Goddess of the Moon

This is a small part in a book I have completed, but I am still editing, etc.  Feedback would be greatly appreciated. 



The story is about a girl that has had the "crush" on a boy since seventh grade, but he has not once given her the time of day until now. From early on she knows that there are family secrets that her mother and grandmother don't want to share, until they think she is really ready to know about them.  The even encourage this puppy love - telling her to trust in what she believes and anything is possible - leading her to believe that there is more behind the story than meets the eye.  What is is that she doesn't know yet?  Her suspicion only grows when her dream guy tells her the same thing.  What is it that they are all hiding?  What does she have to do with all of this?  These questions are answered in later chapters.



I

THE DREAM



         I knew from a very young age that I was different.  I was special.  I could see it in my mom’s eyes.  It wasn’t because she was my mom and it was her job to call me special or to always believe I could do anything, but it was just the unusual feeling I would get when she looked at me.  She looked at with me with a feverish adoration.  A look that was most usually given to someone that you admired or aspired to be like one day.  Not the typical look a mother gave her only child whose only talent was her incredible ability to draw. 

No, it was these looks and the constant talks with my grandmother about all the possibilities I would bring to the world that made me believe that they were right.  For some reason, I was special.  I didn’t know why or how I was different, but I knew that they weren’t lying to me.  The world one day would belong to me.  Now, my only task from then on was to find out what was so great about me.  What made me special?

         The secret itself had started out long before I was born.  It was a secret kept strictly between my grandmother and mother.  A secret that in due time I was going to be let in on, so I was told.  It never really bothered me that they didn’t want to share this news with me right away; all I cared about was that one day I would understand why there was so much fuss about me all the time. 



         My life was as normal as any other girl’s life.  One major down fall was that I never got a chance to know my father.  A man that my grandmother says was remarkable and very dashing.  My mother on the other hand never got over the grudge of him leaving so soon after my birth.  But no one ever asked me how I felt and I had lock up those feelings in a hidden hole in my heart never to be set loose.  In all honesty, I never gave him a second thought.  He was never a part of my life, so how could you really miss something you never had?  The only drawback to only having one parent was that when things got tough or my mother couldn’t deal, we were always on the road.  A new town, a new school, a new life.  Adjusting was my middle name. 



         I was in the seventh grade when I knew I was in love.  Of course, he didn’t know I was in love with him and he didn’t know at the time that he would love me someday, but nonetheless I was hopelessly in love.  It wasn’t some school girl crush – puppy love – that I would soon get over.  No, my feelings never changed, by default they only got stronger and to my horrid nightmares, he never seemed to notice.  It was love, no matter how you looked at it, that was what it was and this silly little crush never faded.  It didn’t help matters any when I had my mother and grandmother telling me every night not to give up hope, ‘Dreams really do come true, Phebs, just be patient, let nature takes its course and you will see.’  Yeah, that was their advice to me since the very first moment I came through the doors squealing about the boy I was head over heels in love with. 

         Wasn’t it wrong somehow for a mother and grandmother to encourage a thirteen year old to never give up on loving this one particular boy?  Shouldn’t they be telling me that you will have many love loses and that was okay because one day that true love will just appear out of thin air and sweep me off my feet?  Instead, I was told never to waver, never give up, that if I was truly meant to be with this boy, then one day – one day soon they always said – it would be within reach.  There would be no more chasing, no more sleepless nights crying, it would magically happen as it was always meant to be.           

         Back then I thought they were full of crap, who in their right mind would believe that a middle school crush would lead to anything more than that?  But now, now I see the possibilities, as stupid as they might still seem, I still believe that if I wish hard enough anything is possible.  Even a silly dream that I had back in seventh grade. 

*  *  *  *  *



The light streamed through the window as I yanked the cover up over my face and rolled over to continue with my dream.  I was running through a field of wild flowers, wind blowing my hair, hand in hand with the perfect guy.  The guy I had dreamed of for so many nights of my life.  We stood still in the field looking at each other and then back off to the distance.  Everything was blurry to me, but I knew someone was out there watching, waiting.  I could feel it, I could sense the emotions of the person, or maybe there was more than one, that were watching our every move.  A strange sensation overwhelmed me before I could pull away from the hold that had me at a standstill.  The hand clutching mine was getting stronger; I could feel the sweat starting to form in between our hands. 

