Poppy's Smile

My name is William George Graven, but people call me Wolfgang. I don’t know what the meaning of life is. I’m 6 foot 2 and I have black dyed hair. I’m 17 years of age and I go to Leeds Anglican School. Ever since I was a small boy, I’d always love to interact with people and I guess you could say I was “popular”. I was headstrong and liked things to go smoothly. By the age of 5 I had discovered although people  could be nice, kind and generous, they could also be horrid, intimidating and argumentative. I decided to stand up to these people, defend my beliefs if you like. But, obviously, not everyone seemed to agree with me.
My mother once said she always knew I would be different. At the time, I didn’t know what she meant, I know everyone is different in their own way, but what if I turned out demented, or paralyzed? I questioned myself and my mother for years about what she meant, each time her answer was simply, “when you’re older, you might understand”. I preferred knowing things instead of missing out, but in the end, I gave up.. I mean, if my mother didn’t want to tell me, what else could I do?

It wasn’t till I heard the news, the news that’ll haunt me forever, the news that still stuns me to this very day, to this very thought, to this very page, that I realised, I would have to leave this place; my home, my family and friends, behind.  I would have to leave before it was truly my time. But what must be done must be done. You can wait around in sorrow, you have to fulfil your dreams, your thoughts and mistakes may come badly, but they will heal. Everything does.

It was December 23rd 2007, 2 days before Christmas. The atmosphere in the house was busy and crowded. Mum was rushing around, making sure she had everything prepared and ready for Christmas Eve dinner, dad, as per usual, was trying his best to help out but wasn’t exactly helping. More eating food behind mum’s back. Typical really.
Joanna, my sister, was walking around like the sky was falling. Also typical. My sister was 13 and reminded me so much of myself when I was her age, she looked the same if to be honest, she had the same hair, almost the same height, same “I hate my life” attitude. Nowadays people would class her as an “emo” , but really, she’s just listens to good music (in my opinion) and dresses differently. No need for any stereotyping.
Then Chris came down the stairs, my older brother. He lives in Nottingham with his girlfriend Sarah. They came down to spend the holiday with us. He’s 24 and like me, has a long line of disorders and “problems”. His, however, have been dealt with and no longer bother him, mine… Well let’s just say I doubt they’ll ever go away.

I sat down at the long, messy dinner table. I was sitting there silently for a good few minutes when my phone vibrated. The name on the phone read “Poppy” I smiled and almost instantly answered,
“Hey…”
“Hey Wolfgang! How are you on this fine.. Snowy.. Cold.. Christmas Eve Eve day?”, I laughed slightly and broadened my smile.
“I’m great cheers, How are you my darling Poppy?”
“Well, I’m great. Tired, but great”. Poppy was one of the most happiest people I’ve ever met. I’ve known her since I was 4 years old. I remember the first day I met her, her mousy brown hair was shoulder length. It was down and she wore small butterfly clips on either side.. She had a giant smile on her face which automatically made me feel warm and content inside, she wore a bright yellow t-shirt that had a picture of a daisy, or some small white flower, on it. She had small denim shorts on that had small paint stains on them, if I remember rightly, we had been painting that day. She wore white converses which I also had, I guess that made me want to be friends even more. The first time we spoke was in the playground when she asked if I wanted to play hide-and-seek. I thought to myself this was a great chance to make a friend, so I accepted happily.
We played hide-and-seek for around 30 minutes with around 6 other kids, but none of them smiled and laughed like Poppy, none of them cheered and made me feel accepted like Poppy did. It wasn’t until around 5 months later that I classed Poppy as my best-friend.. And ever since then.. 13 years later, we have been best friends. And yes, we’ve had our ups and downs and many of the each, but.. I ’m always here for her, as she is for me.

“So, what time should I come over? Wolfgang? Are you there?”
“… Huh?! What.. Sorry, I was just reminiscing”
“Reminiscing? About what?”
“The day we first met.. You know, hide-and-seek game?”
“Ah. Yes, I remember. Good times aye?”
“Ha, yes, very good times, before all the hard times that is..”
“Mm, yes, but lets not think about that now. What time should I come over?”
“Err, half an hour?”
“Okay, will do. See you then buddy. Love you bye!”
“Bye Poppy, be safe. I love you”

The phone line goes dead and I stare at my phone thinking of the conversation we just had. I smiled and walked away from the dinner table and walked up the stairs to my room. I bumped into Joanna on the way,
“Hey baby sis!” I said ruffling her hair sprayed covered hair.
“Hey big bro, sup?”
“The usual, you?”
“Mm, Nothing really. Just a little bored, need some new music… Any ideas?”
“Try.. Bring Me The Horizon, Otep and The Birthday Massacre ? They might excite you.”
With that, I carried on walking up the stairs,
“Thanks Will, speak to you tonight?”
I nodded but said nothing, I knew where my sister was going tonight, and I didn’t like it. I know what it felt like to go where she was going and its not exactly the sort of place that can put you in the Christmas mood. Nobody needs to be counselled on such a holiday.

