Change Is Real (Auto-Biography) Part 8

I wanted to do more with her but Adam & Pam said I had to have sex with him in order to have sex with her. I told Adam to go fuck himself and i kept bitching at Pam trying to convince her to come fuck me. After about twenty minutes of arguing I just left the room and went into the living room and was watching Drew and Barb drink. Drew was drunk off his ass and talking about sex and how much he loved Barb, than he pulled down his pants and flashed everyone, that wasn't a pleasant sight at all. Than Barb and Drew were having sex and I was in the room with them smacking Drew in the back and just being stupid. It was like a huge orgy in his room and I was pissed because there was no ass there for me. Eventually everyone went to sleep and there I was, i made a stupid mistake by cheating on Amber.

(Okay at this point everyone who read down here is probably thinking, wow that ass hole, wow he is a cheater. Especially you Shannon but I just want all of the readers to know that I am not a cheater and I would never ever do that to you, or anyone. I just made a terrible mistake and i learned my lesson because that was the starting point of my emotional break down. Amber and I argued like crazy and I thought that she was cheating on me and that we weren't going to be together anyway so I said screw it and was trying to find someone more compatable anyway. Barb never liked Amber and agreed that Amber was not my type and that she was a wigger and a low life who dropped out of school and isn't really trying to progress in her life. I know i can't use that for an excuse to cover up what i did but i just want the reader to know that at the point I didn't know what love really was, my hormones just got to me and I thought Amber was the one, but I think that was a sign for me to find someone new anyway because her and i were not meant to be)

The next morning i was talking to this guy named Myron he knows females more than most females and I was asking him for advice on the whole situation. He said I shouldn't tell her what happened and just forget the whole thing, but I figured that someone would spill the beans anyway and I did feel guilty. I had work that night to so I went over to Amber's and waited for her to get home than I sat her down and told her that I cheated on her and told her exactly what happened but I told her that I was really drunk and that I didn't know what was going on. She said that it's okay we all do stupid things. I was supposed to stay at the house all weekend while she was up at camp because I had work and everything seened fine. Her mom drove me to work before they left and I didnt think nothing of it. About five minutes later they come back and Ray asks me for the key to the house, i couldn't stay there all weekend and that he wanted to have a long talk with me when ever they came back. I was a nervous wreck by then because i didn't think they would find out I had the key to the house. I usually always secretly stay over there without them knowing, something was up.

I pulled out my cell phone and was texting her but she didn't reply so i stepped to the side and started calling her and she didn't pick up. After about ten calls the phone actually was answered and Ray picked up. He said "hello" and i responded "hey Ray could i please talk to Amber" he said "no, we will all talk to you Monday", my chest was hurting and my heart was pounding so fast that I couldn't even focus on working. I was a nervous wreck and I was so sad because I didn't understand why she didn't want to talk. I couldn't eat for almost two days, I was at phils and all i could say was, why is she upset. I couldn't even keep my attention to the video game because my mind was just one hundred percent focused on that whole situation. I even called her phone and her line was busy so i called Lynda and her line was busy. So i figured out that they were on the phone talking to each other.

Lynda loved Amber and I was actually suprised and she said that she couldn't wait for us to get married and that we were meant to be, i didn't feel that way because of the arguments and the things we didn't have in common. She loved rap and i despised, she wanted me to wear big baggy clothes and I didn't want to. I ran down to the bus stop and was yelling out loud "hurry up fuckin bus hurry hurry hurry" because i wanted to go home and snatch the phone just to talk to Amber. the bus finally came and I was so nervous and shakey because all I wanted to do was get to the bottom of this. I get off the bus and run around the corner and walked into Lynda's. She was off the phone but I asked Lynda what the fuck they talked about.

She said that Amber said that she was upset because of what I did to her, and I said thats messed up because she told me she wasn't mad about it. Lynda told me something I couldn't forget "When a female says its okay, its really not" and to this day i believe that and will never forget Lynda telling me that. Lynda was upset with me for doing that and I was thinking about commiting suicide because I felt so terrible about it. I tried for a whole week to get back with Amber but she didn't even want to talk to me.

