The Hat Trick

The Hat Trick A one act stage play written in the Elfen form.

Characters:

Frank: A senior sniper
Jonas Sniper’s assistant
Mandy: Urban resistance fighter
Susan: Mandy’s sister a recruit

Setting. Fifty years in the future. Women have taken over and men have been rounded up and placed in work camps, or are being raised as sperm donors. A small group of men and women are in rebellion against the state and are being ruthlessly sought after. Any man found guilty of one of “The three No Nos,” is summarily executed. These are 1) Raising Arms, 2) Hunting or Foraging or 3) Having sex with a female.

Scene 1 Two sisters are operating a safe house for the Resistance. The house is a migrant shack at the edge of an urban center. It is sparsely furnished with a bed, a table, kitchen and doorway leading into a bathroom. Outside the kitchen is a porch with a swing. Susan is pacing nervously, looking out the kitchen window.

Mandy: Sit down, you’re making me nervous.

Susan: When do you think they’ll get here?

Mandy: When they show up.

Susan: I’m so excited.... I have to go to the bathroom. (Goes into the bathroom.)

(Mandy busies herself fixing dinner from a box of Government Rations. There’s a flushing sound. Susan returns to window looking furtively.)

Susan: What are they like?

Mandy: What are what like?

Susan: Men! What are men like?

Mandy: Very different, Very different.

Susan: I’ve never seen one up close.

Mandy: I can believe that.

Susan: What was it like when you first met one?

Mandy: Why don’t you just relax. In a few minutes you’re going to find out.

Susan: Have you ever done it with one?

Mandy: Yes, I’ve done it.... any other questions?

Susan: How many times?

Mandy: I’ve had them at my house over ten times and I’ve done it with half a dozen.

Susan: Did it just happen or did you have to ask?

Mandy: Sometimes they asked and sometimes they didn’t.

Susan: What did it feel like?

Mandy: Different, very different.

Susan: Oh my; gawd, here comes a pick -up. It’s them! There’s two guys getting out and looking over this way.

Mandy: Why don’t you go in the bathroom and take a deep breath.

(Susan heads for the bathroom. Two men walk up onto the porch. Frank is about twenty-eight and the Joseph is around eighteen. Frank carries a Barrett, semi automatic, fifty caliber assault rifle, a canteen, a blanket roll and a bandoleer of ammunition.. Jonas carries an M-16 variant, load bearing equipment, with a burlap bag slung over his shoulder. Frank comes up to the door and looks through the screen.)

Frank: Mandy or Susan?

Mandy: I’m Mandy. You must be Frank and Jonas.

Frank: That’s us. What a dump.

Mandy: Home is where the heart is.

Jonas: This place is the pits.

Mandy: Come on guys, a man's dump is his castle.

Frank: Some castle.

They come in, put their weapons in the corner and take off their bed roles, canteens and bandoleers.

Jonas: I need to use the bathroom. Do you have one that works?

Mandy: Over there....(Points to door). Come on out Susan. Help me fix supper. (Susan comes out wide eyed, skirts Jonas nervously and goes over to the sink to help her sister.)

Frank: Jonas shot some jackrabbits down the road.... thought we might have them with the dinner.

Mandy: That would be a welcome addition to all this government food.

Frank; If you want I’ll skin them.

Mandy: Why don’t you watch Susan, so next time we’ll know how? (Frank begins skinning and Susan watches wide eyed. This goes on for a minute while Mandy puts the plates on the table and the silverware. There is a kettle of water simmering on the stove. Mandy takes out four plastic wrapped rations and drops them into the water.)

Frank: That should do it.... if you want I can sautes these....you got some grease or butter?

(Mandy reaches into her ruck sack rummaging around. Then spills the contents onto the counter. A plastic container of Vaseline rolls out along with a canning jar filled with bacon grease. Frank picks up the Vaseline.)

Frank: You cook with this stuff?

Mandy: (Sarchastically) All the time. Try a spoonful, you'll like it.

Frank: (Laughs) I think I'll pass on that one.

