Life, Love, and Happiness

    At the beginning of the year, I checked my horoscope for the year. I'm a Virgo if you didn’t know, and thus, I was promised the best year of my life (so far anyways). Well that and "phenomenal sex." I should have been promised a year of my life (I also have yet to experience this phenomenal sex). There have been so many ups and downs, that everything just seems to flatten out. It's almost like a cake that you take out too soon so it flattens and doesn't taste very well. Basically life is kind of dry and chewy.

    I've made some friends - I've lost others. A guy I really liked left me for another guy that he apparently really liked. That was probably the worst I've dealt with so far. Cause, well, see, it was partially my fault that I let so much drama unfold cause I was going to get some really great revenge on him. Luckily the beast that resides within my soul doesn't eat much when it comes out for food, so I restrained it pretty quickly. Then we tried to be friends again but that didn't work. But that one was his fault. He refuses to listen. He lives in a little dream world of happiness, but then of course he wakes up and can't tell imagination from reality. He is too afraid to listen to the truth. Maybe it's just extreme optimism. I call it stupidity. All I wanted was to help, but apparently you really do have to help yourself first. Needless to say, he's still broken.

    The funny thing is, maybe I'm a little broken too. I've made myself emotionally numb over the years, to survive if anything. Yet, I'm the one that continues to allow the past to crawl into my mind. I don't like the past. I move on. I'm a realist. But I just can't cut the chords on this one and that bothers me more than anything. Maybe if I reintroduce myself to the negative side of emotions, I'll finally escape. And I mean, I guess I've been working on it. I'm still a really happy, upbeat person, but lately things have been getting to me. Unfortunately, most things that get to me just make me mad and then it drives my want for a cigarette. No, I’ve never had one, but I can still want one, can’t I? I’m probably going to die earlier than most people, so enjoy it while you can.

         Anyways, back to life. I started to dream. I have not dreamt on a regular basis since I was maybe ten. But lately, I’ve had some weird ass dreams. The other night, I had a dream about fruit, a twelve foot tall girl, teachers dressed in rock and roll attire, and Tori making me cry. A bit before that one, two of my friends were living in the basement I don’t have and I was able to stretch my arm great distances. Maybe dreams are a sign of moral maturity. Because, I think I’m getting there. Well, it is one of the reasons why I’m writing this. So, the life teaching in this paragraph: acid trip dreams = maturity.

         I guess I should progress to a date after January 9th. If I have learned anything this year, it is that I know who my real friends are. They are the ones who take you to the mall to pick up boys that we have no intention to talk with, just want to impress; they are the ones that go with you to furniture stores and convince the salesperson that you are willing to spend thousands of dollars on pieces that you have no intention of buying; they are the ones willing to sit through a movie with you every weekend just so you can rant about how good or horrible it was; they are the ones that put up with you, even though you criticize and are ridiculously mean to them even though you don’t mean to, it’s just a part of your personality and you promise to try and work on it; the ones that laugh at all of your stupid jokes, faces, and voices; the ones that laugh at nothingness with you; the ones that go eat sushi with you cause they are the only other people you know who eat sushi; the ones that are still wanting to talk with you, even after they hear something about you that they really didn’t want to know and that you didn’t want them to hear, it just kind of happened; the ones that stay at your house until 12 in the morning; the ones that stay at your house even later playing video games until 5 in the morning; the ones that gladly eat all of your food; the ones that plan to go with college with you; the ones that sing with you at the top of your lungs in the car cause the radio decided to play a really good song for once so you can’t skip the opportunity; the ones that are willing to read really long blogs.

They are the friends you dream about.

         Few people can truly understand what I’m talking about. Truly living life, I mean really going for it, is such a rarity. And it certainly can’t be done without a good friend or two. We always have to visit old friends, so we have to make new friends so we have excuses to hit them up later in life. It’s brilliant really.

         Anyways, after the life moment we just shared, let me get back to my focus. We have to find people in life that are better than us in some way. As awesome as it would be to have a posse made of ourselves (trust me, I’ll be the first to admit I would love an army of me), if we can only compare to ourselves, we cannot grow. It would be impossible. That’s why you need friends – people to pick you up when you’re feeling low. But there are sometimes when they just have to kick you when you’re down, you know, to teach you something. After all, you don’t want your friends to be too friendly, do you? If it wasn’t for my friends, I wouldn’t be writing this right now.

