.

CAMERON
If I can just say one thing in my defence…

ZACH
By all means.

CAMERON
I think you’re taking this too personally. Usually I can see where you’re coming from but this time I almost think it’s a compliment. I mean it says something about your dad.

ZACH
What it says to me is that no-one respects him, even you. The fact that you said you almost think it’s a compliment is what confuses me. If it’s not a compliment, what is it?

CAMERON
I disagree. I think it says that he’s one of the boys. You know? That he’s not really defined as a father figure.

ZACH
You think that sounds like a good thing? I don‘t wanna be in the sequel of I am Sam.

CAMERON
Please. You’re lame, but you’re dad’s cool.

ZACH
Trust me, he’s not.

CAMERON
Can I call him Papa M?

ZACH
Are you trying to hurt me? I just said I had an issue with you referring to him by his god-given Christian name and you want to start using nicknames for him.

CAMERON
I was just asking. (under his breath) Again with the Christian thing.

ZACH
Well don’t.

CAMERON
Fine. I won’t call him Rocko then.

At that moment Mick walks past and his attention is caught at the door.

MICK
My ears are burning…

Cameron looks imploringly at Zach.

CAMERON (MOUTHING)
I didn’t know.

MICK
So what are you two boys up to now?

ZACH (IRATELY)
Still nothing dad. It’s been 20 seconds since you asked us last time.

CAMERON
Hey Micko.

Zach shoots Cameron a deadly glare.

CAMERON (CONT’D)
M-dogger. What’s the deal with renting a house? You got any tips for us? We’re having a bit of a tough time of it.

ZACH (INTERRUPTING)
Well the first thing you have to understand Cameron, if that is your real name, is that we’re not likely to be seriously considered as tenants if you keep calling every adult you meet “M-dogger”.

As far as Zach is concerned, the matter is settled.

MICK
I don’t know about that Zach. I know I like it when people are being friendly with me, whatever their age.

Cameron responds with a smug look.

MICK (CONT’D)
Landlords are after two things in my experience: the rent has to be on time and the house has to be clean. I guess there’s no way you can prove that without rental history though. They’re not coming round here to check. Look at this mess.

CAMERON
Sounds like the M-bone is talking some sense.

Mick walks off aloofly.

ZACH
Listen, my dad’s certifiable. How do you propose we gain rental history if we can’t get a first place to rent? Did you think about that one? Did Mick? No.

CAMERON
Ahh Catch 22. But what about if we got some someone with rental experience to move in with us? That could be something…

ZACH
Yeah? And who are we gonna get? Why don’t you go and ask my dad since you love him so much?

CAMERON
Really? Do you think M-Bison would be keen?

Zach responds with a look of disbelief. Cameron remains oblivious, deep in thought.

CAMERON
How about your brother? Do you think Timmy would be interested?

ZACH
He’s my younger brother!

CAMERON (CALMLY)
Look, you’re obviously very stressed. You’re freaked out. What I say we do, is we go and look at this house now, we check it out, apply for it, whatever, and then we come back and ask T-spoon if he’s interested…

ZACH
Oh god, I hate you so much…

CUT TO:






SCENE 4


EXT: SUBURBAN HOUSE - FRONT LAWN - DAY

We see Zach and Cameron walk over to their car and lean against it. There is a for lease sign visible.

CAMERON
Outrageous! We’d have a better chance if we were the Manson family. Did you see that?

ZACH (DEJECTED)
How could I not see that?

CAMERON
It was a freaking Colgate ad in there.

ZACH
It was something alright.

CAMERON
Ooh and that snake Glenda! Imagine that, lying! Straight in my face. The nerve.

ZACH
She was a bitch alright.

CAMERON
One of those hidden bitches too. You know, beneath a guise of pleasantness. They’re the worst kind.

ZACH
And what about the way she referred to us as “boys”? Our self-esteem is hanging by a thread as it is. A pair of “boys” is never getting a house. She could at least pretend we are men.

CAMERON
I know… we do.

ZACH
Is it possible we’re not as likable as we think we are?

CAMERON
I’d say it’s probable. Look, I know, you got 94% in the How Likable Am I quiz, but you’re going to have to face the facts. Not everyone is going to like you.

ZACH
It’s always the people that matter too… So what’s our move?

CAMERON
I’ll call Luke, he got a house. He might have some tips.

ZACH
Good idea.

Cameron gets his mobile phone out of his pocket and dials. While it is ringing…

CAMERON
Got him on speed dial. Number 4. You’re number 2. It’s all too political…(LUKE ANSWERS) Luke! Hey, it’s Cam. Yeah I know, well I didn’t know if you read your phone before you picked it up. I’ll try and remember it, it’s not important! Anyway, Zach and I… yes he’s here. (TO ZACH) Luke says hi.

