The Trouble With Bricks 6

Chapter Six – Cleotus Gets Drafted

         I think it’s probably a good time to check back up with Cleotus. As you’ll recall, (and maybe you don’t, but it’s only been a few chapters, so come on) Cleotus was swallowed by Barry and Mr. Fluffkins right on the shore of the Great River of Lard. He was then transported to the kingdom of Bricks , the evil, often insane but never duplicated, jazz musician.
         Now traveling inside of Barry and Mr. Fluffkins was not like riding in a limo. There was no wet bar, Jacuzzi (unless you counted the stomach acid), and you definitely couldn’t stick your head out of the sunroof, unless you wanted it bitten off. Needless to say, Cleotus was bored in two minutes flat.
         After scouring through the dark, dank stomach for what seemed like days but was, in fact, only ten minutes, Cleotus had discovered a half-digested soda can, five large rocks, the half-digested body of a local mob informant, and Jerome, the unluckiest wallaby in all of the Land of the Misbegotten Woe (Also half-digested, but still pretty much alive). To say they formed a fast friendship is a little like saying that Pinocchio had a big nose.
         Once they found each other, it wasn’t long before they busied themselves by playing annoying little games, like I-Spy, What’s that Smell?, and the ever favorite What did I hit you with? After a few minutes of such shenanigans, they settled down, in the dark, to swap tales.
         “Look mate, me and me pals were hopping along, having a little fun, singing one of me favorite songs, called ‘Hickory Willow, Willow Hickory’, minding our own business really, and alls of a sudden we come up to this circus.”
         “Hey,” interjected Cleotus, “I think I might know that circus.”
         “Right mate,” agreed Jerome, “you already told me about that one. Anyway, me pal Dupo says ‘Why don’t we go have a look see?’ and I thought that was right smart, so we goes in and has a try at the Guess the Hair game. Well, me other pal Rob, well, he keeps eating the hair ball and then sorta coughs it back up again. After doing that about four times, I guess the game sorta got mad and fell on top of him. Squished him flat.”
         “Wow”, commented Cleotus, at just the right time, which is odd because usually he was a beat off.
         “Yeah,” agreed Jerome, who was a beat off but Cleotus didn’t catch it. “So anyway, me and Dupo, we take off out of there like Lenny, the Reaper of Other’s Misfortunes was after us.”
         “Hold on a second,” said Cleotus. “Now, who’s this Lenny character?”
         Jerome stared in disbelief, which Cleotus couldn’t see because it was so dark, so the way Jerome looked was kind of irrelevant. “Are you telling me, mate that you never once heard of Lenny, the Reaper of Other’s Misfortunes?”
         “Yeah,” agreed Cleotus, “never heard of him.”
         “Well don’t that just wing-woodler in your snuff-wagon? Now, where do you come from again?”
         “Somewhere else,” admitted Cleotus.
         “Oh, that’s right. That’s right. It near slipped me head. It’s just a little hard to hear sometimes on account of me ear being half digested and all. Anyway, there was this wallaby one time, a name of Lenny. Now, Lenny was the sort of wallaby that would laugh whenever bad things happened to other people.
         “If your house blew down, you could bet that Lenny would be right there, laughing at you. If you happened to accidentally melt half your face off with acid, there’d be Lenny laughing away. Well, needless to say, the folks of his village got mighty tired of hearing that laugh. So the villagers played a couple of blokes to play this prank on Lenny and then the whole village would laugh at him. Teach him a lesson, right?
         “They were gonna play a simple trick on Lenny. You know, one of them would get on his hands and knees behind Lenny, while the other one pushed and Lenny would fall to the ground. And that was all fun and games, except, the blokes that they paid weren’t exactly on the bright side of thinking. The two blokes pulled their little trick at the top of a forty-foot cliff.
         “Well, one bloke got down and the other pushed Lenny and Lenny fell off the cliff, over some sharp rocks, through some barbed wire, and on top of a land mine, which blew him fifty feet into the air, right through all the branches of one of those thorny trees, down a hill full of broken glass and unused razor blades and into the shark-infested pond. As the villagers pointed their fingers and laughed at him, Lenny pronounced a final curse on all wallabies.
         “With his final breath, he said that he’d be there. He’d be there whenever any wallaby fell down. He’d be there whenever any wallaby banged his head accidentally. He’d be there whenever anything bad happen. And he’d laugh. Oh, how he’d laugh. Even though he was dead, he’d always be there, in spirit, to laugh at the misfortunes of others.”
