I don't understand

How do I get myself into these situations?

Why did I get myself into this one?

Why did I go through with this even though I knew it could only go badly?

Because I wanted her.  And I wanted him.

I wasn’t ready for her to be the one to choose someone else.

I wasn’t ready to be the one she rejected.

Why did she tell me those things that night?  Why did she do those things to me?  Surely she, of all people, understands the significance of a touch, an embrace, a stolen kiss?

Perhaps this is a sign.  On one hand, it solved my problem of choosing between them.  I don’t have to explain to him, or (especially) to my family, that I’m in love with a woman.

I wonder if it would have been easier to deal with that than with this feeling that I’m experiencing now.

I don’t understand, I guess, is what it comes down to.  The night before she told me that I was an integral part of her life.  That I was such a wonderful person to have in her life. 

Before we started this whole thing, I made sure that the other girl wouldn’t, couldn’t, come between us.

And then she did.

I suppose that, in the back of my mind, I always knew.  How probable was it that she wouldn’t be a factor?  Perhaps I just pushed it from my mind because I didn’t want to consider more people being involved in our semblance of a relationship.

I wasn’t ready.  I wasn’t prepared.

I don’t know if I even have the right to feel this way.  Five days is a both a blink and an eternity.

I feel like I let myself fall into an impossibility of my own making.

I am so goddamn stupid.

I knew better.

I knew that it would come back to hurt at least two of us.  I guess I just wasn’t ready to be the only one.

I don’t know if I’m ready to give her up either. 

I wonder if that’s why I’m so upset.  Is it just because I still want her?  When I say it like that, I feel so shallow.  I also just feel so inadequate.

I think I would be OK with it (at least a little bit more OK) if she told me that it was because I was with someone else.

But she didn’t.

She told me that I wasn’t the one she wanted.  She told me that she wanted another girl.

Another girl with a boyfriend.

Another girl who will never allow me to see her again.

I think this is why I’m so upset.  I am losing not only someone who I considered a possible partner.  Because of another girl-the girl she chose-I’ve lost her for good.

And this is why I’m crying.

I can’t wrap my mind around what I’ve done wrong.  I almost wish that I could blame it on my other relationship.

Because that would mean that it wasn’t about me as a person. 

I’ve been rejected before, from much longer, deeper relationships.  Why is this one so hard?

I hardly knew her.

Why do I care so much?

Why am I still crying?

It’s over.

Why can’t I accept that?

Why am I still crying?

I feel like I don’t even have the right to be this upset.  I only knew her, knew her for five days.  I’ve been in longer relationships and been dumped.

I don’t understand.

She won’t even look at me.

The other one flaunts her in my face.

She smiles as the other one holds her.

I wonder if she’d still smile if she could see the tears streaming down my cheeks.

She says that I still have him.  When I’m upset, he’s usually the person I run to.

How am I supposed to tell him that I’m in love with a woman who doesn’t want me?  How am I supposed to hurt him like that?

But, how am I supposed to cope with this without him?

Throughout this whole thing I’ve, I guess, convinced myself that I’m living two lives: one at home with him, and one here.

I wanted here to be with her.

I just feel so stupid for thinking that it could work.

I was going to talk to him.  I was going to honestly consider being without him to be with her.

Why do I regret having to think about that being taken from me?  Why do I wish I still had the chance?

Why am I still crying?

I just want her to be happy.

I just want to be happy.

But I wish she could be happy with me.

I wonder when I’ll see her again.

I wonder when she’ll look at me again.

I wonder what I’ll even say.

Will the other one be standing with her?  Holding hands?

I’m not ready.

I wasn’t ready.

Why do I look for her?  Is it because I want to see her, just to look at her from afar?  I want to make sure that she’s smiling-I think.  Maybe I’m looking for something.  The question is, am I looking for happiness or sadness?

I am so shallow.  And so unbelievably stupid. 

Why did she say those things to me?

Did she really feel them, or was it just the “heat of the moment”?

I meant them.

Every word.

Not an hour after she I we spoke them, the other one was yelling at her.

About how she hurt her.

How?  How could she have possibly hurt her after she’s the one who said that there was nothing there?

She made her cry.

She made her cry.

She made me cry.

I don’t want to make him cry.

I didn’t want to cry either.

If I’ve learned nothing else, it’s that I can’t always get what I want.  But, that’s not what this is all about.  This is so much bigger than me not getting what I want.

I never cry.

Why am I still crying?

I don’t understand.

I don’t know if I want to.

Because that might mean that,

I’m still crying.

Why am I still crying?

I don’t understand.