It Was You or Me

          I sat there in my little apartment, equipped with a tub of butter pecan ice-cream crying as my favorite romance movie that I've watched over twenty times in the last week flickered on the large television screen. I hadn't left the apartment in the last week, not to even bring in the newspaper. Dishes would be piled up, laundry dirty, floors not mopped if not for the cleaning lady that came in twice a week. 'Thank goodness because this place would have been a pigsty' I thought as i looked around the freshly cleaned den. The only rooms of my apartment I seemed to travel into lately were my bedroom, the bathroom and the den where i currently sat weeping at the movie. I was never the emotional type so if I were to have an out-of body experience right now, I wouldn't recognize myself; sitting there like a love sick puppy, crying my eyes out in worn-out pajamas, gaining a pound a day eating ice-cream. I dared not to look at my hair, I hadn't touched it in the last week either; I felt how I looked run downed and broken, like my heart.

          The tall, sexy, honey colored man in the movie was pouring his heart out to his woman, whiles she turned her nose up to the air. "Don't be fool girl, that man loves you." I shouted to the t.v. through a voice hoarse from crying. This particular scene always got to me; it's the exact way my guy poured his heart out to me,but i was foolish, I had told myself i didn't love him, couldn't love him, wouldn't love him, but the worst lie a person can tell is a lie to yourself. 'Cause I loved him more than anything, and i only realized it when it was too late. My train of thought was broken by a ring of the telephone, I threw the ice-cream to the floor and watched as the remote went halfway across the room as I dashed from the den into the hallway to pick up the phone. 'Please let it be Kaden, please let it be Kaden' I mouthed before picking up the receiver on the fifth ring I had so much to apologize for and so much more I wanted to say. "Hello" I said into the phone voice breathy from the small dash. Those ice-cream pounds are starting to get heavy on my chest I thought as I looked down at my flattened tummy. "Hey Mikki." said a perky little voice on the other line. It wasn't Kaden but my best friend Nola would have to do. "Hey girl" I said with all the enthusiasm i could muster.

"You alright hun? Just calling to make sure you're not in the bathroom with both wrists slit." she joked on the other line. Nola had been my best friend since fourth grade. We have history which is why she got away with that flat joke. When we were eighteen Nola had slept with my boyfriend a the time, a handsome Cuban boy named Valdez. I loved that boy, he was my first everything; first kiss, first love, first lover and she did that. I was furious at her for weeks, but she humbly apologized and swore it was a mistake that would never happen again, I believed her and seven years later it never did. She had called me twice a day since the break up with Kaden to check up on me, the funny thing about it is she always said " You know you only gonna realize how much Kaden means to you when he gets tired of your shit." and damn did she call it cause that's exactly what happened. Had Nola put a jinx on my relationship? No, of course not, maybe I'm looking for someone to blame other than myself for this mess. "No darling, both my wrists are fine, thanks for the concern. What you doing home on a Friday night?" I asked knowing my friend the party girl would never have a night in on the weekend. If the spot was hot she knew where it was, and would have been there before they became that hot spot. " Well, I'm checking in with you and about to beg you to please come with me to this new club down in Brooklyn. Please, please, please." she begged into the phone. I was suffering an emotional breakdown from the lost of my Kaden, on the verge of becoming a whale and I looked worst than a drunken street whore and she wanted me to go down to Brooklyn to drink and dance as if my life wasn't in shambles. Was she sane? Or is my own sanity to question? "Nola I'm sorry but I can't , I don't ever want to leave this house again if Kaden is with me." I said into the receiver, she started to protest but I quickly said my farewells and hung up. I walked my bare feet from on the cool tile of the hallway onto the warmth of the plush wine colored carpet of the den. I looked at my blackberry, sitting on the second cushion of the large beige and wine couch; no new messages, no missed calls, no emails and no voice mail. I winced a little, was Kaden really that upset with me that he would actually cut off all communication with me?

        I walked up the stairs to the bathroom and to the tub , turned on the hot water and ran me a bath. I threw in a few a bath crystals and also some bubbles. I walked over to the large floor to ceiling mirror that stood at the side of the tub and nearly fainted at the reflection staring back. I shrugged; I was in no mood to play dress up; who would I be dressing up for Kaden wasn't around? I walked slowly to my scarcely decorated bedroom, it held only a large king size sleigh bed, an armoire , and two night stands with books on one and a lamp on the other. There was also a good sized walk-in closet that I called my baby and a large stereo system in a small corner that Kaden got for me; I loved music. I walked over to the stereo system shuffled through some Cd's and threw on Whitney Houston's "I Will Always Love You" and walked out the room back into the bathroom to check the water's temperature and found it to my liking. I turned off the sterling silver faucet and climbed out of my worn out Mickey Mouse red and gray pajamas into the warm embrace of the water, bubbles and crystals. I submerged myself under the water to my neck in the large marble tub. I frowned at the memories of the nights Kaden would hold me whiles we soaked together. I closed my eyes, and a tiny tear raced down my face to dive into the water of the tub as his smile flashed in my head. I could recall the day I met Kaden and fell for that smile that landed me in this situation like it all happened yesterday.



(To be continued)