         Cleotus shivered in the dark. “Wow, that’s kind of creepy.”
         “Yeah, isn’t it,” agreed Jerome. “So, anyway, that’s Lenny’s story and all. Now, where was I? Oh, yeah. So me and me mate Dupo were running away from this circus and Dupo, he sees this ride called ‘The Lazy Stream of Bacteria’ and he just has to ride it. Well, I hang outside and that’s when this lightning bolt comes along and slams right into the building. Well, the whole thing goes up in flames and just collapses. I’ve never seen nothing like it before or since. So, I run away and this big, two-headed cat eats me.”
         “The same thing happened to me.” Cleotus exclaimed.
         Suddenly the stomach gave a strong lurch, knocking Cleotus and Jerome off their feet. One more strong lurch and the two of them were suddenly vomited from out of the stomach, through the windpipe and out onto a cobblestone floor, where it was cold and they were covered in bile.
         The room they had been deposited into was almost completely dark, except for the light of two lone torches that adorned the north and south walls. In front of them, three broad steps rose up to a dais, where a large throne rested. On top of that throne, immersed in shadows, sat Bricks.
         Now, Bricks wasn’t always insane and evil. He had been a child once. He had pooped in his diaper and said “Ga-ga, Goo-goo” on occasion. As a teenager, he had possessed an unhealthy fascination with jazz, but even that was kept moderately in control. No, it wasn’t until his adult years that Bricks had gone completely nuts.
         Barry, standing just behind Cleotus and Jerome spoke. “Aargh. Shiver me poopdeck. We brought the prisoners as you commanded.”
         Softly, Cleotus could hear, the sound of a poorly beaten bongo drum. A near disembodied voice spoke from the throne. “Yeah, man, that’s cool. Like, that was fast, man.”
         “Aargh,” replied Barry.
         Bricks reached up and turned on the lamp that stood next to his throne, causing himself to blink rapidly. “Oh, man, that’s bright. Oh, yeah, Barry and Mr. Fluffkins, go get yourself a heaping mound of grub for a job well done.”
Barry and Mr. Fluffkins slowly departed the cavernous room. As soon as they had left, Bricks, after rubbing some jello into his armpits, turned his dreadlocked attention on Cleotus and Jerome.
         “So, what have we here, man. You’re like a man and you’re not. What are you, like some kind of wild boar?”
         “I’m a wallaby, mate.” Jerome answered affably.
         “Silence,” Jerome cried out as he grabbed a brick from off the top of a pile near his throne and lobbed it at Jerome, hitting Cleotus in the chest. “No talking until I say so, man. Man, you gotta learn early on that when I talk, you listen. You dig?”
         “Whatever you say, mate.”
         “Silence!” Bricks threw another brick at Jerome, which again struck Cleotus just as he was rising from the floor. “Guys, or man and boar, like you have been chosen to become part of my army. Congratulations. Now, we’re gonna give you some jobs to keep you right on. Those duties will be assigned to you by Captain Fritter. You dig? Captain Fritter!”
         Captain Fritter, a man-sized beetle, walking erect, left the darkness and approached Cleotus and Jerome, screaming as he walked.
         “All right, you pukes. You’re coming with me and no funny stuff or I’ll smack you good.”
         “Captain,” said Bricks, as he stood on his head on the throne.
         “Yes sir.”
         “Like, don’t berate the new recruits until after you’ve left my presence. It’s really hurting my noggin, man.”
         Captain Fritter saluted with at least two of his arms. “Yes, sir. Right, sir. Very good, sir.”
         “Like, you can go, man.” Bricks waved his hand in dismissal, as he jumped off the throne and began acting like a chicken.
         On cue, Captain Fritter gathered up Cleotus and Jerome and ushered them out of the throne room and down a hallway. As soon as they were out of earshot, he began to scream at them.
         “Now listen here, you maggots, I ain’t got all day. Let’s move it before I get really angry.”
         “Could you get any angrier than what you are now?” Cleotus asked.
         Red-faced, for a beetle, Captain Fritter turned fully on Cleotus and began half-spitting and half-yelling directly into his face. “What was that, you smack-faced bag of meat? Did my ears betray me or did you think about speaking back to your superior officer?”
         Cleotus carefully reached up to wipe the thin glaze of spit from his face. “Hey, say it don’t spray it. Okay?”