When I reached my bedroom, I fully closed the door and pressed play on my iPod dock. The song “Stand Up” by the Flobots pounded its bass line and put my heart in a more upbeat mood. I paced up and down my room thinking of what to do, I found myself singing along to the lyrics
“Stand up. We shall not be moved, except by a child with no socks or shoes”- It was probably one of my favourite lines in the song, it had more than just a meaning.. It showed truth and reality.

My door suddenly swung open and in bounced the ever smiley Poppy Summer Steel, my best friend, my first real friend, my sister and my forever friend.
“Hello my dearly beloved William George Graven”
“Hey there my dear.”
She smiled the smile that gives me the same feeling each time. The feeling that I felt for the first time all those 13 years ago.

We talked for which seemed for hours about life, situations, problems and ours thoughts on people at our school. Each time Poppy came round, we just had to have a “bitching fest”, it was like a routine, a vital moment of our meetings.
We watched a film, “Super Bad” to be exact. We must have watched this film over a million times, but we still laugh at the same jokes, they just never seem to grow old when you’re with the people you want to grow old with.
The film ended and we both sank into the softness of the pillow Mum had laid out on my bed. We didn’t speak, move, make eye contact. We just breathed and existed.
Poppy suddenly turned to me and stared at me for a few moments, I could tell she was looking at me from the corner of my eye, I didn’t want to look back at her.. I knew what she would say, what she would ask.
“Will…”, she said in a slight whisper
I could tell now what she was going to ask, she never calls or called me Will unless it was something serious… I still didn’t turn and face her
“Will, look at me…”
No reply.
“Will, please, just.. Just pay attention” I hated it when she did this, I felt guilty so I turned.
“Yes Poppy?” I sighed
“Have you taken your medication?” I closed my eyes as she said the word medication. It left such a sick feeling in my body, it panged at my veins and stretched out my lungs.. It was a word I despised.
“Well, have you?” she asked impatiently
“No.. No I haven’t..”
“Will.. When was the last time you took it?” she said sympathetically
I looked around and finally managed the sentence “I don’t remember”
Poppy’s once smiley face turned into a face full of sorrow, confusion, and even though she tried her best to hide it, I could still see she was disappointed. I hated myself for this, ever more than I had before. I couldn’t stand letting Poppy down, I know I should be taking my medication, but, I’m just too proud, too arrogant to even pick up the fucking tablet!
I have manic depression, other wise known as bipolar disorder, and the medication I take, controls my mood swings and my constant depression. Me being the arrogant pig that I am, feels that I don’t need to take the medication because I can control my mood swings, but everyone else thinks otherwise.

“Will! You know you should take it! Why are you doing this to yourself? You’re just making your condition worse and worse Will. And sooner or later, you will lose what you think is control other your mood swings and you will push everyone away.” Her voiced was raised, I rarely ever see this side of Poppy. Although I know she is just looking out for me, I certainly didn’t need to be told what I already knew.

“Don’t you think I know that already! I’m already pushing everyone away, I hardly have anyone left because everyone I once loved are just turning to people who act like the fucking doctors that give me this so called medication! I know what I’m doing, and I know what it’ll do to me in later life. I know it fucking helps, but NEW FLASH for you Poppy.. I don’t give a fuck anymore.. I couldn’t care less if I died because I didn’t have these pills. I should’ve taken the fucking OD when I had the chance.. The only reason why I didn’t was because of you! And now look.. I’m pushing you away too!” I could feel the fire in my veins, all my anger was pouring out and I didn’t want it to.. I knew I was making it worse, and I also knew I was going to wake up in the morning feeling like shit, once again, but I couldn’t stop.. And I guess you could say I didn’t want to.