Before I could say a word, a light breeze went past and all the scents were stirred up.  The fragrance of the wild flowers along with a peculiar odor startled me.  It wasn’t something I had noticed before, but not odd either.  It was sweet, salty, rusty and a little unearthly.  The smell of danger.  Just then the objects in the distance moved and were out of sight, they vanished into thin air right before my eyes.  I tensed, not knowing what to expect, but I knew as long as he was beside me, nothing was going to happen.  I was perfectly safe with him.

         That was only one of the many dreams that I started having since that fateful day in seventh grade when I proclaimed my love for Kelan Adams to my mom and grandmother, who unexpectedly jumped for joy.  A strange site to behold for any girl when her mother and grandmother are ecstatic that she is in love at such an early age.  Yes, well we all can’t have the perfect sane family that tries to keep us well grounded to reality. 

         I had to hurry if I didn’t want to be late for school again.  Lillie, my mother, was yelling at the top of her lungs for me to get out of bed right before the alarm clock sounded.  She was nothing but punctual when she wanted to be. 

         The writing on the desk was entertaining.  The words “I Love LP” had been left by a girl in red permanent marker.  Right next to it someone else wrote “He HATES you! ”.  It never surprised me how teenagers wanted to announce their love for someone even if it vandalized property.  The more places a person could proclaim his or her undying love for someone the greater the chance they may have with that person.  The people in this school were no different than any other school in America.  Graffiti could be seen in every classroom, on lockers, and on the back of the bathroom stalls.  The janitors attempt to erase the declarations of love were beginning to fail. 

I was at least thankful for being at this school, I had been in this town for a few years now and that was a record.  Every time my mom broke up with a boyfriend she would come to the conclusion that we were in the wrong town and needed to find another place that was more suited for us.  Like anything would please my mother. 

As I sat in first period, I hoped that maybe I would get to finish high school in this dull little town.  Instead of moving to an exciting place, mom always had the ability to pick the same old place, places where everyone knew everyone else’s business before they even knew what was going on.  A town where the happening thing was to have a scanner in your home to know what was going on anywhere in the county; who was fighting, who had a wreck; someone drunk on the roads.  It was an amusing little town when you sit back and thought about it. 

         Sophomore year had started off with a bang a couple of weeks ago.  I still was nowhere close in getting my dream guy.  It seemed that each step I took forward he made two steps back.  This flip flop rollercoaster was getting on my nerves.  One day there would be a smile and a quick glance shot my way and then the next was as if I never existed.  The last four years of being overlooked, despite the encouraging enthusiasm from my supportive family, was getting me down.  I was starting to see no possible future for me and the one guy that had my heart and didn’t even know it. 

         To distract me from my awful woos, my friends and I would hang out at the local bowling alley every Friday and Saturday night.  The place smelled like mildew and mold.  I wondered how the health inspector ever let the place continue to be opened; the air was deadly to breathe.  The place was long overdue for a revamp.  The glow in the dark party themed carpet was blotched in several places with stains, the ceiling had water damage and the concession stands’ red and grey laminate countertop was peeling back around the edges. 

Even with all the flaws, it was the usual spot and the same old crowd.  At one end, you had the preps, then the not so preppy preps and at the very end were the rest of us.  I guess you could call us the “normal’s.”  I am sure the other groups have their own names picked out for our group, but to us they were the strange ones and we were the normal people. 

         This was the one place where I could come and not be reminded of the ever looming idea of an impossible heartbreak.  An inevitable disappointment that seemed to loom over me every day with an ominous presence.  It was a place to take my mind off any worries, a place to be a teenager, to live and have fun.  Not a place to sulk around in pain and be miserable.  No, that was left for the night time in my room when I was all alone.  Me and my tears. 

