Diary Of An Unborn Demon

May 15th 2008


Another day in school, another thought of suicide. Matthew tried helping me again today; he always helps me and it always seems to work. Even though I act and dress differently to every one else he sees past that; he sees me for who I really am or is that another thing I’m fooling myself about?
I’m lying in my bed, reflecting about what has happened today and the new names that I have been called but all I can think of is the tragic happenings from the recent past; losing my mother in that car crash broke me. I constantly think to myself it would be better if it was me that had died in that car crash. Not a day goes by that I do not think of taking the plunge and joining my mum in the non existent place that they call “Heaven”. The day my mum died I tried to kill myself. I’m not scared of trying it again. Yet every time I think about anything, all I can think of is my mum. All I can see are the doctors dancing in and out while the ambulance sings; “just another boy without a sharper knife”, as they wheeled me down the corridor in a hospital bed with a deep scar going up my wrist.  Matthew stopped these thoughts before but that was before my mum passed away. It would be an epic challenge for anyone who tries to cure me from these demonic thoughts. Unless you haven’t noticed from all of my previous entries, Matthew is my only friend; everyone else deserted me a long time ago. To other people, the piercings in my lip must be a warning sign; “stay clear, demented person in the area”, since nobody comes near me.


May 16th 2008


I hate life! There is nothing I can look at that doesn’t make me feel some sort of emotional depression or the need to cry especially not my dad and his new girlfriend. Does he have no shame? His wife died only a month ago and he’s already out on the town with some slapper. It wouldn’t bother me half as much if he didn’t act like she was the only woman he had ever loved. It’s like he’s just forgotten my mother and moved on from a 16 year marriage. My life is a spiral. A never ending cycle: I wake up, I cry, I go to school, I get slated for my looks and the constant look of depression on my face.
Matthew wasn’t in school today; I had no one to defend me from the disrespectful monsters that call themselves human beings. Each offensive word that is fired at me feels like it’s just been shot out of a tank. Each one digging deeper into my skin slowly making its way to my heart that’s already been shattered into a thousand pieces. The flashback returned; being wheeled down that corridor again thinking about all the things that were running through my mind, wondering if that was the final time that I would dance on the edge of life before falling off into a dark abyss.


May 19th 2008


A few days have passed since my last entry. I wasn’t able to write anything. I was just too shook up from the horrific day I had on the 17th of May. I tried to hang myself in the maths department with a rope I found in the store room. Matthew came in and found me getting ready to jump off the teacher’s desk; I already had the rope tied securely around my neck getting ready to jump into what I would call Paradise. Anything to stop me from living this horrific life, thinking of nothing but suicide. Matthew no longer talks to me; he says he is not able to cope with me the “useless waste of space”, another name added to the list. If I died it wouldn’t make a change to anyone’s life; no one would care, and nobody’s breathing patterns would change not even for a second. I don’t even think my dad would care to be honest. When there’s no where to hide, suicide is the only way out. I just want to leave this life and join the one person who has ever cared about me; my mother.


May 20th 2008


I tried to talk to Matthew today; he just looked the other way and walked off. If I had a knife then it would have been the end of me. There were people in my life before that I would do anything for. I had a list and above this list was my favourite lyric; “The truth is you could slit my throat and with my one last gasping breath I'd apologize for bleeding on your shirt” and this was true, they meant the world to me, but one mistake and I lost them all. It was when my mother died; the depressing demon inside of me took over my body and turned me into what I am now. I hated myself then but I hate myself more now. My world revolves around my music; lyrics mean more to me than anything else. Certain lyrics do different things to me. Only one lyric comes to mind when I see my father: “I wish I could hate you half as much as I hate myself” I WANT TO DIE!!


May 21st


Today will hopefully be the last day that I live on this earth; the final breath. Words of demons sharp like razor blades, taking over my body, my soul, my being holding the knife to my throat. I can imagine it now; seeing the blood drip down my worthless body, pleading for a place in a better world; a place where I am not judged because of my looks; a place where there is no grief or emotion bar happiness. The blade across my throat as it cuts into the thin layer of skin that has been spared by the words of others. I think to myself, after the fatal slice: “how am I meant to breathe with no air?” I sat and thought about it for a minute and then I smiled. There would be no need for me to breathe. I would be done with this demonic torment. I’m going to have to stop writing today’s input because I have to write my suicide note. Just to let my dad know that I don’t care about him at all and I hope he dies. The final words I write will be for the downfall of the devil himself; my father.







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“Were here today, for the funeral of Skye Bleu, I am Father Brown who will be saying the mass with you on this tragic occasion. Skye sadly took his own life on the night of May 21st.  He violently sliced his throat with a razor blade making it a short but extremely painful death. Here is his father, Damien Bleu, with a reading from Skye’s diary and a copy of the suicide note left by the haunted child.”
“Before I start reading, I would like to say sorry to my little boy. It’s too late but I cannot let you be buried without an apology for never being there when you needed me and for not trying to stop you from committing this awful deed.” Damien reads Skye’s diary aloud for the first time, bringing floods of tears to his eyes and the eyes of everyone who attended the funeral. Each word bringing him agonisingly closer to his knees.  He finished reading from the diary evidently hating what he had done to his little boy, looking around for the emotional security of somebody else which was not coming. People were in shock over the words of the diary.
He slowly clears his throat, lifting up the note, gradually getting closer to his face like his hand was being held down by a ball and chain. He starts to read, his voice chocked with tears.

“This is the last thing you will have to remember me by. I hope you feel bad for the pain and suffering you have caused me. Evil thoughts and evil doings, Cold and alone you hang in ruins, thought you'd escape the reaper but you can't escape the master keeper. When mum died, the way you treated me father, ripped out my soul. It was replaced by a sheet of false protection made of the urge to self harm and my hate for you. I already have the knife ready; ready to help me bleed to death making life so much easier for you. You may have had a lot of grief in your life but it doesn’t match what I have gone through. You should have been there for me when I was getting bullied. Every day of my life was a misery, like a broken record it was just the same things over and over again. Have you ever really danced on the edge? Have you ever been told that you’re worthless? You're so crazy; enough in a way that I'll probably say you destroyed me. For a while I was cleaner than now, and then I started to destroy myself with things that I love now. The things that I hate until it finally broke me.
I don’t think you know what you've been missing. Forget me it’s that simple. One night and one more time. Thanks for the memories even though they weren't so great. Now that I’m gone you no longer need to worry that you haven’t hurt me enough for today. Because this has been building since I have been breathing and you now know how it ends. I’ve disappeared from this pitiless earth because wherever I end up will be lifetimes better than how I felt here...with you. The demon within has taken me away.”



REFERENCES
Pierce the veil- Yeah boy and Doll face
Pierce the veil-The balcony scene
Jordin sparks-No air
Taking back Sunday-Your so last summer
The used-Choke me
Fallout boy-Thanks for the memories
Ozzy Osbourne-Suicide solution