Writing...?

      Why does it seem like I’ve lost the ability to write? Not write as in the actual process of taking a pen and scribbling words on a piece of paper but write as in come up with something entertaining and sensible and get that productive, accomplished feeling afterwards. I used to be able to do that with ease… now it seems like I can’t even force myself to write something meaningful anymore. I could still come up with stories or essays in my head but once I write them down or type them up, I either lose the will to continue or realize that what I made up in my head sucks after all.

      I miss the feeling I get after finishing a literary piece. I miss the feeling I have while writing a literary piece. I also miss that feeling I get when other people appreciate what I’ve written.

      Maybe that’s it, maybe I’ve lost my “thing” for writing because I now write to get a reaction from others. When I was just starting this little hobby, I wrote to entertain myself, to satisfy my own thirst for creativity. Back then, my only target audience was my weird mind. But when people started recognizing my “talent” and asking me to write some more, I started to revel in that feeling of actually being recognized for something. I started to seek it, I started to write with the intention of pleasing everyone else. It was easy at first, but then it just became monotonous, I got bored with my own work but at that time, I was already used to writing from the point of view of someone else, someone whose opinion mattered to others, someone whose life experiences could be considered exciting, someone I couldn’t even relate to myself.

      If I know the source of the problem, it should be easy for me to resolve it, right? But it isn’t. I’m not sure I know how to turn off that eagerness to be appreciated. I know that writing to please myself would also please others, but I can’t seem to make that connection anymore. All I know is, I miss writing. I’m not an accomplished writer, I never took any writing classes (apart from those included in our school curriculum) but I’ve always been able to write something worth reading. I wonder when that will come back…