Testing

                Sigh... It was a dreary Saturday morning at Shallowvalley High as I trudged into the classroom. I had the priveledge to wake up at six-thirty in the morning and look forward to sitting at a desk for two hours and a half in a depressing white-washed room. Not to mention in the algebra room-- fun. I wasn't the only tortured soul there either.

                Many other kids who would rather be at their grandmother's house gathered at the front of the room as the test proctor gave us our seats. Oh? Did I mention that today was state testing day? Why else in hell would we be here? Not to also note that the teacher assigning our seats was a dinosaur. I'm serious! She had these huge 60's glasses on that magnified her eyes ten times! She was half my height, and that is saying something, and she also had two hearing aids that were in drastic need of repairment.

              I realized today was obviously going to be hopelessly boring as I sat down at my seat in the dead center of the classroom. I could see everything from my chair. For example, this Italian guido kid at my left was fingering his gelled hair and his mustach, which I have a suspicion was gelled as well... To my right was this preppy looking girl getting out her five sharpend pencils, two calculators (a graphing and a science one), an eraser, and a portable pencil sharpener that had teddy bears all over it.

                Damn was she intense! You could almost see the flashing neon sign above her head that read "Valedictorian". Right in back of me was a wrestling jock, chomping away at slice of pizza. Who eats pizza for breakfast anyway? And the annoying part was that you could hear the actual stinking chewing and digestion going on back there! At least the girl in front of me seemed normal; No, wait. She was goth. I originally thought that her hair was naturally black, but when she turned to look at the clock I saw all her facial piercings and heavy eyeliner. Actually, scratch that, she was the most normal one in my opinion.

                I got out my pencils as I awaited for the torment to be over. The people who make these tests must have a lot of time on their hands to try and figure out new ways to torture us. I mean, seriously, it is freaking seven thirty in the morning and I am cold, hungry, and cranky; really really cranky. I could murder someone.

                The dinosaur lady adjusted her glasses and read the instructions from her book.

                "Okay now youngin's (I wondered how old exactly she was at this point), open your testbooklets to page two, take your time, and begin".

                Pages turned and the orchestra of scratching pencils began. The teacher fell asleep on the desk up front and the amazing part was that she was prepared! She brought with her a pillow and nightcap...she must have fallen asleep at many of these events. She even started to snore. The occasional sneeze or cough could be heard in the dead silence. The atmoshpere was heavy with concentration.

                With a sigh I opened my book and read question number one: "What is the process by which plants produce their own food called?". That one was easy, it was photosynthesis. Maybe this test won't be so hard after all!

                The next question was about the pyramids of Egypt, but I didn't really pay attention for that's when a sharp noise pierced the silence. The guido's pencil broke and he only had one, so he reached over and asked if he could use one of mine. That's when SMACK a flying ruler hit him square in the forehead!

                "I will have abslutely NO CHEATING in my classroom!!" For an old lady, she had a hell of an arm! Half the ruler broke off and flew somewhere else! Then she collapsed on her pillow and resumed snoring... then the series of bizzare events occured.

                You know how half of the ruler broke on the guido's head and flew somewhere else? Well, it flew at the wrestling jock's head behind me. He was already an idiot so he didn't lose any brain cells, but because he was an idiot, he got the idea that the guido kid threw the ruler at him. Poor Italian kid.

                "ARRRGGHH!!" The jock went berserk and leapt OVER his desk, flying in the air at the guido kid. When he landed, the room trembled and he crushed all of the desks in the vicinity with his huge body mass. Before the giant landed on him, however, the little guido managed to save the upper half of his body. But, the jock had him in a grappling choke and the Italian kid attempted to bite him (he was a brave soul). During the duration of the fight I thought the most amazing thing that had happened as I sat there, was that the teacher was still sleeping...

                Then this band geek came forward, except he was kind of too hot to be considered a full-fledged band geek. He broke up the fight, which was an amazing feat in itself, and told us all to get back to testing. I guess playing the tuba frequently will give you some huge biceps. Except, the room wasn't as quite as before since the teacher was sleeping and all the girls in the room were swooning at the hot band geek, calling him brave. Pft. I COULD have stopped the fight too- my cousin taught me where that pressure point was in your neck...

              Question number two: "What is 2+2?". This is a joke right? The answer choices were zero, three, five, and fish. None of those were even friggin RIGHT! The prep girl next to me must have had the same thought. She leaned over and whispered, "Is this test seri-?".