Frank picks up the jar of grease, puts a dollop in the skittle and begins to cook the rabbits. There is a flushing sound and Jonas comes out closing the door. Susan looks up from watching Frank. Nervously, she glances over at Jonas who takes a seat at the table. He tightens the laces on one of his boots.)

Susan: Are you two brothers?

Frank: (To Jonas.) She’s talking to you....not polite to ignore a lady.

Jonas: He’s my uncle, ma’am.

Frank: My nephew isn’t used to being close to young women.... much less pretty ones like you two. Why don’t you help with the glasses, Jonas.

( Jonas comes to his feet as Mandy opens the cabinet.)

Mandy: Water and pitcher are over at the wash pump. (She fishes out an MRE and cuts into the plastic and dumps the contents onto a plate. She hands it over to Frank, who dices up the rabbit and sprinkles it over the top.)

Frank: I bet Susan’s your sister.

Mandy: What makes you say that?

Frank: What if I said you two looked a lot alike?

Mandy: Maybe some, but that’s not how you know, is it?

Frank: Not exactly.... when the Lieutenant gave us the G.P.S. download, he said there’d be two sisters to meet us.

Mandy: Well by Gawd! That explains it, plain as day.

Jonas: Two sisters, fancy that.

Mandy: Lets take a seat and give thanks. (Everyone sits down.) You want me to say it?

Frank: No, I will.... Dear God, thank you for the bounty of this food, may it nourish our bodies for you service. Amen.

Mandy: So, how did it go today?

Jonas: Awesome! Frank, took out the lead Humve and then the Command and Control Chopper. Bang, Bang Bang..... The convoy stopped and the helicopter sheered off, struck the ground and exploded.....GaVoooom! Flames went everywhere. (Jonas begins eating with relish as he relives the adrenaline rush.)

Mandy: Did you get away clean?

Frank: Pretty sure we did. We got beyond the hundred klick search grid, and no reports yet of any pursuit.

Mandy: Thank goodness for that.

Frank: We’ll be out of here about four o’clock in the morning. You leave at the same time... Looks to me like a pretty clean transition.

Mandy: Do you know a guy named Sully.... about your age, scar across his cheek?

Frank: You know we don’t talk about that sort of thing.

Mandy: I’m sorry, It’s just that he was nice to me a while back and I was wanting to know if he’s getting along OK.

Frank: I’m sure he’s just fine, (Winks) but you know we don’t talk about those things.

Mandy: Thanks for reminding me.

Frank: That was sure good ladies....Here it’s sundown and already me and Jonas have committed two of the ”Three No Nos.” We raised arms against the Federation and shot us some rabbits for supper.

(Susan looks up wide eyed.)

Mandy: Lets get the table cleaned up....reckon you two will be wanting to get some rest.

Frank: The thought of going to bed did occur to me. Does the shower work?

Mandy: No hot water, but it works.

Frank: Then let Jonas and I get some things at the truck and we’ll get cleaned up.

(The two men walk outside and the screen door closes.)

Susan: Are they going to do us?

Mandy: Maybe so, maybe not.

Susan: Would you mind going first?

(Out at the pickup truck.)

Frank: It was a big day for you. You made me proud.

Jonas: Just doing my job.

Frank: What do you think about Mandy and Susan?

Jonas: What do you mean?

Frank: I’m going to ask Mandy to have sex.

Jonas: You are?

Frank: Yep, Whatever you and Susan decide is up to you two.

Jonas: How do I know if she wants to or not?

Frank: You might try asking her.

Jonas: What if she says, no?

Frank: Then I guess you’ll be sleeping in the truck.

Jonas: I’ve never done this before.... it's even worse than this morning.

Frank: Deal with it, one breath at a time.


Scene 2. Jonas is sitting on the porch swing. Frank comes up and knocks on the screen. Susan jumps, Mandy turns.

Mandy: Come on in Frank.

(Frank comes inside, walks up in front of Mandy, there’s a pause, he kisses her on the forehead and steps back. Susan watches wide eyed.)

Mandy: Does that mean what I think it does?