         They, the group that I longed to be a member of, would never be caught dead in a place like this.  It was beneath them to come anywhere near the rest of the human population.  They were loners amongst themselves.  And so, it was more than a shock to everyone when they came strutting through the doors, all perfect, gliding not walking, confidence illuminating their stances. 

My first thought was to make sure they didn’t catch me staring, but I had to get a glimpse and it wasn’t like I was the only one gawking at their presence.  I was desperately hoping that he would come walking through the door with them.  I could feel my heart racing, not sure if it was excitement or a feeling of hurt, anger, and disappointment all rolled into one.  My breath still catches every time I think of him, just think of him – nothing more than that.  I feel so stupid sometimes, how can a boy have such a hold on me and he not even know it, I thought to myself as I began to lose hope of seeing him tonight.

         The door began to close and for some odd reason I became hopelessly depressed with disappointment.  How dare he do this to me, how dare he keep hurting me.  As I started to place my coke back on the table and return to my friends, I watched the group, the “Untouchables” as we called them, make their way through the crowd and enter the arcade room.  Why does it have to be a separate room?  Why can’t it be all open?  I wondered to myself.  Oh how I wish I could see in that room, see what they were doing, even wish to be a part of them.  My thoughts were startled by Abbey’s voice in my ear.

“There he is, there he is!” she shouted as she ran over to me, shaking me like crazy.

I shook my head to escape my thoughts to see what she was talking about.  The door had opened in the midst of my daydreaming, and there he stood.  I could feel my heart race as blood rushed through it, pumping so hard I thought I was going to faint. 

         I immediately shot Abbey a look that told her to hush.  She was my only friend that knew the way that I felt about Kelan.  I never dared to tell anyone else because I would never be able to live it down.  The aggravating about “being in love” with an “Untouchable” would be the entire conversation at lunch and every other gathering from then on until I gave up on the fantasy or at least pretend to give up. 

         My eyes followed Kelan, the guy that I couldn’t breathe without thinking about each day – the total reason for my existence - as he slowly made his way to the back room.  I know I should not have starred, but it is hard not to watch him.  Reaching the arcade, he turned and glanced my way.  Quickly I looked the other way hoping he did not see me looking his way.  Oh I pray he did not see…. Please.

         Derek broke my prayer when he yelled, “It’s your turn.  If you don’t get up here I will bowl for you.  Hurry up, we don’t have all night.”

“What’s your hurry.  It’s only 7:30 and we do have all night, at least till 10.  Plenty of time to finish this game.”  I walked up to retrieve a bowling ball as Derek came up to me.

“What’s wrong with you?  You act like you have been in another world.  Guys, Phoebe has been fighting off demons again in another world, her face shows it all,” he said as he touched my rosy red cheek.  I slapped his hand away as he gave me a dirty look.  If he only knew, boy he would be jealous.  He had been my friend since the day I rolled into this town.  But here lately he acted like we are more or at least he was trying to be more than friends. 

         I rolled the ball down the alley and as I turned back around, I stuck out my tongue telling him and Evan to beat that. 

“It seems that I still have what it takes.  The girls are still winning.”

Abbey threw her hands up for high fives as I moved out of the way for Evan to take his turn.  I high fived Abbey and looked toward the back room.

“What do you think is going on back there?  They never come here.”  Abbey said as she looked in the same direction.

I just shrugged my shoulders.  That was the million dollar question of the night.  One that I desperately wanted to know the answer to as well as so many others.  I knew I wasn’t the only one that wanted to know.  I sat down at the table waiting my turn when we heard lots of laughter coming from the back room.  My only place to escape to had now been invaded by the ones I had been running away from.  There was no place to hide anymore. 

“Sounds like they are having a good time.”  Derek said as he sat down beside me.  He slowly tried to put his arm around me and I bat it away from me just as quick as I can.  If there was ever a chance that Kelan could be looking, then I couldn’t let him see Derek moving in on his territory – like there was ever a chance of that anyway. 

I couldn’t believe he even noticed them. He always had rude things to say about them, but here lately, he had gotten worse.  I wonder if he has noticed me looking at Kelan or maybe it’s just because we were at the high school now, I thought, or maybe he is jealous, Abbey and I do talk about the group now more than before. 

