Placebo Effect

I wanted to talk.
The urge was so strong
Felt like it was ready to spill over
From my eyes,
Out my mouth to the first passer-by,
From my hands, my hips, my feet.
So I wrote.

I needed company.
Desire burned inside me
Like the sting of a mutant wasp.
I was ready for anyone.
Didn’t matter who-
Short, tall, balding, poster-model refugee,
So I watched TV.

I sought understanding.
An ear to hear,  an eye to catch
The things I needed off my chest
But which fear kept off my tongue-
The sorrow and uncertainty,
The thoughts that keep me awake at night.
And so I waited.

I craved closure.
Self destruction mechanism diffused,
Disastrous chapter closed
Turn over to a new page-
Habits to change, addictions to break, mind to reprogram-
But hard to do,
So I slept.

I hungered for Soul Food.
The empty calories of placid conversations,
Mindless outings,
The inane, random chatter
On subjects about as important as pancake batter-
How I be, who be she, goings on about the weather.
So I kept myself busy.

Finding isolation in a quiet corner,
Consoling a cup of coffee-
And why not a doughnut  or two?
Transference, denial, avoidance-
Vices and coping mechanisms,
Delusional solutions and false fixes
On which I depend
Til I can face it all head-on
And  get off this
PLACEBO.