Acceptance

The boy slowly leaned back against the red-brick wall and shivered against the harsh cold. It was much too cold to be outside but he couldn’t face his father by going back inside. He would take the freezing weather of December rather than the words of his father. He couldn’t face the statements he would no doubt say.



         He didn’t understand why his father couldn’t act like his father instead of a bug that was flying around his head. His father used to be supportive in anything he wanted to do and anyone he wanted to be. But that wasn’t the case now… his father just couldn’t be supportive of him after this. It was just too much.



         He gave a bitter chuckle and shook his head. Why did his life have to be so complicated? First his mother died when he was eight of cancer, his new step-mother (that he actually liked) ran off with her boss when he was fourteen, now his father not talking to him or looking at him in days? Actually, he hadn’t even really seen his father all that much since the incident. Knowing his father he was probably avoiding him as best he could. Leaving for work earlier and coming home late at night. He didn’t know if he could blame him or not though. He wasn’t sure, if he were his father, how he would react if he saw his son making out with his bosses’ kid… who just so happened to be another boy.



         It was a lot to take in a span of five minutes. His father didn’t even know that he, Adrian, was gay. And though he never voiced it, Adrian could tell that his father wasn’t the biggest fan of homosexuals. He was at least thankful that his father didn’t kick him out… yet.



         Adrian wasn’t exactly the most popular guy in town; far from it actually. He was more so the kid that all the jocks just loved to bully because of his taste in fashion, music… sex.



         He didn’t care though, not really. He never was one for social life. Besides he had a few good… well not really friends so much as acquaintances who didn’t hate him.



         His father was actually very supportive in his choices until that day a week ago. He always told Adrian that if he wanted something, go for it. And if he didn’t get what he wanted, try again. If people hated him for what he wanted he said, “Kid, if the sons of bitches at school hate you for something that you like just… just go tell them to fuck themselves, got it?”



         Adrian gave an appreciative laugh at his father’s saying. How many times that got him into trouble with people, he didn’t know. But he took it to heart and actually used it and that’s what matters… no matter how much it didn’t work.



         Another reason that people, mostly jocks, thought he was weird was because he actually had good hygiene and took care of himself. His hair was a dark chocolate brown that fell over his face to cover one azure eye, his skin was a ghostly pale but for some reason it didn’t make him look sick at all, instead it made him look elegant, he had long slender fingers and hands that a pianist would kill for, his skin was free from blemishes, he was tall but he wasn’t too tall, and his lips were colored a cherry red a lot of the time and it was natural. Jealousy was what it was.



         He groaned and hit his head softly against the wall. He was stupid to think his father wouldn’t find his own son in his bedroom making out with another male. It was stupid of him to think that his father, for once, wouldn’t come to tell him that dinner was ready. It was stupid of him to think that his father, for once, would knock instead of just entering. It was stupid of him to think that his father would just be jolly at the sight of his only child kissing and touching another male. It was stupid of him to think that his father would be okay with it and invite Derek, the guy he was kissing, to dinner. It was stupid of him to think that his father would want to get to know Derek, to question him to find out if he was worthy of his sixteen year old child. He was just plain stupid.



         No, instead his father had stopped talking to him. Instead his father now leaves for work before Adrian even wakens. Instead his father comes back home after Adrian is already asleep. Instead he ignores his son and pretends he doesn’t exist, that this situation doesn’t exist. But the fact of the matter was that it did… it did exist. Plain and simple.



         And there was nothing Adrian could do to change the course of time. No matter how much he wished it…



         Adrian slowly turned to face the Oak wood door and swallowed loudly. It was time to face the music of his actions.



         His soft footsteps echoed inside the halls of the house. Usually his home was loud and full of life, not dull and quiet like it was now. His father was usually in the kitchen making dinner and singing, quite badly also, to the sound of jazz and old-school rock ‘n’ roll. He loved that person. He wasn’t so sure if he loved the person who was now taking over his lovable father.