“Girls win.  Ha! Ha! Ha!” Abbey shouted.  “Poor boys lost to us girls.”

“We let you win.”  Evan announces to the crowd as Abbey and I dash off to the restroom. 

I turned on the warm water to wash my hands as I hear my phone ring.  Probably my mom wanting to know what we are doing.  I let it go to voicemail as Abbey comes up beside me.

“You want to go in there?”  she asked with a big smile on her face.

I knew if she had been looking straight in the mirror she would have seen my eyes protrude out of my head.  Thankfully she did not see and I did not have to explain my worries and the sick feeling that swept through my body when she mentioned that.

         Abigail Stephens was always the one to take risks.  Since the moment I met her in middle school, she was never afraid of anything.  She always said to live dangerously, why be afraid to take risks.  Granted, I do believe in her philosophy, but we weren’t talking about just anything.  We were talking about going where the Untouchables were.  Even if it were in a public place, no one bothered them.  They were their own group and no one ever got to join or even get a glimpse into their life.  They stuck to themselves and no one ever questioned them. 

         A swoosh of anger filled Abbey’s face when we found our table abandoned and the boys now leaning casually over a group of junior prep wannabe girls a few tables down.  It was one thing for us to talk to other boys, well, more like daydream about other guys, but it was a totally different scenario when our boys decided to start playing the field.  The look on Abbey’s face told me that she wasn’t happy that those girls were moving in on her territory, especially her Evan – a long overdue crush that never transpired into anything more than a close friendship. 

“It will be alright, don’t worry.  There are more fish in the sea.”  I said as I wrapped my arm around her shoulder trying to console her. 

“You’re right!” She said as she pulled me into the arcade doorway, giggling.

I tried pulling back, but it was not worth it, as much as I didn’t want to go in, there was a bigger part of me that did.  I wanted to know what was going on.  I wanted to see him, even a glance. 

“Abbey, no!  Seriously! No.  I don’t want to go in there.  Stop!”  I tried to pull away from her, despite of my conflicting feelings, but with people entering it was hard to do.

The arcade room was dimly lit with only a few neon lights bouncing off the walls and mirrors around the room.  The loud crashing sounds coming from the pinball machine and the shooting games made it hard to concentrate. 

The low lighting made it hard to see, but as I shot her a dirty look, I stopped dead in my tracks.  There he was - the most perfect human being I had ever seen.  His blondish brown hair was long, longer than I had noticed before.  His eyes were the perfect shade of sapphire blue with specks of light bluish grey in them.  He was lean, but not like he was before.  You could tell he had been working out. 

I knew this because I would see him training in the football field when I stopped by the high school to get ready for the new school year.  I had been persuaded by the high school guidance counselor to tutor some of my peers that were falling behind in their math class.  I started this when I was in eighth grade and I never knew how many people didn’t understand math.  It was so easy for me, like writing your own name.  Not hard to do. 

I could feel my knees becoming weak again, blood rushing to my face as I stood staring at him and thinking about the many times I would sit behind the bleachers to watch him practice, shirtless none the less.  Just the thought made me blush again.  The air in the room must have been getting warmer because I could feel my body becoming hot and sticky.

I looked away, but not for too long.  I looked up and saw his eyes.  Oh my gosh, is he looking my way, or am I just seeing things.”  A smile came across my face and my thoughts begin to run wild.  He nodded and I couldn’t believe it.  They never spoke to outsiders.

“He nodded, he did, I saw it.” Abbey said with excitement in her voice.

I pushed her to the other side, out of view.  “I got to get out of here.  Abbey why did you do this?  You know nothing will come of this.  The boys are probably looking for us.”

“Phoebe, we came in here to play games.  Nothing more, nothing less.  Now let’s play a game.  I am sure the boys are not missing us one bit,” she said as she waves her arms in the air, a little annoyed with me. 

         The one game I am really good at was the one the Untouchables were playing, the Dance Off.  Abbey and I moved around the large arcade room trying to find another game to play. 