Frank: Whatever could you be thinking?

Mandy: I don’t know, an invitation maybe?

Frank: Is that a yes?

Mandy: Step over and ask me a little louder.

(Frank steps back up to her, they embrace, and kiss long and passionately. Susan stands in a state of shock, mouth open in disbelief.)

Mandy: Why don’t you go sit on the porch swing with Jonas, while Frank and I get better acquainted.

(Susan comes to her senses and moves quickly out onto the front porch. She sees Jonas sitting on the swing and goes over to lean nervously against the porch railing. The light on the porch comes on and the one in the house goes off. Susan, nervously, rubs her hands.)

Susan: I think they’re getting ready to do it.

Jonas: I reckon they are.

Susan: Ever done it before?

Jonas: Nope.... You?

Susan: Not me.

Jonas: Come over here and sit down. The window’s open and we’ll be able to hear everything.

Susan: That's eavesdropping.

Jonas: Prefer going to the truck and sitting on the tail gate?

Susan: I don’t know, the swing looks more comfortable.

(Jonas shifts over making room.)

Susan: If I sit next to you, promise not to do anything sudden?

Jonas: Don’t fret about that. Quiet now, lets listen to what’s going down.

(In the dark room, Frank and Mandy stand on either side of the bed.)

Frank: I’m going to take my jeans and shirt off and crawl in.

Mandy: I’ll keep my panties and bra on if that’s OK.

Frank: What’s good for the goose......

(The bed squeaks as they get under the covers. The springs strain loudly and the sheets and spread rustle.)

Mandy: Woah!

Frank: What did I do?

Mandy: Surprised me that’s all, I wasn’t expecting your hand there quite so sudden.

Frank: Sorry, I’ve been wondering about these boobs of yours all evening.... sure are soft.

Mandy: My nipples are really sensitive.... ohhhhh, don’t squeeze so hard.

Frank: I’m not squeezing.... I’m just feeling them, that’s all.

(Outside, Susan sits with her head in her hands. Jonas reaches his arm around her shoulder. Susan tenses up and begins to tremble.)

Jonas: (In a low voice) Relax, its OK... if you want me to take my arm off I will.

Susan: (In low voice) You can leave it for now, but no surprises.

(Inside, Mandy moans.)

Frank: I’m taking my tee shirt off, maybe you want to do something with that bra.

(Sounds of shirt coming off... sound of Mandy fussing with bra.)

Mandy: There.

Frank: Let me smell it...

Mandy: Smell what?

Frank: Your bra.

Mandy: Here, but don’t get any ideas, it’s the only one I have left.

Frank: Ideas?

Mandy: Ideas like Sully had.... took my only other one and put it on the rear view mirror of his truck.

Frank: (Sniffing sounds, Mmmmmm), No kidding?

Mandy: For sure, and when I came out of the bedroom those bozo friends of his were cat calling, clapping and whistling..... It was obscene.

Frank: It must have been very embarrassing. (Tongue in cheek) I don’t know what came over them.

Mandy: You know him don’t you?

Frank: Know who?

Mandy: Sully. You know who I’m talking about.

Frank: And you know we aren’t supposed to talk about those things.... security and all.

Mandy: And the wink you gave me when I asked about him at supper. That was supposed to be secure?

Frank: I didn’t want to set a bad example for Jonas.

Mandy: So you don’t really give a shit about security, you just want to be a good role model.

Frank: Why are we having this conversation?

Mandy: Because you’re being a prick, thats why.

Frank: I give up, tell me what you want to know.

Mandy: How’s Sully getting along?

Frank: He’s just fine, I saw him today; Pulled out with his team just before me and Jonas; Still breathing to my recollection. Are you happy now?

Mandy: You don’t have to take that tone. I didn’t mean to make you mad.

Frank: I’m not mad.

Mandy: Are too, probably gonna start slapping me around in a minute.

Frank: I’m not that kind.

Mandy: If I give you a note will you give it to Sully?

Frank: Yes, but if you mention his name again, I’m going to the truck.

