true love?

It felt right the moment I saw him, our eyes locked together and I felt a frisson shiver down my spine it was only for a moment but felt like much longer... That was the moment I knew I had fallen in love. I never thought it would happen, but when it did I kept it close inside me hugging it tightly knowing it could never happen between us, he would never consider me, think of me or notice me. Whenever he came near me my feelings would rush to the surface as though in a mad panic to escape. Sometimes at night when I’m lying down trying to sleep I wish for the simpler times when I was young and didn’t know the terrible feeling of being so helplessly in love and it not being returned.

His name... is Demetrius we had become friends from that first moment... I longed for that hour where we could talk together, walk together, or just be in each other’s company. When I looked at him my most secret thoughts would bubble up to the surface and I would want to share them with him but I knew I shouldn’t, couldn’t, it wouldn’t be fair on him I know I must never hope for more than friendship because... Well there is someone else.

Her name is Elise. She’s perfect. Her deep brown hair. Perfect. Her long legs. Perfect. She’s a total contrast to me, she’s dark and sexy with chocolate coloured eyes and I am pale with watery blue eyes. I hated her. He should be mine. Whenever I saw them together my heart would fill with rage and I would seethe with jealousy. I know when to avoid them I took note of when they were together, they couldn’t be together all day she had other things to do, racing, she was a national show jumper in horse racing. This of course added to her perfection. She has won loads of gold medals and was coveted by many people. I hated her. Although I knew he didn’t love me the same way he loved Elise. I still hoped, right up till the day he got her pregnant. Sure he got loads of others pregnant but this was different he’d done this of his own free will with the others he had been forced by the...Man. That was when I realised no matter how hard I tried when we were together, to make him realise he loved me it would never work. He loved “perfect” Elise. I’ll give him one thing though he came and told me himself so I wouldn’t have to hear it from the gossip.

That moment when he told me the earth shattering news, I knew I didn’t love him; it had all been a fantasy that I had created in my head. I paced around and around in circles, feeling so dejected, I had never loved him, only thought it. All those hours thinking about him, wasted. All those days I would wait in tingly anticipation for him to join me on our walks, wasted. These thoughts would run around and around in my head until I stopped. I lay there wishing it would end, this pain of rejection, dejection, not knowing what to do... that was the worst part, my days had been centred on him, now there was nothing... she’s won... what’s the point anymore? Nothing left to live for it had never been true love. True love what does that even mean? All I could do now was watch as they played happy families while I die inside slowly, excruciatingly slowly, I couldn’t go near him, look at him. It didn’t matter anyway I knew his smell, that earthy musky aroma that would torment me forever, I knew those brown eyes almost black like a tunnel never-ending, always looking like they could see right into your soul. Oh God. I had to keep them out of my head, the memories. Swarming around my mind like unwanted parasites. Days and nights, they were all the same now, I couldn’t sleep he invaded my dreams when I did. Dark imposing figures stood ten feet all around me laughing, I tried to scream but no noise came. Nothing. Not anymore. I was empty. Nothing left to give.

My friends told I was possessed all I could talk about, think about, was him one “friend” her name was lily told me she knew how I felt, but how could she, all she ever said was stupid stuff like “you’ll get over it” or “he’s not worth it” I just zone out now whenever she speaks.
I catch glimpses of them now and again they moved three fields over, I wish they had gone further it wasn’t far enough in my opinion they were just close enough that I could see them with their foal. So much love. He hadn’t looked back when they left he didn’t even glimpse at me or remember to say goodbye but I get it now I had just been a time filler for him until he could see Elise.