Untitled (What I have so far...)

Man, was I ever running late! As I changed lanes while attempting to slip on the black blazer as I held my half-eaten bagel in my mouth, cars from either side of me honked their horns in irritation. I winced. Sorry! I was really in a hurry. I anxiously glanced over at the clock in the dash: 9:17. I had less than fifteen minutes to get to what would be my new school, if I didn’t miss this meeting. Now was definitely one of the times I wished I had taken the time to invest in a cell phone.

My friends had asked me to get one, my girlfriend had actually begged me to get one, yet still I didn’t have one. Lack of interest along with major anxieties was the major reason I hadn’t gotten one. I could talk to my friends when I saw them in the streets or ran into them at clubs, I didn’t need a cell for that. And my girlfriend? I was scared shitless of talking to her. How many guys can say that?

We have a long distance relationship, living at polar ends of the country. The only time I’d seen her face was in pictures she’d sent me in emails or over some internet profiling site. I hadn’t the slightest inkling of an idea how she sounded. I was afraid to find out. Not only that, but I didn’t want to have one of those listen in conversations girls like to have, where they call their boyfriend or some guy they happen to like, putting the phone on speaker as their friends listen in. I didn’t want to be judged that way. Not that they didn’t already hate my guts…

My mind sighed at the thought. Lately, it had been second guessing my motives for being in this relationship. Why was I with this girl? Not a day went by when I didn’t have to hear how much her friends didn’t like me or didn’t trust me. I have to admit it hurt even worse because my mind kept stabbing at my heart. If she loved you, she’d stick up for you. And each time, I had to push it away, telling my heart that she’d promised. She loves you and she won’t hurt you. Do you really believe that?

Pang!

My heart wrenched at the blow. It didn’t want to answer that question. It knew how it wanted to… but was that the truth of the matter? It had been through this before. The hurt, the pain of being left behind. Once it made itself vulnerable, as it was now, would it always get broken again? After Bella’s death, it had taken everything I had not to throw away the pieces and give up on love. No, instead I just buried them and went on a sex spree. That was until I realized that that love those women gave me was nothing but a lie. For that short amount of time I’d thought I could feel love and acceptance. Boy was I wrong. I was just making myself a tool for them to use, to satisfy some whimsical desire.

Was this a lie too..?

Was I kidding myself into believing this girl was the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with?

Was buying that ring a mistake..?

My heart ached as my eyes flitted to the glove box. The ring burned a hole in my heart, even from a distance. My heart wanted to scream NO! to all of those questions, yet it held back uncertain of who it should trust. My mind or my girlfriend’s words.

Words are cheap.

Pang!

If this didn’t stop soon, my heart was going to look like Swiss cheese, full of holes from my mind’s persistent doubt. Then if my mind won, my heart would be reduced to dust… again. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to waste the effort of piecing it together again after it broke this time. It would just happen again, as it always did. In a never ending cycle. So what was the point?

* * *

As I pulled into the school parking lot, my mind was again locked into its holding cell. Not that it did much good, it wouldn’t be long before it picked the lock again and was out to beat my already bloodied heart. But right now, I needed that temporary fix so I could focus and do well with the Dean. I needed to finish my education more than anything right now.

As I switched gears, I reached across to the passenger seat, grabbing the manila folder bursting with all the paper work required for entrance into the academy. As I stood on the side walk staring up at the wrought iron gates, a feeling of dread came over me. They were menacing enough… tall black gates into hell. My mind’s shadow, the priority prisoner inside my head, retorted through the bars of its steel reinforced jail cell. It thought attending this all boys school was a repulsive and stupid idea and it wasn’t afraid to share its opinion.

It thrived (word choice) over the thought of long legs in short skirts and low cut tops. C’mon you know you want it! The shadow tried clouding over my thoughts with it’s dark desires….

(to be continued...)
05/31/09



The next day, I found myself sitting outside of the academy, waiting for her. I was supposed to be at work, which was in the opposite direction, but I couldn’t stop myself from coming here. I had to get her name, a number, something.

I scoured the crowed carefully taking in each girl’s face as she passed. I looked for a flash of that pale hair or that pair of silver eyes. Everything else about these girls looked exactly alike. The white dress shirt with either a tie or pearls, I couldn’t remember which she had been wearing. A tie? Plaid skirts of purple, lilac, and white matched the ties around some of the girls’ necks. I found it hard to believe all these girls were here in the middle of summer for sports or music lessons. It was uncanny!

*describe some of the girls as they pass* (Need to add in)

There, over by a lamp pole, she stood in a group of girls, chatting and laughing with what I assumed to be her friends. A stack of books was clasped to her chest, her violin case at her feet. She was smiling beautifully, just as she had yesterday. Her hair fell in waves that glittered in the morning sun. She still looked to perfect to be real.

All talking stopped as one girl with short cut black hair realized I was coming. Slowly, they all turned and stared in my direction. No one spoke a word. They just stared, bringing that uncomfortable lump to my throat. I opened my mouth only to close it and swallow. It did nothing to clear the blockage clamping my vocal chords. I tried clearing my throat. A few of the girls giggled, all but her and the brunette to my left.

“Ah… I’m Slayd-… Er, I mean Steven.” I began, my hand fluttering up to nervously massage my neck, “You met me yesterday…”

I was relieved to see her smile.

“How nice to see you again,” she said in good spirits.

The other girls turned to her once they realized she recognized me.

“Are you lost or something?” The one girl with the short black hair asked, her brow wrinkled in annoyance.

“The boy’s academy is over that way,” she stated harshly, pointing in the direction.

“I know… I just…” I said slowly.

“You just what?” she asked.

“Well, I just wanted to get her name…” I said glancing over to the girl from yesterday.

“Well, that’s just too bad! Go chase skirts somewhere else you jerk!”

The girl with the chin length ebony hair looked like she wanted to jump me. I had no doubt in my mind that she would if I provoked her. Even though I wasn’t sure I knew what I’d done to make her angry.

Just then the bell sounded. The girls began gather their things. I had run out of time. She bent down to gather her instrument, picking it up with ease.

"Amelia," she leaned into me at the last moment.

The sweet minty freshness of her breath brushed along my cheek with its pleasent warmth.

She side stepped me in one graceful airy movement and proceeded to her class along with her friends.

I watched in disappointment as all the girls fanned out into the crowd, as she got lost in it.

Chapter 2 - 06/01/09


06/02-03/09 In progress of writing.