“Will.. You don’t mean that, take it back! Take it back now!” Poppy had tears in her eyes, this made me hurt more in my heart, but something clicked in my head, my anger had reached turning point and I couldn’t stop myself anymore
“No! I will NOT take it back.. I’ve had enough with you and your fucking advice, telling me what I mean and what I don’t mean. Telling me what to do and not to do. Just fuck off Poppy.. You are not helping and you never have! I do mean it, I fucking do. If I could, I would take a fucking knife right now and kill myself!” I was breathing quicker and my fear levels raised, I thought I was going to run out of breath, but most of all, I was terrified of her come back, her reply…
“Then why don’t you? Why don’t you just take a knife and stab yourself Will. I mean, no one cares about you? Like you said, you’re pushing everyone you once loved away.. Why don’t you just take the fucking knife and slice away?! Why?!” Poppy was screaming now.. I don’t think I’ve ever heard Poppy scream like this.
I didn’t know what to reply, I was seething with anger
“Well?! Why don’t you Will? Why don’t you just kill yourself?! If you’re so serious about it.. Why don’t you just do it?!”, as she said that, I turned away from her and stared at the floor.. I wanted to hit something, throw something, suffocate something.. I just wanted to get out of this situation.. I wont let this feeling build up inside of me
“ANSWER ME?!” she screamed so loudly now that she drowned out my thoughts




A few seconds passed. Poppy had her hand to her face. My left hand was in mid-air and stung. Poppy looked stunned. It took me a few more seconds to figure out what I had just done… Fuck, this can’t be happening! This can’t be real!

“I’m sorry”

The door slammed violently. I was left alone in my room.. Again. I felt like I couldn’t think, I couldn’t speak, I could just about breath. How could this of happened? How and why?!
I had just hurt the best person in my life, the person I love so much, the only person I felt close too. This cant be happening.. It just can’t be
No answer.. That’s about the seven hundredth time I’ve tried to call Poppy. But still, no answer. I keep getting her fucking answer phone. I tried her house phone.. But her mum just said she wasn’t in. Which was a lie. I could tell because I could hear Poppy’s sister in the background calling her name. I knew Poppy was heartbroken and obviously wanted to make me realise just how much I had hurt her. But I was heartbroken to… If I had one wish in this whole world.. I would take back what I did to her that day. And I mean that,  I wouldn’t wish for my family to be happier, or for me to not have this fucking disorder. I knew my disorder would be bad? But.. But I didn’t ever think I would take my anger out on someone, that someone being the only person who understands me.

I went down stairs, Mum, was once again scurrying around making sure everything was were it was meant to be, everyone was dressed how they were supposed to be dressed..
“William! William! Why is your hair not neat?!” oh fuck…
“It is neat! Are you blind?!”
“Will, it looks like you were just dragged through a bush backwards… And what’s wrong with your trousers? I have important people coming over.. I don’t want you looking like death’s been knocking at…” She paused mid sentence and it almost looked as if she was going to cry…  she realised that what she was about to was either going to make bad memories and problems run through the whole of our family’s mind. Or that she was going to seriously upset me
“Just… Just gel your hair down a bit.. So it doesn’t look like you just got out of bed?” she smiled as she said this.. But her bright grin wasn’t fooling anyone.. Everybody knew she felt guilt. I smiled weakly.. Showing no sign of happiness, I reckoned if I wasn’t actually happy, then what’s the point in pretending?

Around 20 minutes later, my parent’s guest came round for Christmas Eve dinner, that’s when it hit me.. Poppy and her family were also coming round, this meant I could try and explain to Poppy about yesterday, tell her how sorry I was. For the first time that day, I felt I had a chance and a reason to go through with it. I knew it wasn’t going to be easy, but I had to try my best.

We were all sitting round the table. We had just said grace, not that we were a religious family, mum just liked to make impressions. Each person said “Amen”, I took this as a chance to stare Poppy right in the eyes. As I did so, I made sure I made a puppy dog face, the face I usually used to make her forgive me easier. I knew it wouldn’t be this easy, but I thought it might help.
She looked straight at me.. And gave this really blank look, as if she could see me but she was staring right past me. I looked down at the table and sighed quietly. What have I done?

