ADHD - My story of personal triumph

ADHD - My Story of Personal Triumph

I spent most of my childhood knowing there was something about me that made me different.  At some point I was able to clutch on to the idea that that difference made me special and not necessarily a problem.  However the thought that I was just generally a problem seemed to over shadow every attempt to believe anything else.

Some things improved when I was diagnosed with, among other things, PMS in 1989 and began treatment for a hormonal imbalance that was so profound; today it has its own special category, PMDD.  I was suicidal.  This diagnosis came three months after James and I were married and at the time seemed to be the explanation for all that had ailed me and my life.

Six years later when my second baby was two years old, I could no longer explain away the depression I was feeling by things like; having had a baby, quitting my job, a decision that cut our household income in half, and moving. This situation ultimately resulted in a diagnosis of clinical depression.

Four years ago it became apparent that I still had serious issues.  I was a chronic over spender; marital issues were enmeshed with this as well. It was like trying to unravel a ball of string and being completely unable to find the end of the string! I kept hearing that debt was not the issue; it was a result of an underlying issue.  I kept trying to find it, but it kept evading conscience awareness. My final straw came when, for the second time in my adult life, in a complete other profession, I was told I needed to find someplace else to work. I had left the FAA because someone had told me I just wasn’t working out there. I transitioned into education thinking that a lower stress level would help alleviate some of my issues. Did I ever miss the mark on that one! On soooooo many levels!

When something like that happens once you can explain it away as a personality conflict or whatever. But, twice? That's when you know there is something that must be addressed within yourself, regardless of whatever true issues lay within others. My best friend suggested her psychiatrist. My thinking was, "What the hell?  The worst that can happen is he can't figure it out either."

In less than an hour the doctor ever so gently put forth the diagnosis of ADHD. I told him he was crazy.  He proceeded to describe how he got there.  My answers to questions regarding my childhood were a significant clue, as was how I was sitting on the edge of my chair. How my speech was so forced and raced so fast I couldn’t seem to catch my breath. So I relaxed back in my chair and said, "Oh, really!" He laughed good naturedly and explained that he was not ready to give a prescription; I needed to go do my own research, and follow up with him in a couple of months.  If I didn't agree we would figure something else out. This seemed more than a reasonable approach.

I went to the bookstore that night and purchased two books.  Twenty pages into the first book I had four pages of notes. This is me. This is me. This is me.  I could not believe it. One of the things I read that still sticks with me to this day said that people with ADHD are extremely blunt and are completely baffled when someone tries to point out how offensive they are.  This resonated with me because so many people tried to address this with me and I would just, “And….?”

I followed up with the doctor after only two weeks.  By this time I had reams of notes.  I proceeded to read every one of them.  (Classic ADHD!) After about fifteen minutes the doctor said, "Um...for the sake of time, you've convinced me!"  Obviously he knew I needed only to convince myself.  He started me on medication.

By this time I had been through so much that I knew things usually got worse before they got better. The medication adjustment period for this was far worse than any PMS episode I ever endured, but I was determined to stick it out. Fortunately it was summer and the only other people subjected to this were my immediate family, God bless ‘em! James had an extremely difficult time trying to help me sort through all that was going on. I explained to him that all I could really see at that moment was what this had cost me.  I referred to my time at the FAA. I pointed out that I might still be there enjoying the level of success that women who entered service there as engineers around the same time I had were. Instead, I was currently in a profession that people perceived you only did because you couldn't do anything else and, at the moment, I was even failing at that. He really was very well intentioned when he responded with, “So what? It’s not that big a deal.” Fortunately, I was able to see his good intentions and did not kill him!

I was finally able to realize that: one, I could still not know what was going on. Or two, know and there be nothing that could be done about it. Instead, I knew, there was something that could be done, and I was on that path.

Over the next few days, weeks, months enough happened to fill a book. Including recognition that, in some situations, there had been people who had previously wanted to throw me out of a window! And I didn’t blame them! More and more I would go to sleep at night actually liking the person I had been that day.  This was something that happened maybe twice a year since I could remember. No wonder I had a depression issue!

The over spending stopped like someone flipped a switch.  Our debt issue was resolved and we began moving forward financially for the first time since we were married.

Two and a quarter years ago I went to work for the Texas Department of Criminal Justice, returning to the engineering profession (who knew they needed engineers?).  In this agency, in this division, in this profession there are very few, very infrequent opportunities for promotion.  Someone has to die, retire, or otherwise leave from one of four positions. And half of that number only creates the potential of opportunity. Nineteen months after joining TDCJ I was selected for a promotion into a position that is the highest level I personally have ever achieved AND it is the highest pay band level ever achieved by a woman in this division of TDCJ.

This is remarkable because it is the approximate time frame it would have taken for me to be relegated to the “not ever going any where” list previously, if not out and out fired. And I continue to be found in favor of my subordinates, peers, superiors and counterparts in other divisions. Proving this wasn’t just a fluke.

One of two major down sides is that this job is 180 miles from my permanent residence. I drive down Monday morning in time for my shift and when I arrive at the office on Friday morning I am already packed for the departure home. Everyday I have to resolve to continue to do what is put in front of me as best I can because I cannot know which one is the reason I am there. God has me there for a reason. It may only be the obvious preparation for what is yet to come. But, it has been proven time and again; this only leads to what comes next!