Shattered

Beth looked up at the kitchen clock. "Its 8:00 kids snap it up. The bus will be here any minute."

"Where’s my book bag?" Kyle yelled from the family room. At 14, Kyle was already 5’11 and the image of his father. He was her eldest, a mass of raging hormones and energy.

"Where you left it, in the Den." Beth said.

Of all her children, Kyle was the one having the most difficulty coping with the three-year separation between his parents and the kid’s started to spend time with their father separately. She knew they all missed him and she spent many sleepless nights worrying about it. Despite everything, John was a good father and still is. Over the years, she learned to hide her hurt and anguish from her children, at least, most of the time.

Beth remembered when Kyle crept out of his room and found her crying as she sat curled up in an easy chair unable to concentrate on the television program. He asked her what was wrong. Beth quickly said she was watching a tearjerker on TV. This was the first time any of her kids saw her cry.

"Why are you still mad at Daddy?” Kyle asked.

She felt a surge of anger at being the one to explain everything to the kids, but John blamed her for the break-up because she was the one who decided to leave the marriage after 15 years, not him. She explained that she wasn’t angry with anybody and that sometimes people cry for no reason.

She thought she should tell him that it was possible that things will never be like they were. They just moved in to a great rented house in a nice quiet country town and she started to think in terms of herself and her children, without the marriage.

"Honey, I’m...,” Beth started to say, but Kyle interrupted her.

"Dad say’s that you’re just being stubborn, that you’re just trying to teach him a lesson."  He say’s that’s why you keep pulling him into court because you don’t want him to be with us." Kyle continued.

Beth sensed that she would not be able to talk to him about anything in this state.

"Kyle, it’s late and it’s been a long day with the move,” Beth said. “I know everything is upside down right now, but we all need a good nights sleep. We’ll talk about it tomorrow."
She didn’t miss the flash of anger crossing his face as he ran to his room.

"I don’t need this." She thought as she burst into a new set of tears.

The school bus soundedthe horn bringing Beth out of her reverie. Kyle, Jason and Molly the 11 year- old twins, and Matthew the 8- year old, were all scrambling towards the school bus. Beth was amazed they can move so fast to get to the bus but move at a snail’s pace preparing for it!

She looked at the clock and decided that she had time for a cup of coffee. Nathan, the youngest at five, was dressed and watching cartoons in the Den. She would drop him off at day care on her way to work. She sat down at the kitchen table and took a deep breath.

A lot of changes have taken place as she sat remembering the past three years. A lot of difficult changes have taken place since she decided to separate from her husband John, a police officer in New York City, 60 miles away. They had grown up together and were high school sweethearts. She couldn’t remember a time that she didn’t think about being John’s wife.

After high school, John entered the Police Academy. Beth took a job as a medical secretary for a local clinic. They planned on a wedding after he completed his training.

Both decided to have lots of kids. They were very happy at first. When Kyle and the twins had been born, John couldn’t have been happier. They were a family. Beth made the decision to stay home. Perhaps she will get a part time job when they were a little older.

Beth began to notice a change in John after fifth wedding anniversary. He was often upset and anxious when he came home, especially after he worked the midnight shift.

Beth thought that was part of the job of a police officer. They deal with people that most people never need to deal with in their lives. Pulling over a car for a traffic violation could get a cop killed. At least, that was what the Police family liaison had told her and she thought it was valid.

It relieved her somewhat as she thought it had something to do with her, but it angered John. John felt that the issues between them should stay within the family. It shouldn’t take an outsider to know their dirty linen. Beth remembered he was angry at her because she talked with the counselor. 

John would fly into a rage over minor issues and never seemed to pay much attention to her, except in anger and would get angry with her when she tried to talk to him.  Beth couldn’t understand what was happening. This was completely unlike John.
Then, John began sleeping with his gun under his pillow and it made Beth very uncomfortable. She tried to talk to him about it, but John would say that he is a husband, father and a police officer; it was his job to protect his family.

The first two years of the separation, Beth lived with her parents, who helped her with the children and finances while working towards a nursing degree. She had concentrated on her husband’s career and caring for her children for so long, a career didn’t cross her mind, until the separation. Beth knew she would need to make more money to provide for her children and she wouldn’t be able to do so if she continued working in the clerical field.

