Emotional Responsibility

I am Happy Because I Choose to Be
Trina L.C. Sonnenberg


It is so easy today to blame things outside ourselves for the misery we perceive in our lives. It is easier to place blame elsewhere than to take responsibility for it, and we as humans seem to be a little like water, in that we seek the path of least resistance; blame the other guy. The rub here lies in that our failure to take responsibility for our own happiness is really what leads to all of the unrest in our lives.


Life is a series of choices. We choose how and where to live and we choose how we respond to the activities around us. Others have no power over how we feel and react to the circumstances around us. If Joe Blow hits my car in the parking lot, leaving a dent, I get to choose whether or not to become angry about it. I do not have to get angry. Rather than letting it ruin my day, I can choose to file a claim with my insurance and go on with my day, knowing that the dent will be repaired.

Equally, no one else is in control of your happiness. My husband does things that please me, but it is my choice as to whether or not I will be happy about his actions. He is not responsible for my happiness. Because he loves me, he takes care to do things that he thinks will please me, and strives not to do things that will cause me angst, but ultimately, it is up to me to decide how anything he does or does not do will affect me. Furthermore, if I want him to continue to do the things that please me, I must let him know that he's appreciated for those things he does.

When others don't appear to be helpful to you, you must resist the temptation to become angry with them. There may be things happening in their lives that you are totally unaware of, that prevent them from accommodating your wishes. It is always your choice, just as it is their choice as to whether or not to help you. You can be angry, or you can work toward finding an alternative solution. You can choose to feel cheated, or you can choose to move on. Your feelings are your own and no one else controls them. No one can hurt you unless you let them.

No one wants to entertain the thought of being responsible for any discomfort we have felt in our lives, but the truth is that we are 100% responsible. Let me give you a very personal example of what I am talking about:

I married my first husband at the age of 19, after having dated him for four years. He was an abusive man, not physically, but verbally, emotionally, psychologically, and I was impressionable.

I spent 10 years with this man, believing every negative hateful thing he ever said about me. I made the choice to belive the things he said. I chose to trust his word. I gave him power over my life.

Because I was convinced that I could not do any better, that I deserved to be treated that way, I fell right into another abusive relationship immediately following the end of the first marriage.

Within six months, of leaving my first husband, I met and eventually married a man who was even more abusive. I was miserable and truly believed I couldn't do any better.

After four years with husband/abuser number 2, I learned that I am responsible for everything that happens in my life. I learned that I do derserve better and that if I hope to get it, I needed to change the way I thought about myself. Since I believed I couldn't do any better, I didn't. I actually did worse the second time around. (Only I control my thoughts.)

Based on my flawed belief, I made a poor choice. However, it was my choice to make. No one forced me to maintain a relationship with this man.

I made the decision to change my life. I shifted focus from the problem to the steps to take to eleviate the problem and move my life forward. I ended the second marriage and have not been truly unhappy since then.

I choose when to be happy and I choose what makes me happy. Similarly, I choose when not to feel good. If you were to spit on my shoe, it would be my choice as to whether or not I would get angry about it. To say that you made me angry would be giving you all the power. Only I have the power to control my life, to change its direction. No one else can have that power because I choose not to give it to anyone. Give power to [focus on] solutions, not problems.

I am happy because I choose to be. Life throws challenges my way. It is up to me to decide how to deal with them. I can choose to feel sorry for myself and blame others, or I can meet the challenge, head-on and overcome the obstacle; feeling great about myself for my success.

Realizing that I and I alone am responsible for everything that comes my way in life, has been tremendously liberating. It has also given me great hope and expectation for the future of my life.