About two weeks after that i accepted that she no longer wanted to be with me, but we eventually started communication on the phone just to keep in touch. One night I went down to Eat N' Park and I seen this really pretty female greeter, i asked her if she Spencer was working and she said "no but he is on his way" and so i said thanks and sat down. She said I was cute and she asked me for my name, I said "thanks, I'm Ryan" than i said "your name is Jewel's, thats a beautiful name" she smiled and said "Well its actually Julia but everyone calls me Jewels" and i stood up up and walked close to her and put out my hand and said" well its nice to meet you, Julia". We talked alot and Spencer came to work and I just wanted to see what was up with him because I haven't seen him in a while and to tell him about Amber.

He said we would talk later because he had to work so i left Eat N' Park and went to Phils. That night I seen Spencer walking up the hill so we went over his house. He said that Julia was upset because I never said good bye or asked anything and I was thinking in my head "She is so hot, she doesn't want me anyway" but i asked Spencer if he had her number and he said yeah, so I called her on his phone. She picked up and I told her that I was sorry that I didn't say good bye I didn't want to stay and chat so long because you were busy working. She said its okay and that she wanted me to come visit her at Eat N' Park because she was off and she was with her friends eating food.

Me and Spencer flew down to Eat N' Park from his house because I though to myself "wow a pretty girl like that really wants me to come visit her, i better not miss the chance". So we met up with her, she gave me a hug and she drove Spencer and I around in her truck. She lived all the way in Southside so driving was more convienent for her. I am exactly one week older than Julia and her and I had alot in common. We were walking around the water front and she was talking about her life and her past relationships and I told her that we should all go see a movie or something tomorrow. The next day I met her at Eat N' Park and Spencer was doing something with his mom downtown or something so it was just Julia and I, waiting for Spencer. Spencer was supposed to meet us but he was taking so long to get here.

Julia calls Spencer and tells him that its okay, she just wants to be with me like a date and I was feeling so flattered you don't even know how happy I was feeling. We were at Southside works movie theatre and I bought her a ticket to see the Dark Night. We were making out during the movie so i missed to much of it, she wasn't really a good kisser though. After that, i took her to TGI Fridays at the Waterfront and we ate and talk. She met Adam at giant eagle and she though he was cool so we went up to his house just to hang out.

He was watching the movie Sweenie Todd in his room so we went in there and was just sitting on the bed. We started making out like crazy and he eventually fell asleep. There was this bed to the side of his bed that Spencer had brought over to sleep on because we would all be over there alot. Her and I moved to that bed and we started making out more and more and I started fingering her to turn her on and than Adam woke up and was getting angey and told me not to do that in his room. Adam was cock-blocking the fuck out of me and I was getting pissed.

Adam was saying non-sense like, "What the fuck are you two doing in my room, im not trying to be old fashioned but who just fucks on the first date and he called her a whore". The worst part was she turned the whole thing around and took his side because we both knew that he would go down to Eat N' Park and talk bad about her so she didn't want to be known as a whore. Adam always had a thing for me and it made me sick that he did that to me, He was mad because I was going to get some and he wasn't. Adam and I weren't really talking any more because of that.

There I was, a single and horny bastard with no job and nothing worth living for. I went back to Lynda's and just lived and did nothing. I applied at Kennywood and got the job right on the spot and worked at Star, they serve the fried oreo's, funnel cakes, and corn dogs. Drew was working there at the time as well as my buddy from Steel Center, Aaron. My eighteenth birthday was about a week away and I was working so many hours at Kenny Wood and enjoyed working there because I liked the customer service and talking to people and meeting pretty girls. The Red Hot Chili Peppers were my inspiration for changing my over all way of thinking, as well as Amber raising my self confidence and helping me see a different side of life and people thought I was a little to obsessed for getting the Red Hot Chili Peppers asterisk tattooed on my right wrist but its just to show my love for them.

