A Moment in Time

A Horrifying Moment in Time

The hospital called about a hour after she had left for the park. A nurse asked if I was the parent of Katelyn. When I replied I was, I was told to come quickly, the doctor wanted to see me. I asked what happened and a nurse told me that everything would be 'okay' - just come and the doctor would speak with me. She would not answer my questions, would not tell me what had happened, what was wrong with my child...

I kept hoping my child had fallen off a swing; Katelyn was a klutz like that. Maybe she broke her arm, maybe she was hit by a car. I could handle anything but what I knew it was...I felt my heart lurch.




Time froze as I stared down at her in that hospital bed.....

Eyes glazed over, unfocused, tossing head from side to side, unresponsive to name or sound.
When her eyes would focus, she would stare out into the distance. Was she seeing the angels calling her?

Don't go! Not yet! I can't live without you! I love you! Look at me!...but she didn't look at me. She did not look at anything.

Hands reaching out, grasping at air, pupils dilate and dance, in a trace...she won't look at me!
Monitors beep, heart rate accelerates. Will she wait? Will she wait until she is old and gray to go away?
Doctors are unsure, unsure, unsure. No answers do they have for me. No comfort can they offer my heart that literally feels like it is breaking into pieces as I clutch it to keep it intact. I must escape the horror I see. I run out of the room...but she might need me, she might not make it and I will not have been there to say goodbye as she floats away. My God, don't take her away!




Bedside vigil....

Turn the lights low so I do not see the ghost. Turn them down low so I can not see her gaping mouth, her blood stained teeth, her eyes that see no one real;  just those demons in the corner over there... She startles, she jerks, she twitches as the drugs course through her tiny frame. Why wont she respond to her name? Gasping for air, even though she is being fed pure oxygen from a tube. IVs feed her, yet what it feeds her can not stop what she has already fed herself.

She gasps and grunts, head still weaving back and forth. She reaches out again and makes contact with my face. She pulls and pinches my cheek, as if she were blind and trying to familiarize with her surrounding. I call her name, over and over, silently begging those dancing pupils to focus, focus on me. She suddenly gasps for air and tries to tear free from some unseen tormentor. Waving her arms and clawing at the air, I stay, grasping those clawing hands, trying to still  frantic motions and silently watching the monitors beep their alerts.






Note: I do not want reviews based on pity. The truth is many have dealt with suicide and suicide attempts.  The problem is that many do not speak of their experiences. Suicide is a taboo subject. If someone does speak of it, they are assumed to be wanting attention or pity, or perhaps they are even a bit insane or at the very least their family member or friend who attempted this act is. Shamed into silence, many can not find their voice. My intention is to address the ugly truth, so that we can become educated on how prevalent it really is in society. Bringing the subject out in the open so that victims can find support and understanding is a goal of mine. It is far past the time to hide our ugly realities in the attic, or in the closet.

The truth is, my life has been touched and scarred by personal experiences with suicide. In 2000, my father committed suicide. The wounds of my personal experiences are now healing. My healing is aided by speaking out and by finding support, not pity. The above story is of my daughter's suicide attempt, written for a contest about a 'Moment in Time'. She was 15 years old at the time. She had swallowed a toxic mix of methadone, xanax, and sleeping pills. For three days, we did not know if she would live or die. She was on 24 hour watch for the first two days. She is a survivor. Many are not.....

Now what do we do to prevent this, or at least get through it if we fail to prevent it in time?