The Complexity that is Love

**************--Prologue--*******************

It has been my past experience to find that I'm just not suited for a good guy to come into my life. As I am only 17 years old (almost 18), everyone who I speak with about this particular subject only has to say "You're young, you'll find someone. You have your whole life ahead of you." and so on.  However, my parents married young and are still very happy today. Married for over 30 years now, they seem pretty well off. I find that in a way, we daughters are like our mother. All with the dark brown eyes and brown hair.  My eldest sister is independent, and she does work pretty hard for what she wants. My second eldest was married young, unfortunately, she has been making more wrong choices than right, but she knows what she wants, she just gets distracted by lust.  The sister next in line is closest to my age, and the most like our mother. She is incredibly hard working and compassionate. I find it difficult to be angry with her for any long period of time. There's always something else there to distract my anger and turn it towards laughter. In many ways, I've used to to lean on. If something had ever happen to our mother, she would be the one to take over.  Then we have the little sister. She is adopted but even so, she actually looks like one of the family. Has the brown hair and dark eyes. Personality, she is a spirit whom I'll never tame, or want to. The battle would be to much from me. Everyone in my family has some muscle to them. They're all growing into what will be very beautiful people. Some have put on a few pounds, and some have always had those pounds. One is pregnant (the second oldest) with her third child. All of her children are half siblings. One just got married in May. She lives in Australia with the man of her dreams. One recently was dumped, but she was glad about it. The boy's mother has grown him into a "mama's boy" and he wants to be away, but can't pull himself to do it. Manipulative and a little vulgar, I'm glad she's rid of him-- for the most part. The little sister has had a couple of cutsie crushes, but nothing serious.

Me, on the other hand..Oh me. I'm so different from the pack. I'm the skinny blonde with blue eyes and a 4.0 in school. The smart girl, and the object of ridicule. Minor as this seems to some, it's created in me a monster of strange fluctuating proportions. Not only do I look different from the pack, about the only thing I am like my mother is a low-blood sugar tolerance. Besides that, I might as well been the adopted one. I keep to myself, but I can't live alone. I love deeply, but I hold grudges. I can't brush off the little things, and I let everything affect me. My life will probably be short, but it won't be boring. I long for a good relationship so much so that I allow myself to believe my lies to make things work. Something I hope to grow out of.

Overall, my family life has been great. My parents never divorced and they are my birth parents. My dad doesn't hit us, my mother never yells. We slink on our chores, but got paid for them anyway. We understand responsibility without being thrown out into it like a sack of potatoes. We've all received "Just because I love you" presents on numerous occasions, and to be honest, if we asked for something, about 95% of the time, they'd let us have what we wanted. None of us bother to ask. Compared to most of my friends, my life is relatively perfect.

These perfect conditions are a breeding ground for other problems to arise due to boredom and desire.




**************--First Love--************

My first crush was in 4th grade to an adorable boy about 7 months younger than me. He was in my class and my best friend, Courtney, knew I liked him. She was a really good friend to me, and I'm sorry now that we've lost touch. His name was JD and I simply adored him. He was one of the brightest kids in class. Got an A+ in spelling for finishing out the book, and was a genius in mathematics. He was so cute, too. At least, I thought so.

One day, my sister decided that she and a girl named Molly (who had been my friend in 2nd grade while Courtney was gone) were going to blab my secret to the cute curly blond I so admired. When he asked me about it, I confessed it as true.

He stopped talking to me after that.

He did give me a little Christmas present that year from the school provided "Santa's Workshop" where most of us bought Christmas presents for our families. It was the sweetest thing he ever did for me, but he was still ever avoiding me.

In 6th grade, I still liked him. No one better had come along, I suppose. Courtney had moved again (I got to hang out with her in kindergarten, 1st grade, and 4th.) and I've never seen her since. I had established other friendships that could have lasted, but I'm possessive and selfish and brought my own downfall. He was my constant, though. My dream. He never went to dances, though. I had always hoped to find him there.

One day in school, they had a switch up day, and had a little dance during school that everyone went to. He agreed to dance with me, and it was the best dance ever.
I would to this day never dance with someone and feel so comfortable again.