I was working register one day and this girl came up and ordered a funnel cake and she noticed my wrist and she said she liked my tattoo and put her leg on the counter and pulled up her pant leg and she had the asterisk in black on her leg. She told me about this concert that was going to happen on August 8th and 9th, 2008 and Anthony Kiedis was going to be curating the whole shindig. Her giving me that beautiful piece of information really brightened up my day and I had to get a ticket but i didn't think much of it because it was a few months away. I ended up working on my birthday and it was a sad day because I didn't have a party and no girls around to celebrate with, I was mad because your eighteenth should be fun.


I still had my stimulus check from when I was working at Flamers/Manchu Wok which was only three hundred dollars and i could not get it cashed because I didn't have my state ID or drivers license. Some time when I was seventeen I went down to the state building and requested one and they told me because I was seventeen I needed my birth certificate and a proof of residence, and I didn't have either. I was so mad that I went over to Phil's and asked him if i could use his bank to cash it. PNC Bank allows you cash your checks via ATM Machine so we stuck in the stimulus check and the money came out of the machine and we left. Few days later is account was over drawn and I had already spent the money so I begged Lynda if she could pay my his bank than I would pay her back. She agreed to it and I did, to this day, pay her back but I always appreciated her paying it and one day I will give back what I owe to people.

I quit Kennywood and got a job at GameStop because this new guy Justin was the new assistant manager there and Brandon left and got a new store in Squirrel Hill. Justin gave me a chance to work there and he even had a serious conversation with me about his life and about me succeeding in life. At first I was happy to work there, I knew alot about games and I had the greatest customer service out of every single employee because I wanted all of the customers; the players, to be happy.

I was accused once for helping this little ten year old black kid who was stealing our own used controllers and than re-trading them back in to the new assistant manger, Dave. Michael was the manager at the time and he was so furious with me but Justin cleared it up. I was up at this store called Cash N' Culture and I seen that kid and he wanted to trade in his stuff but he clearly was not eighteen so I offered to trade in the stuff for him and the guard thought that I was an accomplish but I had absolutely no idea what he was doing.

I don't believe in stealing, although I can't lie and say that I never stolen anything in my life I just think its wrong. I have stolen money from people on the internet, I have stolen money from Lynda, Peggy, Phil, Adam (I paid him back secretly though, $10 i stuck on top of his closet), and most of my friends. It was never out of harm, it was just for bus fair mostly. I put an oath to never steal again, no matter what. If i need to catch a bus but have no money, i will simply walk. I sin a lot and my goal is to sin less but its just hard because of temptation. I love the universe and do not wish harm on anyone.

After a month of working at Game Stop I decided I wanted to enroll at ITT Technical Institute for Computer Programming and Software Design. I went to the school which is located in Green Tree and I enrolled there and my first day was September 10th, 2008. I waited till then, and my first day was really cool. I met some awesome people who had so many interests as me. My best friend at ITT Tech was this awesome guy named Joel Gally. Joel is twenty eight years old, he was married to his second wife and had a kid but his mom and dad lived in North Side so he moved out from his wife and in with them. Joel was in a band as the vocalist back in the early 2000's called Our Dying Moment, he showed me a few songs on his myspace, he is an awesome vocalist but the band split up after some drama. I loved my classes at ITT Tech but I started to hate Game Stop because of the hours being shitty.

I quit Gamestop because they were not giving me the hours desired and I put applications in Dollar General by Kennywood and at Target at the waterfront. Ironically enough, Target and Dollar General both called me so i had to make a choice because Target's interview was first but a half hour later Dollar General wanted there interview. I chose Dollar General because it was in walking distance and it didn't seem like it would get as busy. So i put on a nice dress shirt and some pants and walked up there and started the interview with the manager John. John was a nice guy with a professional attitude and the interview went very well. John said that i was really respectful and qualified for working there but I had to do a drug test.