ZACH
Hi Luke.

CAMERON
(TO LUKE) What do you think he said? Yes, he said “hi”. How far do you think this conversation can go? Look, we’re applying for a house but we’re not having any luck. I don’t want to get into a whole thing with you about how luck doesn’t exist. OK, I believe you. Can you help us or not? We want to know how you got your house. Is there anything we can do to improve our chances? Show them we’re responsible? How do we do that? (TO ZACH) Luke says we have to prove to them that we’re responsible.

ZACH
I got that.

CAMERON
He says we can do that by going to inspections with our girlfriends since most places have a “no pets” policy.

ZACH
I think he means me. You don’t have a girlfriend…or a pet.

CAMERON
(TO LUKE) OK, thanks Luke. Yeah I’ll ask him about soccer and I’ll call you back. See ya.

ZACH
Well, what do you think of that plan?

CAMERON
It must work, I mean, he got a house and he doesn’t have a girlfriend.

ZACH
That’s true… I think the best thing to do would be if just Nat and I go. We might have a better chance if we look like we’re a couple moving in…

CAMERON (HURT)
Oh…

ZACH
Come on, clean-cut young couple looking for a house, it’s your blue biro.

CAMERON
Blue biro?

ZACH
(explaining) Yeah, your first choice, your standard move, your sure thing. You know? The trick is getting Nat to go along with it.

CAMERON
I thought you said she was fine with it.

ZACH
You know, sometimes I just say things. Whatever pops into my head, and sometimes I don’t mean them.

CAMERON
Sometimes you lie?

ZACH
Not exactly. When I said Nat was fine with it that just wasn’t the whole truth. She was eventually fine with it but her initial reaction was somewhat less enthusiastic.

CAMERON
I knew it!

ZACH
Yes, she wasn’t exactly thrilled with it. More upset than anything. She’ll be cool. She’ll be cool.
FADE OUT:

END ACT ONE


ACT TWO


FADE IN:


SCENE 5

EXT: ROAD - CAR - DAY

INT: CAR - DAY

Zach and Natasha are sitting in a car outside yet another rental property. Natasha is staring forward, avoiding looking at Zach. She is angry.

ZACH (AWKWARDLY)
So we’ll just duck in, have a quick look. See what it’s like, though it doesn’t really matter. Apply for it. It’ll only take like 10 mins.

Uncomfortable silence.

ZACH (CONT’D)
Maybe only 5 minutes even, you never know. Depends on how many people are here.

Another uncomfortable silence then Zach starts whistling aimlessly.

ZACH
It’s just important that we look like we’re applying as a couple… Thank you, really. This means a lot to me.

She refuses to look at him.

ZACH (WHISPERING TO HIMSELF)
Ooh, this is brutal.

NATASHA
What did you say!

ZACH
I said, I need to be more frugal. You know, while I’m not working.

NATASHA
That’s not what you said. I’m not an idiot.

ZACH
What do you want me to say? I’ve said sorry a thousand times.

NATASHA
You just don’t understand do you Zach? I have always wanted to move out with you and now you’re using me… and lying to me.

ZACH
I know… but I’m not ready for that. The biggest commitment I’ve ever made is to crunchy peanut butter. I don’t want to risk you getting sick of me.

SFX: A snort from the backseat.

Camera pans back to reveal Cameron’s head in between their two heads.

ZACH
What? No good?

Cameron shakes his head.

NATASHA
We’ll talk about this later when… (SHE NODS HER HEAD AT CAMERON) isn’t here. Let’s just do this thing and get it over with. But if I do this you have to have dinner with me and my parents. My dad is visiting from England and he wants to meet you.

Angle on: Zach. He turns to look at Cameron.

Angle on: Cameron. He shakes his head.

Angle on: Zach.

ZACH
Hmmm…

NATASHA
This isn’t a negotiation.

Natasha exit’s the car.

Zach exits.

CUT TO:

INT: HOUSE - KITCHEN

Joyce, the agent, is giving them the spiel.

JOYCE
A lovely young couple like yourselves shouldn’t have much trouble finding a place. You’re exactly the kind of people owners look for.

Natasha shoots a smug look at Zach.

JOYCE
I’ll just collect those forms back off you.

She reads the forms.

JOYCE (CONT’D)
Ahh (quizzically) Cameron and Zach. Anyway, it was lovely to meet you both.

NATASHA
It was nice to meet you too.

Exit Natasha and Zach.


