Breaking Dawn

Dawn is Breaking.

It feels like it's just the beginning of my life.

I don't know why, but watching the sunrise makes me sad, almost nostalgic, but for things that have not yet come to pass.

It makes me want things, things I know I shouldn't want.

I am young still; why do I want to grow up so fast? Why did I grow up so fast?

Why can't I just enjoy the simple pleasures of life that are available to me in this moment?

My life feels incomplete.

Perhaps God is trying to tell me something. Perhaps I have not much time on this Earth.

Perhaps.

Whatever the reason, I find myself wanting a child.

People say that I am too young, that my "clock" shouldn't be ticking so soon.

I do know that I am young, not necessarily too young, but still not really ready to support a child.

I am married. My husband and I talk about kids often, and how much we both want them. Though he is not ready yet.

It makes me wonder, why am I ready? Why do I want a child so badly that it sometimes makes me cry?

I know I am young, and I know that I cannot have one just yet, but I also know that everything in this life happens for a reason.

Logically, there has to be a reason that I feel this way.

I can't ignore these feelings forever, I've already been ignoring them for three years.

Every year the feeling gets stronger, and it is accompanied by an equally growing sense of dread.

I want to be a mother. I feel like that's what I am supposed to do.

I can't explain it very well, but it feels like everything I do and every lesson I learn is just one more step toward being ready for motherhood.

I know it sounds crazy, but it's true.

My husband places his hand over my belly and says to me:

"Baby, you'll be a great mother, I promise."

I smile at him, and he adds "Someday."

I'm still smiling on the outside, but on the inside I'm crying.

I know that he thinks he's holding me back because he doesn't want children yet, but that's not entirely true.

He may be preventing me from having a child just yet, but he enables me to do so much more.

He supports me so that I don't have to go out and get a shitty, dead end job that would drive me crazy.

He's financing the start-up of a home business for me.

He gives me everything I ask for, except a child.

I know that if I got pregnant, a lot of things would change.

Life would not be so comfortable anymore.

My husband would have to work longer hours, just to manage the extra expenses.

He wouldn't be around to watch my belly grow, and he would be too tired at the end of the day to tell stories to our unborn child.

Knowing that so many things had to change, that my husband would be missing out on so many joys of an expecting parent, and that having a child would put so much stress on him would completely rob me of any happiness that I would have had because of my pregnancy.

I would feel guilty for having put him in that situation, and even more guilty for wanting a child enough to do so.

So, I tell myself "no".

Yes, I want one, I'm allowed to want one.

I just can't have one, not now, not until we're both ready and can support a third member of the family.

I just pray to God that my body isn't trying to tell me something.

I pray to God that she will let me be a mother someday.

I let God watch over me, and I put my life into her hands.

She created me, and she knows what's best for me.

I let her guide me as I try not to worry about "what if?"