Mandy: If that’s what you want, go for it.

Frank: That’s not what I want...

Mandy: Are you hot for me Frank?

Frank: You damn right I am.

Mandy: Then kiss me on the lips.

(Springs sag, Kissing and slurping noises.)

Frank: You taste good.. I’d forgotten how sweet it is.

Mandy: Push your tongue between my lips, stroke the top of my mouth. Ohhhhh, gawd,

Frank: Mmmmm Mmmmm.

Mandy: Giggle giggle, stop stop, don’t do that to me Frank.

Frank: I’m kissing your neck

Mandy: You’re tickling my neck and I want you to stop it.

Frank: I thought women liked to have their neck kissed.

Mandy: Not this one. I can’t take it. It drives me crazy.

Frank: With passion?

Mandy: No! It tickles... It’s very annoying and don’t start doing it again.

Frank: Maybe I want to torment you.

Mandy: Giggle giggle, If you don’t stop it I’m getting up.

Frank: OK, OK, calm down, no more neck kissing.

Mandy: My lips, kiss my lips... Oh gawd, how I love it when you kiss my lips.

Frank: You have the neatest little tongue.

Mandy: What do you mean?

Frank: It feels like you want to screw my mouth.

Mandy: Maybe I do.....take that you big pussy.

Frank: You are one hot babe.

Mandy: Now kiss my breasts.

Frank: Yes, ma'am.

Mandy: Giggle giggle.

Frank: Not this again?

Mandy: Don’t stop, but not so hard on my nipple, gently with the tip, knead it, you know? Flip it back and forth, salivate on it, now draw it into your mouth, Ohhhhh.

Frank: Like this?.

Mandy: Like you are now, nibble with your lips.... yes just like that Ohhhhhh gawd, that feels wonderful. Now back inside.....suck it suck it....Yes, yes, like that, like that. I’m coming, don’t stop, ohhhhh, ohhhhh ohhhh.

(Outside Jonas and Susan turn and look at one another. Susan’s eyes are starting to glaze, )

Jonas: Is it OK if I kiss you?

(Susan nods her head and the two embrace and begin to neck.)

(Inside Frank and Mandy continue.)

Frank: I haven’t even done anything and you’re popping like an AK,

Mandy: You call kissing my breasts nothing.... Oh goodness that was wonderful.

Frank: Well maybe you can do something wonderful for me.

Mandy: Like what?

Frank: Like scootch up your butt and let me pull your panties off.

Mandy: I’m scootched....giggle giggle. Not there, my hips... take hold of the fabric around my hips.

Frank: I got it

Mandy: Now tug them down over my waist.

Frank: Be patient,

Mandy: Now my thighs

Frank: They’re coming

Mandy: Now my calves, that’s a boy, wiggle um over my feet, there now, hand um over.

Frank: I thought I’d put them on my rear view mirror.

Mandy: Like hell you will! No evidence like that is ever going to leave this room again. Got it?

Frank: I get the message. Now lay back I have a little present for you.

Mandy: What ever could that be?

Frank: Take hold of it....

Mandy: I’m reaching.....reaching.... oh my gawd, it’s huge... Surely you can’t expect me to.....no it's too big. No way!.

Frank: You better figure out something quick, because there’s no stopping me.

Mandy: Then get the Vaseline off the stove.

Frank: OK, OK, (Bed squeaks as he gets up and walks over to the stove. The plastic jar is hardly visible in the moon light.) I don’t see it. Wait! there it is.

Mandy: Goop some on, hurry up.

Frank: There I got it covered.

Mandy: Bring me some on your fingers, to slather my you know what.

Frank: Coming dear.

(Bed squeaks as the weight of his knees press into the mattress.)

Mandy: Are you trying to destroy this bed?

Frank: I’m trying to get situated.

Mandy: Put your hand down on my twinky and rub your slimey finger around.

Frank: Like this?

Mandy: Ouch! No not like that.... give me the lube.... put it on my hand.

Frank: Are you ready?

Mandy: No! I’m not ready. Give me a chance to rub it in. OK, now give it a try.