Throughout the whole meal, neither me or Poppy spoke, which seemed strange because each time at mum’s Christmas Eve Dinners, we were inseparable. When my parent’s special guests left I stood up and left the table, as I walked I looked at mum. She didn’t say anything, just looked quite confused, probably because I was being quiet for once. I walked up to the second step when I turned on my heels and called out to Poppy
“Poppy, Poppy” She turned her head and stared in my direction, she didn’t look me in the face, but she was looking in my direction. I waved my hand, motioning her to come with me to my room. At first ,she hesitated, then I guess she realised she didn’t want to cause a scene so she got up and walked towards me.
I couldn’t help but smile, but I didn’t want to look like an utter twat in front of the girl I just abused, so I covered it up with a cough. Poppy, however, didn’t look at all amused.
As soon as we entered my room, my first words were, “I’m sorry!”
she looked at me in a way that made me feel uncomfortable. She usually did this when she suspected I was hiding something for her.. I hated it when she did this..
I look down at the floor and sighed,
“Poppy, look. I’m so sorry, I know violence is not the answer. And I know I hurt you. But I didn’t mean it. Poppy I love you, I would do anything to take it all back. I promise you, I didn’t mean it. It’s just I was so angry, I still am at myself. I never meant this to happen, trust me of all people Poppy! You’ve known me for 13 years, I would never hurt you on purpose.. I’m just so sorr-”
“If you didn’t mean it.. Why did you do it?” it was the first time I heard Poppy’s voice that day, it sounded strange though. It didn’t sound like her voice, she didn’t sound like Poppy. She no longer sounded lively, cheerful and hopeful. She sounded upset, disturbed and fearful. This made me scared,
“I don’t know.. If I did know, I would tell you, I’m just.. I’m just so confused right now, I don’t what’s right or wrong. I don’t what to do or what not to do..”
“This is what happens when you don’t take your medication” she stepped towards the door she was standing right next to and held onto the handle, I hastily walked towards her and held onto the handle she was also holding onto. She flinched as I reached her. Great, my best friend is scared of me…
“Poppy, please, just hear me out.. Please?”
“What.. So you can just attack me again?! Will.. I’m sick of the arguing, we’re best friends and yes best friends argue. But not all the fucking time. We’re not some married couple going through divorce settlements, lets leave that to my parents okay?! I’ve got enough to handle without you throwing your weight around like some four year old kid who isn’t allowed the latest football sticker! Its not fair on me and it’s certainly not fair on yourself. You’re 17, not 7!” I didn’t know what to say to this.. So I let her hand go and stepped back.. I don’t think I had any emotion on my face, but I do know that I was giving her a chance to walk out of my life and forget about me or accept my apology.
I looked up at her finally, she looked hurt but most of all.. Sympathetic, she knew how things were hard for me, but things we hard for her too… I just didn’t realise this because she always seemed so happy.. So care free.
“Poppy, I’m sorry, I know you know that. But whether you’ll accept it, well, that’s your own choice. But can I tell you this. I can’t sleep at night knowing everyday I can’t help you with things you find hard, I cant be there for you all the time, and most off all.. I can’t sleep knowing I’ve done this to you.. Poppy, you are my best friend and I don’t want to ever forget you.. No matter what illnesses come my way, I will never fucking forget you Poppy. You come before my family, you ARE my family Poppy, I cant stress enough to tell you how much I love you. I just need you the most right now. I cant eat, I cant sleep, I just need you to be here for me, like I am for you. Please Poppy, I’ve said I’m sorry, I am so sorry… I just, just need you to believe in me, trust me… Please?”
“I love you Wolfgang, I do. You’re my best friend, and you always have been. But you can’t keep hurting people like this. Taking your stress out and arguing, its not fair, you realise that?” I smiled because once again, I was in her good books,
“I understand Poppy.. I really do, I’m just so sorry” I walked towards her and stretched my arms out. She walked towards me and I hugged her tightly, the type of hug I give her when I’m her shoulder to cry on,
“I love you Poppy…” I looked into her eyes
“I love you too Wolfgang, but please, promise me something?” She still looked sympathetic.
“Yes, anything? What is it?”
“Take your medication…”
I looked over her shoulder and into the full length mirror on the other side of the room… In the mirror, I could see the reflection of Poppy and I, the reflection of us. Us together as best friends once again. I couldn’t let this fall apart again. I sighed and looked up. It was hard for me to say anything, I never thought 3 words could make you feel sick.
“I… I, I will take my medication, but.. I wouldn’t do it for me, I’ll do it for you.” Poppy smiled and leant on my shoulder, and just like that, the past was forgotten, just because she smiled that same smile that I fell in love with 13 years ago. But just standing there, holding the greatest person in the world in my arms, made me think, is there more to life than just ups and downs?
“I’m sorry” I said once again
“I’m sorry too…”





That night Poppy slept over. We decided to drown our sorrows in vodka and the original WKD. We laughed for what seemed like hours, but I couldn’t forget that fact that I hadn’t taken my medication just yet
We woke up in the morning.. Both of us with a pounding headache.
I rolled over and looked down at the floor where Poppy always ended up after a sleepover. I sighed happily and smiled, she blinked gently and looked at me.
“Morning” I whispered
“Mm.. Mm” she murmured. I laughed quietly to myself and sat up
“Shit…” I moaned, shouldn’t have gotten up that quickly. I fell back down and closed my eyes.

