the edge

At what point giving up becomes ok becomes the answer should life be this hard, everybody around me gets to see the happy part the proper part but what happens when i reach my breaking point should i run, cuz i'm so tired of fighting back i wish i could fall into pieces so small that no one could me able to pick them up to pick me up, i've been feeling like im walking on this edge and it sometimes get's wider and i finally feel good, happy and even safe, but this wide edge dosen't lasts as long as the small thin edge the one i've been on for a very long long time now it almost like if im just waiting for the moment when everything just finally craks open when there's nothing else left for me to hold on cuz really i feel tired i feel small i feel like a waste of time for everyone to spend there life with. When are we allowed to stop caring when do we get fired of life when do we get to give up with any  lecture, and i'm i there yet... it funny how many times i've think about my funeral if i die today would someone notice would someone other than my family cry, would i break someone heart by leaving.... i don't think it's normal for one to think so much about their own death is there someting seriously wrong with me. do i even deserve to be happy, do i even deserver to have a change do i even deserve my life....  and i know it's sounds like im about to do something crazy and stupid but i'm not it's just that this is the only way i found to be free without having to deal with everything else just saying as i want to...