Salt and Sh*t

You ever get an an e-mail message that someone forwards to you...and it is just so sappy and stupid that you want to barf? Here's one I recently received that was so bad I had to respond...my comments are in brackets.





Tequila and Salt



"When the world tells me "Give up running,"

Hope whispers, "Try it one more time."

-Author Unknown

I say, “Screw it...Watch TV and forget it entirely—

running is too hard on the knees!”



This should probably be taped

to your bathroom mirror

where one could read it every day.

(And it will cover your fat, ugly face in the process!)

You may not realize it,

but it's 100% true.





1. There are at least two people in this world

that you would die for.

(And 7 billion you wouldn’t give a rat’s ass for…and perhaps an

even thousand that you would glad shoot in the head

for the hell of it…)





2.. At least 15 people in this world

love you in some way.

(And that way is probably twisted, immoral, or illegal.

Remember, sodomy is love, too!)





3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you

is because they want to

be just like you.

(Please! You provide tons of reasons for

people to hate you simply because you are alive. )







4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone,

even if they don't

like you.

(Only if you’re smiling as you leave and they know they will never have to see you again)





5. Every night,

SOMEONE thinks about you

before they go to sleep.

(And it’s downright scary what they’re thinking, too.

I’d move to another city and change your name.)





6. You mean the world to someone.

(That person needs serious medical attention because you most likely

have them caged in your basement.)





7. You are special and unique.

(So is everyone else, deal with it.

And being ‘special’ just means you rode the

short bus to school. And what's so great about being unique?

If you had a third arm growing out of your chest, that would unique,but it

wouldn't get you a date.)





8. Someone that you don't even know exists loves you.

(They saw that naked photo of you on the web—

the one where your face was blurred out by the police cameras.)





9. When you make the biggest mistake ever,

something good comes from it.

(Right! Someone else makes a profit from your

overwhelming stupidity and at your expense. You ain't

going to get diddly.)





10. When you think the world

has turned its back on you

take another look.

(It means your driving the wrong way on a one-way

street, jerk! Maybe there's a reason everyone is headed the other way

like perhaps you're headed for a cliff or they're fleeing from a gang

of mutant zombies.)



11. Always remember the compliments you received..

Forget about the rude remarks.

(It will be easier to remember that one off-hand remark

than the millions of insults you receive on a daily basis.)





So...........

If you are a loving friend,

send this to everyone,

including the one that sent it to you.

If you get it back, then they really do love you.

(If you don’t get it back, it merely means that other people

have more important things to do than sit around and

write sappy e-mails trying to bolster their sad, pitiful

lives by believing that they are lovable the way they are instead of trying

to change and make real friends. Or the people you sent it to are

politely attempting to tell you to leave them the hell alone.)





And always remember...

when life hands you Lemons,

ask for Tequila and Salt and call me over!

(IF you get lemons…figure the chances. Have you ever gotten fruit of any

type just dropped on you? Unlikely. It is more truthful to say—

“If life gives you shit, sob and piss your pants like the crybaby

that you are, and for God’s sake, don’t call me. I have enough troubles of

my own and I don’t need to deal with your whiny-ass whimpering.)



Good friends are like stars.........

You don't always see them,

But you know they are always there.

(Hah! Friends are more like leeches—

They hang on and suck you dry, and the minute you are no longer

of any use to them, they drop off and go find someone else to cling to and bum from.

And I considered YOU a friend, but you felt it neccessary to curse me

with this piece of shit e-mail.Some friend you are...go take your meds now, I

think you missed a dose or twelve.)





I would rather have one rose and a kind word

from a friend while I'm here

than a whole truck load when I'm gone.

(I’d rather have a winning lottery number and a ticket to someplace nice…

but you have fun with that rose, buddy!)



Happiness keeps You Sweet,

Trials keep You Strong,

Sorrows keep You Human,

Failures keeps You Humble,

Success keeps You Glowing,

But Only

God keeps You Going

(Fertilizer makes plants grow, makes them strong, and keeps them going—

Maybe God thinks we’re all plants, ‘cause we sure get a ton of shit dumped on us…)







'Worry looks around, sorry looks back, Faith looks up.'

(Healthy paranoia looks everywhere, buys a handgun and locks the door.)