Silence

Together we sat. Our silence our only similarity. Wherever I went, he followed, so today was no different to those that had preceded it. No tediously, pleasant conversation about weather was made nor did we lightly joke about recent events, which adorned the pages of the local newspaper. We sat, the bench creaked beneath me and our eyes glared into the distance. We had lived like this for years, so when I felt his breath on my face, I cautiously peeked out of the corners of my eyes to see him glaring at me, right then and there I knew what would precede would change my life forever.

This day had begun like every other; I awoke to see his face hanging over mine and screamed like I did every other day. My mother had become accustomed to this and, although still irritated by the scream which abruptly interrupted her brewing of tea, she carried on with her usual routine. When it had first begun, she had thought it to be a bad dream but when it had become an annoyance to her I was forced to visit a psychiatrist. Every time the ‘session’ was over, I would sit outside the room as they told my mother ‘I’m sorry I don’t know how to help, maybe you could speak to his doctor about some possible medication’.

I pealed back the covers as my mother brought me a cup of tea and a handful of multi-coloured tablets. When she had previously been concerned she would have asked ‘how are you today?’ and ‘do you think the tablets are working?’, but now she simply through her offerings in my direction and left the room in silence. My world had become one long awkward silence; at school children had gossiped with friends about my craziness, in college I was the freak who never spoke and now I was the freak who left the house once a week if his mum let him and on that day he would get dressed, make his peanut butter sandwiches and leave the house only to sit at the bus stop watching the cars flash by. Today was a Wednesday, so I got up and got dressed, made peanut butter sandwiches and left the house.

But today felt different and as I sat at the bus stop and listened to the creaking of the wooden slats, I realised that my life needed to change. For once in my life I wanted to break the routine, even if it just meant actually taking the bus rather than watching its passengers gleefully enter through its sleek glass doors and depart solemnly, hands splitting under the pressure of bags.

The emerald green box pulled up in front of me and as our eyes momentarily met, I got off the seat and trundled towards the doors cautiously. I balanced on the seat as I silently observed the lives of others as they circled me, veering off no and again to gallop out of the door. My world began to shake and as I fell to the floor the circles of people gathering around me became stars surrounded my head like those from cartoons.

”Billy… this is your stop”.

I gazed around. I didn’t know where I was but my companion had pulled me to my feet and began to drag me off the step and onto the cold dark earth. The worst had begun; the glance that had prayed on my mind, as I worried what would happen to me, suddenly left my mind as my companion stood facing me, staring deep into my eyes, piercing my brain.

His face reminded me of something I had read in a book. It was almost child like and undeveloped. His eyes I had never seen before and although I saw them every morning I had never really seen them. They were also under-developed; they were small and glazed over with a cloudy mist.

“You and I are one” he said.

I stood, shaking, bewildered by what was said. Like his eyes, mine were now glazed; I couldn’t understand what he meant. I tried to ignore him, but as I stood, still as stone, eyes screwed up, I could still see his pursed wrinkled lips mouthing the words. I suddenly heard chanting, it slowly go faster and louder ‘its all in your head, its all in your head…’

I couldn’t stand it any longer, just like the morning, I unfolded my eyes and his face was pressed to mine. Nose to nose, mouth to mouth, eye to eye. I screamed for my life but those who walked past me were those I had previously known and just like in school and college and life, they giggled and walked past me. I began to see the same person once more. The path that they were walking was long and at the end, it started again. Unlike the bus the long running circle of people continued like an assembly line, with nobody getting off. All I could hear was their snide comments and giggles getting louder and louder.

And then it stopped. I was somewhat comforted by the awkward silence I had once despised. But then my comfort stopped and so did the silence. He spoke once more.

“We are one; you and me. I am not real, I was, but you put an end to that”

I didn’t understand. As the line of people surrounding me continued, so did my thoughts. I couldn’t understand how I was him and he was me, how I stopped him being real. Am I the reason he isn’t alive? Am I a murderer? In this moment of confusion, I still stood dazed and confused as he stood at least four feet above me pacing angrily.

“Do you want me to answer your questions? Yes you killed me; therefore yes you are a murderer”

This comment was met with the face of stupidity; I simply glared dumbfounded by what had been said wondering when this happened and why I cannot remember it.

“In the womb we were twins but when your mother took us home she couldn’t handle the responsibility of two babies when her only love was whiskey. So she gave one of us up. You of course were the easy child and me the unwanted spawn who was left on a church doorstep. Many would think I would have been better off with the good folk of the church but when they brought me in and I began to cry, they became convinced that I was the spawn of Satan and killed me. As you grew up I made it my vow to make your life a living hell so you could feel the same pain as me. Thankfully for you I have been kind, so far.”

I began to run, but everywhere I ran I was stopped by the circle of people. Their laughs pierced my ears as the circle grew small and I became more enclosed. I helplessly punched and kicked trying to break through my enclosure. In a last ditch attempt to avoid death and escape with my life intact, I slapped and kicked. Finally, I broke free and began to run. Suddenly, I saw a great flash of light and he was stood in front of me, everywhere I turned he was there. I couldn't escape, I began to walk. I felt like I was under some sort of spell; the more i tried to escape, the faster I walked in the opposite direction.

I just closed my eyes terrified of what was about to happen. I felt a cool sensation between my toes. The icy water made my toes flinch and as I opened my eyes I could see the hands of all the people who had once surrounded me, lowering my helpless body into the water. As my last hair became immersed in water my arms began to flail about thrashing around me. But the more I tried, the more I sank into the water. When I finally hit the bottom I was incapable of moving and I was silent once more.