Grieving Hearts

Grieving Hearts.

by Simone Galy-Laquis



Breech, eight month old foetus toiled in my womb,

Braxton Hicks contractions gnawed at my thoughts,

unsure, newly wed, twenty-two.

Ventolin slowed the onset of labour,

laboured all night painfully,

in my anguish, I was calm, peaceful, carefree.



"Footling breech, emergency caesarean!"

Horror on his face

bled courage in me.

In tugging to get her out,

she became oxygen deprived.

The next three days changed me forever.



Preoccupied with my

agony,

hallucinations,

'flat', blind, incubated baby,

at that same moment in time,

another woman gave birth and died.



My mind raced over the next three days,

dealing with news of turmoil

in her struggle to survive.

Futile efforts brought forth death;

acidosis and a clot to her brain.

I felt my heart full of emptiness.



In that time, she never cried/saw/moved.

With sadness and

a grief that tortured me,

coming in waves and drowning me,

I came to a realisation despite

the numbness in my brain.



This painful, stressful experience

was manifesting a depression,

a profound anxiety,

causing me unexplained

pain, dizziness, fatigue,

consuming me.



Breasts became engorged with milk,

no baby to suckle;

the reality of my grief situation struck me.

Wide mood swings ruled me.

My bereavement fostered disorganisation,

a hopeless dynamic I knew would bring/breed self destruction.



I began to grieve in my own way,

contrary to the norm.

Loss of a parent causes distress in well being,

loss of a spouse is traumatic and powerful,

loss of a child proved unbearable and devastating,

intense and overwhelming; I felt spent.



Complicated feelings of guilt came into play

that would present risk factors in my marriage

if I became stuck in a repetitive zone.

I made a conscious effort to stay above my grief,

a lifelong grief process that I would relive.

I thought hard.



I knew each time someone died, or was in pain..I would feel,

I would identify with it in the depths of my womb.

I knew anxiety attacks would

creep into my very being, destroy me.

I knew I had to shake it.

I made the decision.



I rejected it, a God given insight replaced it.

I knew I would have to get over the pain,

become stronger than it quickly.

That day I decided to make a conscious decision

to release my grief, to abort shock and disbelief,

t'was the day I entered a whole new spiritual realm.



A sacred journey.

Day four,

my state of loss,

my period of mourning,

was over.

I detached and chose Grace.



Some lose faith,

some lose their minds,

I lost my physical strength,

pain drove me, I embraced it and it produced

an amazing effervescent energy that propelled

the spirit/essence of my soul. I felt fulfilled.



Entangled in my heart,

I quietly stayed close to her.

I became free from heartache,

simply held on to

the memory,

I felt secure.



With great respect for the bereavement process,

I honoured myself and my loved one,

by not wallowing in the grief; it required self mastery.

Many were angered by my decision,

believing in a prolonged/complicated grieving process,

for me, it was healing, it felt right.



It was the progression of freedom,

a biting bliss that created a

stinging awareness,

motivation, enlightenment, harmony,

within;

I felt liberated.





I suddenly understood

why I was here, what life was all about.

Awakened to

my purpose, my value, my significance.

A kind of liberation that brings joy/happiness/contentment

I felt free.



Death, a truth that is relevant and has invoked

insight,

gratitude in me.

I grieved differently.

I thank my husband for allowing me to grieve

in my own, unconventional, untraditional way.



An allowance that has brought forth

resolve

in myself.

In accepting and dealing with our loss,

I discovered my inner, untapped strength

in coping with life.



At times I need to be alone

to re-centre, to meet with my very soul,

to rejuvenate.

That is the reality of

the imperfect world in which we live,

powerlessness, with or without losses.



Put at an advantage I learnt from this invaluable experience.

Humbled by this plenitude of power that is

destined for greatness;

greatness in each breath I take,

greatness in appreciating/enjoying family/freinds,

greatness in contentment.



Daughter, thank you

for teaching me

to truly see/hear/feel/smell/taste

the essence of life,

each fleeting moment,

moments that are ceremonial!



Poet: Simone Galy-Laquis