Let Go Let God

I was molested starting at nine years old by various men.  Sitting on their laps, being touched inappropriately, I even had one instance where a grown man tried to stick his penis in my butt. I was nine or ten when it happened.  I trusted men.  They made me feel secure, and then it went all away.  I had a wonderful stepfather that gave me some of my trust back in men.  I started to see past their hungry lust for my body.  I realized some had feelings other than animalistic; they were the ones I trusted.  When I started dating the mistrust raised its ugly head.  They howl and whistle as I walk down the street.  I was just a simple girl nothing to whistle at.    I must say I have felt a certain mistrust of all men and a certain kind of hate.  I didn’t even want them to have a chance to say they hurt me.  I always wanted to hurt them before they hurt me.  I wanted all men to pay for what a few ungodly men did to me.  I thought I was being a player at her best, always two steps ahead of the rest. When I had my first child I said it will never happen to her.  Bit it did.  Who’s to blame now?  I can’t blame my molesters all I can say is I wasn’t on watch.  I was walking in self pity.  I was displaying self pity at its height. I started to pray God why me? How could this happen to my child?  He said, "You forgot Me."  How can you wallow in your self pity and praise Me? 

  I now understand that self pity doesn’t hurt anyone but me.  I haven’t really hurt any man they way that I was hurt.  I have only hurt myself.  I made it much harder for me to find peace.  I am releasing this pain I have felt for over thirty years.  I don’t want anyone else to suffer as I have.  Don’t miss your blessing by reliving your past in the present and making it push through to the future.  Self pity begets more self pity.  You do it automatically, on auto pilot.  It is even hard to admit.

Psalm 27:14 says, “Be brave and of good courage and let your heart be stout and enduring.  Yes, wait for and hope for and expect the word.” 

I am being brave instead of wanting someone to feel sorry for me.  I want all of my molesters to know you no longer have me pitying myself and making others pay for what you did to me.  I am living under God’s grace and I release the pain knowing God will repay you for all you have done to me and others.  I will not continue to let you control my happiness or my joy.

I ask forgiveness of all the people I have hurt intentionally or on auto pilot.  I walk now in the light of the truth.  I no longer have to guard my love or my heart;  I realize I am commissioned by God to love those that love me.  I am so grateful I had those experiences in my life, without them I could help my child get over it.  Today I stand proud of who I am and move forward to be all that God wants me to be.