He gave me this piece of paper with the address and told me i have to be there from the moment i walk out of the door until one week from that date. I was figuring out a way to get there so the next day there was this guy who worked at the Wal-Mart in North Versailles that offered me to give me a one way ride there. I went and pissed in a cup than i walked out and was thinking to myself how I was getting home. I walked up to this giant eagle and i was standing there thinking, than i called my old pal Chris Lloyd and asked him for a ride, he said just wait for a bus. I tried to lie to him and say that there were no buses around and to please come get me but he said he was busy and he knows there are busses around. I walked into subway and called Amber and asked her if Ray or Elizabeth could come get me, she said no and good luck, i said thanks. I seen busses drive past so i just stood at the bus stop and was listening to some Disturbed on my iPod because my hands were to cold to take out of my pockets and i didn't even care what music was on. After about thirty disturbed songs played the bus came and i got on it and it took me down town than i waited for my best friend; 61C and went home.

The next day I called John and asked him if i was hired and he said my first day was Friday so on Friday I started working. I loved working there although i worked many hours. After two weeks of working there I hung out with Jeff and smoked some weed with him and didn't think much of it. That next day I went to work and started feeling really dizzy, I was afraid and I told my boss what I had done the night before, he told me that by the policy he had to contact human resources and tell them what I had done and that I was suspended till further notice. I was so sad but at the same time it was my dumb fault for telling him what I did.

I went to school and gave him a call and he said that I was fired and he wishes that I could of stayed a part of the team. I was jobless once again but I went to Century 3 Mall and applied at KB Toys because I knew the manager, Tim for a while and he needed people for the holidays. I was hired instantly and started working there as a seasonal employee but I had the opportunity to stay after if I was qualified for it. The next day I went by Manchu Wok because I wanted to order subway because its right next door and I seen Jesse. Jesse told me that he needed people to work for the season and that he was going to pay me three hundred and thirty dollars a week if i worked every single day that whole month and free food every day. That seemed like an offer I couldn't refuse.

I worked at KB Toys and quit after my fourth day of work to go work once again, for Jesse and Alice. I was working at Manchu Wok as a cashier again and Jesse told me about this new restaurant he had opened up at Washington Crown Center Mall in Washington County and all i could really think about is my sisters and how much i missed them and how great it would be to see them again after all of those years. Jesse told me that I could work up there and he would drive me up there and If i had to work multiple days in a row that I could stay over his beautiful home over night and he would drive me there.

I have been over to Alice and his home before, I used to cut there grass while they were at the restaurants and had no time to cut the grass and didn't want to call any one and spend all of that money. I had never really cut the grass before but i agreed to and he paid me forty dollars to do it. I did it three times in total and he also told me that in Clairton it was against the law to have your grass a certain height so it needed to be cut. I would cut there grass and take the bus back to the mall and than he would give me the cash. Another time, his internet wasn't working because he wanted it in his room and he unhooked a bunch of stuff to do the switch and he had no idea how to fix it. He paid me twenty dollars to fix it and it only took me about five minutes to do it.

When ever you have a modem unplugged and moved around, some times you have to reset the modem by keeping it unplugged for about a minute than plug it back in to the outlet and it should refresh the IP and your internet would be up and running just fine again. He didn't know that and that's why it didn't work, he felt so stupid. So there I was, working up in Washington and I was so paranoid that I would randomly see Ken up there and the girls. After re-working there again about three weeks later i quit for the fifth and final time. I could not stand working with foreigner's who could not speak English at all. Jesse had me work up there with two Mexicans who could not speak any English and i got mad about that. He told me that they said I was horsing around and was trying to meet chicks and friends up there. Jesse was mad because I was there to work and not socialize, so I told him that I still made a good amount of sales and that if he didn't like the way i was working, than i quit.

He said okay that's fine but i am not fired and i would just have to work at Manchu Wok from now on. I said "no, i do not want to continue to work for a person like you, your the fucking boss and you are believing what they two guys say" and he said that if some one tells him something he has to dispute it no matter what. I do admit that I did socialize but I also pulled sales and that it was not an all day thing, I only socialized after there were no customers but he didn't believe that. I told him this "Jesse i quit, thanks for the fifth opportunity but at least i didn't just walk out this time". We all cleaned up and he drove me back to his place, i slept there and in the morning Alice dropped us all off at the mall than i proceeded to the bus stop without saying good bye.

