A Funny Thing Happened....

A funny thing happened.....on the way to the job interview

(A true story)



I was so excited. I couldn't remember the last time I was so excited before going to bed. In recent months, I had come home from work looking for a certain type of stimulant to make my life more exciting. But it was always the same, I would come at 9:00 at night hoping to see something different or something new would be in front of me. But most of my nights would end with me watching tv, playing playstation, or surfing the Internet, with dinner thrown in the middle of all of that.



I hated going to sleep, knowing that the next day would be no different. I would see the same people, have the same phone calls at work, and repeat my ritual thereafter. I have always seen my mind and body as a vessel to do something big, and maybe I would never be on the front cover of TIME magazine or even in the local newspaper, but still yearned to make some certain impact in this crazy world of ours. I felt as though the town of Bloomington-Normal had taken control of my life, and I was settling for life as it was. That this was my ceiling, and I would have to wait a couple more years before I could venture out in my next quest.



On new years day I decided that was not good enough. I decided that I had to move back to the Chicagoland area, at least for a short time, to reclaim my wonder and curiosity for life. I applied for jobs on monster.com and careerbuilder.com like mad, staying up until four o'clock in the morning brimming with a new found enthusiasm. Looking forward to the day where the opportunities were endless. I refused to live in an area where I felt as though I was just coasting, where the opportunity for self improvement did not exist. This is where the story begins, on Friday, January 18th. I awoke at 5:45 in the morning, and was not tired. It was the first time that I could remember waking up so early and not being groggy, or not hitting the snooze button seven or eight times before forcing myself out of my bed. The sun was rising up over the morning clouds, which sat in the sky like a great mountain landscape--So far, so good.



It was cold on this morning, and before I went off to Chicago for my second job interview for American Honda Financial, I had to take the car to the shop. I drive a 93 Camry, a car that had seen better days and reaching two hundred thousand miles. It required a stop by the mechanic a little more frequently in recent months, and this morning it needs a little tweak in the radiator. Nothing serious, which had been the trend for the Camry, irritating repairs that made the wallet thinner but always left the old car in great shape. No surprises on this morning at Tuffy auto services, the repairs were done, and they even threw in a twenty-five dollar discount. What a great morning! After dropping my roommate off at class I remembered that the trek to my job interview required a short drive on I-88, a tollway.



At first I thought it was only a few miles and I would not even hit a toll, but was not sure. Then I figured if I did hit a toll I would just drive through I-pass and pay the missed toll online later (it was getting easier and easier to miss your toll payment nowadays). But I decided to play it safe, I quickly stopped by my bank, pulled out a mere three dollars, and was on my way. I felt good, I was a little irritated at how the mechanics had fiddled with the radio station and was listening to oldies, not what I was in the mood for.



"I will change it once on I-55," I told myself.



Now, I have mentioned that it was cold on this morning, very cold. Yet, the roads were clear.There may have been small patches of snow from the flurries the evening before, but nothing hazardous. As I drove down fell I approached a sharp curve in the road, which just happened to be covered with the most amount of snow I had seen all that morning. Better slow down to twenty. I was about three quarters of the way through my turn, when I felt the car start to skid, the momentum of my turn and me going sideways towards a light post. I attempted to turn into the skid, and the car flipped around so that I had it directed right at the curb. I tapped on the breaks, but part of me knew it was probably too late.



The momentum of the car picked up once it the ice, and the curve was too narrow for even a person who had the quickest reflexes. Once I realized my fate, I heard myself say, "no, no, no" as if I could coax the car to suddenly stop, that I could use part of 90% of my subconcious brain that experts say we don't use and will the car to stop.



"Nooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!" That's what I heard but I just don't remember saying.



I felt the card propel itself up and over the curb with an impact that must've been about ten times harder than hitting a bad pothole in the road, and found myself half in someone's driveway and the other half on their front lawn. On the radio the Elton John's "rocket man" was playing, "I think It's gonna be a long, long time." Mocking my exit from bloomington-normal, as if to say, "not so fast, bud." I put my car in reverse, and did not so much as roll off the curb as it did slide. "Ok, ok,ok........ooooook." I said as I rocked back in my forth in my seat like Rainmain.



Everything was going to be ok, I came out of it unscathed. As I put the car in drive and attempted to continue my trek onward, I quickly realized I was not moving. I put more pressure on the accelerator, nothing. Only tires screaming against the ice beneath me. It was now obvious to me that the car had slanted greatly to the passenger side. Oh God no!!



I opened the door, refusing to take a breath. Was it the axel? Did I ruin both of them? Were the rims bent? As I arrived at the passenger side I noticed that both tires on that car side had no breath in them, no air, completely flat.



No!! This can't be!!



"AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHH" I moaned.



I dove back into the driver side of the car, my mind racing, panicking in trying to figure out what to do next. The first option was to call my roommate Andre. At first I sent him a couple of text messages, he wanted to know what the issue was first because he did not want to leave class, but I knew there was no possible way to describe this over text messages. "I NEED U TO CALL ME NOW!!!", I typed in big block letters, which we all know is equivalent to screaming.