7th grade year, he moved. I never saw him after 6th grade, and he never would come to our annual banana split party at the end of every school year.




***************--Be Careful What you Pray For--*************

That year I prayed to God for either Courtney to come back, or to get a boyfriend. It was a tough call which I would rather, but since I hadn't seen Courtney in years, it's likely that she and I would drift away anyway. A boyfriend would be someone new to get to know and to perhaps enjoy the company of while also being a milestone in my dating life. (To this day, I've never been on an official date.)

I began to have a crush on a boy named Brent. He sat in front of me in one class, but because he talked to me as a person, and not as the target, I liked him. He was very funny and made up all kinds of crazy stories to make me laugh. He knew I liked him, even though I denied it to him all the time. He said that he didn't want to ruin our friendship, and that I wasn't girlfriend material for him. That was okay, I still liked him. 

At one of the dances, I'd talked to him a while, but mostly hung around like a lone wolf searching for someone to dance with. Anyone, really. Then a girl came up to me and said "Are you Whitney Davis?"  I stared at this little stranger confused.
"Yes...why?" I asked.
"Just wondering." She started to walk away.
"Wait, how did you know who I am?!" I interrogated.
"My brother."
"Who's your brother?"
"Ryan Buchanan." Hm...I thought. That's Brent's best friend.
"What about him?" I asked.
"C-R-U-S-H" she said and ran off. I had to think for a second as I spelled the word out in imaginary ink from my finger tip. As soon as I realized what she'd said, I went instantly to go tell people. A girl named Barbara had the biggest crush on him, and I (being the selfish and unthinking person that I am) told her as one of the first of this gossip.
"Ryan Buchanana likes me!" I say.
"Me?" She asks kind of stupidly.
"No, ME!" I say in confirmation. Then we go around looking for him. As soon as I found him sitting on the floor against the far wall, I say to him loudly "You have a crush on me?" 
First words out of his mouth are "I'm gonna kill Tracey!"  I figured that that was his sister who'd confronted me.

After that, I slowly got to know him. He seemed nice enough, and asked me out on January 31, 2005. The relationship was subtle and sort of cute. I had weird feelings about him half the time, though, but did my best to ignore them. I called him relentlessly when they finally got a land line. I was 13 years old, and I was also just becoming a woman that very January.

Ryan was mostly very quiet, and quite into video games. He was nice enough. Gave me my first kiss on the cheek in March, and on the lips in May. During school, of course. We were usually late for our last classes because of it. It wasn't so bad. My last class was band. It wasn't going to kill me to be a little late setting up my flute. 

Summertime was bliss. I was over at his house about twice every week, and more if I could plan it. He went to my house very rarely, though. His mother always insisted that I go to theirs. We were mostly hanging out in Tracey's room. I'd befriended her and I miss her to this day. When she'd started her period, she'd come to me before her own mother. I was honored by that. She and I got along very well.  She did respect our privacy when I wanted to be alone with Ryan. His mother quickly learned that I was a picky eater, so I was teased. It wasn't so bad because Ryan was nice to me.

His mother..oh his mother. A few times I thought she'd kill him. I don't know. She, I guess, had a bad history (drugs and parties in her past) and had somehow managed to keep the family alive. She was crazy. One time I was at her house and she told me that if I didn't convert into a Seventh-Day Adventist, that I'd be the only one in my family saved. I went home in tears that night. My whole family, even the sisters I was mad at most of the time, were there for me and telling me "John 3:16!!"  and repeating it to me to make me feel better.



*********--Why It Died--**************


At the start of my 8th grade year, I'd moved away. I still did my best to keep in contact with the boy. Our house wasn't finished, so we were all living in a trailer. A camp trailer. I hate that trailer and I'm glad it's gone. There was no laundry stuff in the house yet, so my mom drove to the other house (down the street from the high school where Ryan was going) and we'd (my sister and I) would accompany her. Our Wednesdays were all half days so we got there before school got out for him. I sure surprised him. He missed the bus to hang out with me, and when his mother came, she was ready to kill him. D: I'd never seen someone so mad in my life, and I doubt I ever will. We went home (and my mom laughs at this now) and thanked our mom for never yelling at us.