I was job less once again and I was going to school and that was typically it. I had no source of income and school was just boring so I wanted a change in my life. I seen this girl i knew at the mall for a while, she was in the US Army and she told me i should join. I told her that is stupid and I don't want to sign my life away and that I might as well commit suicide now. She said don't be stupid and come upstairs with me and talk to a recruiter and just get the information and your your own person so you can just say no and leave at any time. I agreed and there I was, going up that broken escalator back at my main spot: Century 3 Mall. I stepped my foot into that recruiting station and that is where i met Sergeant Ziller. He asked me what I was doing with my life and I told him just going to ITT Tech for computer programming than he asked what kind of job I was doing and I told him nothing, i just quit my job.

He told me to do this practice test just for fun and i agreed to it, it was a Pre-Asvab test which was on this computer, it had about thirty questions in the math, reading, and science categories. I finished the test and got a thirty six which was a passing score but it was very low. He asked if i wanted to join and I said not really but than he told me the benefits and I was thinking it over and I really could use the benefits. They pay for your schooling, your housing, you get a guaranteed job and that it was an honor to join because of how the percentage of actually being qualified is, which is 3% of US Citizens. The thing that really got me into it the most was the fact that I barely had nothing left to be in Pennsylvania for so I said okay how do i sign up. He told me I had to do an actual ASVAB test at this special forces base by the air port and I said okay ill do it, than I would have to take a physical which is a long process.

I figured the test wouldn't be so hard so about a week later there I was taking my ASVAB test and I needed a thirty one to pass. The test is brutally long and very challenging, the math was insane and the science was kind of killer, I completed the test and my score was a twenty three. I was so discouraged because of it that I said fuck it, the army is not meant for me if I can't even pass a stupid test. I went back to Century 3 Mall and Ziller told me to just practice and I can do it in one month, I didn't do any bit of studying. I was still going to school and about to start my second quarter on December 1st. I was able to retake the test December 16th so I had a few weeks to think about what I was going to do with my life.

Right before December 16th this beautiful thing happened to me, I got in contact with Ken on My Space. I searched "Kahlbaugh" in the find friends feature and I came across his myspace page and my heart started beating faster. I clicked on his profile and looked at the pics, and it was him and my sisters all grown up. The twins are sixteen and Julie is fourteen and I almost started to cry. I sent him a message on myspace and he replied back asking how i was and that he was not mad at me and that this was all because of Lynda and how she was as a person and that he and the girls wanted nothing more to do with her or Peggy. I told him i understood and i don't blame him because i bet they were much happier than i was.

He told me that i could come visit them some time and to keep in touch and I was so happy to hear from him and even happier to know that the girls were safe and happy. Few days later he came and picked me up from Barrett's parking lot and I was so happy to see him and to catch up on old times. My heart was beating faster than light and I just couldn't wait to see my sisters after all of that time. I told him about how I was working at Washington Crown Center and that I was asking around about them and no one knew anything. We pulled up to the parking lot and I got out the car and we stepped in to his beautiful home. He went up stairs and told the girls that there big brother was there but they didn't believe it. They didnt down stairs so i went half way up and said "you scared of your brother or something" and Jodi said "noooo" than they all came down stairs. When i seen them all i could do is think about old times and how screwed up stuff was but at the same time I didn't care because i was just happy to know that they were all in front of my eyes safe and happy. That just made my whole entire year to just be there with them

I spent the whole week over there and i basically talked to my sisters, Ken, and his cool girlfriend Leigh Ann and i played Call of Duty 4 on his PlayStation 3 and talked to people on My Space with his super nice computer. I really felt like I was at home and that's how they all treated me, like I was actually a part of there family and I was scared because I was not used to it at all. On Christmas Eve Ken asked these two awesome people, Slack and Tiff if i was invited over for there Christmas eve party. Slack and Tiff are from the band Payl and they are getting bigger. They are two of the nicest people you will ever meet and Slack was playing the piano and it was so amazing and beautiful and that showed me a different side to a piano.