A couple of seconds later he did make that call, "Andre?" I said, bordering on tears and sweltering with anger and desperation. "I...Car...smashed.....arroughaaadf curb arluaouerdnb!!""What?!?!" He asked, dumbfounded and probably thinking I was having a nervous breakdown. "The car slid on ice and I have blown out the passenger side tires." This statement was as plain as day. "wwwwwhhhhaaaAAAAATTT?!??!", Was the response on the other end.



Why do people do that? You know what I said.



I explained again the situation, he was at a loss for words, and stated that he would try and figure something out and would call me in a few moments. I sat in the car for what seemed like hours but was only minutes, my mind racing, trying to figure my next step. It was clear that I was not thinking....well....clearly. My first thought was that I needed to get the car to the curb, and go from there. I attempted to push the car, but since I was wearing dress shoes the ice would not allow me to get any decent type of footing. The car didn't budge.



If I was going to do this, it would have to be with the help of someone else. As I looked around the block, I was overcome by silence, only the sound of wind whispering in my ear, and icing over the several arm hairs that were exposed. I saw a nearby car in the driveway right next to where I had the accident. I rang the bell, straining to hear footsteps coming to my rescue. Nothing. I decided to try a couple doors down, I had just seen a car drive into that driveway maybe ten minutes after the crash. At least they can tell me who could help if they could not help themselves. Again I rang the doorbell, I didn't hear the bell ring from inside the house so I tried knocking.



Still nothing.



I had noticed that there was a bumper sticker like note on the door when I was walking up to the house but I had neglected to read it: "



Warning: Oxygen in use! Please refrain from using matches or anything other object that could cause a spark as oxygen materials could be flammable and could cause an explosion!"



Wonderful! I thought, as I flicked my lighter to ignite my cigarette.



Still in one piece.



I left the step of the oxygen machine home and worked my way across the street.



"You probably look like a Jehovah's witness, Mike." I thought to myself.



Why not?



I was wearing a suit jacket with a collared shit underneath and an orange sweater over that. Or maybe the people thought it was worse, maybe they thought I was a local politician. Quick! Hide the children!! Who could blame them for having that response?



"Hi, my name is Mike Littwin and I represent your district. I just wanted to talk to you about my opponent. He claims that he is in touch with the values of the people in this area but he is not telling you about his darkest secret. What's that, you ask? Well, he has three nipples. How can he be in touch with us two nipple voters if he had three of them. Would it not destroy family values if you take your grand kids to the pool and my opponent were to take off his shirt, revealing all? Children would not be able to eat for a week!!"



Seconds after ringing the next doorbell, I heard soft footsteps approaching the door. Hope, finally. A woman about my mom's age standing no more than five feet and weighing ninety pounds soaking wet opened the door just wide enough so she could fit only her small head between the door frame and the door itself. Her smiled revealed that she was missing some teeth, not uncommon in central Illinois. "Yes?", she asked timidly. Immediately regretting that she ever came to the door. I explained my story to her, putting a soft touch on it as to play for some sympathy.



"Oh," she uttered lacking any type of trust, "It's only me, you are actually surrounded by a lot of elderly folk." I suddenly realized as I tried telling my story again, hoping that maybe she had a nearby friend that she could call. As I was talking I realized that the women had moved to hide her face and body behind the door, and was practically shouting from behind the door when she responded to me.



What was it about people in this town??



"Well," she said quickly, as if she had her first brilliant idea in fifteen years. "There are two gentlemen that live next door to me, they might be able to help you.""thank--", That's all I got out before the door slammed shut and quickly thereafter heard her, in almost a frantic way, lock the door. I shook my head as I walked next door. I was running out of ideas, my mind was still swimming, but the thoughts took my mind off the cold, I was moderately frost bit but would not realize this until later. I approached the next house with high hopes, I knocked on the door followed by ringing the doorbell.



No footsteps.



My heart began to sink, and I had to pee. I had a large cup of coffee while waiting for the car to be fixed and my plan was to stop at the rest area about thirty miles out of bloomington, things were going from bad to worse. As I was set to leave the step of the house I peared into a wide open window, not covered by shades or blinds, and saw a man about fifty and weighing in at around two hundred fifty pounds playing around on his computer. Surely he heard my knocking!! I tried again, while looking through the window, certain that he would move towards the door. But he continued to ignore me.



Maybe he can't hear you.



Just then, my attention was directed to the computer. He flipped through several screens, I was trying to figure out what could be more important then answering a knock at the door. My answer came when a Pamela Anderson lookalike popped up on the screen. Completely nude, and performing a sex act.



I chuckled.



"Well, he can probably lend a helping hand, but not quite the one I am looking for."





I thought about being a total ass and knocking on the window, but the idea of porn boy jumping up startled and turning so I can see the front of him was not a very appealing image. I walked away from the house with a feeling of hopelessness and helplessness. The day had started off so well, and was supposed to continue that way. I was going to knock them dead at the interview, and prepare for my move north. As I walked back to my car thinking about the fact that I was either going to die from the cold or a bladder explosion. It was then a police car nearly ran me over as I emerged from behind a pine tree.