After that, we squared away with her what was going on, and she agreed to pick him up on Wednesdays so I could see him.  It became a regular thing until about November, right before my birthday. I had excessive strange feelings in my gut about him. I told him that I didn't want to be his "girlfriend" anymore, but I did want the attention he gave me. Basically like a friends with benefits sort of deal. He seemed okay with it. I'd still be acting like his girlfriend, and just the title changed. After that, it was like a weight was lifted from my shoulders. I'd never been so glad in my life! (I'm probably exaggerating.) It felt good, though.

The following week, we were supposed to meet him again, but I couldn't. My mom had gotten sick, and kept my sister home from school to help her run all the errands needed to be ran. Including the laundry.  We missed the meet. I wrote a letter explaining the situation. I'd tried to call before hand, but they'd lost their land line a few months prior and had no minutes on their cell phone. The following Tuesday, my mom has a splitting migraine and the phone rings. I'm still at school, so I don't hear about this until after I get home.  It was Ryan's mother.

She was yelling at my mom for the previous Wednesday for not showing up. I had explained in the letter that my mom was sick, but went anyway. She'd taken it like my mom was keeping me from seeing Ryan. And poor Ryan was left standing in the cold that day because he'd expected to see me. I was expecting to see him until that day.  My mom was puzzled by this and then it hit her: Phone! *click*  She didn't answer back even when Ryan's mom had blocked her own number. My mom's not stupid. She'd left a few threatening voicemails too. That really scared me. I wanted to talk to Ryan. I called, and I asked for Ryan, but I only got to talk to him for like, 3 minutes. The rest of that hour long conversation was with his mother who was really bothering me. Eventually I got off. I didn't go to see him after that. I pretty much had lost contact. He called me a couple of times, but the time between was months.





*************--One After Another--********************

I'd started talking solely to Brent after that. He was nice enough to send me updates on what was going on, and how Ryan was kissin' on some other chick.  Ryan started being really weird by the next summer.  He claimed that a demon named Sieg was in in mind and took over his body. Then there was Seth, and another one who's name escapes me. I believe the other one was "female," and rather ditzy. Seth was sort of a  goof, and sieg was devious. Ryan claimed that in order for us to go back out, he'd have to break a blood contract he'd made. For this contract to be broken, it meant that Sieg would return to him. I tried to shrug it off, but it was really scary. Some of the things that he said to me were very hurtful, but then "Ryan" would come back and be as sweet as ever.  The whole summer was really stressful in that way. I'd be relying on Brent for information and updates, and even talk to Ryan while he was at Brent's house. Brent also claimed to have some demons. His was named Torrin. And he used this against me in a cruel way later on.

When Ryan finally decided he really wanted nothing to do with me anymore, I was a little heartbroken. Naturally, I'd put some time into him just to have it all fizzle out in a dramatic display of what drugs can do to the mind. Shame. 

I'd lost all crush-like interest in Brent, but he caught me on the rebound. He finally decided that I was worth a try, and had confessed his ever admiration for me. He said that he'd liked me all along. I agreed to go out with him Sept. 25, 2006. Shortly after getting my first cell phone. The relationship was fine at first, but because it was long distance, it was mostly a phone thing. The first time I saw him when I was going out with him, everything was instantly different.



***********--The Changes--**************

He stopped telling his funny jokes. He stopped being the cool guy who worked hard for my dad.

He started being all clingy and huggy. He kissed me that day. He also complained about having to work. We were putting down carpet to the big upstairs room that I share with two of my sisters. Brent was just giving me the heebbie-jeebbies! Those uncomfortable feelings were strong in my veins again. I couldn't quite figure out why.

Then, as he had to go home, he tried to French kiss me. Which, the day before he came, I'd specifically told him NOT to do.  I didn't get any sleep last night. I was disgusted and I had all those feelings in my gut. It was awful. D:

As time wore on, I swallowed my fears of a Ryan-Repeat and kept things going with Brent. I consoled in him my daily problems, I exchanged sweet words and desires, and I went out of my way to see him.

Everytime I saw him, it was a little less uncomfortable than the last. Although, there were usually moments that bothered me especially. Like once, he hugged me from behind and would NOT let me go. I was not happy about that.

