Death Animals Orgasm Rule Sleep Sneeze

Meditations on Death, Animals, The Orgasm, Rules, Sleep and Sneezing



"How nice - to feel nothing, and still get full credit for being alive." -Vonnegut, Slaughterhouse Five


I wonder what the worst thing god gave to the human species is. Sometimes I think that its the fear of dying but I'm mostly sure that its shame. To my knowledge, no other animals feel shame. I'm pretty sure that no other animal takes shame in being an animal either. People however, people seem to take great shame in being an animal.

You're six years old in a restaurant. You've finished your fries and your sandwich and all that's left on your plate is half of your ketchup. You, liking ketchup as much as you do, decide to pick up your plate and lick the ketchup off. Your mother throws the table up and begins to beat you until the brink of death. You never lick the plate. You should be ashamed!

You're 13 now and your hot pre-algebra teacher is leaning over your desk and you get a nice view of her melting hot breasts. Your heart begins to beat faster and it begins to pump more blood through your body and a good amount of that blood goes to your cock. It gets harder and thicker and longer and it begins to point to god. You stand up and reveal to the class that you have no pants on. Your glorious erection is there for all to see. The other children jeer and cringe in disgust at you! The teacher takes her sharp-sided ruler and slits your throat with it and suddenly your cock starts going limp.

You never compliment a woman! You should be ASHAMED!

Wait a second. Why?

Lets look at your dog (or lets pretend that you have one): Your dog licks its plate clean. Your dog shows its red-rocket when its horny. Why would us human beings, the most rational motherfuckers on the planet give a dog, a filthy beast more rights than we give ourselves?

I actually want an answer to this.

Oh? Sorry, you'll have to speak up, I can't hear you. "The rules," you say? The rules are why we couldn't do those things, why we should be ashamed?

Gee, I remember rules. I remember playing tag with a boy named Douglas when I was six and every time I tagged him, he would say, 'oh, well you have to tag me with both hands.' I would tag him with both hands and then he would say, 'no, you can only tag me if I'm on this side of the field!' You know, I get the feeling this is how all the rules in the world were created. Some petty loser couldn't deal with losing so he decided to fuck over the human race. Makes sense.

Religion seems to be the origin of most modern rules (surprising isn't it, that religion would be the root of something nonsensical). I think its pretty much agreed among most that religion was a response to death or the fear of death. As far as I can assume, death is feeling nothing.

Guys: Recall every orgasm you've ever had.

Girls: Continue to believe you've actually had an orgasm.

Okay, now that you're doing that, try to recall the best moment of an orgasm. Do you recall that moment, less than a second, when you feel absolutely nothing? If you can't, then try to notice it next time you pluck your pickle (or girls, find out that your conveniently shaped Nintendo Wii controller vibrates).

Orgasms. Aren't they great?

Aren't they

heavenly?

You know when you're trying to come, and you cant, its annoying isn't it? Let's recall other things like this:

-Sneezing

-Sleeping

Do you know why people say 'god bless you' when you sneeze? Your heart stops. Look it up if you don't believe me.

Sleeping. That's the closest you get to feeling nothing for the longest amount of time in a day, is it not?

Death and Sex! Ever wonder why those sell more movie tickets than anything else? To further create parallels and connections between sex and death, let's look at the purpose of sex: To create more people. Also, let's pretend that you agree with me about all of this just for the fuck of it. So, in the process of creating life, you feel a second of death. And this one second of death is the sole reason that life can be created! Genetics and the species, life is carried on through sex. If you've assured that your life will be carried on, why would you fear death?

So when I die, I'm going to spend the rest of time having an orgasm. No. No, it's going to be better than that. I'm going to spend the rest of time feeling absolutely nothing.

Forgive me for being so optimistic.