An Interview with Death

Throughout the history of the universe Death has been a thriving business, and has constantly flourished while others have failed. Now we take a look behind the success and at the inner workings of Death with this exclusive interview between interviewer Mark Zenya and Death’s spokesman who identified himself as D. Most of the questions were sent in from readers.


MZ: Well, first off, thank you for coming.

D: No problem.

MZ: Now, right off the bat, you have come under some criticism, especially under recent events. What are some misconceptions about your company that you feel leads to this criticism?

D: Well, the most common is something like “some drunk driver killed my friend, why didn’t you take the driver instead of my friend” or something like that. We didn’t kill his friend, some stupid driver did, we just file him away.

MZ: Along the same lines, you have been portrayed in several films, what misconceptions are present in them?

D: You mean like the grim reaper look…

MZ: Yeah, or things like that…

D: Well, the whole reaper outfit clearly violates the dress code, I mean try and file away files and type up forms with all of that *expletive* on. Suit and tie are required, except Fridays where you can wear a Hawaiian shirt. Also most have this powder white face which just looks unhealthy. If someone showed up to work like that then we would recommend they consult a physician… or get a tan.

MZ: Now you have been in business for a long time now through many technological developments. Have these increased your amount of business, and if so, what are your thoughts on this increase?

D: Well, there has been a slight increase, not much. We tend not to like it because it increases the amount of paper work. We have to update our forms to account for these developments.

MZ: Any in particular?

D: Well certain poisons that take a while, like some take a month. I mean we have to be ready when they go in a coma, and sometimes we just find ourselves saying “come on, come on, just die already. We have other stuff to do today.”

MZ: It’s time consuming then?

D: Very. Sometimes we wish we were dead.

MZ: Now not only have you been through several technological advances, but you have also been through several economic up’s and downs. Have you ever been negatively affected by such periods?

D: No, we stay pretty consistent, you know. When the economy is up it’s because people are stabbing others in the back so our business goes up, and then when it is down then the suicide rate goes up. Recently one guy killed his wife, five daughters, and then himself because he and his wife got laid off from their job, which is great for us since we can file them in one form, cutting back on the paper work.

MZ: Now there are a lot of questions as to what happens after death, such as good going to heaven, and the bad going to hell. Is this true?

D: Well, for a while we had considered adding a facility for that sort of setup, but then it was decided that there would be too much paperwork involved so we scrapped it.

MZ: So where do people go after death? Like the evil?

D: We don’t judge them, we just file them. We send them in the outgoing pile and they are someone else’s problem then.

MZ: It sounds like paperwork plays a pivotal role in your business.

D: Oh yeah. It is really time consuming, and annoying. Especially since we still use typewriters, so one typo and you have to start all over.

MZ: So death still hasn’t managed to advance to the 21st century, huh?

D: The president of the company is a Technophobe.

MZ: Now I have some names here of people who are still alive, that the readers would like you to explain. Starting with Keith Richards.

D: We don’t really know what happened there. We’re thinking a typo maybe, or a lost file.

MZ: Fidel Castro.

D: He is another we don’t really know either, but he smokes a lot of cigars, so he shouldn’t be too long.

MZ: Rosie O'Donnell

D: …Give us time.

MZ: Now it is hard to find information on how to contact you, such as a phone number or email. Why is that?

D: Well simply put it’s because we would get a bunch of idiots calling and asking when they are going to die and stuff like that.

MZ: Well there goes my next question of when I am going to die. Haha.

D: Haha, well all I have to say is be careful driving home tonight. Haha

MZ: Haha. Any other reasons why?

D: Well we get the occasional guy, or gal as it might be, asking us to say hi to their mother or something.

MZ: What do you tell them?

D: Usually “We can’t…she is dead. She has just been sent to the outgoing pile.” And then we hang up.

MZ: Do you get any reactions when someone first shows up, fresh from being dead.

D: Well you will always get the guy who says “I’m not dead, I know it.” And we calmly tell them “we haven’t made a mistake yet.” “Are you sure I am dead?” “As a fried oyster.” And then there are those who think they are in heaven, and they are dumb enough to ask “am I in heaven now?” and I say “Yes, this is what heaven looks like, a cubical in an office building in New York. Congratulations, go grab a cup of coffee and a doughnut you lucky dead bastard.”

MZ: Do animals show up?

D: No, that is a separate department.

MZ: Anything strange ever show up?

D: Well, there was this one guy, Johnny Elk, who was born without a waist, so we have the waist in our office and it is just waiting for the rest of him.

MZ: Where do you keep it?

D: It is standing next to the coffee machine. We serve cookies off it.

MZ: To wrap things up, any response to the comments that you should just stop business?

D: Well, just imagine a world without our business. There would be relatives that you just wish would just go away, but won’t because there is no death, or evil people would be around forever, and people wouldn’t appreciate life as much…and there would be a butt-load of rabbits.

MZ: Anything else you would like to say to the people reading?

D: Yeah. Thank you for your kind and avid attention, and I will be seeing you soon.

In memory of Mark Zenya, who tragically died in a car accident on the way home from the interview.