“Let’s play this.”

“A racing game, I hate these games.  I am not any good at them,” I said as she pushed me in a seat beside her. 

I was too focused on Kelan to notice that I was not even on the road, at least I was putting the metal to the pedal though.  Sometimes I could feel his touch.  I would imagine him putting his arms around me and kissing my forehead.  Sometimes it felt so real, not a dream, but real.  No one understood my feelings, no one ever would.

“You suck.  I hope you practice a lot more before you take your driver’s test.  If not you won’t pass.  You’ll be hitching rides from the rest of us.”  Abbey said while trying to hold back her laughter.  “Let’s go, come on over here.”

Heading in the direction of the Dance Off game and I glanced around to see where Kelan was, but to my dismay he was gone.

We put money in the machine and jumped on our spots.  I must say, I am excellent at this game.  I have spent so much time here that I can do it with my eyes closed.  It was the same songs over and over again, so it was easy with the same dance moves to win the game. 

“Bring it on!” I shouted over the music.  We looked at each other and begin to laugh. 

I started to dance and felt something bouncing around in my pocket, my cell phone, so much for bringing a purse or leaving it with the boys.  I held on to it tightly as I dance my heart away.

“Why do you want to put yourself through this?  You know you can’t win,” I said with a big smile on my face.

“Another round?  I will beat you this time,” she said while trying to breath.  Her panting reminded me of an overweight coon dog running through the woods trying to tree an animal.

I pulled out my cell phone and noticed I had a voicemail.  Holding up my finger, I checked the message my mother left about staying the night with Abbey.  I placed the phone on top of the game and let Abbey know that I could spend the night with her.

“Ready!” she shouts.  I nod my head as the music begins.

We kept dancing and dancing several rounds.  Of course I always won.  “Last time,” I shout to her.  We finished the game and high fived one another as we turned to see a crowd.  I guess the music and my concentration drowned out the crowd cheering us on.

         I looked around to see where he was, but I didn’t see him.  Where is Kelan, I thought.  All the other Untouchables were watching.  Did he not want to watch, was he disgusted or did he just leave. Thoughts ran through my mind when Abbey poked my arm and I shot her a look.  She nodded to me with her eyes bugging out and I knew she wanted me to look over my shoulder.  I turned my head slowly, scared, but excited at the same time.  There he was, leaning up against the deer hunting game, watching us.  How did I not notice him?  I can’t believe I didn’t feel his presence or even smell his cologne, a smell that I knew by heart.  My eyes stopped at his, we just stood there staring at one another.  I smiled hesitantly his way as Lucas Presley moved toward him.

         Lucas and Kelan were the main guys in the Untouchable group.  From what I was told, they have been inseparable since they were young.  I watched as Kelan turned to talk to Reagan, our connection was broken.  I could hear them talking, I knew I heard my name once or was that wishful thinking.

         Derek and Evan pulled us down off the dance floor and put their arms around us. 

“Who wants to challenge her?” Evan says as he pointed to me. 

I pulled his hand down as I told everyone “No, not me, not tonight. I’ve had enough for one night.”



 

II

ALL KNOWING



It was stupid of me to even get my hopes up in there, but once again I did and once again nothing.  I didn’t know why I was so shocked by it.  This happened time and time again.  I would do something utterly retarded like make my presence known to him and I was rejected.  There was no reason for the pain in my heart to flare up once more.  I had suppressed it the best I could over the years, but tonight the wounds were fresh – cut deep with a dagger – and I was profusely bleeding from the inside out.  This was really getting ridiculous.  I had to stop this non-sense.  And really that’s what it was, craziness – on my part at least. 

I stood at the concession stand, waiting on a refill of cherry coke to refuel my thirst.  There were not enough words in the English dictionary to call me stupid.  I gritted my teeth together, fuming mad at myself for even allowing Abbey to drag me in there, knowing what would happen.  I wanted to scream – let out all the frustrations of the night. 

“You left this in there,” a soft, sweet voice said to me.

I turned, startled to see Kelan holding my cell phone.  My phone, and he was talking to me.

