Reflection Essay

Stuck in the Mud

I had to get away. Life was becoming too complicated, so I jumped in the car and started to drive. North. Somewhere fresh. Somewhere new. I can remember feeling irritated, aggravated and just plain done with everyone and everything in my life. Nobody understood me or anything I was going through. How could they? I always went out of my way to make everyone else happy but no one ever cared to do it for me. Everyone in my life was so selfish, so focused on themselves and always taking from me. I felt like I was disappearing and just needed to be alone and focus on myself for once!!! I was fed up. My husband only cared about himself; his family never gave a shit about me or the kids. And my friends… well it was always about what I could give them. “I’m done!” I thought. Even when I stopped for gas this fat crazy bitch in front of me was taking entirely too long, just to find exact change. “There are more people in the world that have lives to get to… so hurry the fuck up!!!” I thought to myself. “And nobody knows how to drive. There’s no passing lanes to get around these idiots either… always in my way.” I was sick of other people making my life constantly harder. And why? I’ve paid my dues. I’ve worked for what I have. I have a life too, so just get out of my way!!!
I pulled down the long two-track which was covered with fallen leaves from the night before. It was dry. Very dry. Almost like someone had sucked all the moisture out of everything. I felt cold and alone and was enjoying that feeling. Seeing nothing but dying trees, broken branches, and crumbled leaves was exactly what I needed. No people, no one demanding anything from me, just me and my own darkness. I got down to the end of the trail, got out of the car and slammed the door. In front of me was the bay. The waves crashing furiously on the shore, breaking what little of the beach was left.
I stood there for a moment, and continued to stew. Finally I was important. At least here I don’t have to worry about anyone else getting in my way.
Then…something caught my eye. There was something in the pond just over the hill. Well, at least it used to be a pond. Now it was just a huge mud hole. Filled with slimy bloodsucking creatures ready to slowly but effectively drain you of whatever they could. It smelled worse than an old outhouse. It was drying up due to the lack of rain. Eventually it would be gone, and no one would ever know or cared that it existed.
Walking over the hill, I noticed something struggling with the mud. It was foreign to that spot, and the mud was trying to eat it. It was a dog. He was stuck and he was losing the fight. His eyes seemed to light up when he noticed me.
Something came over me and every thought in my mind disappeared. I was on a mission now. I had to free this animal from the mud. I kicked off my brand new shoes, pulled up my Jordache jeans above my knees and slowly plummeted into the mud. Within inches I was up to my thighs, and needed to make it just a few more feet to get him out. Not thinking of my own safety, ruining my clothes, or of all the nasty creepy crawlies in the mud, I continued forward. I reached as far as I could, grabbed his collar and started to pull. This was a large dog, and being the tiny person I am, I honestly have no idea how I got him out. Some strange, uncontrollable strength came over me allowing me to drag him from the mud, and free him from the trap he found himself in.
I carried him down to the water, rinsed him off and carefully laid him in the sand. He looked horrific. By removing the mud, I was able to see that all the hair on his body where he was submerged was gone. “How long have you been stuck? “ I thought to myself. There was only skin, seeping sores and pain. His feet were crippled, unusable as far as I was concerned. Lying before me was a broken and helpless creature, moments ago within minutes of his life. Completely unable to move on. He was broken. Unable to recapture what he had before. Unable to walk, unable to live pleasurably, unable to be.
I sat there for what seemed like forever, just talking to him. Telling him that everything was going to be ok. Telling him that it wasn’t as bad as it seemed. Trying to help him realize that no matter what, this wasn’t the end. He had a reason to get better. I was there and no matter what I wasn’t going to leave. I would be there for as long as he needed. No matter what!
Time passed and nothing else seemed to matter for a long while. We looked at each other, and without speaking had intense conversations. He seemed to listen to me complain, and even without saying a word, helped me to just let it out. However, with each of my complaints, he would squirm, bringing me back to think of his pain, that he may die at any moment, and I was going to be the last person he was able to spend time with. He would snap me out of the negative thoughts I was hanging on to about my own life and push me to focus on what was happening RIGHT now.
Then just as quickly as I came upon him, he stood up and started walking down the beach. He was filled with determination. He knew exactly where he was going and was unfaltering in his decision to get there. He left all of what just happened behind. Gone. Never to look back again. He wasn’t thinking about how long he was there, the fact that he almost died, or me and how I helped him. None of that mattered now. None of it was going to affect him moving down the beach to his so-wanted destination. It was if he turned a page in a book never to be looked at again. In front of him was the entire beach, his home and that’s all he was concerned with.
He never looked back…
I don’t know where he was going, home I assume, but it didn’t matter. I watched until all I could see was a faint dot in the distance. Even after he was completely out of sight, I still sat there wondering where he was going and if he made it. Was there a child there that was happy to see him? Hugging and loving because they were afraid he’d never return. Was he cuddled up in the living room just happy to be with his family? And would he remember what happened, or me?
When I finally went back to the car, and started to drive home, I felt a sight urge to hear the words, “thank you.” I had come out of my normal self, came to much needed aide, and that’s what is supposed to happen when you do that, Right? There’s supposed to be a thank you…
The thank you that I did receive didn’t come in any sort of voice. It came when I finally realized that I needed to let go. I needed to look at myself and how I was the only one in control of my life and my feelings. I needed to realize that you don’t do for others just to get something in return. The real reward is the feeling of self-worth that isn’t visible or apparent to anyone but you.
The past is just that. The past. It doesn’t have to define every part of me. When I fail to see what is right in front of me, and focus on what has happened, I miss everything that’s truly important. I miss the joy, the laughter, the love… and am only able to build on the hate, pain and suffering of the past.
This is what happened. I couldn’t have ever realized then how profound that moment was. Or how it changed my life forever... There was no way I could have fathomed that a simple creature, (and not the significant people in my life), could help me to see those things. They were what (I thought) I needed! They were the ones that were supposed to care and help me to see what was truly important. And where were they? Why did I have to hear this from a dog? An animal whose only goal in life is to please others.
None of these realizations hit me at first… and not till years later… This experience changed me (Not the people around me). Completely. Something clicked that day, and continues to click in my thoughts and ideas about life. It made me a better person, someone that other people wanted to be around. Someone that didn’t only think of themselves. Someone that cared about what I did and what I said and how it affected others. I needed to focus on what was ahead of me, and get to the real part of living. Leave the past behind, and free myself from the mud.