Her parents had been urging her to leave for years before she finally began to think about a life without John. It just didn’t seem right to her. She valued marriage and saw what divorce did to children who often found themselves in the middle. This decision was a long time coming and involved a lot of wavering back and forth.

John could be very sweet during that time, often bringing flowers or gifts, but she felt it wouldn’t last. She also suffered from the guilt and worried about how her children would deal with the separation. But, she made that decision and it felt like a ton of bricks were removed from her shoulders. Then, Michael came into her life.
"There were a few good times, times when my heart would ache with the love I felt for him," she said into her half-finished coffee.

There were often bad times as well, especially when John’s anger would be unleashed on her. John was always very careful when the kid’s were near. If yelling, he would lower his voice and be very sweet, until the kids were out of sight and ear shot. He would hit her where any marks would be covered with clothing and never in the face. He would use his service weapon to scare her, putting it up against his head or hers. Beth felt a shiver down her spine and anxiety rising in the pit of her stomach.

Beth made a decision. Tonight she would see John and tell him she wants to end this and go on with her life. She knows that she will be up against his anger and hurt. John insisted that he had changed and wanted his wife and family back.

Suddenly, the phone rang. Beth jumped, spilling what was left in her coffee cup. She took a quick look at the clock. 8:30!

"Hello." She said picking up the phone.

"Hi, kids get off O.K.?" Michael said.

"Yes, slowly as usual. I’ll have to hustle to get to work on time. What’s up?"

"I thought I’d take you and the kids out to dinner tonight, you could use a break." Michael said.

"I think I want to talk with John tonight,” she said. “You were right; I need to get on with it so I’ve decided to tell him that I will be filing for divorce." 

"I know you said you wanted time, but I hope you do know how I feel about you and the kids." Michael said. "Are you sure you want to do this by yourself?"

"You’re not pushing me into anything Michael,” she said. “You just helped me make my mind up. This would have happened sooner or later and I’d rather it be sooner while I’m still young and strong enough to handle it."

"I’m not sure you should be doing this alone Beth." Michael said with concern.

She thought a minute then said, "I think I can handle it. You know how he is if he sees you around and he won’t be in a mood to talk if someone else is here."

"Well, I’ll be right next door if you need me," Michael said. "I’ll take you guys out tomorrow, how’s that?"

"Sure, and thanks. I don’t know what I would have done without you and you should know how I feel about you too. It’s been so long since I was able to trust anyone again and you’ve been great with the kids."

"Except for Kyle but ditto to you and I’ll see you tomorrow night." Michael said.

"He’ll come around,” Beth said. “John has been filling his head telling him that it’s your fault that we never got back together and stuff like that. I’ve tried to talk with him, but it’s going to take awhile. I’ll talk to him and I’ve been looking into counseling. He’s angry at me right now and counseling will help. He’s still very young and idolizes his father."

"I know and I’ll try a little harder to be patient with him. Just make sure you let me know if you have any trouble with John tonight," Michael said.

"I will most certainly let you know Mike, you know that." Beth said as she rang off.

Beth walked towards the den and yelled, "Turn off the television Nate, It’s time to go."
She stayed to listen and heard him turn the TV. off. She returned to the kitchen to retrieve her car keys lying on the counter.

"Are we gonna go with Daddy tomorrow?" Nate asked.

Beth thought for a moment, and then said. "No, that will be next weekend. Daddy has to work this weekend. Maybe we will do something with Michael. He’s teaching you how to fish isn’t he?"

"Yea." Nate said. "But he keeps making me put ‘me back in the water."

Beth laughed and said, “But, they are probably too tiny to keep and eat." She explained.

"But, I wanna put it on my wall." He said.

Beth remembered the giant swordfish Mike caught on a deep sea-fishing trip he went on last summer, before they met and had it mounted.

"Maybe one day Mike will take you deep sea fishing and let you catch your own big fish. Then you can put it on your wall." Beth said.

"Yea, goodie." Nate answered as they went out the door.

