Love

How can I cry, how can I be so miserable when I have the love of my life on my side. Someone who will be there for me no matter what, he may not understand, but he tries. I've never met someone so wonderful and perfect in my life. I just wish I was the same for him without all this nonsense going on in my head. I feel bad, if I wasn't so selfish and needing love I could have thought in advance and stopped him from having to go through all this with me all the time it seems like. Sometimes I really wonder how good of a person I really am, or if I'm just the same as everyone else on the streets, self absorbed, not caring for anything or anyone truthfully. This numbness and fear absorbs my thoughts and makes me into someone I don't want to be. I'm afraid, terrified to think of my past for the fear that I will ruin my life even further. Or if I ever do truly admit my past, deeply and spiritually will I collapse into the ruins of dissociation and depression. Never to return. I wish this weight would be gone but the fear it will never let go. I'm afraid the nightmares will replay in my head night after night until I meet my end.