CUT TO:

INT: CAR - DAY

We see Natasha and Zach enter the car.

CAMERON
So how’d it go?

ZACH
It was unbelievable! You wouldn’t believe how much difference it makes.

CAMERON
What’d she say? Did we get it?

ZACH
They’re gonna let us know.

NATASHA
They are going to find out you know. That it’s two guys applying. You can’t hide that forever.

ZACH
We just need to get approved, that’s all.

NATASHA
Whatever. I’m just warning you is all. Just take me home, I’ve had enough of this.

They drive off.

CUT TO:





SCENE 6

EXT: MORROW HOUSE - ESTABLISHING - EVENING

INT: ZACH’S BEDROOM - EVENING

Zach is on the phone. Cameron is flipping lazily through a real estate catalogue.

ZACH
(On the phone)
Yeah. No. I understand. Well thanks for the call. That’d be great. OK, bye.

Zach hurls his phone onto the bed in frustration. It bounces off and knocks his alarm clock off the bedside table.


CAMERON
(Without looking up)
Nice.

Zach makes his way over to where the clock and phone are lying. The phone has come apart and is in two pieces, the alarm clock is flashing. He taps it and the display returns to normal. He returns it to the bedside table.

CAMERON
Talk about killing two gadgets with one stone.

ZACH
(Trying to piece his phone together)
With one brick more like it. Lucky all my stuff is worthless.

He makes to throw the pieces of the phone at the bed again - thinks better of it - and drops them softly onto it.

ZACH
Stupid piece of junk.

CAMERON
So who was on the phone?

ZACH
Have a guess. Turns out they gave that house Nat and I looked at to another family.

CAMERON
Oh man! I thought Nat was gonna swing it for us. What is she good for?

Zach shrugs desolately. Cameron stops reading and tosses the brochure aside.

CAMERON (CONT’D)
What are we going to do now? Where are we going to find another place? God, there should be a book on this stuff.

ZACH
I do have one last plan. I know a guy.

CAMERON
Everyone knows a guy.

ZACH
Wait, you know him too. I thought as a last resort we could ask Gav to move in with us… but then it would have to be triple trouble.

CAMERON
Not Gav. Would you really want to live with Gavin Cormack?

ZACH
I’m not saying it’s ideal, but at least we’d be guaranteed to get a place. Besides, it’d be better than staying here with M&M in there.

CAMERON
Old M.C. Morrow’s not so bad. Gavin’s just so… Urggh! How is Gav gonna guarantee us a place anyhow?

ZACH
1, he’s got rental experience, 2, he’s got tons of cash, 3, he holds a high-paying job and 4, saving the worst for last, his dad’ll find us a place.

CAMERON
Oh no! His dad?

ZACH (CONCERNED)
Bad?

CAMERON
I don’t know. I haven’t met him. But you can imagine…

Zach shrugs his shoulders - admitting it’s not the best plan but what else can they do?

CAMERON
There must be some other way. Zach?

ZACH
I don’t see what else we can do. I’ll scissor, paper, rock you for whose making the call.

Zach holds out his hand in a fist to signify the initiation of a challenge.

CAMERON
I don’t think so. It’s your plan, you want him there, so you make the call.

ZACH
For God’s sake Cameron, I don’t want him there! So I’ve got to come up with the plan and be the one who does all the dirty work?

CAMERON
It would seem so.

ZACH (MUMBLING)
That seems fair.

He begins to walk over to where his phone lies in pieces on the bed and then thinks better of it.

ZACH
I’m gonna have to use your phone…




CUT TO:

SCENE 7

EXT: CAR ON ROAD - ESTABLISHING - DAY

INT: CAR - DAY

The car is parked on the LEFT HAND SIDE OF THE STREET, out the front of yet another rental property. Both of them are looking out the passenger side window. Zach is driving. There is COMPLETE SILENCE.

CUT TO

GAVIN is waving at them enthusiastically. He is that guy we all dislike but are still somehow connected with. He is wearing GLASSES, a WHITE SHIRT and TIE. He clearly works in I.T.

CUT TO

Zach and Cameron back in the car. They haven’t moved.

ZACH
If you’ve got any doubts, now’s the time.

CAMERON (MUMBLING)
I’ve been complaining non-stop for the last 12 hours. Nothing seems to be getting through.

Zach has begun getting out of the car. He stops halfway out.

ZACH
What’s that?

CAMERON
Nothing.

And Cameron gets out. They walk slowly towards Gavin and Mr. Phelps.

ZACH (QUIETLY)
Maybe it won’t be so bad.

Cameron looks dubiously at Zach.

ZACH (CONT’D)
What? You never know.