         By this point you have probably starting asking yourself, what the hell is the point. I keep implying some sort of point, but you don’t even know what it is. Well, that is just it. I don’t what it is. I feel like no one has ever been honest with me, not even myself. We all hide behind masks, yeah it’s stereotypical but it’s true. But I don’t blame anyone, I’m not saying we don’t try to be ourselves, it’s just that it’s really hard sometimes. So, why not write? I think it’s the best way to make our minds visible to others. Not silly things like the way we dress or what we like. But by doing this right here, I am able to transfer everything in my head onto a piece of paper (or an electronic document) without it being clouded or hidden by something external. But I suppose that is one of our problems, we feel the pressure to live up to some certain image and it twists our true selves until we break into pieces. Basically, the point of this writing is for you to experience me for the first time.

         So, with that being said, in order for me to get over the rough patch in my life, I tried on the mask of sports. I was going to run track. But I kind of missed the sign up dates because subconsciously I didn’t (and still don’t) give a damn about physical activity. How am I going to use that in real life? So after track fell through the roof, tennis came out and said play with me. Turns out we only got along for two days before it upset me and I mentally beat it up. That’ll teach you to mess with me tennis! Sports and I really just, don’t mix.

         Ignore the poor quality of that previous paragraph, I wrote it at two in the morning. So after my week long experience of being a “jock,” “Cinderella” started. I don’t really sing, so I didn’t have a part, but there was no way I was not going to be involved. So, I dedicated myself to publicity – it is my job after all. I had all of these great ideas and prospects – they were brilliant. And saying them aloud, well, it gave me this sort of, respect. Everyone was looking at me to do these great things. I guess I got so wrapped up in myself that I forgot to live up to what I promised, because I may not have been able to do everything I said, and that made me scared. Scared that people would think I was liar and that they would never trust me again. So instead of doing something that could have been useful, I just did nothing and, well I still lied. I made excuses as to why people weren’t seeing things. I blamed my computer. I’m sorry computer. And with that, I’m able to verify that I’m selfish. I can’t even blame something as small as a crooked poster on myself. So, how can I can I realize any of my faults?

         Now let’s talk about relationships. I’ve dated… um… carry the three… four and a half people. Jessica, Nikki, Lauren, Michael, and the half, Matthew. We only dated for like a week. Well according to him we never dated, we just went on dates. Whatever. So my second shortest relationship was three months, the longest being nine, I think. But I won’t talk about those because the only one that matters and has really affected me was mentioned way back up at the beginning. I’ve only broken up with one person, so that’s great for my self confidence. It makes me feel like there is something wrong with me. I do my very best to keep my partner happy. Maybe it’s not enough. Maybe it’s too much. And I don’t mean to sound conceded, but I know I’m attractive and I have a really friendly and nurturing personality. So why can’t I find anyone? I truly understand what it’s like to be a pretty girl that isn’t a slut. Only I’m a guy, looking for a guy. I know that they are out there, but they must be hiding from me. All I want is someone to love. I have so much love, and I have this need to share it with someone. I’m just looking for a cute guy with good morals. I thought it would be pretty simple, but I guess even society lied to me (shocker). That’s one of the reasons I love/hate romantic movies. I watch them and they are incredible, and then a moment later I realize I’m alone and can’t cuddle with anyone. It is so difficult for me to convey how this makes me feel, because I can’t find enough flaws in myself to understand how others can apparently find so many in me. It hurts and it’s depressing. And then of course my environment doesn’t help. There are so many commercials, ads, and songs about lovers and couples, all there to remind me of how lonely I am. I guess my point here is that I’m single, and I hate it. I cannot tell you much I hate it.

         If you know anyone, let me know. And I do have expectations. Firstly, I’m looking for someone who is not a whore – someone looking for a real relationship. Secondly, they need to be around my age. I’m almost 18 so I’m not really looking for anyone under 15 or over 21. Side note – it would be so weird for me to date like a 20 year old, but that’s only like two years older than me. That gives me the chills. Thirdly, they have to take care of themselves. I’m not saying I want someone ripped, but they need to be in shape, like me. I can’t love you if you can’t love yourself. Fourth, yes, I have to have someone cute. I can’t look at someone lovingly if they aren’t at least halfway decent looking. I can’t help it; it’s just a mental thing. Lastly, personality. Just because its last, doesn’t mean it’s the least important. I get along with the majority of people, so just so long as I can talk to them and they respond, I’m pretty good. Oh, and they can’t do drugs. I mean, is it really so much to ask for?