Beth dropped Nate at the day care center and started for work. She glanced at her watch. It was creeping towards 9 o’clock but she’ll make it on time she thought. Besides, the Head Nurse has children too and is sympathetic if she is late. She hated to miss the nursing staff meetings in the morning that updated information about patients from the day and night before.

Beth started thinking about the evening ahead of her. "It’s not going to be pleasant," she whispered to herself. Mike would just make things worse though. He understood what she had gone through and even witnessed a yelling match between her and John.

It was obvious that John felt threatened and jealous. She had not intended to get involved in another relationship. She always thought that would be difficult with five kids anyway so she just pushed the idea out of her mind.


Beth met Mike in her backyard as he lives next door with his dog, a cross between a German Shepherd and Black Lab named Jasper. He too had recently gone through a bitter divorce.

She had been out in her back yard planting flowers around the fence. Mike struck up a conversation and soon they became friends. He was very much into nature and loved to camp out in the woods on weekends and fish.

Beth found out that he was a carpenter.  Wood working and fly fishing were his two main hobbies. Mike attempted to teach Kyle how to fly fish but Kyle didn’t seem to be too interested. Matthew was and Molly and Jason were fascinated and he often took them fishing with Nate tagging along. It usually turned out to be a day in the woods complete with a picnic lunch. Beth felt that Mike was a lifesaver. He handled kids with ease.

Mike had a son, whom he had not seen in years as his mom lived a thousand miles away and had custody. He did talk often on the phone with his son and he come for visits. Beth knew he missed him and  wished he had gotten to see him as he was growing up.

Once, Mike was in the house with her and the kids watching videos. John stopped over unexpectedly. Beth had answered the door and John was standing there. She asked him what he wanted. He said he just wanted to talk about the latest in the visitation agreements. He walked into the house and heard laughter coming from the den. One of them was an adult male.

"Who’s here?" He asked.

"My next door neighbor," she replied.

John walked over to the door of the den and saw Mike and just smiled. He turned to Beth, grabbed her arm and pulled her toward the kitchen.

"So that’s it" John said. "You found someone else. Fine, just make sure he stays away from my kids."

"They’re my kid’s too and you don’t tell me what I can and can not do." She said.

"We’ll see about that. Keep him away from my kids." He said as he bolted out the door.
Again Beth felt a shiver and visibly started to shake.

"Good grief, I think I’m more worried about tonight than I thought," Beth thought to herself as the clinic came into view. She hardly noticed the drive there. She pulled in, parked and put her nursing cap on using the rear view mirror.
"Ready to face the day," she mumbled as she walked into the clinic.

Kyle was having trouble concentrating on his Math book in school. He was worried about his parents. His father told him to be careful with Mike because his mom may try to take off with him and his brothers and sister. This had prayed on his mind. He liked his school and had made a lot of friends. He didn’t want to move anywhere. Last year, moving into the house was enough.

Kyle was very watchful and didn’t see any signs of moving. There was a time three weeks ago though, when he saw his mom packing his and his siblings clothes into their suitcase and she was packing too. It ended up being a camping trip upstate with Mike. He didn’t really have much of a good time. Mike tried to teach him to fly fish but he couldn’t get too friendly with him. He was nice enough, but he couldn’t tell what he and his mom are planning in the future. Besides, Dad didn’t like him and that was good enough for him.

John was in court waiting to testify on a case he was working on. His mind was on his wife. When Beth called him to come over tonight because she needed to talk with him about a few things, his anxiety level went into overdrive. They had never really talked about divorce. Beth said she needed time to think. "It’s been three years, how long does it take?" he whispered to himself.

John knew in his heart that she wanted to talk about a divorce. Beth had gone on without him, getting a nursing degree, renting the house and seemed to be doing very well on her own. This bothered him. He always felt that women should be protected that they shouldn’t need to work. Kids need so much watching these days, probably always did. In today’s world where kids are killing kids, getting into trouble and both parents concerned with careers, the kids are being neglected. That’s why someone needs to be home when you have kids.

He did the best he could, but seeing them every other weekend is rough. They are his kids and he needs permission from his wife to see them plus being on a time limit. He tried to go through the courts but to no avail. They are predisposed to the mother anyway; he had seen it all too often.