That was the most peculiar birthday ever. I'd invited Brent, and a new friend from school, Derek. He was cool. And I had an unexpected guest-- RYAN!




********--Cry Baby--**************

The last time I saw him was January 1st, 2007. I was feeling unusually weird that day. I'd decided (half way through The Phantom of the Opera, a movie that to this day I can't stand because of him)  to take a walk. He decided to follow me. It was a chilly day. I led him down to the creek. On the way I'd explained to him that there were sometimes where I felt I loved him, and others that I wished I'd never met him. He took this hard. He cried. Gosh, he cried. To this day, a boy crying about a break up like that is weak in my eyes.  I tried to be nice about it, but on the inside I was dying to get rid of him.

When we came back to the house, he kept hugging on me, and being all mushy. I was pulling away and he said
"you act like we're broken up."  I was like 'wow, really?'  The next day, I phoned him, and explained to him  that yes, we were broken up. Gosh. Finally. I was happy about that too.



*********--That Friend and the Snow Day--*****************

January. It seems to be my best chance at love. At least, with the ones who like me. I'm just always too dumb to see it.

Derek. Oh Derek. What a guy. He was my favorite boyfriend so far. He was clever, and he was romantic. He was pretty funny, but he hung around the wrong crowd. His faith was nonexistent. Brent was a Christian, but...He just wasn't for me. 

Derek charmed me into liking him even more than I already did. We were in dance club together as partners while I was dating Brent. All those funny moves embarrassed me because I had a boyfriend. It all eventually switched to hip-hop. Not so crazy about that. Anyway, I'd started to hang out with him more exclusively, and one day, it was all snowy, and there was a 2 hour delay. My friend Mary wasn't at school that day, so I was having a lovely time with Derek. That night, we spoke through a note system on another site we both have accounts for and he said the most clever of things. I learned that he liked me too.

We started going out a month after that. I'd had the least amount of weird feelings about him, which made his company blissful and like a dream. I called him regularly, and talked on the phone for hours. My record, I'm ashamed to say, is over 5 hours. Then the phone died. It was almost 4 am when we finally got off. The phone bill came and my parents found out. One more stunt like that and they're taking my phone away. This was all in my Freshman year of school. 

Derek was funny and wonderful. I went with him to the Valentine's dance. He's a little tall for me, but it was all very cute.


*********--Spring Break--*************

He went to California to visit his parents. (Here, he was living with his grandparents). He visited his old friends and seemed to have a good time.

When he finally came back, I was so glad to see him.  However, something was different after that.  At some point, he gave me scabies. It's a horrible little bug that burrows into your skin and makes you itch all over. Nasty little parasite! I can't remember if this was before or after Spring Break. He was good and told me when he found out what it was. We both had to get treated. I probably wouldn't have gotten it if I didn't wear his sweaters all the time. We'd switch off with his sweaters so they'd smell like him on me. I had Brent's sweater forever. I think I might still have it in a Goodwill bag somewhere. Eh, whatever.

Anyway, we got rid of the scabies. Worst stuff ever. ><;; I've been treated for it before, but my whole family treated for it once because some one was excessively itchy or something. It was years ago. Not fun. Don't get scabies!

He was mostly the same, but there just was something that continually went down hill about him. I confronted the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus." It was a very good read. It certainly captures the interest. I learned a lot about how the male mind works. I guess he was struggling with his Grandpa about stuff, but he wouldn't tell me. He just became distant.  I really wanted to be there for him, but he kept pushing me away.  Then, before I knew it, he was wanting us to take a break. Then, on May 24th, 2007, he dumped  me. He said that we weren't ready for a relationship. Something like that. 

I tried to stay strong, but I eventually broke down. I was heart broken all that summer. Then he started going weird on me, like the other two, and I've been pretty steamed about him ever since.

I think I have a panic disorder. Everytime for the longest time that I ever saw him, or heard from him, would stress me out substantially.




*******************--Desires Unfulfilled--******************

I spent my Sophmore year mostly lonely. It was an easy school year. Geometry was my math class, and Earth was my science. I discovered then that Earth science was my favorite, and I'm now looking into geology as a possible career.

