Steps of a Journey

Life is filled with tragedy and heartbreak, and yet we live to go on another day. Somehow we find the strength to move on when all around we hear "Give it up. It's hopeless."



I had often hoped that I could go back and change certain  scenarios in my life to better fit what I thought should happen. However, looking back,  I realize that in changing those scenarios, I was, in effect,  changing the very makeup of who I am. I cannot alter my past without altering who I am.



Several times, the pain has been too much to bear. There were a few times when I did come close to giving up and watching my blood mingle with the rocks in the street. I will not hide the fact that I entertained the thoughts of a very public suicide. I was trying to gain the attention of whoever would listen and it seemed like NO one was listening. My family brushed it off as teenage drama. My friends simply thought I was acting out to gain sympathy. The counselors were clueless as to what I needed because they were bound to do nothing. I couldn't even get the so called BAD influence group to notice.



So I envisioned a death where all would feel the pain that I was feeling. Blood and rain mixed in the streets as lightning flashed and thunder rolled. Ancient magics were alive and crackling throughout the city and all those who had dared to hurt me or ignore me were lost to the tempest released with my life blood.



There were variations, of course. Sometimes, I would be saved by some hero type who banished my hurt and anger with true love. I had been brainwashed into believing that love was all fireworks and swooning. The books which I held so dear, spoke of love overcoming all and even continuing on over ages and different lives. They told of demons redeemed with the power of love and all wrongs forgiven.



No one spoke of what happens after the story ended. My world was colored with turbulent scenes stained with Budweiser and blood. Anger flowed like a warm breath through our house, as if it were another family member. Now we weren't so bad as some who have garnered media coverage. We were simply the impoverished. It changes your perspective so much. It amazes me how one event can alter so much. Anger wasn't always so prevalent in our house.



There were times before that almost made it seem idyllic. But afterward, it made it hard to believe that anything like that was possible. So I reached out, I grasped at whatever straws I could find. I stole, I lied, I hated. I was angry and vengeful and lost. Or so I thought.



I was lost in a place where I thought no one could reach me, not even God. At that point, I wasn't even sure the God existed. It seemed like everyone who was supposed to care about me had thrown me away. My mom and step dad were traipsing across the country, my dad was denying that I even existed, and my mom's family was all about "smile and it will all go away eventually."



I was discarded and feeling very unwanted. I didn't care about school, but I cared enough to not get into major trouble. I was playacting at rebellion because I was too scared to take the leap. I was trying so hard to find something that made me happy, but at the same time, I was too afraid of disappointing someone else.  So after a colossal stupid mistake, I decided to make another one.



I woke up that morning with a feeling like I was utterly alone in the world. I opened up the medicine cabinet and downed two huge handfuls of Tylenol and Aspirin and chased them with a glass of white wine. Sounds like a bad movie scene. Well, let me tell ya, it doesn't work like they say it should. I ended up puking my guts up for three days straight and waking up nauseous every morning for the next two weeks.



Then, God decided I was ready to find him again.  So I was introduced to a friend of mine. The man was definitely not attractive by our society's standards. But, what I saw when I met him, was something that I had NEVER seen on anyone in my life. He was so sweet, and so caring. In a matter of minutes, I was lost, but I didn't know it.  Desperado by The Eagles came on the radio and I started crying.  He simply held me and didn't have to say anything.



Over the next few months, we got close very fast, so fast that our friends were getting concerned. But we both knew that there was something else bringing us together. He mentioned not wanting a girlfriend but wanting a wife and I never  hesitated. My answer was yes from the moment we met. My family was furious. They all swore he had devious motives and it was shown to me that it was time for me to rise above the station of my family and step out in faith.



That was the easy part. Getting married was the easy part too. And that's usually where the stories end. What they don't tell you is the effect of marriage on a young woman, especially one who has seen too much pain. I almost lost him as soon as I had found him. I loved him but I was afraid to trust him.  I kept expecting the worst around every corner. It was a very difficult time and when you throw a new baby into the mix along with getting along with the in laws, it's even worse.



I don't pull punches when a young couple starts speaking of marriage. I am upfront and downright blunt about that fact that it is very hard. Too many people don't realize that marriages don't just happen. They take work and diligence. And they don't get anywhere without GOD. It was God that brought my husband and I together, and it was God who helped me get past my past. It was God who protected my four children when it seemed that everything was stacked against us. It was God who helped me grow from an obstinate rebellious child into the woman that I am today.



Don't get me wrong. He' s not done yet. And for that I am glad. Because that means, that He will be with me for alot longer. He molds every choice I make and every step I take.  It is because of Him, that I know I am forgiven. He has helped me overcome the lying and the stealing. He has healed the hurts and wounds that caused me so much pain and He replaced them with a peace and an understanding that no matter what happens, He will always be there.



I went from being lost in the dark to being bathed in the light.  My road is still littered with rocks and crevices, but I have found a way around them.



Author's Note: It has been ten and 1/2 years and four kids, a dog and a cat later. We just purchased and moved into a new home and are seeing even more of God's blessings all around us. That doesn't mean our life is any easier, it simply means we have learned to appreciate every little thing around us. May God bless all who read this, because everyone deserves to feel so loved.



Author's Second Note: It has now been 14 years, five kids now, and the cat has found a new home. We are still doing great and God keeps revealing more to us. Our BLESSING is here and our time is now. God BLESS all of you who read this and may you feel His peace in all you do.



Author's Third Note; It has now been 16 years. Five kids, two dogs, and 3 years of homeschooling down, we are doing well. God has kept working on me. In fact, on February 19th of 2012, the final chains of the spirit of depression were shattered off me and I haven't stopped moving forward. There have been hurdles like in every journey and some of them have taken longer to go around than others, but I have never doubted that God was by my side throughout it all. There are people out there that I know could prosper from having His touch in their lives but unfortunately they refuse to listen. God's word says that we are to walk away from those who refuse to listen. 9 Then he called his twelve disciples together, and gave them power and authority over all devils, and to cure diseases.

2 And he sent them to preach the kingdom of God, and to heal the sick.

3 And he said unto them, Take nothing for your journey, neither staves, nor scrip, neither bread, neither money; neither have two coats apiece.

4 And whatsoever house ye enter into, there abide, and thence depart.

5 And whosoever will not receive you, when ye go out of that city, shake off the very dust from your feet for a testimony against them.

6 And they departed, and went through the towns, preaching the gospel, and healing every where.

Luke 9:1-6

It is not the easiest thing to do sometimes, and yet, it is a necessary thing, May God bless all of you and May His light shine through you and touch all those around you.