I murmured the words “Oh thanks,” and reached out my hand.

The concession lady brought my drink back to the counter and was waiting on my money as I stood there in shock.  I did not even notice it when Kelan reached into his pocket and laid down fifty cents on the counter for my refill. 

“You okay,” he asked.

“I…I…I’m fine, sorry, just worn out from all the dancing.”  I said with a smile, embarrassed by my reaction to his presence.

“You were really good back there.  Where did you learn to do that?”

“Practice, I guess.  My friends and I are here a lot.  Nothing else to do and nowhere else to go in this town.”  I said while chuckling.  I knew he had plenty of things to do and many other places he could go.  How I wish I could do some of those things with him and go to some of those places.

“I guess,” he curled his eyebrows up in an amused look as he glanced around the room.

“I can take that,” pointing to my cell phone.  I reached into my pocket to get money to pay him back.  I kept feeling around, I knew I had quarters in there somewhere.  I just knew I did. Where are they, I said to myself, come on hurry up.  He does not want to stand here with you.  I finally found the money and pulled it out of my pocket along with the lint left in my jeans from where I never cleaned them out.  I brushed off the lint and held my hand out with the quarters for Kelan to take.

“Here, your money back.  I have the money to pay for my refill.  You didn’t have to do that.”

“It’s okay.  I wanted to.  You can pay me back some other time,” he said with a smile on his face.  I didn’t want to read anything more into it then what it really was, he being nice to poor little old me.

“Your phone has been ringing several times.  I answered it once.”

“What?”

“It was your mom, I think.  She wanted to know where you were.  I let her know you left your phone back here and you would call her back.”

I said thanks as I reached for my cell phone.  Just as my fingertips touched his palm, I could feel my heart starting to pound; my attention shifted to the phone blasting between us. “Hope it gives you hell, hope it gives you hell.  When you walk my way.”  We both looked down as my phone blared out one of my favorite songs at the moment.  I grabbed it as fast as I could from his hand.

“Hello.  Yes, I know.  Abbey and I will be picked up by her sister.  I will don’t worry.  Around 10 or so.  I will call you tomorrow. Love you.”

I looked up not knowing if he would still be there or have disappeared.  There he stood, still watching me.  I shook my head as I explained that it was my mother, just checking up on me.

“Nice ringtone.  I’ll have to get that from you sometime.”

“Umm…okay.”  I said almost embarrassed by it myself. 

“Thanks again for bringing my phone to me.  Heaven knows I can’t live without it.  I don’t think anyone can these days.”  Did I just say that, just stop talking before you make yourself look even sillier. 

I turned to walk away when he said my name, “Phoebe.”  I didn’t even think he knew my name, I mean I am a sophomore and he is a junior.  We didn’t have any classes together and he was never outside his group.  I turned back to him.  He held out my coke as he walked toward me.  I grabbed the drink cup from his hand and thanked him once again.

“You’re welcome, Phoebe,” he said as we smiled at each other.  I turned once again to go to my friends.  I could feel his hard stare, I glanced back and sure enough he was still standing there watching me.

The table seemed farther away then I had thought.  I kept walking wanting to hurry to get to my seat before my knees could give out from underneath me.  Finally, I made it up the steps and turned as I sat to see if he was still there.  He was gone like a flash, nowhere to be found.

I could hear Abbey’s giggle as she twisted my seat back around to face her.  I had nothing to say, I was still trying to make sure that it wasn’t all a dream. 

“Oh!” I yelled out.

“You’re not dreaming.  See I just pinched you.”

“What is up with you Phebs?  Is there something going on that we should know about?” Derek sighed before continuing, “between you and the Untouchables?  Are you trying to ditch us, your friends?”  His nose curled up when he said the word Untouchables.

“You are so funny, Derek.  Ha Ha.  She doesn’t owe you any type of explanation.  You still have not explained the girls you all were flirting with earlier.  Don’t you think you owe us an,” her words were cut off by the sound of Evan’s cell phone ringing.