As I was lonely, Mary was still interested in her beau, Justin. He was a little off the wall, nerdy, but not really in a smart way at all. He was pretty tall, not as tall as Derek, wore glasses, had blond hair and blue eyes. Most of the guys I've ever liked have blue eyes. About half have blond hair too. I've liked 7 guys in my day (not just a short crush, but more serious) including the one I like right now. Out of the seven, only one had brown eyes, and that was JD.  Two had brown hair, Brent and Ryan. Ryan had dark brown hair, and Brent's was regular brown.  (Ryan was cuter than Brent.) Ryan wasn't that tall, but Brent and Derek were. JD was about my height.

Justin is taller than me, but not quite 6 feet. I'm about 5'3". Tall guys are good.

Anyway, I was just lonely, and I suppose just really wanting to forget about Derek, and so I formed a relationship in my head with Justin. We never officially went out or anything, but Mary knew I liked him and she wanted to kill me that year. I avoided her as I could. Justin was nicer to me, and made the funniest face when you tickled him. Flirting is fun, but it makes me feel weird when I flirt with people like Justin. Justin has always creeped me out a little. This is me ignoring that yet again.

Eventually, the following summer (summer of 2008) Justin never called like he promised. Well, he did call. He called durning church. I was going to kill him. I'd never felt so embarrassed.  I let him come over a week later, but I was still seething. I'd felt ashamed for ditching my friends at the beginning of Summer to spend time with him at the Banana Split party. Mary knew I did that. She was very distant that day.  Anyway, I got mad at him, so I got over him.  The next year, I'd expected Mary to be just a b-word about it, but she said she was over it.  That whole year we just had conflict. I'm not sure why.




*************--Potential?--*************


A boy named Jesse used to go to my school, but moved. He didn't move that far away, he just moved out of the county. (We're practically on the border.) He showed up around Christmas time last year. He started coming to my church almost regularly for a while. I couldn't get him out of my head. 

I knew he was funny, blond, blue eyes, had a vision of what he wanted, and he attended church. Oh, and he's very musically inclined. That's a plus! ;D The only problem was that I could probably never see him except at church, and he was usually too busy chatting with others. It was almost as if I was invisible. Everytime I'd try to join a conversation, he'd pack up and leave soon after.

He was playing the flute for  our Christmas program. He'd sit in the pew until he was up. Occasionally, he'd look at me and offer a smile. He knew who I was, after all.

I dreamed about him a couple of times. It was nice a sweet. I felt jittery when he came near by, and longing when he left. I didn't think I'd ever see him again after he moved, but I guess I was wrong.  He was dating one of my sister's friends back when I knew him. I don't know his status now, but I haven't seen him since early this year. Like..January? If even that. He played beautifully, and showed up on Christmas Eve for a Christmas Eve service. It was truly lovely. I was lighting candles and I got to light his. His smile in the candle light was a one I'd remember for months as a thing of beauty.

After that, I really didn't hear much.  I did hear that he went to his prom. I saw a picture of him and a girl that one of the church ladies passed around. That was the disheartening part. It would seem he's taken. I don't know this for sure, but it looked that way to me. I decided to give up on him. He didn't seem interested in me anyway.

No potential. I was so sure too.




*********--Friend Through a Friend--***************


My church friend, Beth, was in a play recently. It was called "The Loman Family Picnic" written by Donald Margulies. It's a quirky play that takes place in 1965 that resembles the famous play "Death of a Salesman" by Arther Miller. It's one you should go see if you ever have the chance.

Anyway, Beth was playing the mother, and she put on this hilarious Brooklyn accent that just captivated her character! I laughed so hard when we went over her lines! It was so much fun! I started going over to Beth's house about every Tuesday in August. She let me come to one of her practices and that started it all.

We stopped by Taco Bell on the way, and I had ordered one. She paid. That was nice of her. We walked into the theatre and she starts to introduce me indirectly.