Frank: Can you spread your legs a little wider?

Mandy: They’re spread as wide as I can. Now give me your cock and whatever you do don’t start pushing until I tell you.

Frank: I’m touching it to your short hairs.

Mandy: I have it now, I’m working it, twisting and coaxing. Can’t you tell? There! It’s starting to go in..... yes, yes its starting in. Push a little... just a little.

Frank: Tell me when to stop.

Mandy: It's slipping, the head is in, it's slipping, it's slipping, oh gawd, the girth the girth! If I had only known,,,, oh sweetheart, you are a girl's worst nightmare. There! it’s in, all the way in!

Frank: What next?

Mandy: Just lay still, don’t move, let me catch my breath

Frank: Breath deep.

Mandy: Can’t you feel my boobs going up and down?

Frank: I not only feel them, I can hear them.

Mandy: Pshew! I’m beginning to relax.

Frank: Can I begin to stroke?

Mandy: Ok, real slow, easy now... nice and easy.

Frank; I’m backing out and now I’m pushing in.... its sliding just fine.

Mandy: Easy for you to say.... slow and easy now , in and out.

Frank: Don’t fight it! Relax!..., your body was designed for this.

Mandy: For a human being, Frank, not a bull.

Frank: Back and forth..., in and out.... you know you could help a little bit?

Mandy: By doing what?

Frank: By moving with me.... out and in... up and down, say that.

Mandy: “Out and in... up and down.”

Frank: In and out... back and forth. There, getting the hang of it?

Mandy: I think so, “out and in... up and down....” yeah, I think I am.

(Squeak, ........squeak.......... squeak)

Frank: Now I’m going to pick up the tempo.

Mandy: OK, Ok, I’m ready.... slip it to me.

Frank: In out, In out In out In out...

(Squeak, squeak squeak squeak)

Mandy: Up down, up down up down up down.

Frank: I can’t stand this much longer,

Mandy: Neither can I, Up and down, Up and down..... oh my goodness, SAKE! SAKE! I’m coming, I’m coming.

(Squeak, squeak, squeak squeak)

Frank: Yes! Yes!

Mandy: Give it to me! Give it to me!

Frank: Here it comes. Here it comes....

Mandy: Ohhhhhh, Ohhhhh.

Frank: Ahhhhhh, Ahhhhh.

(Pause)

Mandy: That was sweet Frank, really sweet....

Frank: I think I died and went to heaven

Mandy: Get off, I need to get cleaned up.

Frank: I’ll get dressed and we can go for a walk.

Mandy: I’m for that...there’s a full moon tonight.

(Mandy comes out of the bathroom and turns on the light as Frank ties up his boot laces. She walks over to the Kitchen window)

Frank: I wonder where Jonas and Susan are?

Mandy: They’re sitting out on the tailgate of your pickup.

Frank: Think they heard anything?

Mandy: No, they seem to have other things on their mind.



Scene 3. Frank and Mandy standing by the sink.

Mandy: Here’s the note I want you to give to Sully.

Frank: You asking him for your bra back?

Mandy: Actually, that wouldn’t be such a bad idea.

Frank: How’s that?

Mandy: It was the bigger of the two and I might be needing it.

Frank: Is something wrong?

Mandy: Nothing you can do anything about.

Frank: I’ll see that he gets it.

Mandy: See that you do.

Frank: You’re pregnant aren’t you?

Mandy: What if I am?

Frank: How do you handle it?

Mandy: Handle what?

Frank: You know......the paperwork. How do you handle the paperwork?

Mandy: It's not the paperwork! I can get all that shit I need. The Head Shed provides fake Birth Certificates, Identity Cards, In Vitro Authorizations or any other documents we need. For christ's sake, what are you thinking about?

Frank: I guess I wasn't.

Mandy: The problem is, listen up now, I got knocked up the old fashioned way and I'm old fashioned enough to think Sully should know about it. Get the picture?

Frank: I get it! I’ll deliver it in person. I promise.