He began smiling and I knew it was one of the girls who had just left.  He hung up with her and whispered in Derek’s ear.  They started to get up from the table when Abbey stops them.

“Where are you all heading off too?  Not staying here with us?”

“We have people waiting on us.  Sorry girls but we are heading out early, can’t keep those pretty girls waiting, now can we.  We will get a ride from them.”  Derek said in his cocky tone.

“Guys take it easy.  Be on your best behavior.  Hate for them to see the monsters on the first night.”  I reached out to smack Evan’s arm as he walked by.  He just grinned from ear to ear while Derek made a monster face at me.  We all started laughing. 

It was nine o’clock and we still had an hour to kill before Abbey’s sister was to pick us up.  I sure as heck didn’t want to go back in the game room.  My night had already been ruined when they walked in and then totally crushed when my heart started to rip apart – extremely slowly this time, but on the bright side I at least got more than just a quick nod from Kelan.  It wasn’t exactly the ideal conversation, but better than nothing, so I would take it. 

I got up from the table and headed toward the back door exit.  Abbey was sure to follow I knew it, so I didn’t even let her know where I was going.  I reached the back parking lot and started talking to Abbey.  I turned and to my surprise she was not there. 

         Hope no one heard me talking to myself.

To my horror I was not so lucky.  The voice was so familiar, it made me shiver every time I heard it.

“Talking to yourself now, are you?”

“I thought, umm,” the words stumbled from my mouth, “I thought Abbey was behind me.  Sorry to bother, I didn’t know anyone was out here.  I’ll go back in.” 

Reaching for the door handle, I felt a hand touch mine.  I looked up and saw Kelan next to me.  His hand touched mine and my pulse began to race. 

“Where are you heading off to?  Don’t like my company?”

“Umm, uh, I didn’t say that.  I just didn’t want to bother you.  I know you don’t like people bothering you all.”

“You think you know so much about me, about us, don’t you?”

My hand was still on the door handle and my back to him, I didn’t know what to say.  I was stunned that he was even this close to me.

“I didn’t say that.  I don’t even know you all.  I don’t know you.  I was just making a statement just from my observation.”  I rushed to get the words out.  I knew he could hear the panic in my voice.  I could hear it as the words squeaked out of my mouth.

“Really, and what else do you know about me?”

“Nothing, like I said I don’t know you.”

He moved his hand slowly up my arm and stopped on my neck.  I was afraid to turn around, afraid of what might happen, or what might not happen. 

“So, what do you know about me, Phebs?  What do you know?” he whispered in my ear. 

I could feel my legs tremble as he turned me around.  I am going to fall, I can’t fall, don’t fall, you will look stupid, don’t look stupid.  Stand up Phebs.  Pull it together.

I stood there not knowing what to do.  Should I stare at his chest, should I look up into his gorgeous eyes, or should I break from his embrace?  Run?  But what I really wanted to do was wrap my arms around him, just once, that was all I needed I told myself.  If I could just do that once, once was enough for me.  I was too chicken though and I knew that.  There was no way on earth I could have the nerve to do that.

“I don’t know anything about you, nothing at all.  Am I supposed to know something?”

His hand touched my neck.  My body shivered.  He lifted my chin up to look at him.  My eyes wondered around, not wanting to look at his face.  I knew he could see me blushing, feel my body shiver, my knees buckle. 

“What do you want to know about me?  Why am I so fascinating to you?”

I closed my eyes, how did he know this, how did he know anything about my interest in him.  Was he just testing me?  Trying to see what I would say, provide evidence that I was interested in him. 

“I am not sure what you are talking about.  I..”  my thoughts begin to ramble so I just stopped before I said something I would regret.

“I… what?  What do you want to say?”

“Like I said I don’t know anything about you or them.  You all don’t talk much,” I chuckled, “well at least not to anyone but yourselves.  I have known you for a while now, a couple of years, and I know nothing more about you then when I came to this god forsaken town.  It is my turn to ask the questions, what do you want from me?  Why do you keep doing this?”  I knew he would not answer anything, he didn’t really know what I was blabbing about anyway.

