The Gateway

An event like this is rare;
When I have a moment to myself
To remember, to ponder the past.
My past, and the lovers,
memories no longer bitter
As my wounds have healed.
Still stricken with regret,
A painful sadness sinks,
recalling the scents:

Autumn, the leaves bright,
Stubbornly hopeful...
naive.
A wave of desertion runs its course.

Betrayal by the hot summer
Spent behind one closed door,
The smell of secret intimacy.
A dream come true -
and, therefore, no longer needed.

A song from a time
When I was whole
Plays with calm urgency,
The anthem of youth:
Everything will be okay.
I did not realize what I had
When I longed for more;
I Sought any escape
from the security I took for granted.

I sit beneath the black sky
surrounded by golden petals...
Truly a gift to share with me,
from him to his daughter.
His child.
I am loved.

Morning settles in,
The mist circling
My body in ambiance, entranced
by the morning glories of my father.

I cannot recall the stale years,
The bliss that came to me
From letting him love me.
A mind molded from aggression,
Rage suppressing the need to love,
Leaving a heart free
To be cared for by anyone.

I am despicable
To mention the thought;
“He was lucky.”

I was manipulated.
I have been filled
With that pathetic soul's own sadism,
A nature which is released
Upon the child within myself.
Foolish scars breaking open,
Anger, paranoia, selfishness...
Do not ignore me.

Take your patronizing,
Your self righteous shit;
I am already broken.
I have already been used.

It grows cold;
My Father's golden gifts fade;
The night is serene.

An intimacy has changed me.
She has shown me gratitude
No words can describe.
I can see him, in angelic form,
Gripping her, haunting my beloved.

A purpose has been found,
My innocence restored.
I live with new found peace,
Fulfilling my duty, all the while
Longing for peace promised;
Death is the gateway.