I woke up again, my brain, head and body feeling a whole lot better. I rubbed my eyes and yawned while stretching my arms out wide. I looked at my right arm.. A long list of red to dark purple scars showed. I thought of the past and sighed. I have to keep thinking  of the future, I thought to myself.
“W-w-wolfy.. Wolfy?” Poppy was still sleeping, I think
“Poppy, what’s up?”
“Oh.. Nothing, I was just making sure you were there.”
“Of course I’m here. How are you feeling?”
“Uh… Groggy, you?”
“Ah.. I’m feeling good” we weren’t looking at each other.. I think Poppy’s eyes were still closed.
I turned to my left and looked around the room. With each turning of my head I opened and closed my eyes slowly. I finally reached the view of my chest of drawers. There is so much shit on top of them! I thought to myself, it was true, my chest of drawers were covered in a load of crap I probably didn’t need.
Suddenly, Poppy stood up, brushed her self down and rubbed her eyes. She slowly made her way towards my chest of drawers, I thought she was just bored so she decided to get up and nose around. Turns out, she had a reason for her actions
“Here. Take these.” she chucked a packet of tablets at me. My tablets, my medication. Her tone of voice was different, I couldn’t tell if she was angry, or just grumpy because of how she felt.
“I go and get you some water?” her tone of voice was a lot more cheerier now.
“Umm… Yes please.” I said looking at her with a slight smile on my face. She left the room and I looked down and the so called helpful drugs. I sighed heavily and peeled back the silver coating that kept the small, round, powdery tablets, protected. I took two out, my daily recommendation, and held them in my hand.
Poppy came up a few moments later and handed me the glass of ice cold water, I nodded and smiled a thank-you and she gave two thumbs up.
I swallowed the pills and swigged back the water.. It felt cold on my teeth and fizzed in my stomach because of the chemical reaction.
“Feel any better?” Poppy asked curiously
I looked around and opened my mouth, but words wouldn’t appear. They wouldn’t slip out.
“Um…” was all I could mutter. Poppy looked impatient and she raised an eyebrow,
“Well?” I coughed suddenly
“Yeah, yes. I’m, I’m fine” I forced a smile on my face, nothing was wrong with me emotionally. Emotionally, I was pretty happy, happier than I was the other day. But physically, I felt like my body was closing down, and I was finding it even harder to breath. This has happened before, but I ignored it. It must be my medication taking over I thought. That’s got to be it
“Wolfy, lets do something, I’m bored.”
“Yeah. Okay. Umm, what do you want to do?”
“Pfft, I don’t know. Go to the park, meet up with the gang, see a movie?”  I shrugged my shoulders and looked at Poppy with a confused look on my face. I didn’t actually care what we did, as long as it was a fun day.
“Meeting up with the gang it is then” she smile sweetly and got up to make a phone call to the “gang”. It wasn’t really a gang as such, just a bunch of our mates who we happened to meet up with a hell of a lot.

Poppy came back into the room about 10 minutes later and sighed happily
“Come on, we got to leave, they’re on the green.” by the green, she means Carsons Green, where we always met up. Fun memories come back to me every time I sit on Carsons Green. It’s such an amazing place.
“Wolfgang.. Wolfy?!”, my day dreams of the old memories were broken by Poppy’s rushing tone. I got up, slipped on a pair of vans and walked down the stairs.
I got to the front door when I heard my mother’s harsh voice call my name. Poppy and I both stopped and sighed in annoyance, we both knew my mum was about to go on one of her speeches about how I never spend time with the family and how I’m always out etc. Right now, I couldn’t care less if she kicked me out.
“William! Where do you think you’re going”
“Out…”
“Out where? I need to know where your going Will, to make sure your safe.”
“Oh for fuck sake! Mum! I’m seventeen, I can fucking look after myself. I don’t need some useless woman who wasn’t there for the first 10 years of my life to look after me. If you looked after me from the start then none of this would’ve happened to me. To you, to this whole fucking family! This isn’t even a family! Its like a fucking spastic piece of shit!” I don’t know where it all came from, but that’s what I said. I don’t know if I meant to, or if it was something the medication had done to me. But by the look on my usually strong mother, what I had said had caused serious damage.
My mother had tears in her eyes, and her face went from red to purple.. She was biting her lip, and clenching her fist… She was trembling with what was either fear or anger, or possibly both.
“William, I know you’re seventeen. If you can look after yourself, go find a place of your own! Go look after yourself, go buy your food, go iron your clothes, go..” she stopped, tears running down her face. I was blank faced and she looked hurt, I didn’t want to be alive at this moment
“Mum… I’m, I’m sorry” I said quietly. She just turned her head and walked back to the kitchen. I sighed and signalled Poppy to open the front door so we could leave


