Second Best

What am I but a raw,imperfect,battered and bruised up human?
Than someone who can become upset, who can show her emotions, who cares for the
people that hurt her the most, can even be come possible to hanging out with?
A person who has values, concrete beliefs, and opinions and doesn't think everything is okay
for a friend or anyone to do when asked?
Who will tell you whats wrong.
Who in the hell would want to hang out with a person like me?
Someone who's gonna call you out and tell you when your screwing up.
Who's going to be your friend...no matter how low graded you may put me in your importance chart.

Sometimes perfect is overrated. And sometimes it's exactly, and not so exactly
what we put in it's little black box with a pretty pink ribbon.
Here I am, vunerable as hell opening up for whatever is going to hit me next.
So here I go.
So since I'm this theatre,show choir, all of these extracurricular activites
and writes poetry and so on and so forth,perhaps you may think I'm this overachieving
good grade perfect angel kid right?
Let me tell you straight up, I am far from perfect. Which is when we come into the realization that NO ONE
is perfect. Not even Opra, or Mother Theresa. Okay maybe not in that order...though I think
Mother Theresa is going to be named a saint now, but anywho....
Perfection does not exsist. The weird thing is, even when people say that, and claim
that they don't think in "that way" we ALL have expectations as humans.
Some way higher than others.
Actually, a majority higher than others.
Is not the expectations we have for food,acting,writing,music,clothes,or even people
a form of perfectionism? There is "certain way" we want something. And if it is not
met that requirement,it is not to our satisfaction, our "perfection".
I feel like that has been that way with friends sometimes.
Wouldn't you say a "perfect" friend would always agree with you, no matter what you do
and always have your back getting you out of a trouble you were both in?
It's beautiful perfect friendship at the first layer of it.
Someone who thinks like you, parties with you,and agrees with anything and everything
you do good or bad is amazing!
You NEVER have to argue, you never have to go through those fights you
think are parenting, none of that!
But are you really being yourself?
You do something stupid,that friend justifying that stupidity for fun
so therefore, there goes your value. The very things you set in motion before you became
this unconsequental high.
Then where did the people who warned you go?
Did you mean to hurt them? They, calling for you, always around the corner...while you cry
to the bottle.
What happened to your importance then?

Imperfect comes with the consequence of the fact that you did wrong.
I screwed up.
People say I have a "way with words". I took that to an extreme.
I didn't want to ask for help. I want to be miss independent Kaitlyn who doesn't need her family
or friends help when she needs it. I thought I could handle it.
Turned out, I couldn't. The sad thing is, almost truly losing my role in a play scared it out of me.
Why didn't anything else? Because I was living in a world of doubt.
A lot of things just happened to fall into my lap all at once,
and instead of being a responsible student and taking control around the bumps,
I took the intial reaction,hitting the gas head on and was a foolish
teenager.
Empty new year and uncontrollable feelings got me trying to forget everything.
But here I came into school, a walking talking contridiction to the words from back in October
"I'm gonna change".
A slap in the face finally got me to shut up and pop the bubble from which I was hiding in
my world of words and excuses.
Now the only I have to say is the notes in my class, and the apoligies I constantly feel like
I have to make.
But I really need to say 'I'm sorry' to myself.
I got bashed all week pretty hard, even by the people who love me the most...and no matter
how much I say what I'm doing, or gonna do....it has no value anymore until I prove it.
And slowly but surely I hope they see that. But until then..I just need to keep my mouth sealed.

My friends, have been constantly yo-yoing into the pool of understanding....
one time I think I'm happy with one person...the next I realize that I was hiding behind
excuse after excuse.
We can all be simplistic and happy to a certain level...until we become foolish,
misleading,arrogant,stubborn,apathetic,iresponsable and lazy.
Sometimes, all we need is a huge kick in the ass from someone to realize that we wern't being
ourselves.

Have you ever found that one person who seems to consume a room? Who even if you performed your
heart out, or took hours to make yourself look amazing and they're just wearing
a t-shirt and jeans can steal every glance and ounce of attention from you and make you feel like
dirt?
Doesn't that feeling make you feel unimportant,unattrative,bitter,and all around
Second Best?
Even someone who use to put all their attention to you and trust you with everything
when you did the WORLD for them even when they screwed up bad...goes to that person who didn't do squat for them or even
cares and claim they are just as good of friends.
Have you ever felt a package deal with someone?
Not an individul but the "other".
Not even equal at that really.
The understudy,the short stick,the moldy peach,the 3 legged dog,the second best.
Even when you try to point this out...you'll be attacked.
Your not an individual, but so-n-so is better.
Stick with that and you'll be safe sweetheart.
Because if I try to be the individual, the voice,the reason..
I'm apparently the bad guy.
Because apparently truth,value,and friend...don't mean a thing.
Because "individual" is selfish.
Because apparently,
everyone is narrow-mindly blind.
Except one.
But I still feel so wrong for saying so.
-kc