Written for the Spamslinger's contest, Not for the faint of heart! |
Twas The Night Before Twas the night before Christmas, I lay on the couch, Gobbling up Cheetos and drinks by the pouch The stockings were jutting from nails in the wall I heard my spouse snoring from way down the hall When upon my front door I heard a loud knock I peered through my window and got quite a shock. There was Saint Nick, at my door with a grin, And a small string of drool glistened there on his chin. I knew who it was, but I said “Who is it?” He cried “It’s Santa Clause you damn idiot!” So I let him in without even a thought I wanted to see what the fat man had brought. He grinned a wide grin and said “Close your eyes, And I will give you a wondrous surprise!” I did as I was told then I squeezed them tight And held out my hand with a thrill of delight. I first heard a grunt. And then came a “zip” And he placed in my hand something warm and adrip. It was firm, it was meaty, and it gave quite a stench. The liquid dripped down till my hand was adrench. I wrinkled my nose, and gave quite a frown, But Santa, he said, “Please don’t put it down!” So I held on tight, and my fingers dug in, I heard Santa moaning, now and again. He breathlessly whispered “Put it in your mouth” I held my breath as my stomach went south. With trembling fingers I raised the large mass, And into my mouth like a small baby bass , At first I was gagging, but then Oh the taste! The smile that I smiled nearly split up my face! It was salty, and greasy, and chewy at once, I thought not to like it I must be a dunce. So I took a big bite, and I swallowed it down, Then I heard Santa making a horrible sound. I opened my eyes, and there he stood weeping, Holding his mass that was bitten and seeping. I said “Why all the waterworks, jolly fat dude? I did what you told me, as best as I could, I took your meaty mass, deep into my throat, And I ate it, though frankly, it smelled like a goat. “It’s not that you bit it” he said as he wept “But this treasure I hold here, I’ve forever kept” I pondered his musings, then Santa yelled “DAMN!” “I wish you’d not eaten my last bit of SPAM!” I |