Maroon Alert!

This is not an urban legend. I know it is true, because my friend heard it from his uncle, who is a non-commissioned military officer.

The Pentagon, the CIA, the FBI and the Department of Homeland Security have drafted contingency plans in case of an alien invasion. An attack from extra-terrestrials is considered “a plausible security threat which cannot be ruled out, and which we must not ignore.” There is no convincing evidence that extra-terrestrial life has ever reached the earth, according to my friend. However, there is a consensus that the probability for contact with an alien race has risen exponentially over the past century, due to the advent of radio technology. Humans have broadcasted in radio for the past 100 years. Any civilization within 100 light years, therefore, could infer our presence by detecting artificial signals which leaked into space.

A peaceful alien civilization might attempt to contact us, perhaps via radio. They may beam us simple patterns useful for decoding messages they would later send. However, according to the Pentagon, “There is no reason to believe extra-terrestrials would have peaceful intentions. In fact, aggression should be considered more probable.” It is natural for any intelligent form of life to strive for the status of an inter-planetary species, at the very least because it would help ensure survival. By default, the discovery of another civilization would signify the existence of a habitable planet, perhaps suitable for colonization.

There exist two types of plans for protecting the earth from extra-terrestrial aggression: preventive and defensive. Preventive measures, as the name implies, are intended to minimize the chances that an invasion would ever occur. One measure would be to eliminate radio transmissions. The FBI has recommended that the United States phase out radio communication by 2015. Newer, safer technologies, such as cable and satellite would take its place. The Army Corps of Engineers currently is working on a design for a car with a satellite dish on its roof, rather than a radio antenna. One major hurdle is keeping the dish aimed while driving. Satellites, of course, receive and broadcast radio signals. However, this is considered a “low level risk”, due to the focused nature of the radio beams; a radio telescope on another planet would have to be aimed perfectly to detect such a signal.

By 2025, there should be a mandatory ban on all radio communication including cell phone use, the FBI recommended. Violators would be subject to criminal prosecution. The only entities exempt from the ban would be the military, law enforcement and intelligence agencies, which consider radio “a vital tool for protecting national security”. The CIA recommended that between 2015 and 2025, the United States make treaties to enforce an international ban. Countries which break their treaty obligations should face “sanctions and/or military strikes on radio and television installations”. Rogue states which refuse to sign on to such a treaty would be candidates for “regime change”.

For years, radio astronomers have engaged in an effort to search for artificial signals from other civilizations. This endeavor is known as Project SETI (Search for Extra-Terrestrial Intelligence). Homeland Security urges the elimination of all federal grants for SETI by 2015, since contact with another civilization would inevitably be attempted if an artificial signal were ever confirmed. By 2025, SETI searches should be outlawed. It is recommended that lawless SETI scientists be subject to life imprisonment. Anyone who deliberately transmits a radio signal into interstellar space should be eligible for the death penalty. All persons working in scientific fields should be assumed to have an interest in contacting aliens, and be placed under surveillance. The federal government should make across-the-board cuts in science funding. Project SETI would continue as a secret military program renamed the Search for Extra-Terrestrial Invaders.

It must be stressed that the all of the aforementioned precautions would merely minimize the radio output from the earth. Even if satellite communication stopped, artificial signals would still seep into space, since all electronic equipment emits electro-magnetic waves. Although weak, such emissions could in principle be detected by an advanced civilization proficient at extracting signals from background noise. Therefore the Pentagon, the CIA, the FBI and Homeland Security unanimously recommend research into alternatives to electricity.

Radio black-out is only one preventive technique on the table. Another is uglification: making the earth so unappealing that no intelligent species should want to take it over. “We were doing a pretty good job at that until environmental regulations came along,” my friend's uncle told him. Homeland Security recommends the removal of all environmental protections and an immediate acceleration of pollution, deforestation, development of pristine areas, and natural resource depletion. “Everyone is up in arms about global warming,” my friend's uncle said, “Why has it not occurred to these people that action on this issue might expose us to greater threats?”

No matter what precautions we take, the threat of an invasion still remains. Nothing can be done to stop the radio waves that have already propagated over light years. Our signals may have already been received on a dying world inhabited by beings desperate for a fresh chance, and who are thousands of years ahead of us in technology. They may now be on their way here. The Pentagon, therefore, has plans to defend the earth from an attack.

The military estimates their chances of winning a conventional war with an invading space fleet to be zero. Therefore, if we are attacked, top generals will ask the president to authorize nuclear strikes. “We’ll smoke them out. We’ll toast earthlings out of their holes. We’ll get them running,” an unnamed source said.

“This will be the ultimate uglification,” my friend's uncle told him, “We will trash the earth so thoroughly that with luck, those pesky aliens will leave us alone for at least a century or two.”

“The world should thank us,” he added, “Which would you prefer: to be killed quickly by one of our hydrogen bombs, or to melt slowly in the death rays of a flying saucer?”

“What if the alien invaders thrive in fallout-rich environments?” I asked my friend.

“Dude, E.T. is not gonna order a whole squadron of space destroyers to fly fifty light years without having a helluva good idea what this place is like. If we deep fry the earth, it won't like be the same as it was. Don't worry, we can chill in a bunker or something.”

“We must not wait for aliens to attack us,” according to the Pentagon. The Air Force currently is monitoring the sky for UFO's and following reports of sightings. It has an alert system in place for unidentified flying objects, which ranges from green (completely mundane) to red (totally inexplicable). In the case of a Code Red sighting, permission to proceed with the nuclear option will automatically be requested. “We do not want the smoking gun to be a mushroom-clam army,” according to an unnamed source, “If we wait for space raiders to start their onslaught, we will be too late.”

“Recently, there was a Code Maroon sighting, which was the highest alert level to date. That's why we drafted contingency plans,” my friend's uncle told him, “Should the alert level get upgraded to red, we hope the president will not hesitate to act, regardless of what questions remain about the authenticity of the UFO sightings. Obscure issues of uncertainty and scientific rigor must not get in the way when the security of the planet is at stake.”

You can't afford not to believe it.
       
December 13, 2006