         Captain Fritter, not entirely sure how to treat Cleotus, turned and began to lead the recruits down the hallway again.
         “Out of the graciousness of Lord Bricks’ heart, you will each receive a cot, one square meal a day and all the prune juice you can drink. You will be issued a uniform as well as a new job assignment. Private Kangaroo, your new job assignment will be Court Jester.”
         “I’m a wallaby, mate.”
         Captain Fritter again stopped abruptly so he would have ample time to yell and spit in Jerome’s face. “You will not speak unless told to do so! Is that understood, you useless sack of ball bearings?”
         Jerome, after wiping his face off, nodded his head. Captain Fritter continued. “And you, Private Big Dumb Goof, you’re new job assignment will be bagger.”
         “What’s a bagger?” Cleotus asked. “Is that like someone that bags groceries?”
         “No! A bagger is someone that walks through the woods and picks up the bear poop.”
         *                    *                    *                    *                    *                    *
         Cleotus was assigned the North Quadrant of the Ninety-Nine Acre Woods, which basically ran from the Meadows of Fig Newton all the way to the Jackaninny Cliffs. If this confuses you, that’s all right, but there will be a test later.
         Cleotus was given a sharp stick and a bag, with instructions to pick up any stray poo he might find. He was paired up with another fellow that looked surprisingly like Bricks in a large rainbow-colored wig. To anyone besides Cleotus, this would not be surprising as most could tell that this was Bricks in a very flimsy disguise. Cleotus, however, was completely fooled.
         “So,” started Cleotus, attempting to kick start a conversation with his fellow bagger, “have you been bagging a long time?”
         “Oh no, man. Like I just joined up. The Man’s been keeping me down and I needed a change of scenery. You dig?”
         Cleotus stopped and looked around suspiciously. “The Man? Who’s that?”
         “You know, The Man. It’s the establishment. It’s anybody keeping you down. It’s The Man.”
         Cleotus wasn’t so easily fooled with a logical explanation. “No, really. Who’s The Man?”
         “Oh, man, you know. The Man is the one keeping us regular workers down. He’s the boot of the establishment. Like, if you were digging a hole, The Man would be the one telling you how far to dig. You dig?”
         “I don’t get it.”
         “Okay, man, let’s just do what we do. Hey look over there. There’s a huge hunk of bear poop, man.”
         Bricks pointed over to a tree that held an enormous beehive. Under the branches of the tree, in a massive lump, lay an enormous mound of poop.
         Bricks slapped Cleotus on the shoulder. “Go get it man. It’s all yours.”
         “All right,” Cleotus yelled as he charged forward, like a nerd that finally got picked for kickball. He took a moment to examine the large gooey mess before coming to a conclusion. “Hey, I don’t think this pointed stick’s gonna be much use.”
         Bricks, who had been shoving large armfuls of pinecones into his pants, paused to consider. “Yeah, maybe you’re right, man. You need something big and flat. Hey, I know. You need a shovel.”
         “Yeah,” answered Cleotus, “that would be great. But where could I get one way out here.”
         He began looking around desperately for something to use as a scoop, until his eyes rested on the beehive. A smile extended on his broad face.
         “I’ve got an idea.”
         Bricks slowly backed away. “Yeah, that’s great, man. You go do that. I’m gonna go somewhere else for a second.”
         Bricks turned and ran as far as he could. After all, he was crazy, but not stupid.
Cleotus, however, was taking down the beehive. Something, call it fate, kismet, or Mother Nature in a pair of waders, was smiling down on him. The beehive hadn’t been used by any proper bees since the Great Bee Migration of ’63, when all the bees left the Ninety-Nine Acre Woods and went to a pancake house instead. The only bees left in this particular hive, were a couple of squatter bees, and even they were gone at the moment. That morning, one of them had a real big hankering for some petunias.
         Cleotus, after doing his duty, quickly caught up with Bricks, who was lying in a short ditch and covered in tree bark. He quickly sat up in surprise.
         “Hey, you’re not dead, man.”
         “Why would I be dead?”
         “No reason,” Bricks answered, as he rose from the ditch, dusted himself off, and jumped into a bush. “Hey, do you like jazz music?”
         Cleotus scratched his chin in thought. “I don’t know. I don’t think I’ve ever heard jazz music before.”
