A Memory Alive

I breathed in deeply, let the air touch the very depth of my rather tired soul , held it in for a while, then let it go out just the very same way .. turning everything in its one-second-trip into dust and ashes. My mind was so crowded with thoughts that I couldn't really tell which is which. White sand covered my toes, tickling me so softly that I wouldn't have noticed, if I were in the state of my normal peace of mind. Today was different.Today is just an ordinary day.

I laid back my head, closed my eyes and concentrated on my uneven breathing.I could almost hear my heartbeats beating harder than drums announcing the arrival of a brutal battle., driving the indulging silence to an end. When I reopened my heavy eyes, I realized that it was almost sunrise.Obviously, I lost track of time, which is not like me at all ! .Eyes half-open , I saw the sun rising on my horizon, the sky brushed in blue and mist leaving everything Grey. Waves were swaying gracefully on the shore, barely touching it. It appeared to me - in this awkward moment of shocking discovery- that it seemed a lot like the mechanism of life. You give and take, you hold on and end up letting go, and the other way around. You lose in this process of self-awareness many , and you might even end up getting lost. Well, everything happens for a reason. Speaking of which : I had a feeling that I never felt so alive, I was thinking of every tiny detail about the image my eyes were forming. I was wide awake and obviously conscious, perhaps too conscious ! Could things ever be the way they used to ? Could I ever move on , or should those painful memories of mine be carved utterly in my heart,soul and mind ?.
Somehow, I do feel ignorant of every serene fact I've taught myself everyday. " Nothing lasts forever " I murmured..

I suddenly stiffened in my deck-chair, felt the air choking in my throat, and pushed my eyelids to shut. I felt every cell in my body crying with me , in harmony , we were singing the symphony of my misery.. one I was quite used to. Resisting tears has always been a long shot for me anyway, I relaxed and let my tears slip down my cheek.While the sun was rising in the limitless sky, its rays were already passing through my skin, lighting up my dark soul and sending a shiver of safety and relief down my spine. Those same rays, unlocked doors of my memory and put images ahead of me.. Images of my life when everything seemed in place. Another dizzy bewildered image took place, while the others vanished back to where they were grounded from leaving.. The scene of me sitting in this same very spot and for real, it felt like a different person. I could already feel the wrinkles of stress drawn between my brows, while I struggled to feel the same way: the genuine sensation of belonging. Suddenly, I heard a voice that I was addicted to .. a voice that pulled me from all my memories and my flash-backs.

“Look at the stars, look how they shine for you, in everything you do, they were all yellow, i came along... I wrote a song for you, and all the things you do.. and it was called yellow .. ".

For a moment, my breath was taken away , didn't have the courage to look back , my heartbeats were racing that I expected my heart to jump out of my troubled chest. It was the same voice that has turned my life upside-down, the voice that belonged to the person I love beyond anything else.

I looked back, and it was him, the one I’ve loved passionately, and the same who left me broken. Eyes closed, singing my favorite song with a gentle smile drawn perfectly on his lips.

" What in the world has brought me here,what has brought YOU here ? Was it chance or was it just the ridiculous tricks of fate to announce its victory ?.. Years have passed already,love, and you're still curled up the same way,still the mess I've chosen. I've changed in every possible way,yet, I do still smell your perfume in the air , recognize your heartbeats and sense your tears glistening on your satin-like cheek. "

He sounded, looked and felt to me perfect, a more passionate poet than I've ever remembered him, my memories haven't done him justice. My eyes were wide-open, yet I have never felt so blind. He had his eyes closed while the light gentle wind caressed his outlines. It was all quite the same . He felt his way up to one of the deck-chairs next to me. Sat back, took a deep breath, and smiled again.. sending me into a much deeper shock .

" I've wrote you songs, I've played you melodies that could fill up the whole universe, waited for years, and shed more tears than this sea in front of me could hold .. I’ve learned, you have not, and here I come, following my heart back to the spot where we first met, where we parted.. And where the memory of us will live forever.
" Will you not speak , love ? Will you not fill up the air with whispers ? will you not remember, who I was and who I am without you?.. "

His words .. left me speechless, he couldn't be where he was, yet, somehow, I knew he was there, my senses were all in a whirl , he was who has given me the world, and who I left broken .. alone. His words broke down walls I’ve built around my heart for years, walls I have been building, ever since the moment he left.

“I ... I am ... how .. ? " , burning tears ran down my cheek melting my heart.This is a story I’ve took role in, a story I wish I've ended my own way.
He reached for my face, couldn't reach it , I began to breathe hardly, and just pushed myself two inches forward, reaching for someone I trusted, protected and wounded severely.
“Shh.. " He whispered.

"I am right here, I have gone away , but you still knew how to remember us , I haven't found you. Today .. you were the one who found me "..he said smiling and desperately whipping away all my tears.

" It's you ! I just.., you are not here, this is not you , and this is not happening .. ".. I broke down repeating those same words, while he opened his eyes, turning to gaze in mine, the same deep blue eyes I knew so well. A few tears were born in his eyes as well, a few words have slipped from his imprisonment.

" I am sorry.I shouldn't have just arrived like that, I died but I somehow still live in you , don't I ?
I am grateful for your love, I am grateful for your passion, and I am grateful to have ever met you , and I can't leave until you let go of me, of my memories, and of all the guilt you've trapped inside of your kind heart "..

" I am not the same anymore, I am not as strong as you used to see me, I have broken down after losing you, and here I am , wrecked as ever, that's just how much I miss you, how fragile I am without you .. " I said.. looking far away from him , another look at him wouldn't be ever enough and would draw me much closer to him than I intended. I was losing control of everything, and I almost forgot , who he was right now ; most importantly, who he wasn't..

" You have taught me so much , it's time to let go , have the strength to look me in the eyes, and cherish this moment forever ." He said, standing up , and still holding my half-frozen hand, pulling me up too. Looked into my eyes as if he saw through me, moving gently next to my ear and whispering : " I carry your heart.. I carry it in my heart ..".

His breath on my skin , has made me weaker than ever, It was he , It was me , standing where we parted..
But when I whipped my tears and opened my eyes,he faded away , while I breathed in again , I searched and searched, and found nothing , no one on my horizon, it was just me .. collapsing on the floor in tears.
I stopped for a while, thought of reasons of what just happened, couldn't let him go. Hallucinations ? perhaps..But I know it's the most real thing I've ever been through.

I breathed in deeply , let the air touch the very depth of my soul , then let it go out, just the very same way ..I gathered up the pieces left of me, gathered up all the strength I knew I had, then looked down touching my palm, to always remember his irreplaceable touch.

"Look at the stars, look how they shine for you, in everything you do, they were all yellow, Your skin..
Oh yeah your skin and bones
Turn into something beautiful
Do you know
you know I love you so
You know I love you so .. " I breathed.