One and Only

Hi.
I don't know how
To start these things.
Partly because this
Is my first time.

I'm new to this,
You know?
A virgin,
You might say.
To talks like this.
Heart to heart,
Raw.

First, I'd like
To point out just how
Kind.
Sweet.
Adorable.
Wonderful.
You are to me.
I think you are
Incredible
and I want you to know that
More than anything else.

I don't like
To say this.
I don't think that I've ever
Said this.
But here it goes.
I love you.
Not that hard typing the words
But saying them
Will be the hardest thing
I've ever done.
But a fact is a fact.
And you know how I am about
Telling you the truth.

So,
Now that's over with.
Sappy time's over, sweetie.
I do love you,
But I also hate you.
Surprise, surprise.

Bet you couldn't tell.
I'm good at it,
Hiding my emotions
Cleverly behind a well
Thought out joke
Or behind my simple
Silence.
But I do.

This past year has been
The best of my life.
The worst of my life.
You've made me so
Happy and exuberant.
You've made me so
Angry and sad.
You pretty much control
My feelings.
I think you own stock,
Actually.

That's how powerful you are
To me.
That's how much I need you
To lie to me.
I know, I know.
You should always just
Tell the truth.
Makes it easier in the end.
But the truth of the matter is
That that only happens
When the truth comes first.

I wasn't really thinking
During that call of ours.
Call me love-drunk.
I probably was.
So when I said that thing
And you said that other
Thing
I wasn't thinking.
Then again,
Do I ever actually think?

Okay, okay,
I get it.
You were scared
To tell me at first
But you did
And now you think
Because I am so completely
Ready for it
You drop the bomb.
"You won't tell anyone,
Right?"
"...I think that's a given."

...I think those are words
I'd give to take back.
I'm a terrible secret keeper.
I'm a gossiper at heart.
It's a girl thing
Or maybe it's just me.
I can't ever tell the difference
These days.
I... I...
Dammit, why'd you tell me
To keep it a secret?

I wish
You'd never said such a thing.
I wish
You could take what you said back.
I wish
You could make me forget.
I wish
You could go Haitian on me.
Silly me.
You were never a hero.
Were you?

And please, please
I'm begging you.
Don't talk to me about that person.
I'm glad you like them
I'm glad you think that I'm strong enough
To handle this.
But I can't
I can't can't can't
Can't can't can't can't.

Is this really what love
Feels like?
If it is,
Then love is a terrible, terrible
Curse that I don't wish
Upon anyone.
The twisty heart thing
Just doesn't feel that good.

Now would probably be the time
Where I turn into Scarlet Black
Superhero who always has
A funny witticism.
But the truth is
And it's really, really funny,
I'm not Scarlet Black.
I'm Haley.
This is me,
Raw and exposed.
Myself.

I should probably stay away
From you for a while.
I think I'm addicted to your presence, be it
Internet
Life
Phone
Old Yearbook.
It's gonna be hard to get you
Out of my system.
But I think I can.
Choo, choo.

And once you're gone,
I think,
Maybe, maybe, maybe
When you say hi
I won't get flutters
When you talk about that person
I won't get jealous
And when you ask what I think of you
I can say with truth and shamelessness
"You're one of the best friends
I have ever had
And once upon a time,
I used to think of you as my
One and only."