         The rainbow wig, quickly followed by Brick’s eyes popped out of the top of the bush. “Wow, man. Really? That’s cool. Cause I think I’ve got some you could listen to if you want. I mean, I think Bricks has some jazz you could hear some time. You dig?”
         “Yeah, okay,” agreed a very agreeable Cleotus, as they began walking again.
         *                    *                    *                    *                    *                    *
         At roughly noon, they stopped for lunch, or like it was called in the Kingdom of Bricks : Time to eat. Cleotus had to scour through the forest for nuts, berries and the occasional squirrel, while Bricks simply opened his knapsack and pulled out a large roast beef sandwich on rye.
         “Hey, I’ve got an idea,” said Cleotus in between bites of squirrel tail. “How about the next time we come across some bear poop, you can pick it up?”
         Bricks nearly gagged on his sandwich. “Whoa. Wait a minute, man. Remember, I’m letting you get the valuable training here.”
         “Yeah, you’re right,” agreed Cleotus, as he stretched out against a nearby tree. “Man, I sure my buddy Jerome was here. I wonder what he’s doing right now.”
         Jerome was actually in his dressing room at that moment coming up with some pretty good material for tonight’s banquet. And by material, I mean jokes. And by banquet, I mean that Bricks was eating by himself, as usual.
         “Yeah, man,” said Bricks, “it’s good to have friends, right? I mean, if was to have any friends, I’d pick like someone really cool, you know? Like that guy Bricks. He seems pretty cool.”
         “I don’t know,” said Cleotus. “He’s seems a little jumpy to me.”
         “Jumpy! Silence, peasant!” Quickly, Bricks reached around for a brick, but couldn’t find one. “I mean, like wow. Why do you say he’s jumpy, man? He seems cool to me.”
         “I don’t know. He yelled and threw bricks at me.”
         “Well, maybe that’s how he shows affection, man. Maybe his dad beat him with bricks as a kid and that’s the only way he knows how to show affection or something. I’m just guessing, man.”
         “Yeah, maybe,” said Cleotus. Slowly, he stood and looked around. “Well, are you ready to get going? That poop ain’t gonna pick up itself.” Something behind a nearby tree caught his eye. “Hey, what’s that?”
         Bricks quickly sat up straighter and wiped the excess roast beef off his face. “What?”
         Cleotus had moved beyond the tree and was grabbing a large furry object from off the ground. As soon as Bricks got a good glimpse of the object, he began to slowly back away.
         “Hey, man, you better put that down,” he cautioned. “You know, mama bears don’t like their cubs handled like…”
         But it was too late. A loud roar signaled the approach of the mother bear and Cleotus and Bricks took off at a dash. The mother bear, a little over seven feet and full of muscles and claws, bounded after them, slowly getting closer.
         Bricks glanced over to see how Cleotus was faring and noticed that the boy still had the bear cub in his arms. “Man, maybe you ought to put that thing down.”
         “I would,” answered Cleotus, “but I think it might slow me down.”
         The mother bear, which was within five feet of Cleotus’ back gave a loud roar and put on a burst of speed. It got steadily closer, so close, in fact, that it could smell the odor of Cleotus. Its nose twitched slightly in response, but it continued on.
         Bricks, looking ahead, noticed first that they were within fifty feet of the Jackaninny Cliffs. “Cleotus, we’ve got to do something, man. Throw the cub over your shoulder.”
         Giving a slight shrug, Cleotus followed his advice and chucked the cub up and over his shoulder. The cub rolled a few times in the air before crashing directly into the face of the mother bear, knocking her out cold. Cleotus and Bricks stopped for just enough time to look at each other then they both took off at a run toward the cover of the forest.
         *                    *                    *                     *                     *                     *
         A few miles into the forest, they stopped and rested on a fallen tree. Cleotus took a moment to wipe the sweat from his forehead and glance over at Bricks. During their brief run through the forest, the rainbow wig had fallen from his head, revealing his now famous dreadlocks.
         Cleotus’ mind slowly came to a conclusion. “I think I know you form somewhere.”
         “Yeah, man,” Bricks stated, resignedly. “It’s me, Bricks.”
         “No wait. Don’t tell me. Do you work at the Gas-N-Go?”
         “No, man. Like, I’m Bricks.”
         “Oh, yeah,” said Cleotus, like a car coming to a complete stop.
         “You know, I like your moves, man. Like, I could really use someone like you on my team. Want to be my second in command?”
         Cleotus thought long on hard on the subject before responding. “Sure, why not.”