He always thought that was what Beth wanted. She blamed his job for his behavior. Yes, he was anxious and stressed, but that does come with the territory and she should understand that. He thought about the last time his rage erupted to the surface, when Beth asked for the separation. It had taken him totally by surprise. She said that this would be the last time he hit her then called her parents and took off with the kids. It’s been three years and she still refuses to come back. No amount of apologies or flowers helped. Mike being in the picture now will not help the situation either.

"He is trying to alienate my kids against me," he thought as he worried that their relationship might escalate. That angered him. After all this time, there had never been anyone else in the picture that mattered, either on his side or hers. This was different. Mike lives next door and is always there from what he has heard.

Mike was hammering yet another board into the main frame of the house. He enjoyed doing this.  He volunteered for Habitat for Humanity whenever he could and was working on one of their local projects. His job was slow this week and he was able to spend this Friday working for a charity. He knew his boss wouldn’t mind. He was the boss.

Mike’s mind was on Beth though. She was going to talk to John about a divorce. They had discussed this among themselves. He told her it was up to her and he would help anyway he can. Of course he felt he had a vested interest in her divorce. For the last month he was seriously thinking about a permanent situation with her. He loved the kids, even though he was having trouble convincing Kyle to trust him, the others seemed to enjoy his company.

"I just don’t trust him; he’s going to hurt her. I just don’t know what I can do about it without intruding or getting her into more trouble," he said to himself as he slammed the hammer into the nail.

Mike decided to sit out in the back yard tonight. If anything happens he should be able to hear it and stop it before it gets too bad. He has seen him in action and heard him before I even knew who she was. Yes, he will be near tonight, just in case.

He remembered the first time he met her. Beth was planting flowers along the fence that divides their property. He chuckled to himself when he leaned over the fence and said hello and she jumped back almost falling. He apologized profusely and introduced himself. Since then they often met out in the back yard. Soon he got up enough nerve to ask her and the kids out for dinner.

At first the kids intimidated him but then he got used to them and actually started to have some fun. His own son was 15 and lived with his mom out west. He felt guilty for not being around him but at least once in awhile, his mom allows him to visit for a summer. They had never married. His son was the result of an affair he had while stationed at Fort Hood when he was in the Army.

He once thought that maybe he should try to make it work with his son’s mom and paid to have both of them move in with him. That lasted for about 2 months until her jealousy became insurmountable.

Mike had been married before, to a woman with a teenage child whom he became like a father to. He still keeps in touch with her. His marriage went sour after 10 years when Janet, his wife was caught with someone else. Fidelity is something that he felt strongly about and was unable to forgive her. Until Beth, he thought he would be alone forever and not be able to trust another woman.

Beth left work at 5p.m., her usual time. She wanted to get home, shower and change before John came over. She had been thinking about this all day and had the continual anxiety feeling in the pit of her stomach. This was a turning point, a major change. Although they were separated for years, divorce is something she tired to avoid.

Beth had gotten the name of a counselor that worked with kids going through a divorce. She was thinking about Kyle. He would need counseling she thought. Someone he can talk with to alleviate the anger he seemed to be developing. The other kids, well she thought they should go as well, just in case. They appeared to be handling it fairly well though and would go by what the counselor says.

She picked up Nate at the day care center and drove home. Kyle was in the den watching television with the eight-year old and the twins were in their room listing to CD’s.

"Kyle, your father will be over tonight and I want to talk with him in private,” Beth said. “I would like you and your brothers and sister in your room for awhile. I’ll call you when we are ready for you guys O.K.?" 

"He’s coming over tonight?" Kyle asked excitedly.

"Yes, but for a few minutes, your father and I need to talk." Beth reiterated.

"O.K." Kyle said with a shrug.

She set about cooking hamburgers on the grill on the patio, had the corn on the cob on the stove and had taken out the buns and the potato salad.

"Kyle, watch the hamburgers and take them off when done. Everything is on the table," Beth said.

Beth went upstairs to take a quick shower. She changed into a pair of black slacks and picked a sleeveless white blouse and came down the stairs into the patio. Kyle had everything set up. She went over to him, rubbed his head and kissed him on the cheek.

"Thanks, you’ve been a great help tonight." Beth said proudly.

"Yea, yea" is all Kyle could say.

