Noise complaints

Noise Complaints

         The rabbit ears on the TV are wonky, the channels are coming in fuzzy. No matter which way I shift them nothing's coming in clear, except for the local news channel, which bores me. So, I take off my jacket and put pants on, find my keys, lose my keys looking for my visor, find my keys again and forget to lock the apartment door on my way out.
         I walk to the pet store to find a new pair of rabbit ears, come across a perfect bunny named Bert. I pay for Bert, put Bert in my fanny pack, and walk home. I put my key into the door lock, lock the door, try opening the door, it doesn't open, unlock the door and enter my apartment. I pull Bert out my fanny pack, Bert is soft and white, I take Berts ears off, then the old rabbit ears off the TV, put Berts ears on the TV. Berts ears work great! All the channels come in crystal clear, but now I feel like watching the local news channel. So I do, I watch the local news channel for four hours until the clock says “It is nine thirty pm.”
                   I turn off the TV, it's time for bed. I brush my teeth and while doing so, someone knocks on my apartment door. As I approach the door, I hear that it's The Police. I open the door and a loud stereo is playing 'So Lonely'. The stereo is the police officers head. He hands me a note saying that he had gotten a call for a noise complaint about loud music coming from my apartment. I turn the volume dial on his head all the way down, he nods and walks away. I close the door, lock the door and walk to the bathroom, where I notice that my beard is now garter snakes. I know from my childhood that these snakes are harmless, so I leave them alone. Walk to my bedroom and lay down. I watch the TV in my ceiling for twenty minutes and stroke my snake beard. The snakes are getting along well. I think to myself  'I finally made some new friends, and I'm very happy about my snake beard.'
          Then I hear a knock at my door. I can faintly hear that it's The Police again.
         I think it's the same officer. I walk to the door and open it, 'Roxanne' is playing. I instantly turn down the police mans head before he can hand me the piece of paper in his hand. He nods and walks away.
         I close my door and get an idea. I want to figure out which channels on the TV my snake beard will enjoy. So, I sit down, turn on the TV, flick through three thousand channels.  we all decide that the local news channel is by far the most fun to watch, I think to myself  'me and my new friends kick harsh ass!'. The snakes use telepathy to transfer their thoughts to me. The longest snake tells me 'he wishes he was a robot from Hell', I tell him 'I do to'. The shortest snake says to me 'he thinks that being a robot from Hell is stupid and he wishes that he could perform in Cats on Broadway'. Me and the longest snake snicker at this, because everyone knows 'The Sound of Music' kicks 'Cats' ass. The shortest snake didn't talk again until we got into bed and all said "Goodnight" to each other.
         I am half way through a dream, where Julie Andrews is executing the cast of Cats with a Luger PO8, when I hear a knock at the door. This time I can't tell if it's The Police or not. I open the door, and it's the same police officer. His stereo head is already turned down. I ask him "What is the matter?" and he just runs away. So I close the door.
         I go back to bed. As I'm laying down, the longest snake telepathes me that he is "hungry as shit". Even though I'm very tired, I really like the longest snake in my beard. He's a cool snake. So, I get up, put on my jacket, take off my pants, find my visor, lose my pants, grab my keys, and leave with no pants on.
         As I open the apartment door and step into the hallway, I see the police man with the stereo head, sitting in a corner at the end of the hallway. I step onto the escalator and it brings me to the officer. His volume is very low, I can't make out the song playing. He holds out a note saying his wife left him earlier today, and that he was the one who made all the loud noise, there was no actual complaint called in. I tell him that's ok, and ask if maybe he wants to hang out with me and my snake beard. He says he does.
         He writes on a piece of paper that we can use his squad car to get around town. I agree to this. I get into his car and tell him that the longest snake in my snake beard is very hungry, and we definitely need to get him steak and eggs. The officer suggests Denny's.  The closest one is only eight meters from the door of my apartment building. So, I say "Why don't we just walk?" but he insists we drive, and says he will turn on the siren and lights, which I like.
         We arrive at Denny's. I have a coffee, the cop has a beer, and the longest snake eats steak n eggs. We drive back to my apartment building. I invite the officer in, he shakes his stereo head declining but thanks me for the offer. I insist, but he still declines. I tell him I have a frozen pizza and a bottle of Jim Beam. He nods ok.
         The pizza is gonna take forty five minutes because it is deep dish. So, we start on the bottle of whiskey. The officer pushes the play button on his head and turns up the volume dial. I tell him I'm not fond of  The Police, and have an old tape of Eighties Hits I can go find, he nods ok. I find the tape, put it in his head and press play. 'Footloose' by 'Kenny Loggins' starts playing. The snakes go crazy, the officer does the chicken dance, we drink whiskey, eat pizza, have thumb wars, and dance until I hear a loud knock at the door. I open the door and a police officer with a stereo for a head stands there with 'Owner of a Lonely Heart' by 'Yes' playing softly. He holds a note in his hand and starts to raise his arm to hand it to me. I shake my arm's at this, declining the piece of paper, and tell him to come right in. I pour him a whiskey drink, refill mine and the other police officers whiskey. I stroke my snake beard paying extra special attention to be tender with the longest snake, as I watch the two officers play a rollicking game of thumb war, it makes me feel good.
         Later on, I suggest that the officers crash here, because they have consumed a fair amount of whiskey, they agree. So, after tucking in both of the officers on the pull out couch, brushing my teeth, combing my snake beard and having a poop, I lay down in bed, turn on the TV in my ceiling and masturbate to an old re-run of 'M.a.s.h' ( I asked the snakes to look away, or focus on 'M.a.s.h'). I wipe my hand on a dirty sock, turn off the TV, and close my eyes.
          Before entering my dream I think about why The Police always harass people for silly reasons, and conclude that it's probably just because nobody wants to be their friends, but I am happy with the friends I made today. The snakes and the two police officers. I fall asleep.
         I dream about my new friends and I watching the local news channel together on the back of a pterodactyl, flying over top of the battle of Stalingrad. Except in place of the Nazi's, are the cast of the Broadway musical Cats and the soviets were Julie Andrews clones.
         Fuckin' shortest snake doesn't know shit,
I don't think the other snakes would mind if I shave him off tomorrow morning.