"God bless that paranoid little woman!! She must've seen me walking around aimlessly and called the police!!"



It was not a moment too soon. I explained the story in detail to the officer, and we did try to drive, and push the car to the curb, but there was no luck. The only thing left was to call a tow truck and take it to a repair shop to get the tires fixed. All the while my phone had been buzzing from text messages from Andre:



"See if there is a warranty on the tires....What's going on....Did you call police?....Is anyone there to help you?.....Are both tires flat?.....Can U drive car?"



I finally called him back and explained that the officer had called in a tow truck, he mentioned that his friend was going to give him a ride over to the scene. Everything was getting to being under control. I had told the officer that I need to use a restroom, and quickly.



"Well, I can't leave the car because someone might smash into it, so I can call another car to wait or we will have to wait until your friend gets here."



"Look, I have been out here wandering around like a homeless person scaring the crap out of a woman for god knows what reason, watched as a big ol' fat guy get happy over some porn, and I am frost bitten like I have never been before. I am supposed to be in Chicago right now but because this happened I am stuck here and I am not sure if I can reschedule TAKE ME TO THE BATHROOM, NOW!!"....was what I thought.



"Ok, sure." is what I said.



Not more than five minutes later did the other police car show up, and the first officer was free to take me to the nearest gas station. Andre called again, he had driven down Fell Avenue but was still confused as to where I was.



"Where ARE you?!?!" I calmly explained to him that I on Fell at the point where the road curves en route to Rabb Road, which should not have been hard for him to find since he was coming from Lincoln College which was off Rabb Road. "What!?!? Nooooooo....nooooo I don't know where that is!!!!" He bellowed, in a way that only those who know Andre can understand.



How funny must it have been when the police car pulled up to the gas station and I jumped out of the back. No handcuffs. As I ran into the gas station looking for the bathroom and phone stuck to my ear, the customers braced themselves. An elderly woman moved to the back of the store, the cashier quickly stuffed the money into the register and slammed it shut. A man sporting a large beer gut wearing glasses from the 1980s and gray stringy hair that stuck out from underneath his baseball cap that had simply an American flag on it picked up something gun related. He wanted to show me that even though he may not have had his gun on him, he had one, don't mess with him.



As I relieved myself, Andre had understood where I was and actually had located the car while he was with me on the phone. Everything was going back to normal. I ran back to the police car, the people in the gas station still dumbfounded as they watched me let myself back into the car as if it were nothing unusual.



"We just got an accident report from the exact same location." The cop stated as we drove back to my car. Good, I thought. Now the cop will understand that this area is very dangerous, that there was not much I could do to avoid losing control. It happened to someone else so any thoughts he had about giving me a ticket for driving to fast for conditions went out the window, it he had been thinking...



"Yep," the cop interrupted my thoughts as something blared over his police radio, "Your buddy crashed into the side of your car."



Unbelievable. As I returned to the scene of the accident there were two more police cars sitting there, for a total of four. As I stepped out of the car I thought about screaming, "Yea, and I am pretty sure he was watching CHILD PORNOGRAPHY TOO!!"



I chuckled again. That would've given our porn boy quite a start. That would've shown him for refusing to help a person in need. I mean he had to be nervous to be watching porn with a wide open window clear enough for the whole neighborhood to see, but I thought better of it, I wanted to keep things civil.



I inspected the damage, a nice sized dent had been planted in the driver side of my door, nothing awful, but certainly quite noticeable. Andre's friend had apparently approached the scene claiming that she was going no faster than ten miles per hour. She lost control once she hit the ice. Her van fish tailed and the bumper is what smacked into the driver side door of the Camry. The cops gave Andre's friend an earful.



"OBVIOUSLY YOU SAW THAT THERE WAS A CAR THERE YOU WERE DRIVING TOO FAST FOR CONDITIONS I DON'T CARE HOW ICY IT WAS!!!..."



The accident report for the second accident was filled out, and thankfully I did not have to fill one out for mine because that was less than five hundred dollars of damage. In the end, the car was taking to a local Wal-mart new tires were put on the car, and it is drive able again. I was able to reschedule the interview for that upcoming Monday.



I want to close on one last moment from that day. As I was driving to drop Andre off at work before going back to the apartment, he asked, "Why were you crying?" I paused for a moment. I thought about the fact that I was optimistic about my interview. But I also though that I would be stuck in this town longer. I suddenly understood how George Bailey from It's A Wonderful Life felt when his brother Harry came back from college with a new wife and job. It meant George would be stuck in Bedford Falls for the rest of his life. He flipped through the brochures of all the places he had planned to travel to in Europe, and his head jerks up as he hears a whistle and hear the train leaving town, carrying his wildest dreams with it.



Maybe that's a little too dramatic, and I responded to Andre, "I was more frustrated I guess." That's where I left it.



And that's where I'll keep it.