The Girl With A Messed Up Mind

I didn't think I would be doing this. Ever, in a million years. But I am, and it's just so. . . wrong. But so. . . right.



Brushing my hair out of my eyes, I re-aply my lipstick, ruby red. Same old, same old. Checking my appointments, and I've got the rest of the night free. Great, more time to loathe myself, at least I'm not as bad as I used to be. The scars are there, but you can't see them, and they're mostly internal anyway. Then his hand on my leg. Right, force the smile, the twinkle in my eye, I take one look at him, and know he isn't done. Ahwell, at least I'm free, and he is a good customer. . .

"It'll cost you same for another hour." I said "Hope you've got the cash, you know I don't take checks or cards" Just thought I'd slip that in there, you never know really.

"Heyy, you know I'm good for it" he said, stroking my cheek, then he moved closer, and whispered to me "I'll make it worthwhile, it'll be so worthwhile. . ." his voice trailed off as he kissed my face, moving slowly down, to my neck. He would, oh he would. She fought back the tears, and she held his face in her hands as she kissed him, passionately. All over again. What would his wife think? She wondered, What would she think?



She awoke the next morning, feeling like death, and looking like it too. Buggar. 10:15. Need to get up, get ready, go see her.

Thats when it hit. How did I get like this? Fucking guys for money, and, well, what do I really get out of it? Sure, it's a job, but - Then it really hit me. I need to stop. I need to stop before I lose her, she is me, I am her. I'm stopping it. I'm stopping it now. Then the phone rang.

"Shit! Scared the fucking life out of me, jeez!" She picked it up, and hey, speak of the devil.

"Heya hun, how you doing today? I miss you" Her voice. . . that sweet, sexy voice. . . it was hers.

"Love you too, I really want to see you, I need to tell you something, I -" choking back tears I just managed to finish "I'll talk to you later, I'll come round to yours, I - I love you so much. Sorry." and I hung up.

I don't know why I hung up. Probably because I didn't want her to hear me cry. If only I'd known then. I would talk to her again, breifly, and then, and only then would my life come to a brutal end. I washed and dressed, made myself presentable, and left for her house. If only I'd known. If only I'd known that my reason for living was about to become my reason for death. Kinda ironic, don't you think?



I stood outside her front door for 10 minutes before I actually managed to get the strength, and the guts to knock, and as soon as I had, I knew it was a mistake.

She answered with a smile. The very same smile I had once craved, so much, so damned much. I wanted to feel her, one last time, so I took her in my arms, and pressed my lips to hers, and let my tongue explore her mouth. I knew this would be the last time, somewhere deep inside told me, and I knew it.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry I never told you. Even more so that I did it, but you know any bloke would pay for me, and they'd pay alot, you know that." I pleaded with her, she wasn't usually violent, but I had witnessed it once, and it wasn't good.

"What the fuck were you thinking?!" Here it comes, I deserve this, I deserve this "I can't fucking believe you!!! I - I -" She fell to the floor, and broke down into tears. Do you know what it feels like to have you heart wrenched out, and thrown across the room? "Loved you" she finally managed to whisper. That's it. the breaking point. I stood up and tried to run. I'm dead. Thats all I could think. I've hurt her, now she's gonna hurt me. I'm dead.

The doors, all of them, locked. I turned and looked up, confused. She answered me with a sly smile. The smile of a broken hearted woman, who had been waiting for revenge for a long, long time.

Fuck. Shit. Bollocks. How could I have been so stupid? She knew, she wasn;t dumb, she fucking worked it out!!

I was backing into a corner, and she was advancing, rapidly.

"I'm sorry, I love you, I'M SORRY!!" I screeched, my last words. You'd have thought I'd have noticed the blade in her hand. I mean, the light had even reflected into my eye. Stupid woman, I had always wanted the things that were bad for me. Well, at least it's all over now.



Dying is a peculiar thing.

A thing to be feared? No, it's not as bad as you'd think, now, there's no more pain. No more heartache. Now, it's better. It's all better.



Now I can smile, with real joy in mind.