              Bad move. The girl didn't even finish her sentence as a drool-drenched pillow hit the side of her face.

              " Ewwwwwww!"

              "NO TALKING DURING THE TEST!" Then the teacher went back to snoring without her pillow.

............................ I guess she could only hear whispering..................

              "EEEKK! My hair is ruined! omgomgomgomgomg"

      That's when the goth girl in front of me yelled "Shut the hell up! I can't concentrate".

              The prep sniffled, "But my hair..."

            "Ugh" That's when the goth girl got up, and to the horror of the preppy girl, picked up a pair of scissors. The class on the otherhand watched the scene since obviously no one was going to finish their test at this point.

              Everyone gaped as the goth girl started to cut the other girl's hair. By this time the preppy girl was bawling her eyes out, thinking that the goth was going to mutilate her perfect hair. She tried to make a run for it, but someone held her down; a friend's of the goth's probably. Then, as the long, silky locks of brown hair fell to the floor, the preppy girl looked at her pocket mirror in amazement as the goth worked.

                You could tell that despite her aloofness before, the goth girl, was really getting into this. She had somehow materialized a hairbrush, a comb, and a hair flatiron in her right hand as she worked. She even had a case full of different colored hair dyes....and after the span of ten minutes her work was complete. The preppy girl had a Victoria Beckham-like look with a streak of light green framing the left side of her face. It looked freaking professional!! The preppy girl gave an awkward hug to the goth and resumed testing.

              At this point, only one hour remained of testing. The questions on the stupid test were a joke anyway. Question ten asked what was the name of the green teletubby. The teacher wasn't going to wake anytime soon also. Sooooo, the whole class stockpiled their snacks to determine if they were party material.

              Then, one kid with a red afro got up with the test booklet and set up a jeopardy board. Everyone put their lunch money in a box and split into teams. Then they started gambling for money by answering the questions in the book. "Who was darth vader's son?". "How many colors are in the rainbow?". "What is the meaning of life?"

                I, in the meantime migrated to the back of the room near the door. I started to doodle away as more girls hovered around the band geek, some sleezy kid with a trench coat attempted to sell cellphones (broken), and many others gathered around the goth girl for a haircut, including that Italian guido kid. The jock on the other hand produced more food, this time a sloppy joe, and the teacher snored even louder.

                Five minutes remained as I glimpsed out the window... Uh oh. The principal was coming this way. Did he find out about us? Maybe he has a camera hidden somewhere! That would actually explain so many mysteries if he did... Wait a minute... a policeman was strutting along with him!!

              I yelled at the top of lungs.

              "EVERYONE! GET THE HELL BACK TO YOUR SEATS! IT'S THE FUZZ!" Eveyone rushed at hyperspeed to their seats and looked as if they were busy testing.

              When the principal and policeman walked in, the classroom appeared as if not a single scrap of paper was overturned. Well, besides the point that a ruler was spotted on the ground, broken in two and that a pillow was lying in the corner of the room. Otherwise we appeared as a normal room full of half-asleep teenagers, taking a dull state test.

              Here comes the best part of the whole day though! Are you wondering by any chance why the heck a policeman came in? He sure wasn't taking a good stroll with his good friend the principal, nor was he coming to investigate that sleezy kid selling stuff. No, apparently he came for the baggy ol' teacher!

              The teacher woke up right at nine o'clock when the test was supposed to be over as if on some, creepy internal clock. When she was wide awake with her giant glasses perched on her nose, she spotted the policeman.

              Policeman: "Excuse me Miss, but are you Mayella Crabwalker?"

              Dinosaur Lady: "...What if I am young man?"

              Principal: "Don't worry sir, she is. She's just pretending to be senile"

              The old lady stiffened.

              Policeman: "Well then I have to take you downtown, Ms. Crabwalker. You are accused of robbing a jewelry store, selling the jewels for buying a life's supply of tapioca, escaping to the zoo and letting loose the lions, then riding a stolen lion to a nearby circus so as not to be pursued"

              Us: ..................

          "Well then", Ms. Crabwalker's hands started to shake as she opened a window, "YOU WILL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE! NEVER! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!"

            And she jumped out of the second story window like a ninja and ran for her life.

              Us:................................................................................................................

              Everyone in the room was silent for a few minutes. Then the policeman sighed and called the nursing home to expect a new resident soon, said goodday and departed.

                Then we just shrugged and left for our homes, keeping the day's events to ourselves.

    I tell ya: testing in Shallowvalley High... need I really say more?