I'll give you something to cry about

The dark at night scares me sometimes. I lay awake with my covers pulled over my head shaking. When I do sleep it is an uneasy sleep, riddled with nightmares that I’d rather not start to describe. Sometimes I sleep easily and the dark scares me not at all. When I was ten years old I crept down the stairs at night to see if Santa Claus had left me any presents. I opened the front room door and caught my mother giving my uncle Graeme a blowjob. She reeled as if receiving a great shock. My uncle just looked at me and called me a stupid fucking kid. When I was nine I remember coming home from school to find a police car parked outside my house on the street. My dad had been smashed to bits in a three car pile-up on the motorway. He died in allot of pain over the course of about half an hour. He was calling my mother’s name. She never got there in time.  When I was 18 I began to sniff glue. When I was 20 I smashed some guys head open with a piece of brick and left him to die in the street. When I was 25 I ate a piece of my mates shit for a bet and puked up in the bath. I’m 29 nearly. For my birthday this year I will go home and visit my Mother. She’s married to my uncle Graeme now. She’s an alcoholic and she cries all the time. He drinks a lot too. He also fucks her in the arse and tells all the guys in the pub how much of a big slag his wife is when he’s had too many beers. I’m going to go home for my birthday. I’m going to beat my uncle to death with a hammer. I’m going to make him cry like a little girl. Then I’m going to hang myself in my mother’s front room so the bitch can walk in on me hanging and have something real to fucking cry about.

    I went fishing yesterday. I fucking hated it. My friend Ralph tried to show me what to do and I couldn’t do it so I threw his stupid rod in the river and told him if he came anywhere near me I’d rip his throat out. I went for a jog after I got in. I lasted eight minutes. That the best I’ve ever done without stopping. I watched BBC two for a few hours after that and then cried. I cried until my eyes hurt then I threw a chair into my book shelf. The chair smashed to bits and my copy of For Whom The Bell Tolls ended up with a massive dent in the spine. Fuck Ernest Hemmingway. My friend Dave told me the other day that Ernest Hemingway invented the Mojito. Fuck my friend Dave too. Cocktails are for people with too much money and not enough class. I open doors for ladies and wash my hands after a shit and I say please and thank you and I wear a tie to funerals and I watch foreign films with subtitles. Does that mean I have class? Probably not. But I dare any cocktail drinking fuck to tell me I haven’t to my face. I’d leave them dead face down in a beck.

         The umbrella I found in the pub is of quite a good quality. Not that I know anything about fucking umbrellas but I find I like to use this one. Its rains and I use it to walk to the shop. I feel a bit like a gentle man and start to hum some stupid tune I make up as I go along. I see a couple of scally kids walking up the path towards me. I start to get angry. I know they’re going to take the piss out of me. They get closer and I bite my lip because as soon as they speak I’m going to kick the living shit out of them. They walk past. They keep their heads down and don’t say a word. I recognise the one on the left as the gobby fuck who gave me shit for reading poetry in the park. I don’t blame him for not opening his mouth this time.

         I try to sleep. It’s a bad night tonight. A fly buzzes round my room and I don’t know where it is because every time I turn the light on it disappears. When I do get to sleep I dream that I’m crawling in mud until it’s all in my face and I start to swallow it down and choke on it. I jump up gasping for air. I hear the fly buzzing round and round. I shout and storm downstairs and swipe a coffee mug of the table which smashes on the wall leaving a dirty big brown stain. I shout fucks sake because I realise it’s the only coffee mug in the house and I really fancy a coffee. I’m an absolute nob sometimes. I’ll be the first person to admit it. I must like being like this because I’ve never tried to change. I wait until Dinner time and I phone my mother. How’re you mother I ask. Fine she says how’re you son you still taking your medicine. I lie and say yes and we talk shit for a minute and I tell her I’m coming down and she stutters a bit and I hang up. You should fucking stutter too. I’m going to give you something you can stutter about for a long fucking time.

         I sit with the TV on and cry. I ring up my ex girlfriend who I haven’t spoke too in 3 years and she hangs up on me straight away. I punch the wall until my knuckle feels like it’s broken. It swells up all purple and bleeds.

         I buy a train ticket off an Asian man who looks like he’s got Down syndrome. I go in the shop in the station and walk straight back out because there charging seventy fucking pence for a mars bar. Cunts. I feel sick and get on the train. The hammer in my bag digs into my side so I lift my bag up and put it on the rail above me. A girl sat in front of me smells like perfume from school discos from years ago. I smile and I think of the time I poked Kristina Reeves behind the big tree at the back of the school field when we were pissed after our third year Christmas ball. She was a slag and ended up dying of a heroin overdose when she was 19 and on the game. My mate James used to go out with her sister.

         The pub I used to work in has changed its name to the Cock and Rooster. I laugh for about a minute. I go in the shop next to the top of my old street and buy a Turkish delight for my mother. I think they taste disgusting but the old fuck seems to like them.

         My mother went to work and made me promise to behave and to leave the chips for tea when she gets in so I’m eating chips and laughing at the mess Graeme’s face is in after I hammered his fat fucking head to mush. I don’t want to hang myself anymore now. I finish my chips and drop the plate on the floor. I turn on the telly and sit and wait for mother.