"That's Deric, our lighting guy." He looked over and waved. At first glance, he looked an awful lot like the Derek I knew. ( I found out later his name is spelled differently, so it makes it eaiser to identify through writing. Praise the Lord for that!) He was tall, blond, and thin. Oh, and he wore glasses. They're broken, but he can wear them in a way that it doesn't look like their broken. I had glasses broken the same way once. 
"That's Judie, our director. That's Chris, he plays Stewie, and that's Dane, he plays Mitchelle."  She was pointing people out left and right. We established our selves in the audience and I stayed there the whole time. I moved only once when we left. 

They decided to work on the musical part of the play. I heard the song over and over again, while Deric was messing with the lights a few rows in front of me. David, or "Herbie" in the play, I didn't meet until later. We didn't go over his part of the song as much as the other parts, though, I think he needed it the most.

My attention was mostly on the play, but whenever that boy said something, it was usually funny. I'd laugh and he'd catch a glance at me. I'd smile back in amusement. He always had something hilarious to say, and it always made me laugh. I was sort of afraid to talk to him. What would I say to him?

Finally, near the end of the practice, I piped up and commented about his glasses. That broke the ice for something both beautiful and tragic.



***********--The Beautiful Tragedy--****************

The second time I got to go with Beth to her play was when it was an actual performance. It was one of those dress rehearsal nights, so they'd be doing a little fine tuning, but mostly just playing it all the way through. The crowd was minimal and there were plenty of seats.

This night, though, Beth took me through to the Green Room, a room that isn't actually green at all. Just a place for the cast and crew to hang out. I got to know Judie better, as well as Emilee, Dane, Mary (Dane's twin sister), Chris, and of course, Deric. He had a friend there that night, Sean. Sean was okay. Deric put on quite the hilarious display for his friend. Good times.

At some point, I was commenting to Chris about his singing. We were at the entrance to the lighting booth where Deric was at. I told him that I thought he had a really nice voice, but he was too quiet. He assured me that I'd hear him better this time. Then he walked over to where the window for the lighting booth was and Deric held out his cup and said "Go fill this with water."
Chris was like "Do I get a hug?"
"What? No! Just go get the water." He replied. Chris whispered to me that he just wanted to see if he'd do it, lol.
"I'll get you the water, but you just have to give me a hug." He said to him.
I piped in this time. "What if I got a hug?"
Deric looked at me. "You'd enjoy that!" He said.
"So?" I shrugged. 

Anyway, he did give him a hug, lol. And I was invited to stay in the lighting booth for the extent of the play. I didn't have a chair so I sat mostly outside of it. I stood on my knees if I was inside the booth with Deric and Sean.  Later, I complained about my knees, and Deric gave me his chair. That was nice of him. 

After the show, I thought about him a while, learned a few things about him that day. I learned that he draws anime and that he has a girlfriend.

He has a girlfriend. Oh. Oh well. I guess, you know, that it's not that big of a deal. He doesn't like me anyway. I don't really REALLY like him. I'll just shrug this off.


The following Thursday,  was very tired. I was involved in a major fundraiser the night before and very early that morning. I had to wake up at 3:30am to make it to the fund raiser in time. We served food to hundreds of people, and then we bussed tables, and then we packed up all the chairs and tables into a truck. I went to my second period class, and then went home around 10. I was about to cry when I couldn't get a hold of my mom to confirm that I could go home. 

Finally, I made it home...to find the baby horse got out!  I was so mad. I was exhausted and had to chase a baby horse. I wanted to just leave it up to my little sister, but my mom guilt tripped me into it. Nobody else was home, and if something happened, (like he got on the road and got hit) mom could be sued for it. I buckled down, grabbed the horse crop, and biked off. I found him, made him follow me a little, and then when we finally made it all the way to the fence, I had to scare off the other horses from going out, and in turn made it more difficult for the baby to feel safe enough to venture back in. I say, I was proud when I finally managed the task, but I was so tired.  I went home, and hid my cell phone so my mom and sister could bug me with texts anymore and eventually drifted for a two hour nap. I woke up to my sister coming home to her computer. I got up, when to the bathroom and talked to my mom a little bit. I told her that after the hard day, I was going to chill at Beth's house. I talked to Beth, she said it was okay, but only for a little while because she was planning on taking a nap. 

To my surprise, she was in curlers. "Uhm, nice hair." I commented.

"Oh, yah. It's for the play." She replies.
"You have a play tonight?" I asked surprised.
"Yah, I do."