         He peaked around the corner of the door frame into the kitchen, his hair hiding both of his azure eyes, and saw that his father, was not at the stove as usual, but was sitting in silence grading some paper for one of his college students or another.



         Adrian’s heart beat rapidly in his chest as he frowned and worried his lip before ducking his head back behind the doorframe. Did he really want to confront his father? Was this really the best time? He wasn’t so sure anymore.



         But he knew he had to do it, sooner or later he would have to face his father and talk to him. They couldn’t live the rest of their lives living in silence and ignorance with each other. It just wasn’t possible. Adrian was only a sophomore in high school, which was at least a little more than two years until he moved out and went to college. He couldn’t last that long with his father ignoring him.



         His father was really his best friend. They used to do everything together. And though Adrian now hated it, he remembered when he loved playing baseball with his father in the yard while his mother was inside making lemonade and homemade peanut butter cookies.



         There was a kind smile on Ethan Newman’s aging face as he looked upon his eight year old son. What a sweet boy he was. “Come on Adrian, you can do it. I know you can.”



         Adrian, with his short brown hair and his twinkling eyes, squinted and gave a small smile as his father threw the ball softly toward him. Adrian bit his lip before swinging with all his might! The ball flew up into the air and Adrian ran with gusto towards his father.



         “Dad! I did it dad! I did it dad!” He said as he jumped up and down in excitement. It was his first time hitting the ball!



         Ethan smiled proudly at his son and ruffled his short hair. “You sure did.” He said softly and kindly.



         The two heard a sweet laugh and looked over toward a woman with light brown hair that fell down to the middle of her back smiling at the sight of them. “You two must be hungry and thirsty. Why don’t you come in and have some cookies and lemonade?” She said through her smiling. They didn’t know that within a few months she would no longer be alive.



         Adrian’s eyes lit up at the mention of yummy cookies. “Peanut butter?” He asked hopefully, bouncing on the balls of his feet.



         The woman, Brie, gave another laugh as she nodded. “Yes, peanut butter.  What else would it be?”



         “YAYYY!” Adrian than continued to run into the house at top speed to enjoy some of the last cookies his wonderful mom would ever make him.



         Adrian smiled sadly. That was the last time he and his father had ever played baseball. He didn’t care much for it now, nor did he care much for peanut butter cookies either.



         He tapped his nails softly against the wall and sighed heavily. He needed to make a choice… now. To face his father or to not face his father; that was the question.



         “Adrian,” He froze as he heard his father’s voice floating out from the kitchen. “Adrian, I know you’re outside the door. You aren’t very stealthy, you know.”



         Adrian closed his eyes tightly at the obvious reference to when he was going to sneak out because he had gotten grounded earlier in the day. Suffice to say it didn’t go over well… he had gotten caught in the first thirty seconds of stepping out of his room.



         He thought quickly. He had two choices. One; he could walk away from the door and leave, pretending that he had never been there and two; he could step through the door and face is father. He took a deep breath and chose the second option.



         Adrian and his father stared at each other, honey eyes gazing into azure ones. Adrian thought a thought that wasn’t well in timing. He was now wondering; who did he look like more? His mother or his father?



         He knew he had a mixture of his mom’s light hair and his dad’s dark hair, he had his mother’s eyes, his father’s nose, his father’s chin, his mother’s body type (regretfully), and his mother’s ears but he still didn’t know who he looked liked more. He also wondered how strange it was to think such things in times of intensity such as it was now.



         “Dad,” Adrian started quietly. “Dad, I’m sorry you had to find out like that. I wanted to be the one to tell you. I didn’t want you to have to witness that.” He said truthfully. He really did want to tell his father. He had actually been talking to Derek about coming out sometime soon to his father before things had started to get rather heated and a little more than PG.



         Ethan rubbed his eyes tiredly from behind glasses. This was putting a lot of stress on him and Adrian could tell. He didn’t like putting stress on his father when he owed so much to him. He hated making things harder than they already were.