“Wolfgang! Poppy!” screamed Tiger as me and Poppy walked up the path to the main part of the green.
Tiger Lily Cosgrove, Tillie or Tiger as we called her, was a green eyed brunette. She was very bouncy and constantly happy. She of course had her problems, but she never seemed to let them get to her. She was always the first to greet anyone and she was extremely pretty. Most boys fancied her, and some even said she was too good to be true. I guess they were right because she was into guys. She was a lesbian, which for some took some time to get used to.
“Hey Tiger” Poppy and I said in unison.
“Guys! You’re like… Twenty minutes late! What happened?”
“Don’t ask” I replied.. I sighed and walked over to the over guys who where sitting down. I left Tiger and Poppy to talk amongst themselves about my argument with my mum.
“Sup Wolfy?” questioned Sebastian, he handed me a Bacardi, a cigarette and a bright pink lighter. Just what I needed… I thought.
“Mm. Nothing much, just a little stressed out…”
“Girl troubles?” Sebastian said with a small cough from the sourness of the pure Vodka he was drinking
“No. Family troubles. That’s all” I opened the Bacardi and the small cap flipped off with a pop. I gulped a large amount and then lit the cigarette. I sighed and made rings with the smoke.
“Should you be doing that?” a familiar voice spoke from behind me. I looked up at Poppy’s concerned yet unimpressed face. I smiled at her and blew smoke upwards in her direction. She made a slightly disgusted face and waved her hand in the air to waft away the smoke. She sat down next to me and slipped the Bacardi out of my grip.
Poppy drank, but she didn’t smoke. She always said smoking killed and that I shouldn’t do it.. But it’s kind of hard to stop when it’s the only thing that helps you run away from your troubles
“Come on Poppy, relax, have a cigarette, or at least a drink of your own?” Sebastian said to Poppy, Poppy just shook her head and threw grass at Sebastian.
Her and Sebastian have had something special since the first day they met. Back in year 8, they were never extremely close friends, but they have always had this spark between them. I guess you could call it sweet.

We all sat and talked for a good few hours, Sebastian brought his guitar and we all sang to a few songs we all knew and missed. Just like the good times, when everyone was alive, and when no one had problems worth dieing for.
I looked at my watch, it read quarter past ten. I looked up at the night sky and smiled at the tiny twinkling stars when I felt a pair of eyes on me. Tiger Lily. I looked at her and put my head on my shoulder as if it say what
“Nothing, I was just wondering” she replied
“Wondering about what?”
“You. And how come you and Poppy have never well… been together…” I laughed at her thought
“What do you mean? We’re best friends, and besides, I doubt I’m her type and having known for so long, she’s not exactly mine. She should go out with Sebastian, they’d go good together.” Tiger just mumbled to herself. I doubt she spoke a word, just agreed.

I got back home at around quarter past 11. Mum and dad were still up. They were talking. As I walked into the sitting room, they stopped their discussion and stared at me awkwardly, it was obvious that they had been talking about me. But right now, I couldn’t give a shit, I was too tired and too close to losing my temper to even speak to them, so I just dumped my keys on the dinning table and marched up the stairs. Nobody called out for me.

I slept for which seemed like years, but when I looked at my alarm clock, the time read only 20 minutes since the last time I checked. Why can’t I just get to sleep?! I thought to myself, I was tired, close to fainting, but I just couldn’t settle down.
I decided to listen to some calming music, music I would usually cry myself to sleep to when suddenly my bedroom door opened with a small squeaking sound. I sat up slowly and quietly called out to the stranger at the door.
“Come in?”, and with that, in walked a medium height girl, with long dark hair and fragile looking body.
“Joey?” I looked at my sister, someone who I thought was my sister. I called out again
“Joey? Joanna? Is that you?” still no answer. What was she playing at?
I got out of bed, I wasn’t angry, just annoyed. I walked up to her and bent down to her level. Her eyes were closed and she looked different, almost dead.
“Joanna? Joanna, what’s wrong?” she looked up. Her hair was floppy and didn’t have it’s static look to it. Her skin was paler than the holiest of snow and her lips where dark.. They were no longer deep red with liveliness, they where grey and horrid, giving her the look of death.
“Joey? Joey, what’s going on?” I was scared now.. Was she, it.. Even my sister? I stepped back, my heart beating faster. This thing, this girl, opened her eyes and they had no colour to them, no colour at all. They where white. Glowing white. She spoke, this wasn’t Joanna, this wasn’t her voice
“Her time is up” and with that she disappeared.. My breathing picked up and I darted my looks around the room, expecting her to re-appear. Jump out at me. I ran my hands through my hair and prevented myself from crying. What did she mean? I shut my eyes and opened them again. I felt something weird, something wet on my hands.. I outstretched them and they were covered in warm wet redness.. Blood? I was so confused. Why? How? When? What? What is going on?
I looked up at the sky, how did I get out here. My breath in front of me was steaming like a steam train, there was mass upon masses of fog. I got up off my knees and wiped my hands on my trousers. I walked forward clumsily, trembling with every step.
It was quiet, peaceful. So silent. Where am I?
I fell and landed on my hands and knees.. I held my breath and tried to forget about the pain. I stood up quickly and looked down at my feet. There she lay, covered in blood. Her face was a mangled mess and her hair was slightly standing on its end. Her eyes were rolled back and her body was limp and lifeless. She was dead. Her time was really up. No, no this can’t.. It can’t be..
“Yes. It’s Poppy”