Mandy: (Emotionally) I don’t expect an answer or anything like that.... I just want him to know, that’s all....that he can count on me to take care of things....now you just tell him that.

(The screen door opens and Susan and Jonas walk in.)

Susan: Are we disturbing anything?

Mandy: Frank and I were going for a walk..., a little stroll in the moonlight.

Susan: Going to be gone long?

Mandy: About an hour....

Jonas: Yawns, I think I’ll turn in. The pickup is calling out to me.

Susan: I’ll make up the bed.

Mandy: Don’t wait up for me.

(Frank and Mandy walk out the screen door.)

Frank: Like Mandy said, (winks) we’ll be back in an hour.

Jonas: I’ll walk with you to the truck.

(In a few minutes Jonas is back.... he knocks on the door.)

Jonas: Mind if I come in?

Susan: Guess not.

Jonas: Want to sit next to me on the bed?

Susan: Guess so, turn out the light. (Jonas turns out the light and the room is dark.)

Jonas: Want to neck some more?

Susan: Sure. (The springs squeak as they lay back on the bed.)

Jonas: Want to try what Frank and your sister did?

Susan: Don’t see why not.... what do you want to try first?

Jonas: I was thinking about feeling you up.

Susan: Don’t you want to kiss me?

Jonas: We’ve been doing that for the past hour.

Susan: No, I mean really kiss me.

Jonas: Huh?

Susan: Like with your tongue.

Jonas: In your mouth?

Susan: I was thinking we could do it to each other.

Jonas: Like this?

Susan: Yessss. Just like that

(Sounds of necking and french kissing.)

Susan: You’re a good kisser.

Jonas: So are you.

Susan: Keep doing it to me, keep doing it. I don’t want it to stop.

(They continue, kissing sounds, sighs)

Jonas: Mind if I start feeling you up?

Susan: Where do you plan to start?

Jonas: Your breasts, I want to squeeze your breasts.

Susan: Go ahead, but you know a woman’s tender there.

Jonas: Seems I heard that earlier.

Susan: Starts....OH!

Jonas: I told you what I was getting ready to do.

Susan: You’re the first man that ever touched me, much less there.

Jonas: I touched you in the swing.

Susan: Not my breast you didn’t.

Jonas: What you gonna do when I reach down between your legs?

Susan: Don’t go there yet.... maybe in a few minutes.

Jonas: Then let me rub your titties, how does that feel?

Susan: It feels good Jonas.... real good.

Jonas: Sit up and take your blouse off, your bra too.

Susan: If I do it, will you do the same?

Jonas: I wouldn’t ask you to do anything, I wouldn’t.

(Noises of the two getting their upper body’s bare.)

Susan: I’m done.

Jonas: Me too. Now lay back and let me touch you for real.

(Bed creaks)

Susan: You have the most beautiful body.

Jonas: You have the softest little titties.

Susan: Little is right, you can kiss them if you want.

Jonas: I was thinking about that.

(Suckling sounds......Susan groans.)

Susan: Oh my Gads that feels wonderful. Don’t stop. Don’t stop.

Jonas: Lots of little kisses, mmmmmm, your breasts, your nipples, your neck.

Susan: Mmmmmmm, Ohhhhhhh.

Jonas: You’re not ticklish like your sister.

Susan: No I’m not ticklish.

Jonas: How am I doing?

Susan: My mouth too, kiss my mouth, let me feel your chest on top of me while you're kissing. Press down, press down.

Jonas: You sure are starting to breath hard.

Susan: So are you.... What are you doing!

Jonas: I’m gonna finger fuck you. Do you mind?

Susan: I’d rather you didn’t..... I’d rather you....

Jonas: What? What?....Do it for record?

Susan: Right now I'm ready for anything.

Jonas: Let me put some Vaseline on.. I'll be right back.

(Jonas gets up and goes over to the stove. Sound of the lid popping off. Springs squeak as he gets back in bed.)

Jonas: Spread your legs.

Susan: Aren’t you going to take my panties off?

Jonas: I can't wait any longer, just hold the flap to the side.