GAVIN
(CALLING OUT)
Hey guys!

Gavin holds up TWO JUMPERS WITH LETTERING that can’t be made out from this distance. They are similar to the one Gavin is wearing. As they approach it becomes clear.

Angle on: Jumper 1. It is a GREY JUMPER with MAROON LETTERING that says ZACH.

Angle on: JUMPER 2. It is the SAME JUMPER but with CAMERON written on it. Both jumpers have HOUSEMATES written on them.

Camera pulls back to reveal GAVIN’S JUMPER which is the same but with his name.

CAMERON
No. Sometimes you know.

They are now in the presence of Gavin and Mr. Cormack, Gavin‘s dad. Mr. Cormack still has his back to them and is examining the window.


GAVIN (ENTHUSIASTICALLY)
Zach, Cameron. This is my dad, Terrence.

Angle on: Zach and Cameron.

CAMERON
(out the side of his mouth)
Oh this is going to be bad.

ZACH
You think I don’t know that?

Terrence finally turns around.

Zach EXTENDS HIS HAND FOR A SHAKE.

Angle on: Mr. Cormack.

He greets them both VERY ENTHUSIASTICALLY, in a creepy way.

TERRENCE
You must be Cameron and Zach. It’s great to meet you guys. You are gonna look after my baby boy aren’t you?

GAVIN
(not as embarrassed as he should be)
Dad.

CAMERON
(overly polite to rile Zach)
It’s a real pleasure Mr. Cormack, sir.

Cameron looks sideways at Zach and smiles knowingly.

CAMERON
Thank you so much.

ZACH
Really, thank you.

TERRENCE
You’re welcome, boys and it was nice meeting you. But… (turning to Gavin) I better get back and look after Lolly.

GAVIN
Alright dad, see you tomorrow.

Terrence walks down the path and gets into his car in the background.

CAMERON
Who’s Lolly?

ZACH
Yeah Gav, I didn’t know you had a sister. Is she sick?

GAVIN
No, no, no. Lolly’s our cat, and she’s not sick.

Zach and Cameron exchange a confused look.

GAVIN (THEATRICALLY)
Come on in guys. I’ll give you the grand tour!

Angle on: Front door. Gavin waits enthusiastically ushering them in.

GAVIN
What’s the hold up guys? I want to show you the lounge room where I’ve set mattresses up on the floor for tonight’s slumber party.

Cameron waves his fist threateningly.

CAMERON
And I want to show you where I want to put this…

Zach nudges him sharply.

Cameron thinks better of it and tries to save.

CAMERON (CONT’D)
… poster I’ve got for my room.

Gavin waits for them to enter this time and ushers them around.

ZACH
Nice one. (to Gavin) Listen, Gavin, I appreciate the effort buddy but tonight just isn’t good for me. I’ve got other plans.

GAVIN
Oh, that’s too bad. I was hoping that we could all spend the first night together.

ZACH
(overly sincere)
Oh me too. Me too. But don’t let that stop you and Cameron having a great time together. I just promised Nat that I would have dinner with her family tonight.

GAVIN
That’s ok. Looks like it’s just you and me, Cameron.

ZACH
Alright, guys I’ll catch you later.

Zach turns and exits.
Cameron’s look follows Zach desperately.
On Cameron’s anxious expression we:

CUT TO


SCENE 8

EXT. RESTAURANT CAR PARK - NIGHT - ESTABLISHING

INT. ZACH’S CAR

Zach is parking the car. Nat is in the passenger seat.

ZACH
I’m just saying, I don’t know why we didn’t go with your parents is all. I’m a bit nervous about meeting your dad. Would’ve liked the car trip as a warm-up.

NATASHA
You’ll be fine. He’s only been out here a few days but he’s been dying to meet you. Thank you for coming.

They have parked the car and gotten out and are moving toward the restaurant door.

ZACH
It’s no problem Nat; I just hope he likes me.

CUT TO

CLOSE SHOT - ZACH’S FACE - at the table. He looks nervous.

PULL BACK to reveal NATASHA sitting next to him. Camera rotates 180 degrees to reveal BALD MR PHELPS from the opening scene --- Nat’s dad. He does not look impressed. There is an uncomfortable silence at the table until finally:

MRS PHELPS
So Zach, have you managed to find a house yet?

At this moment the waiter arrives at the table.

ZACH
Well yes actually, a friend of ---

MR PHELPS
(interrupting)
Yes, I think we are ready to order.

SFX: Buzzing of phone on silent.

Angle on: Zach leaning over to whisper to Natasha.

ZACH
(quietly)
I’m getting a phone call so I might take it in the bathroom.

