Johnny

Johnny,



              As soon as I hung up the phone today, I felt terrible and realized that I had gone about what I needed to do in a very inappropriate manner. So, this is my apology to you; accepting my apology is, of course, your decision. If I may, I would like to share with you a few key notes that triggered my bad behavior.



              First off, you should know that I simply adored you and had nothing but love for you for 27 years. I was always so proud to tell people about you and show them pictures; I have gone on and on about your involvement with arm wrestling and how much fun we all had. You were always the clown; daring to do what others didn't have the guts to do. The smile that beamed from your face during your silly antics still beams in my mind.



              Although you and Mom never saw eye to eye (on anything), I kept both of you separate and did not choose one over the other, for I loved both of you. I am certainly not going to say that I never heard bad things about you from her, as well as bad things about her from you, but I never let the rivalry between you two have any affect on my relationship with either of you.



              Now, with that being said, I shall move on to the highly painful and disturbingly emotional aspects of what is eating away at me.



              It has been eleven years since Granny retired her life, but it still seems to me as if it were just last week. My grieving process has not let up one bit. I think about her everyday and I miss her even more. As if that weren't enough, I can't think about her without becoming totally absorbed in what had to be going on in her head. And heart. All of the pain she must have been suffering through with her many ailments; i.e. not being able to breathe, hardly being able to walk, and all the other "you name its" would have been too much for any normal person to have a desire to stay around and struggle through. What troubles me the most is the whole psychological part of her misery. I have imagined sticking a gun to my head a billion times, and still for the life of me, I don't have a clue how she had the guts to pull the trigger. I can't even do it with an "air" gun.



              I am not the only one that lost a very dear loved one, and I am very well aware of that. My heart and my soul bleed with anyone who misses her like I do. I am having a very difficult time dealing with it, even eleven years later, and have been seeking help through books, the internet, my friends, and most of all, my mom. I have to find a way to deal with her suicide or else I fear I will completely go over the edge.



              If, at this point, you are thinking that I am blaming you for Granny's blatant disregard of the feelings of those who loved her, you are wrong. I only blame her for leaving me here like this. I am so angry with her, and she knows that. I only hope that the time will come when I will get to... do whatever it is we get to do on the other side, if there is another side. I worry that I will never see her again... EVER.



              You may be wondering, "If she doesn't blame me for the old lady taking her life, then what is her damn problem?" Johnny, I witnessed, as a very young girl, you having so much fun tormenting her. Not just with words, although your words to her were very defaming, spiteful, disrespectful, belittling, and all the other adjectives of negative connotation that one can think of. How could you feel good about yourself making her cry in front of her grandkids? I can still hear her begging you, "Please stop, Johnny. Not in front of the kids." Did you stop? No. You kept on taunting, never letting up for one second to see what a real loser you were. One thing that I can assure her of is that none of your bullshit ever made me look at her as less than what she was to me. She may not have been the most loving person in the world, hell, we all know that she hated most everybody and everything. But she loved me and she loved Teddy and it had to be so mortifying for her to be so humiliated by you.



              If this is how I feel about the things you said to her, how do you think I must feel about the way you would hit her on her butt with a ping-pong paddle???? And, Johnny, you didn't just pat her, you hit her HARD!! If you ever thought it made you look like a big man, I beg of you to think again. I don't even have the heart to describe the portrayal you created in my mind, but I will say that it was very far from any characteristics of manliness. Johnny, how could you have done that to her? The more she cried, the more you mocked her and the harder you would hit her! And all the while, she never stopped begging you to stop doing it in front of Teddy and me. I don't remember if Wesley ever experienced any of your wrath. God, I hope not. Did you ever stop to think that you were teaching us how to treat you when you reached her age?? You should take a moment to thank the "powers that be" that Teddy and I weren't, and aren't, possessed with such horrid traits as you.



              I don't have any clue as to why you found it necessary to not only ridicule her, but to physically harm her. Maybe she had been a horrible mother to you and you just acted out on the need for revenge. Maybe not. Either way, Johnny, you were wrong for treating her in such a manner. In expectation of you not being able to recognize your wrongdoings to her, I welcome you to consider your wrongdoings to Teddy and me, as well as Wesley, if applicable. I also urge you to delve deep inside yourself and find the monster, or the "thing that should not be", and slay him. Maybe then you will discover the importance of family and begin to cherish those who should mean the world to you. I truly hope you reach such a revelation before you leave Teddy and Wesley here to perpetually wonder what life might have been like had there been a pure, unconditional love amongst us all. Who knows, Johnny, it may even feel good.



              I do believe that you owe Teddy and me an apology, although I doubt we will ever receive one. I, being the type that tries to admit my wrongs, as well as learn from them, apologize for the manner in which I presented my case to you over the telephone; it was very immature and I am very well embarrassed. I had looked forward to a euphoric feeling of relief; instead I only instigated more heartache for myself. I will, however, recover from my episode in no time at all. I will never recover from knowing how deeply troubled my granny was during the last breaths that she chose to take.


Respectfully,

Kristi D'Ann


P.S.

You should be allowed the opportunity to speak what is on your mind, just as I have done, if you so desire. You may reach me via cell phone at 555-123-4567. The best times would be after 6 pm Mon-Fri, or anytime on Saturday or Sunday.


Note to reader: I wrote this letter and mailed it during the summer of 2007. I never received any type of response and have yet to speak to my uncle. It is quite a shame that I am not even sure if he is still living. As for my cousins, Teddy and Wesley, their whereabouts are unknown to me. I do know at the time I wrote this letter, Johnny had dismissed Teddy, his first born, as his son. Another shame.