I woke up with in a cold sweat. I couldn’t breath probably and my head was aching, tears where streaming from my eyes and falling onto my arms like raindrops.
I sat up and hugged my knees close to my chest. It was just a dream was all I kept repeating to myself, it was only a dream. But why? Why had I dreamt that?


A few days later and the dream continued, it continued to build up and even get worse each nightmare more scarier than the last. There was no explanation, no reasoning for its cause. I just knew I couldn’t tell anyone, not even Poppy, if I did, who knows what could happen?
My phone rang and it made me jump, I picked it up
“Hello?” I said clearing my throat
“Wolfy, hey. Just wondering if you wanted to meet up today, haven’t seen you in a while” It was Poppy, she sounded concerned
“Oh yeah sure. Sorry, I was just.. Just sorting things out you know.. Putting stuff away, helping out same old same old”
“Yeah. Well, where shall we meet?”
“Um. My house? 3:30?”
“Sounds awesome. See you there, love you”
“See you there.” She sounded cheerful, normal. I was pleased, but I was also scared.. Scared of how I would act around her.. What if I was still dreaming? I got up and rummaged through my rucksack. I took out a white plastic bottle with a childproof cap. The label read “Anti-depressants”, these tablets did nothing, but I felt better knowing they were inside me. Then my mind clicked and I picked up another form or medicine. My medication. I took two out and put them on my tongue… I looked at the box and read the ingredients and all the other shit on it… I started shaking, trembling for no reason what so ever. My lungs expanded more and my heart pumped slower. I swallowed hard and slowly pulled out another six tablets of my medication and a dozen more anti-depressants. I swallowed hard and coughed. I started shaking less but I started feeling incredibly cold. I let myself fall onto my pillow and I closed my eyes.

Is My Time Up? 









I woke up and a blinding bright light shone into my heavy eyes. I gasped for breath, like a fish out of water. Where was I? I realised I didn’t have enough energy to move my arms to steady myself up. My blurred vision made quick glances around the strange room. Maybe I was still dreaming?

“William? Will? Can you hear me?” it was a familiar voice, but I couldn’t put a name to it.
“Will, please, show me a sign, say you can hear me” she spoke again. But who was she?
“Will, come on, I know you can hear me.. Please, it’s me. It’s Poppy…”
Poppy? Poppy… POPPY! I turned my head and tried to pour at the description of how scared I was. I wanted to ask where I was and how I got here. But the words just wouldn’t come. My jaw was numb and my tongue just didn’t seem to exist anymore.
“Will, you’re in hospital…” Hospital? Why? This has to be a dream, right?
“Will… you’re, you’re here because you tried to commit suicide by taking an over dose… Do you remember any of this?” What?! I tried to commit suicide?! When? What? I just so badly wanted to answer her, but I couldn’t, I became a mute.
“Why? Why? Why?” This wasn’t Poppy’s voice, this voice was more distant, I could just about make out what this person said. I looked over in the direction that the person sat. It was my mother.
“Why Will?! Why?! What’s wrong with you?! Why did you do this? Is it because of me?” She was screaming at me, why? I hadn’t done anything wrong, not anything wrong purposely anyway. I wanted to say it wasn’t her fault but all I could do was lie there, blank faced and shaken.
“SPEAK TO ME! I KNOW YOU CAN HEAR YOU BASTARD! JUST PLEASE ANSWER ME!” The once heroic, head strong, independent mother, broke down into water falls of tears. Each tear heavier and more visible from the last. I turned my head and looked up at the ceiling. I wasn’t shocked, just a little confused, I thought back to yesterday. Nothing. Two days ago? Nothing. Then it hit me, a week ago, I remember, I had taken my medication, then a few anti-depressants.
I realised then, at that moment, I had almost caused myself an accidental suicide. What the fuck was I thinking? I screamed on the inside but no sound came from out of me. I was frustrated, so frustrated. I could’ve came so close to dying, so close to throwing it all away. So close to losing everything. Why?!
“Will, it’s okay. You’re going to be okay” her voice was as soothing as ever. Her steady breathing calmed my bursting heart. Her pure angelic eyes hypnotized mine with all their greatness and my heart grew warm. She took my hand in her two and stared into my eyes lovingly.
I love her, I thought. I love Poppy.









