Five Movies U Don't Have To Like Anymore

FIVE MOVIES YOU DON’T HAVE TO LIKE ANYMORE
and a bit about Mel Brooks
By John O’Donnell


There comes a time when you realize your friends have not matured as rapidly as you have matured. Not only have they stagnated, but also what they’ve become is so much less than what they were. I guess it comes with age, or life circumstance, or the fact the waitress has been to the table so many times you feel like you should invite her to join the group. My epiphany came one night recently when the conversation turned to “funniest guy movies of all time”.

There are several different strategies to take at a time like this, but the one that works best is to suggest another movie with as many of the same players as the one being bandied about. It works on at least three levels: one, it works if you never liked the movie your friend brought up; two, it works if you’ve never seen, but know about, the movie your friend brought up and is now spilling his beer over (and it’s not even his beer since you just bought the pitcher he is trying to pour from); and three, it works because you are telling your friend that not only is this not the funniest guy movie of all time, it’s not even the funniest movie this guy (or, better, these guys) ever made. Your friends can quote lines from movies, so you have to be prepared to either know the lines or be ready with lines of your own, preferably from the movie you are referencing, as a sort of misdirection to maintain all friendships and not get into the sort of screaming match that might keep the waitress away.

Some movies are sacred cows and you have to be sensitive to their status in the pantheons of guydom. My friend, I’ll call him Pete because his name is Pete and he’s a douche bag and wouldn’t care that I used his real name, invariably throws out Animal House. This sally is as good a starting point as any, even if it was probably the last movie he was allowed to see without his wife and kids. Animal House is one of the sacred cows and inevitably draws howls of “ROAD TRIP!” and “TOGA! TOGA!” or “May we dance wiff yo’ dates?” Beloved in guydom? Yes, but Animal House isn’t really that funny a movie. Even if he is a douche bag, I don’t want to hurt Pete’s feelings, much less incur the wrath of the Roundtable, so I have a decision to make: The Blues Brothers or Caddyshack? Animal House and The Blues Brothers were both directed by John Landis and starred John Belushi. Certainly both are iconic guy comedies, but I really only know two great lines from The Blues Brothers: “We’re on a mission from God” and “ It's 106 miles to Chicago, we got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark, and we're wearing sunglasses. Hit it.” That is, two lines once the waitress has cleared another round of shot glasses from the table. I’m sure there are other quotables, but I elect to go with Caddyshack.  Animal House and Caddyshack share writers, Harold Ramis and Douglas Kenny, and has more lines to quote than almost any movie in the history of guys. Besides, who doesn’t want to imitate Bill Murray as Carl, “the Cinderella boy”, teeing off at Augusta National. Conversation redirected! And I don’t have to admit that while I once thought Animal House was okay, it’s not really a terribly funny movie.

Jim, not his real name, thinks comedy begins and ends with Steve Martin. Perhaps in deference to the idiots he finds sharing his table, he offers The Jerk. Some funny lines, I guess, but aside from “I was born a poor black child” and “The new phonebooks are here, the new phonebooks are here” they are forgettable. The Jerk, while revered by a handful of people, four a whom are waiting for me to buy another pitcher, it should not be considered iconic unless by “iconic” you mean a juvenile first teaming of two outstanding comedic talents: Carl Reiner and Steve Martin. I quickly counter with Reiner and Martin’s The Man with Two Brains, and, funnier yet, Dead Men Don’t Wear Plaid. [Author’s Note: When trying to redirect from a bad movie to a great movie, make sure the others have seen the great movie].

The only reason we let Pauly, not his real name, hang with us is that we all want to bang his hippie sister who works in the bowling alley next to Super Cuts in the mall. With this in mind, perhaps it is not surprising Pauly rolls out The Big Lebowski. Hoots and hollers and lines after lines. I’ve never seen The Big Lebowski but know it is a Coen Brothers’ movie and bowling figures into it somehow. To be honest, I often confuse it with Kingpin—another movie about bowling I’ve never seen all the way through—but I’ve been in these situations often enough to discern between the two movies. I lob the Coen Brothers’ The Hudsucker Proxy toward the middle of the table but it falls to the floor like the coin in a drunken game of Quarters. [Author’s Note: See previous author’s note.]

Mark, not his real name because his real name is Marcus Aurelius Whizzenhut and that would embarrass anyone, raises his hand.

“Judd Apatow slash Seth Rogan?” he asks.

“No!” comes the chorus at the Roundtable. Several years ago we all agreed on the purity of these new “Kings of the Genre.” Their gifts, whether together or separate, will always be sacrosanct and protected by each of us. Just as you cannot say one Commandment is “better” than the other nine, one movie from these gods cannot be juxtaposed with another.

“Exception!” Had I dared? It was then I decided I was drunk, would take a cab home, and get my car in the morning.

“Exception? There are no exceptions.”

“Anchorman, The Legend of Ron Burgundy.” I blurted out the title before they could make a ruling. This movie has always disappointed me and I will never get back the tens of hours I’ve wasted watching it over and over again and coming away with nary a quotable line.

But the lines come from the other four like bullets from a firing squad…only each of their rifles is shooting blanks. Calmly I sipped my beer, waited for an opening, and countered with Talladega Nights: the Ballad of Ricky Bobby, THE most quotable movie of all time. The conversation turned. I had won the day, kept my friends, and didn’t have to spend the evening talking about guy movies I never really liked or hadn’t really seen.

After some time the recitation of great lines from Talladega Nights slowed and laughter became intermittent. We were all tired and a little drunk. How else can I explain someone bringing up Young Frankenstein? I walked away; I had to. Sometimes it is okay to hurt your friends’ feelings; sometimes there is no way to redirect. Sometimes you have to admit that if you have friends who still think Mel Brooks is funny, you have outgrown your friends.

My cab was waiting outside the like cab waiting at the end of “Airplane!”  Now there’s a quotable movie, but don’t let’s start that again.