Internal Jail

Trapped.
In the center of my own breath
the fire of my own mind
and the swelling in my throat
from words unspoken
and dreams unrealized.

I blame him.
There is just no time
No time between the business
and fixing dinner
the kids and the meetings
there's never enough time
to wear all the hats that fit my feminine head
And not a single one is pretty
or pink
because that would surely
make me weak

I'm a Mother,
a wife
and executive and a teacher
a sponsor,
a woman
a lover and a granddaughter
a sponsee,
a step mother
the second wife and a leader


The roles I pay are deep and meaningful
And each of them I treasure.
But there is a part of my soul
Thats withering
Thats somehow tethered
I long to learn
to read
to research and stretch
to have that space in time my children now have
to just focus on me
and who I want to be.
I long to sculpt, to write,
to sing
and be a poet
but success has been as much of a curse
A door I cant open
The same as when poverty closed it
It keeps me trapped inside my desires
because there's just no time to become
to explore
to look inside
its selfish and silly
Why now?

Driven by perfection
I deny myself the glory
of crossing that stage with cap and gown
or changing my story
I have everything a woman could want
a husband, a house,
a career
and a beautifully gown family
everything a woman could have
except me.

I blame him
I like to say he doesnt support me
We argue about the worth of the time
or money it would take
to put me in the tiny boxes this country creates
with education, and looks, and lables and things
there’s nothing to learn there,
certainly not going to find “me”

Is that true?
I’m confused.
Could I ever just be free?
Free to be me?
Could I get fat
or go back to school just for the sake of being there
Could I stop earning and start paying for learning
or do I count my blessings
and keep my mouth shut
keep a lid on the dreams?

I used to blame him.
The him of the past
and the him before him
and the them before that
I've always had someone that I could place the blame on.
Ones that didnt help
and kept me doing the work all alone
Ones that support me well
but only while clibing up the ladder.

When will this prison be revealed
for what it is?
A self made container
where dreams go to die

When will I see
that I am the one denying me?
That I can have anything I want
when I stop asking for approval
I will find it
along with the key

I blame him
Its just easier that way
than to think that I am the one who left me
locked inside, dreams put away

May I wake
and set myself free
Free to become
what ever I may be
what ever brings me joy,
whether it has value or worth
to him, or him,
it's valuable to me.