His hand began to tremble.  I brought my hand up to his to try and stop the vibration.  It was cold, shaking.  He didn’t move his, which was a good sign.  That meant I was not repulsive to him.  Was that a spark I felt?  Maybe a twinge of something in the air between the two of us.  No, that was more silly talk, there was nothing between us.

“Want.  That I can never tell, my little secret.  Doing, what do you mean by that?”

“What are you talking about, little secret.  Never mind.”  I shook my head.  His hand stayed securely against my cheek. 

“You can’t know everything.  You just can’t.  It’s too soon.  I can’t risk anything happening to you.  Don’t you understand that?”

“You’re not making any sense.  What do you mean it’s too soon?  What am I supposed to know that I don’t already?”  I stopped questioning him, waiting on a reply that seemed to take a bit too long so I continued, “Well?  What don’t I know?  If you’re talking about me getting hurt, well fat chance, I am pretty sure I can take care of myself.  I don’t need you to protect me.”

“There is so much you don’t know.  So many things I know, but I can’t tell you right now.  It’s not the right time.  You’re not ready.”  His eyes were closed when he spoke.  He couldn’t even look at me when he spoke to me.  There must have been something wrong with me. 

“What does that suppose to mean?”

“Soon.  You will know soon enough.  Don’t rush these things.  When the time is right I will tell you.  Promise me something will you?”  He was staring into my eyes.  His face was full of concern and love.

“Promise you something?  Well, this ought to be good.” 

“Promise me that when the time is right that you will listen to me.  That you will trust me.  Have faith Phoebe, things will go as you have always hoped.  Let nature take its course.  Promise.”

“I don’t get this.  I don’t get any of this.  Why don’t you just tell me now, why all the secrecy?”  All I wanted was the truth, the reason why he was playing with my heart.  The stinging of the tears in my eyes was getting hard to push back. 

My hand dropped from his and I turned around.  I could still feel his breath on my neck.  He was standing so close to me that the light breeze could not pass between our bodies.  Oh how I longed for him to be this close, to feel him. 

         “I don’t’ mean to upset you, Phoebe.  I just don’t want to hurt you.  You..” his words were cut off short by the sound of Reagan’s voice.

“Kelan come on.  It’s time to blow this joint.  It’s not worth our time anymore.”

“Soon.  Okay, Phoebe.  Just promise me.”

I turned to see him walking away.  My mind couldn’t even grasp the entire conversation.  Where did this all come from?  I didn’t see this coming at all. 

Reagan glanced my way as Kelan and Lucas jumped into the back of the Jeep.  She jumped into the driver’s seat and flew past me.  I stared down the road as the tail lights disappeared into the night. 



I could not even brush my teeth before Abbey was storming through bathroom bombarding me with a million questions.  In between spitting, I answered what I could.

“I was talking to you when I walked outside, but to my surprise, you were nowhere to be found, I looked like a freak talking to myself.”

“If you were by yourself why didn’t you come back in?”

“Well, I started to, but I was stopped,” before she could get out her question, I answered it, “It was Kelan.  He asked me questions about what I knew about him and the Untouchables, well he didn’t say that but you know what I mean.”

“What did you say?”

“I told him I didn’t know anything about him or the others,” I said sarcastically, “I don’t know exactly what he wanted. He just kept saying that he knew a lot of things, but never said about what.  I mean it was strange Abbey.  It made me uneasy.”  I didn’t want to tell her about the promise he wanted me to make.  I really didn’t know what that was all about and anyway I never said I promised. 

“So, what else happened?  Did you kiss? What you can’t leave it like this?”

“No we didn’t kiss.  We just talked, not really talk.  I don’t know what you would call it.  We were close though, extremely close.”  I couldn’t tell her anymore about it.  She was already so heartbroken over Evan, I couldn’t possibly add to her misery tonight.

“We need to get some sleep.  We can talk more later.” 

Turning off the light, I laid my head down and stared out the window.  The stars were bright that night; they were like diamonds sparking when sun bounces off them.

Needless to say my dream that night was one that I did not want to wake from the next morning or the next few mornings.