Free Verse on Spite and Self Loathing |
I have spent a lot of my life hating you, Please don't feel singled out by this statement I have hated plenty of others with vigor also You're not that special or lucky Blinded by the only way that I could feel good, Was to somehow, someway, make you feel bad A pretty sad place to be in ones life It was the truth though, sadly it was These feelings were based on imagined hurt Suspicion and fear led me around by the nose Mistrust sat on my right shoulder, paranoia on my left How could I feel any differently with these constant companions Real or imagined hurt resulted in making me angry, Fear raised the level to full blown rage Just ask the drywall and door panels that felt the fury of my fists Better them than you, although it wasn't always that way and I wasn't that sure I personally suffered the most from these feelings The isolation and hardness of my being extracted a high price Deep inside I craved your love and attention Outwardly, I could not let you see it mattered to me Personal signs of weakness were not to be tolerated Cold ramparts and parapets had to be built to keep you out I did not perceive that they would also keep me captive Teetering on the precipice of madness from the sheer isolation The coldness that loneliness was caused me to ache It wore me down and made me aware of my humanness I succumbed to the idea that I had to have you in my life Sitting in the dungeon of despair, hopelessly lost, trapped Fearfully crying out to anyone who might hear, desperate Afraid that someone might not answer and I die alone Terrified more so that someone would and I would live The Great Truth answered my fearful utterance No longer blinded by the spite I have found that It is not that way today for me and in turn for you It is far easier to love someone than to hate them It consumes less energy and a lot less ambition It is the right thing to do for me and for others It has filled my life with meaning and purpose It has demolished the cold ramparts and parapets Leaving a mere smoking pile of rubble that is my past The Great Truth had always been there, I had turned away |