Dinner was easy to clean up. She used paper plates and most went into the trash. She washed out the pot and put the Potato salad back into the refrigerator. It was now close to 7 o’clock.

The door bell rang, and the kids jumped up and scrambled to the door.

"Remember; your room," Beth whispered to Kyle.

John came into the house and the kids immediatly attached themselves to him. He was laughing and hugging his kids while attempting to cross the room. Beth smiled but felt a twinge of guilt.

"O.K. kids, let your dad and I talk for awhile. Up to your rooms." Beth said. "I’ll call you guys down in a little while."

After a few protests and groans, they went to their rooms. There was an uncomfortable silence between the two of them. John smiled and gave Beth a kiss on the cheek.

They went to the kitchen table. Beth went to the refrigerator to get a couple of beers.

"Well, what do you want to talk about?" John said.

Beth took a deep breath.

"John, I’ve decided to file for divorce and I wanted to talk to you about it. There are issues with the kids and stuff we need to discuss," Beth said.

"A divorce! I thought you said you just need time, what was that all about besides hedging your bets?" John said.

"What hedging? This can’t be much of a surprise to you." Beth said.

"Are you thinking of marrying Mike?" He asked.

"I’m not thinking about marrying anybody and leave him out of this." Beth said as she got up from her chair.

John got up and grabbed her arm.

"If you think that Mike is going to have anything, and I mean anything to do with my kids, think again. I’ll fight you for custody." John announced.

They were shouting at each other now and a couple of bedroom doors were opened just a tad.

Beth’s anger flew to the surface with the threat of custody.

"Get your hands off of me,” she yelled. “Go ahead, fight for custody. Do you think with your history of abuse they will give it to you?" 

John slapped her across the face.

Mike had heard the fight and came in through the patio door. Mike grabbed John’s arm and swung him around.

“Deal with my John" Mike said.

John swung at Mike and knocked him backwards into the wall. Mike started to get up.

Suddenly, a shot rang out and Mike was thrown back against the wall again. He started to get up and another shot sent him to the floor. Beth screamed as the kids were running down the stairs. John aimed his gun at Beth and shot her sending her crashing through the glass coffee table. Matthew, the eight-year old ran to his mom yelling "Mommy, mommy"
John shot at Beth again and hit his son, sending him to the floor.

Kyle came down the stairs and tried to get behind his father to prevent him from shooting anymore. Before he got to him, John placed the gun to his temple and pulled the trigger.

Kyle was splattered with his father’s blood. Blood was all over the floor and walls as he watched his father crumble to the floor.
He stood stock still and started to hyperventilate. He heard sirens coming from outside and suddenly there were five police cars outside, two policemen were standing with their guns poised in the family room.

One of the police officers went over to Kyle. At first he thought he had been shot. He shouted to another police officer to call the Para-medics.

"This kid is in shock," the officer said.

He went to the body nearest Kyle.

"Oh my God, it’s John and he’s dead." He said.

"So is this one." Another Police officer said as he was checking Mike.

"The woman and the kid are seriously hurt," Sergeant Jackson said. "Secure the scene and get someone here for crowd control. People are starting to gather in front."

The Para-medics arrived and took Beth, Matthew and Kyle to the hospital as the police officers waited for the Medical Examiner.

Mike and John were dead. Beth was in the intensive care unit fighting for her life. Matthew was treated and released into his grandparents care along with the twins and Nate. Kyle was under observation in the Psychiatric ward. He hadn’t uttered a word since the incident.
Molly and Jason couldn’t seem to stop crying.

Neighbors pitched in to help clean the house after the police were through and collected money in various neighborhood stores to help with expenses. The grandparents would keep the kids until Beth is well enough. She had been shot in the back and would need rehab in order for her to walk again.

Later, she will tell a few of her close friends to help her look for another house to rent as she could never go back to the one she had. She lost her ex-husband, a good friend and one of the children may never recover from the trauma.

Domestic violence affects everyone. Beth, her children and me, who lost a very good friend. More than 1,200 women are killed by an intimate partner each year. Children of abuse or from an abusive home often become abusers in adult life. In the above story, Beth made a complete recovery although she still walks with a limp. Kyle still is dealing with psychological issues.