MR PHELPS
How’s that Zach?

ZACH
(awkwardly)
I was just excusing myself to use the bathroom. I’m getting a very important phone call. I’m very sorry, but I have to take it. And I’ve gotta go anyway.

MRS PHELPS
No problem, sweetie. We’ll wait for you.

At this he stands up and leaves.

CAMERA TRACKS HIM THROUGH the restaurant into the Men’s bathroom. It is only a one toilet room.

CUT TO

MR PHELPS
I think I might need to use the facilities myself. (mumbling) How rude…

He starts to leave.

CUT TO

Zach - On the phone. Entering the bathroom. It is a small one cubicle only bathroom.

ZACH
Hey Luke, how’s it going? I can’t really talk, I’m at dinner with Nat’s parents.

Zach - he is locking the door and turns toward the toilet.

INTERCUT - Zach/Luke

LUKE
No dramas man. Just seeing how you were going? How’d you go today with rentals?

ZACH
Not bad.

LUKE
How’d you get there? Whose car did you have?

CUT TO

THE BATHROOM - As MR PHELPS enters and sees the locked door. He waits. Stay on his reactions as we hear:

ZACH (O.S)
I used Johnnies. Well my parents were out of town. I just thought it would be safer.

MR PHELPS is FUMING.

Nah, it was just as quick. Yeah that sucks huh. Alright, see ya man.

CUT TO - Zach, completely unaware of how what he has been saying has been misinterpreted. He was referring to a car.

CLOSE SHOT - ZACH’S FACE - He looks down, then appears concerned.

CLOSE SHOT - TOILET BOWL - the seat is up but there is a sprinkle of urine around the rim.

CLOSE SHOT - ZACH’S HEAD - He looks around in all directions. He can’t decide whether to go or hold it. He leans towards the toilet paper as if to wipe it up but then thinks better of it.

MED SHOT - ZACH starts urinating with his back to camera.

CLOSE SHOT - ZACH’S FACE - he is concentrating hard.
He flushes and unlocks the door. As he comes out to wash his hands the next person comes in: Mr. Phelps!

CLOSE SHOT - Look of anguish on Zach’s face. He cannot begin to explain the situation.

Mr. Phelps walks past him gruffly and is in the toilet before Zach can say anything.

On Zach’s pained expression we…

CUT TO

ZACH - squirming nervously under someone’s fierce gaze.

MR PHELPS - Rejoining the table, providing the deadly gaze at Zach. He leans over to whisper something in the ear of Mrs. Phelps who then gives Zach a concerned look.

At this time the food arrives.

Everyone waits until everyone has a plate in front of them.

A beat.

Finally Zach picks up his bread roll, pulls it apart, butters it and then takes a bite.
As if waiting for this moment, Mr. Phelps puts his hands together to pray.

MR PHELPS
(Staring at Zach)
I’ll just say grace and then we can get started…

Zach looks extremely embarrassed.

CUT TO - RESTAURANT - LATER

The food is finished and everyone is sitting contentedly. The waiter arrives with the plate and book for the bill. He places it on the table.

MR PHELPS - beginning to reach around to get his wallet.

ZACH
No, no. I insist. Let me pay this time. Mrs. Phelps always provides for me and this is the least I can do.

Mr. Phelps seems to soften a little at this.

MR PHELPS
Does she?


MRS PHELPS
That’s very sweet. Thank you, Zach.

Zach produces his wallet and takes out his key card - the SAME ONE that he paid for the Gatorades with at the start.

MR PHELPS
Yes, thank you. You didn’t have to do that but I’ve always liked a man who pays his debts.

Zach puts his card in with the bill and the waiter comes back to collect it.

ZACH
You’re very welcome. It was my pleasure, so don’t mention it. You know what always gets me though. I don’t understand the public holiday surcharge, what do they work 10% harder today. What’s the deal?

NATASHA
(to Mr. Phelps)
See dad, I told you he looks after me.

And she kisses him on the cheek. Mr. Phelps looks nonplussed.

ZACH
Yes, well, that was a very enjoyable evening, and it was very nice to meet you too. I hope to see you a few more times while you’re out here.

For the first time, Mr. Phelps cracks a smile to Zach and makes a joke:

MR PHELPS
If you keep treating us to dinner I might just take you up on that.

At this moment the waiter returns with the bill and addresses Zach.

WAITER
I’m sorry sir, but you’re card was declined. Insufficient funds.

Mr. Phelps looks knowingly over at Mrs. Phelps. On Zach’s embarrassed expression we:

FADE OUT:


END ACT TWO


THE END