I woke, again, after what seemed a refreshing sleep, but it really was a horrible surgical experience, that I don’t ever want to go through again. I lay still in my comfy yet not quiet welcoming hospital bed and sighed deeply. My nurse came over, her name was Lottie and she seemed quite young. She was very friendly and she listened to me.. Which I loved most about her. But, I wasn’t in love with her, and when I told her about my love for Poppy, she simply smiled and told me that if I look at the stars at night, and they’re shining for me, I should make quick decisions, these decisions may not always be the right ones, but I will always learn a valuable lesson about life, and most of all, about myself from them.
Lottie looked after me in the ward, and she was the one that announced I could go home. I was bouncing with delight in my heart, but in my head, I knew I would get back to a war called home, once again.

“Sit down. We need to talk.” my father’s words where strong but delicate, harsh but inviting. I knew he meant no harm, my father was far too kind to even shout, but I thought this would be an occasion where he would scream and shout at me. I braced myself for it. I sat down as commanded at the head of the table, while my Dad sat 3 seats to my left. My mother was sitting rubbing her knees on the stairs. She did this when she was nervous. Then I noticed her fiddling with her “Mummy” necklace that I got her when I was 8, she did this when she was worried about me, or upset with my actions. I’m so sorry mum.
“William, What. Why. I thought..”
“It was an accident” I think they were the first words I was able to blurt out to my parents the whole time I was in hospital.
“AN ACCIDENT?!” my mother screamed so loudly and so unexpectedly I nearly jumped out of my skin… I turned to her and looked her in the eye, I nodded my head slowly and said
“Yes, it was an accident. And I’m sorry that I’ve hurt you two, but I never meant to, seriously. It’s just. I was just trying to”
“Trying to what? Trying to take yourself away? Hurt yourself? KILL yourself?” My father bowed his head in what could’ve been called shame, I guess he was ashamed of my mother’s reaction.
“Will, we just need to know why you did this to yourself? Your mother, she’s upset, heart broken. She doesn’t want to lose one of her beloved children to something so silly as an accidental suicide” finally, at least he understood me. I nodded, I often nod when I don’t know what to say…
“Well?” said my mother impatiently, thrusting her fingers out of her mouth to blurt out the word “Well?”
“Well? Well… You’re my parents, I know you know I’ve attempted suicide several times. I did this because, I was angry, I felt alone even though I wasn’t, I always made the right choices too late, making the wrong choices. So welcome to my world. Where everyone I love ends up leaving me, or I lose them by my own actions. This is why I do this to myself. But this time, this was an accident. I seriously, honestly, I don’t know what came over me. I don’t want to die, I just patched things up with Poppy and for once I feel like I’m worth something, to at least someone.” I held my hands together and breathed slowly and deeply.
“Of course you mean something. You’re my son, and you always will be. You may be a pain, but I love you, so bloody much.” I closed my eyes and let myself feel close to my family for the first time in 9 years.
I woke up, this time in my own bed. There were cards sitting proudly on my bedside table. “Get Well Soon” and a few hand made ones from younger relatives and of course Poppy. My room looked tidy, too tidy. The curtains were drawn back and everything was upright or in it’s original place it had been in before it fell down or I moved it. I looked around my ‘new’ room and watched as dust particles waltzed in the sunlight in pairs or big groups. I smiled at this and swivelled my body round so I was sitting up.
“Morning Wolfgang” I looked up and there was Poppy smiling sweetly, my heart raced automatically, I never knew someone could make me feel like this.
“I brought you some stuff, like CDS, gossip, DVDS and our ultimate favourite… Chocolate!” she screwed up her face the way she did when she made a joke, its was a nice face, a cute face. I smiled and sighed happily.. I put my head on her shoulder and breathed in deeply her unique smell.
“Thanks Poppy” as I said these words she looked down at me and smiled back.
“Are you feeling okay? I mean, do you need anything?” I nodded my head for being okay, and shook my head for needing anything, I had everything I needed. Life. Health, nearly. And Poppy.
“Okay. I think we should watch a film, we can’t sit like this all day” she chuckled a little and I thought about how wrong she was. I could’ve sat there for days, weeks, years, just knowing I’d be with her. She stuck a DVD into the DVD player, a menu came up, it was a horror film, quite weird seeing as it was broad daylight. But neither the less, she drew in the curtains, switched of anything that was lit, and the room almost went pitch black. She made a satisfied sigh and pressed play. The film began to unravel.

[To Be Continued]