Slack was also left handed which was awesome because so am I and he played guitar which was awesome. That night he played me Under The Bridge by the chili peppers and we all played his x box and i was on his computer. To be quite honest i really didn't know where we was at at first because Ken knows a lot of band people and I never heard of Payl before Ken. Ken is there personal friend and now there official manager and he couldn't be happier. Tiff is a great singer and a really nice punk rock girl and she was so fun to talk to. I really appreciated being in there beautiful home and Slack even gave me the tour of the house. Tiff set up some shrimp cock tail so I ate a ton of that. Tracey, the other guitarist was also a tattoo artist and he was going to charge me 15 dollars to get my tattoo re colored so i was going to do it but his dad was sleeping in the room with his equipment, but its okay i love my tattoo just the way it was.

I still to this day appreciate Slack and Tiff for inviting me over to there home and for the hospitality. I told Slack how i wanted to be a bass player and he said that for two hundred and fifty dollars he could get me a nice practice bass and an amp... a good amp he added and I told him when ever I got the money. The next day; Christmas Day, ken, Leigh Ann, the girls, and I went over to Leigh Ann's family's home and Leigh Ann was skeptical because her and her niece didn't quite get along and Leigh Ann thought that I would like her and try to hit on her and she told me if I had sex with her she would never talk to me again, she also commented that her niece was nasty and slept with her ex husband, her niece is only twenty. I told her that i respect her and wouldn't do anything like that.

At the party we were mostly in the basement trying to avoid the drama so we played rock band, the first song I played was Dani California by the red hot chili peppers obviously and i eventually went up stairs to meet the whole crew. Her niece came down stairs and got some whine and i wanted to drink some so bad so I took a little bit. I didn't have an interest in her niece and i doubted she had an interest in me, but i did meet her and sit next to her and we did talk. I didn't really flirt but I messed with her and took her phone and was just being dumb around her. Leigh Ann looked very mad at me about it but at the time I didn't notice it. Leigh Ann thought that everyone was talking about her because Jodi made a comment saying stuff that was said, but none of the stuff was directed towards her at all.

We all left and i told everyone it was nice meeting them and than Leigh Ann yelled at me at first but i told her i had no intention and to me that was not being flirty and she eventually seemed like she calmed down and she told me she was not mad at me and everything was fine. The girls gave me some Christmas cards which i open up once and a while just to look at and think about that beautiful week spent with them but i haven't seen them ever since. Ken dropped me off at home and i just went to sleep.

That same week i re took my ASVAB test and i passed it with a thirty four so than i had to take my physical test to get in. I went into a hotel and ate food, woke up around three in the morning and that is when we all got driven to Mep's, downtown Pittsburgh for our physical. The physical was a long process but i passed every single thing, I ended up staying there for many hours and the guy who I was with didn't pass the test due to alleriges, being allergic to bee's. I swore in and got my picture taken and was given my Army ID Card. I was just so happy to pass the physical and now I am waiting to be shipped off to Fort Jackson, South Carolina. My shipment date is January 27th, 2009. That is where i will begin my new life and new obstacles a wait. All of the struggles in my life were all for a good cause, I met this wonderful girl named Shannon and we are together right now, i love her and she loves me. God knows how long we will last due to me leaving. I may request to change my ship date because her birthday is in February and i want to spend it with her and it the best birthday ever.

Everything in my life that seemed bad wasn't that bad at all, it all happened for a reason and i still, to this day, cherish the gift of life and want every body to succeed. I am getting Anthony Kiedis's head on my arm and I did go to that concert that girl told me about at Kenny Wood and I met him and I think i would go homosexual for him because if any man can give me that effect he is something brilliant. I know that alot of stuff didn't make sense but that is generally the main facts of my life that i can remember and if you have any questions please feel free to ask me, and yeah life's tough, but with a little faith, amazing things can happen. - Ryan Scott Barr, Private 1 in the US Army, Brother, Son, Cousin, Friend, Boy Friend, Best Friend, Lover, and Savior.