Romance Removed

He left me a long time ago. I was at sea, he was at home, and so was his coworker... his female coworker. She was my friend, or so I thought. Apparently she was using anything I said to him to make him think I was being unfaithful to him. I told him I thought I might be pregnant. Instead of being thrilled, he accused me of cheating on him. It turned out I wasn’t pregnant. Then it turned out that he was cheating on me.

It wasn’t always like that. When I met him, he was charm itself. I was lonely... my fiancé was in another state... I was only nineteen and alone for the first time in my adult life. No one to make sure I didn’t stay out late, no one to tell all the names of who I’d be going out with. I was free to do as I pleased... regardless of the consequences I would have to face.

Charm itself... This new guy was twenty-seven, and he knew every move, every syllable to utter to turn my legs into jelly. As soon as we both had cell phones, he would call me every day, several times a day. He would text me cute little messages. I love you. I miss you. I need you. When can we be together? Evil grin.

I left my fiancé for him, this new guy. He made it seem like the right choice. He always made me feel so good about myself, telling me I was drop-dead gorgeous and any guy who would rather make promises and let me down than come visit me three states away was a moron. I was intelligent and beautiful and charming and imaginative and quirky. Who wouldn’t want that?

He did everything possible to be with me, maxing out his credit cards on hotels so we could spend a few hours in privacy together. He would take me out to dinner, buy me little gifts, all to keep my attention on him. It was so easy for him... I was too easy.

He was so sly with his comments that I didn’t even notice when they began to degrade who I was. He would ask so sweetly what I wanted to do that weekend. If it didn’t interest him, he would actually say, “No, let’s go do this instead,” not even giving me the option. Anxious to please, I would go with it, not realizing I had just been trampled. He started telling me certain things I would do were, "childish," or, "stupid." I would be hurt, and I would say as much. Then I would change my actions anyway.

We eloped in Colorado.

I trusted him with my life. I thought he could trust me with his. Little things. He never really did tell me he trusted me. He couldn’t trust me because in order to be with him, I had to leave someone else. He couldn’t trust me because I always kept a part of my heart for that love lost. He couldn’t trust me because I was flirtatious. He couldn’t trust me alone with other guys in a group, let alone one on one. He couldn’t trust me out with only women, I might flirt with a random guy.

I fought it. “I love you!” I would cry over the phone, tears streaming down my face. We were never together. He was in the Army, and I was in the Navy. We only saw each other twice a year for the following four years. It wasn’t as if there was any other option. I didn’t think there was.

For four years he tried to get me to lose weight. I would yo-yo back and forth, dancing in success and then wallowing in my weight gain. “How can I trust you when you can’t keep even a simple promise like that?” he would say. I would promise him to lose weight, eager as always to please. That’s when I found out what he really wanted.

“I’ve made a mistake,” he cried over the phone to me. He was telling me he had cheated on me with his coworker. I forgave him... why wouldn’t I? Then he began telling me why. “She wears makeup to make herself look good for me, why don’t you? She constantly tells me how much she adores me... why don’t you? She’s in great shape and is getting better all the time. Why don’t you?”

It hurt. It hurt in the worst way to hear that. How shallow. Makeup? He wanted me to wear makeup? I should have left him then. Right then. But I still loved him, no matter the pain he was causing. I believed divorce wasn't an option. What could I do?

It was two years later that I finalized a divorce... I think I made my decision when he said I shouldn’t answer the door in what I was wearing, “Because you’re fat.” But when I look back, I realize that he left me a long time before that... he left me when he decided he wanted makeup over intelligence, a trophy wife over one who would love him for who he was.

I never learned to understand him. But in all of that, I will always remember falling in love with him... and falling out of love with a total stranger.