Susan: I'm scared.

Jonas: Now take hold of me.

Susan: Where do I put it?

Jonas: For christ’s sake, you're a woman! You know where it goes.

Susan: I think so....yes, I think I do.

Jonas: Work it in, work it in.

Susan: Its going, ohhhhhh gawd, don't push so hard...It's slipping in, quit forcing it, you're really hurting me.

Jonas: I can’t stop, just a little deeper, I’m coming, I’m coming.

Susan: Oh shit! Jonas, ease up! ease up!

Jonas: Just a second now, I’m almost done......ahhhhh, ahhhhh( pause) Are you OK?

Susan: Get off me! Turn on the light! (Sounds of footsteps stroming to bathroom. Sound of door slamming.)

Jonas: Where’s the light switch? Here it is. (Turns on light.)

Susan: (Pokes head out door.) There's blood all over ny thighs...and look at the sheet.

Jonas: Where?

Susan: That big red stain, that’s where.

Jonas: It’s not so big.

Susan: What am I going to tell my sister?

Jonas: Isn’t this something a girl expects....the first time?

Susan: Get out of here, take your shit and get the hell out.

Jonas: Yes ma’am. (Heads for the door with is pants and shoes in his arms.)

Mandy: Is everything OK in here?

(Jonas passes her heading out the door.)

Jonas: You’ll have to ask your sister about that one.

Mandy: (Goes to bathroom...bangs on door) Susan, are you all right? (Flushing sound, door opens.)

Susan: I’m fine. (Teary eyed) Just look at the goddamned sheet!

Mandy: Ohhh, I meant to tell you about that part..... Ouch! did it smart?

Susan: It hurt like hell.

Mandy: You’ll be fine tomorrow... Come on, help me change the sheet. There’s one in the closet.

(Outside)

Frank: How’d it go?

Jonas: It went.

Frank: Screw her?

Jonas: Yeah, I screwed her.

Frank: Good for you!

Jonas: Made a mess of it, a regular mess.

Frank: What happened?

Jonas: As soon as my dick got inside, I blew my wad.

Frank: First time is always a little awkward.

Jonas: You might have told me.

Frank: You might have asked.

(Inside.)

Mandy: This was quite a day for you.

Susan: I learned a thing or two.

Mandy: Next time it'll be more pleasant.

Susan: I wasn’t expecting bells and whistles. I was surprised that you and Frank were having such a good time.

Mandy: I thought I heard the porch swing squiggling around.

Susan: It was Jonas' idea... that we listen in.

Mandy: He's a bad boy, and you're not much better.

Susan: What's wrong with wanting to know a little, before you try something new?

Mandy: Why didn't you just walk on in and turn the light on?

Susan: (Ignores her.) Men are nasty and sex is gross.

Mandy: Better than doing it with a gynecologist.

Susan: I'll die an old maid, before I ever set foot in a government clinic.

Mandy: Once you get used to it, a man is one of the benefits of this job.

Susan: I guess anything's better than a cold syringe.

Mandy: Consider it a learning experience.

Susan: One my girlfriends will never know.

Mandy: Just make sure you keep your mouth shut, You hear me?

Susan: I hear you.

Mandy: This is serious shit we're involved in.

Susan: I won't say anything. I swear to god I won't.

Mandy: Then get some sleep. We're leaving early in the morning.

Susan: What about them?

Mandy: Well.....We will after we feed our naughty knights some breakfast.

(Mandy walks over to kitchen window. She looks out at Frank and Jonas by the Pickup.)

Frank: Well, today we did "The Hat Trick"

Jonas: What does that mean?

Frank: Today we broke all "The Three No Nos."

Jonas: Is that something significant?

Frank: Consider it a right of passage.

Jonas: What if Susan gets pregnant?

Frank: The Geek Squad will deal with it.

Jonas: Will I ever see her again?

Frank: Maybe, but I doubt it. That’s not the way things work.

Jonas: I guess it’s for the best.

(Mandy flips off porch light)

Frank: That’s the way its gotta be.

The End