please read the letter

Please read the letter

Hospitals, I hated them. They always gave me the creeps. Death and pain that’s what they reminded me of. You can’t blame me when all I remember of them was monstrous stabbings into my arm so I wouldn’t get the flu. But then again there is something beautiful about them. It’s a place were broken things can get fixed. My mom, was here. The irony is my mother wasn’t here to get fixed she was here to, die. She had a brain tumor that not only made her unaware of her surroundings but rid me of her memories. Devastating as it is, I have said what I want to and I  have done what I need to do. My mother died as she had wished, alone. At first  I was hurt and angry with her, with the world. Why didn’t she tell me? I could have been there.
Please read the letter .That’s all she left me.
I won’t lie, I was furious because I could do more than just read the letter. I should have been by her side. She should not have been alone. So what am I doing here, what am I doing in a place that creeps me out ? It was my mother’s last wish that I see what lessons life holds in a place of great sadness .


My first stop labor and delivery. This ward proved to be the most gruesome and loud of all. Of course it would be, with everyone on that floor squooshing a watermelon out of them .Its also were  I decided that maybe adoption was my best option. And not like any other part of the hospital, the ward smelled like baby powder.The sweet fragrant was quite different from the concoction of disinfectant, vomit, urine and rotting flesh. Thanks mom, I get the idea. The greatest rewards come from great hardships.


My second and possibly most important stop was my visit to the pediatric ward. I seemed to have been transported into a whole new universe. It was vividly  bright, and colorful. Peds was the most fantastical section,  I had encountered in that dreadful  place. It was there where I forgave my mother ,for not loving me enough to let me ,say goodbye. It reminded me of all the other things she had done for me. I remembered movie nights, fast-food Fridays and my all time favorite, key lime pie Thursday. The kids in this ward, though near death were alive in ways the world should be. They were not angry nor did they hold grudges. Children have the purest of hearts. Thanks mom, I get the idea. The great man is he who does not lose his child's-heart.


My last stop and where my mother spent her last days, was the cancer center. Room102.My mother’s resting place. It was dark, quiet and slightly chilly but homey. Just as she liked it. No sign of human life noticeable but a medium-sized box  with all her belongings  folded, packed and ready to go. As I stood in the doorway staring at the now empty hospital bed, her last words ignited.
Hannah,
Mourning is for all the things we didn’t say and do. You and I, we have done and said enough. So, so what if this is where our era ends, life goes on. Start afresh, be bold and daring because this was only the beginning for you. Live to the fullest  so that when its your time, you will shed the life that had become your skin without a regret.
I love you.
Mom

A wave of hope began to course through me. Somehow those few words changed something inside me. Although I knew I would still miss her tomorrow, a month from now, and a year from now, that letter made me sure of one thing: I would survive.
At that moment, I knew I would be able to move on.
I was ready.
Ready to be bold.
Ready to have an adventure.
Ready to LIVE.