         “It’s not your fault, I should’ve knocked. You’re a teenage boy. I should’ve known better than to barge in. For all I know you could’ve been…” His voice trailed off awkwardly and he started to cough as Adrian shifted his feet and blushed a deep red. “I just think I didn’t want to face that you weren’t my innocent little boy anymore.” He finished, looking anywhere but at Adrian.



         Adrian scoffed a little. “Dad, I haven’t been innocent since I was eight.” He said referring to the death of his mother. Ethan paled at the mention of it. “I saw my mother die. I saw as the light left her eyes. I was holding onto her, crying. I was there. You can’t see someone die and still say you’re innocent. It just… isn’t possible.” He finished a bit lamely.



         Ethan nodded, agreeing with the statement. “Yes, yes, I know that. But still, you’re my son. What could you expect?” Ethan looked up at Adrian and Adrian shrugged.



         “I’m not sure, acceptance?” He asked meaningfully.



         “Err…” Ethan started to shuffle his papers and put them into order though they were already impeccably neat. He clearly was hoping that this subject wouldn’t come up. “You know, son, I have a… a thing… to do at—at the college. Yes, at the college.” Ethan stood, grabbed his things, and made to leave but Adrian blocked his way.



         “I don’t really fucking care if you’ve got to go meet the Queen of England dad.” Ethan froze. He was shocked that his son had used that language. He had never heard him speak like that, though he, himself, had spoken like that on many occasions. “We need to talk about this. I can’t not talk about this. I need to know what your feelings are about it.” He said as he looked up at his father sadly but hopefully all the same.



         Ethan sighed and looked at the wall behind Adrian’s left ear. “I’m… I’m not sure I can accept this Adrian. The way I was taught… it didn’t agree with this.”



         Adrian chocked on a sob as he looked at his father with tears in his eyes. He hated his life so much. Why must it be his? Why couldn’t it be some dream? Some nightmare? Why couldn’t he just wake up? “But—but why? Why can’t you accept it, accept me?” He asked.



         “This is just too much Adrian. My beliefs, this doesn’t exactly follow the guidelines.” He said tonelessly.



         Adrian shook his head angrily. “Screw your guidelines!” He yelled. “You are my father! You are supposed to support me no matter what!” Adrian’s eyes started to leak tears and he felt as if his insides, his heart, was being sucked into a black hole. This wasn’t right. “You supported me when I said that I liked Photography better than sports. You supported me when I said my favorite color was purple instead of blue. You even supported me when I wanted to play with Barbie Dolls instead of action figures for Christ’s sake!” Adrian thought he heard his father mumble something along the lines of, “You were five…” but ignored it. “Why can’t you support me on this?” He asked so quiet that he could barely hear himself.



         Ethan opened his mouth before closing it and taking a breath through his nose. He then opened his mouth once more. “Those were little things, Adrian, this is no little thing. You—you like… men.” Ethan grimaced at the thought.



         Adrian swallowed down the bile that threatened to burst through. This wasn’t fair. What did he do to deserve such a homophobic father? It just was not fair. “So, that’s it then? That’s all you have to say?” He asked after a few minutes of silence. “You’re just going to stop talking to me? Just like that? I’m your son. You do know what that means right? I’m the person you used to play around with. Play ball, eat cookies and drink lemonade. I’m the person you used to give piggy back rides too, you remember all the times you helped me with my homework?” Ethan determinedly stared anywhere but at Adrian. “You’re the one who told me that if people didn’t like that I liked something to tell them to ‘fuck off’. Do you remember that?” Adrian asked as he fought off the rest of the tears.



         Ethan shook his head. “Yes, I remember that. But I said the people at school, didn’t I?” Adrian took in a sharp breath and nodded before choking on his breath. He wouldn’t let that man see him cry. He couldn’t let him see him cry.



         Ethan walked out of the door and Adrian collapsed to the floor in heart braking tears. His own father hated him. But he didn’t see him give him a sad and hesitant look before shutting the door with a snap on his way to work.