I got to accompany her.

I bought my own Taco Bell, and I sprang for two this time. I wore a black shirt with black pants. I took a bite into one of my tacos, and glop! A nice glob of sour cream on my black shirt. Darn the luck! I cleverly hid it behind my taco bell bag and made it to a bathroom without being questioned. I wiped off what I could. Then I proceeded back to socializing with everyone. I talked to Deric about some stuff. He showed me a picture he drew, it was very well drawn, I was surprised. I drew a picture for him to keep and I put on my drawing site so if he was ever curious, he could drop by and see what was going on.

It was "pay what you can" night, so I went ahead and bought a ticket. (I usually get in free.) I paid 5 bucks. All the money raised that night goes to the cast and crew. I went and claimed a seat. Deric walked by and I asked "Do you mind if I bug you again?"
"Don't. Come on up." He replied.  I went up there, claimed a new seat, and enjoyed the view. I was paying attention partly to the play because I'd only seen it all the way through once, and partly to his crazy shenanigans.

I caught him staring at me a few times. When I looked over, he'd have on a sweet expression and  a smile, one that I gladly returned. He often poked my side, and I'd jerk at that. We talked about numerous things and he then said out of the blue,
"You look nice tonight."  My hair was a mess!
"What?" I asked, I wasn't entirely sure I heard him right.
"You look nice." He answered.
"Oh..Thank you!" I paused a little. "You look very stylish yourself." I commented, and he was funny about it. I enjoyed that night.
When it was time to leave, I said "I'm coming next Thursday."
"I look forward to seeing you again." He says to me. My heart jumped to my throat. What a glorious night. It was quite fulfilling.

Everytime I think about him, I remember: He has a girlfriend.





********--Surprise!--***********

I got to see him the following Saturday. My sisters and I went to see the play (because I raved about it and the hilarious accent of Beth's). We were late, though. Yes, we didn't arrive at the theatre until after the doors closed! I went around to the first door I knew might give us a chance to get it. To our luck, a lady was there and I asked her to let us in. I told her we could pay, but she seemed skeptical. She left for a moment, and then she came back saying stuff that makes you feel like you're a kid on the wrong side of the tracks. Something like "I don't know what you're trying to pull here..." and I interrupted her.
"I'm friends with Beth, she plays the mother. I've been here before, they know me!" Then comes David to my rescue! He lets us in. This whole time I feel very hot in the face because it just looks like I'm taking advantage of my knowledge to sneak people in. This night is my least favorite, I think. Judie, bless her heart, let us sneak in, and I get my sisters situated, and dart up to the lighting booth myself. I waltz in to find three guys up there.
"Do I get a chair this time?" I ask casually. Deric looks up in surprise.
"Hey!" He says as he scrambles to give me his chair.
"Who are these guys?" I ask.
"Oh, this is my friend Justin. Whitney, Justin, Justin, Whitney."
"Hi." I say. He told me the other guy's name, but I can't remember what it was. Deric said that he was leaving after intermission, so I figured it didn't matter anyway.
"I wasn't expecting you to come." He said.
"Neither was I." I said. Then explained about how my little sister's Birthday was next Thursday, the day I planned to come, and this was her present.
"How was your week?" He asked.
"Well, since I saw you last..." I started.
"Oh, well, weekend."
"Actually, I wasnt' feeling well yesterday." I told him.
"Yah, a lot of people weren't feeling good yesterday. Emilee said she was feeling sick." He said.

I didn't have very many moments that time, but him with his friends is very funny.

I didn't hang out with him during intermission. I did introduce him to my sisters before going into the green room. I invited them to accompany us. My sisters were shooed from the Green Room. that made me feel bad again. I hate feeling alienated and I hate to alienate others. I didn't follow Deric out of the green room, I stayed there to talk to Beth. Then I found my own way back up. My sisters were trying to get me to sit with them. Judie gave me a break. 
"Hey, go tell Deric we're ready for him."
"Okay!" I say halfway up the ladder to the lighting booth. 
I reestablished my seat again.


I sat out the play waiting for opportunities. None. Oh well. I always had next Thursday. There was always something else.

***************************************************Taking a Break**************************