         I keep having these fantasies that I’m just going to meet someone who will sweep me off of my feet. Yeah, I know, that sounds really dumb, but it’s the kind of thing that anyone would dream of. It’s a thought that continuously crosses my mind all throughout the day, and the guy is always the same. He’s a tall, handsome boy, with styled brown hair, brownish green eyes, and he’s really smart with a great personality. He doesn’t have a name, probably because if I gave him one then my subconscious would make him real, when he clearly isn’t. But that is why it’s a dream – it’s what I want to happen. It is one of the reasons why I believe in karma. I cannot deny its existence. I always see negative things happen to negative people, so that’s why I try to be the best that I can be. I figure I’ll fill my bucket up with enough good deeds that when it spills over, it will be worth it. I’m not saying I deserve something great, I’m saying I think that I have something great coming my way. I don’t know when it will hit, but whenever it does, I will be forever grateful, I just know it. 

         Since I’m already kind of on the topic, I’ll take this opportunity to talk about my sexuality. I am more or less a bi curious homosexual. I like men (obviously), but I am capable of liking women, it just takes an unordinary amount of something for me to. So, where should I begin? How about I define what a homosexual is, that seems like a good beginning. Let me start by saying homosexual is probably my least favorite word in the human vocabulary. Whenever I am referred to as a homosexual, it makes me feel as if I have a disease. When do you ever hear people referring to straight persons as heterosexuals? I don’t mind being called a homo or gay, even if it is meant offensively, because I can’t take offense to something that I am. That would be like me calling a fellow white person white with a sneer. I seriously doubt they would take offense, because well, that would be dumb. We can’t change who we are – it’s something to be proud of. In fact whenever someone calls me a fag, a fairy, or just a simple gay, I can only respond with a “How can I help you?” So that’s that.

         Next I’ll attack what makes me, and others, gay. It is not caused by some traumatic event in my youth. I wasn’t not loved enough by either of my parents. And I certainly didn’t wake up and choose it. I was born this way. And let me tell you, I get fucking sick and tired of people trying to tell me otherwise, especially since the only ones trying to convince me of their lies are straight. You have no idea what it is to be gay, and you never will (well unless you are, then ignore that). It is all chemical and dealing with hormones. Please, if you are reading this, you have to understand this, otherwise you will never be able to accept me, or anyone like me. Being gay is one of the hardest things to do, for awhile anyways. You don’t really start to know until puberty, but even before there are some indicators. But when you first start to feel attracted to men, many of us become confused, because according to society this isn’t normal. We hide behind silly things like sports, or art, or theater, or writing, because exposing ourselves would be deadly. And you hide for a long time until you finally come out, normally to your closest friends first, the ones you know will love you. And from there you find out who your real friends really are. From there, you hold their hands and embrace yourself for the pains of the world. I call it the trail of tears because during this time there is so much hate thrown at you and very little love. But eventually, you break through all of the negatives and into the light of acceptance. Not others acceptance of you, but your own acceptance of yourself. Once you have that, there is no bringing you down.

I will not be brought down.

         From there, you will find that you are so secure with yourself (for the most part), much more so than others around you. Why? Because you fought yourself to get to be who you are, which is possibly the most maturing thing in the world. Now you can really work on being yourself, whether it be through your dress, your voice, your art, your anything. What could possibly be better than being you?

         That was fun for me to type. How about relationship again? Good. I support man-man relationships, woman-woman relationships, and man-woman relationships. Despite what many preach, we are not just in it for the sex – we want to find love just as much as anyone. And I do not think that God created us to be alone. If we are all created in His image and likeness, then we should be able to love anyone we want. However, I don’t like the phrase gay marriage. Marriage is a church term defined specifically as the union between a man and a woman. It is something sacred and I feel that marriage should be saved for straight people. Thusly, I support civil unions between same sex couples. We get the legal benefits and the unity; we just aren’t biologically capable of procreation which is one of the details of marriage. So there you go.

         What else is there? I think my final topic will be homophobia. To anyone who is uncomfortable around gay people, let me just say, it is alright. I don’t expect everyone to just be like oh, ok, cool. I know it takes some time because, well, you really just don’t know any better. But homophobia is a good thing – it just shows that you are confused about us, you don’t hate us. Although, to anyone who does hate me or anyone else who is gay, let me just say on behalf of all of us – fuck you. How dare you. You don’t know me, or anything else about me other than that I happen to like other boys. There is nothing wrong with it. The only thing I can do for you is pray. Pray that you will see your own fault. How can you hate me for being who I am? Prejudice of any kind is the worst sin against humanity in my opinion. It is out of prejudice that everything bad evolves.

         Well so far, in Microsoft Word, I have typed five pages which all really just accumulates into a big five page rant. I have so much more to say, but I feel like I should post this now. I want people to read it because I want you all to know what I’m feeling. So until next time.

-Chris